Serafina, I so appreciate your kindness. things are more complicated than what I said last night. when I was first sent to a psychiatrist and diagnosed with Major Depressive disorder, my psychologist was on vacation. When she came back, she suggested I go to the other pdoc i talked about, the one who was emotionally abusive, because she is an expert in DID. I took her advice and switched pdocs, not because there was something wrong with the 1st one, but because the other could provide with a specialist's care. When I left her, I ended up referred to a clinic where I was to see a therapist in concert with a psychiatrist. The weird thing was, the therapist wouldn't see me alone but attended my visi*** to the pdoc. I wasn't comfortable with having her sit staring at me while I was trying to connect with this new doctor and going through all that initial asssessment that is so tough. It came out that while I was told my care would be what I wanted it to be, it wasn't. They were committed to a cognitive model and I have a very different need because of my DID and amnesia. I asked why the therapist wouldn't do therapy with me but insisted on being present when I saw the pdoc. I was clear and calm but firm that this wasn't okay with me, but the pdoc finally said, "It looks like this might not be the best fit for you." I tried again to get answers to what was so confusing. I told them that a close friend of mine was also a patient with this pdoc, but did not have a therpist even assigned, much less attending office visits. Finally, I realized he was right, it wasn't going to be okay and I stood up, calmly, said, "well, I guess that's it and I'll be leaving now. I felt dumped and deceived. The pdoc had asked me a lot of questions about my reasons for leaving the initial pdoc. It struck me later that it was information he couldn't even have unless he had contact with my former pdoc. I found out from someone who spoke with this supposed "therapist" who told me, because she was angry with the situation, that the reason the therapist was sitting in on my visitis was because I had been labelled as "difficult" and possibly "dangerous" in some way because I had made a complaint against my pdoc of 7 years. My family doctor, in his referral, had worded this fact in such a way that it sounded like i had indeed madfe a complaint. I had not made a complaint, I had only made an enquiry about the process. So I have to be careful. We are very, very short of psychiatrists here and obviously info is passed even when it breaks confidentiality. My doctor who made the referral didn't even know there had been another pdoc in the picture. I only saw him about 4 times. So, if I leave my therapist now, it will be seen as a "trend" of running away and you and I both know that I'm very likely to be labelled as "borderline" which is a horrible way to refer to a person and has such an unjust stigma attached to it. I've already been diagnosed with borderline traits (I find most people have such traits, including those who diagnose them!) so I am at risk of becoming so stigmatized, and unfairly, that I don't feel safe doing anything but kow-towing if I want to get appropriate medical care. We work so hard to diminish stigma within society, but in my case, and I know this isn't rare, it's our caregivers who can stigmatize us to the greatest degree. My mom asked me one day why I want to surround myself with people who have a mental illness. I told us that we were more likely to be emotionally healthy because of our therapy than other people, certainly more accepting, empathetic and safe, more time than not. Sometime i may need to lodge that complaint against my pdoc of 7 years because I suspect she is protecting herself by sullying my reputation. I'm not completely innocent of being difficult when I've been in such pain and having a hard time getting her to listen, but I'm am dangerous to her if I do complain and she knows it. I have the intelligence and the evidence to make a good case against her and she's been called up before the College at least once while I was in her care. Maybe I shouldn't spew all this here, but I'm not concerned about anonymity. I won't say anymore, though, and I could. I have a very, very close family member under her care and they get along just fine, for now. I won't jeopardize that. So, Serafina, I think many of us have these kinds of complications in our lives that can have some serious consequences. I sound a little paranoid, but when I see these frightened doctors not acknowledging the length of most of my relationships, in and out of care, they would see that conflict is not the biggest part of the picture and if it exists, I'm not creating it all on my own. I find it "Orwellian" and disturbing. There's still a lot more I've not revealed. You are probably right about my psychologist, my best friend heartily agrees, but she's very protective of me. I feel that the two of us can learn a lot from each other still. She has given so much to me over the years, I love and respect her and want to kick her butt sometimes, just as she wants to kick mine. My DID is too complicated to start over with a new therapist. I've talked to my family doc about it and he agrees. I'd never be able to bring someone up to speed and all that history is so important. DID is both complicated and very individual. The amnesia complicates everything so much. It is not unusual to recall memories of the past and then re-dissociate them. I depend on my psychologist to remember those things for me until I can recall and keep them. I don't feel that moving on is an option. We either slaug? slog? (I don't know how to spell that word!) through this, or I quit therapy altogether and concede that I will never heal. Some of us don't. I know that I am closer to that end of the spectrum. My psychologist would never accept that and that is why she pushes me so hard, even when she really knows she should back off. She is human and she comes up against her shadow in treating me - a lot. I feel sorry for her, too.
I talk way too much, but it helps so much. There's one last thing I tell people who feel like my story is so overwhelming that they they feel it is worse than thier own. Please, please do not compare my pain to your own. Ever. Everyone experiences their lives the only way they can, through their own personality, strngths weaknesses, whatever. MY life is mine alone. To compare takes away your right to feel what you feel without interference. Your pain is just as valid as mine, you hurt and you deal with that hurt in the ways you are able. This is one of my favourite sayings: Don't let anyone else write on your blackboard. No matter what judgments are following me right now, I know my truth. I refuse to accept labels or be put in some kind of box. Be strong in what you hear inside yourself. Listen to others, but don't forget to listen to yourself. Do your best to be honest, and own your stuff. It might suck sometimes, but it also gives you tremendous dignity and self-pride. As humans, we dothe best we can with what we know today, when we know better, we do better. That's what Maya Angelou believes and it helps me accept people where they are and not where I want or need them to be. That's how I'll get through this mess.
Thanks and Blessings on your day,