Darntired3....I get you honey...I get you! My site name is LOVING FRUSTRATED WIFE! LOL!!! Okay...first things first...you could not have found a better home to communicate. I wrote an almost identical posting about 6+ months ago and it has helped my life in leaps and bounds in so many ways. My profile is the following: My 14 year old son was dx at 8 1/2 years old with clinical depression/BP/ADHD...through the process of regulating his meds, my husband owned up to his similarity with our son and was dx BP as well. No surprise to me of course. We have been married 16 years now. I too, like you, always work to stay calm, always work to hold everything together, and when I came here was at a breaking point too. My H also felt that by taking his meds...he was "doing his part" - he was "stable". In many ways he still does. We are not allowed to straight up talk about it. It can be hinted at; it can be referenced in our son. Just not directly at a behavior or example of reactions or behavior in him. Both my H and S are BPII, rapid recyclers. Both deal with depression. My S has the added ADHD...and "OH I AM SO SUPRISED" just found out that the pdoc wants my H to be tested as it may explain a few more things, or rule them out type of thing. I won't be surprised AT ALL to find out that is an issue too (a mild version...but definitely there). I do want to share that while I live with ALL the challenges of BP & ADHD, I do so at a milder level in many ways by comparison to many. We have never had hospitalization, cheating, spending uncontrollably at HIGH levels, threats of violence, etc. But life as you know is not easier as a result, BP is BP after all and if you live with someone who has it...it is hard. I too feel much of the time I am accused of not saying things correctly for them...the right tone in my voice, accused of not saying what I "REALLY" mean, being relentless in my pursuit to discuss things (I will make 3 attempts over a reasonable period of time spanning days or weeks and then stop and let it go...this for them is TOO MUCH). So, as a person who is quite honest in the way I say things...I definitely am known to say what I mean, and mean what I say, with the rest of the world. (Just ask anyone on this site - LOL), but my H & S don't always think so. Gee...I wonder what the common denominator could be???? Could it be they have zero frustration tolerance? Could it be that they don't like being uncomfortable or confronted so you have to pick your moments and words SO carefully? LOL....Or all the above and MORE! Yet, when they "need", they turn to me as the stable balancing rod that keeps them feeling safe, loved and sane. I don't want to give the wrong impression to you, while I have all the challenges to live with on the BP front, I do VERY much love my H - he is a GOOD man, although NOT an easy one. I have times that I can not feel my love for him; times I can't stand being around him...I JUST WANT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!! But, I am a mature woman and realize that my marriage is a commitment I made, and I realize that during a marriage (even one without BP involved), that the "feeling" of being "in love" will come and go throughout our lifetime together, but what holds us together is a deeper abiding love for the person and the "commitment" we made. That is an action, love is a feeling, and feelings come and go. But, what I feel ANY married person has to realize is that as easily as those feelings can go...they come back too! It is the ebb and tide of life IMO. And falling in love over and over again allows us to deepen and richen the abiding love as we grow old together.
Through this site I learned by being able to ask question of other w/ BP how best to say things, what was I doing that was triggering, how to see what was happening and not get caught up in it. It has improved our marriage tremendously, and it has improved my tolerance in dealing with it in return. But what I want you to know, it that the initial changes started with me. Being here I have learned SO much that it has allowed me to handle things better, be more understanding or confront when needed, etc. I have learned how to stand up for myself more, and expect better responsibility for his/their own behaviors. I am here to love and support, not be dumped on or shut down. Is it perfect? NO….but better….ABSOLUTELY.
BTW, something I didn’t mention is that I also have 6 ½ year old b/g twins too! All adding to the dynamics and chaos called our lives, and I have a business I am working very hard to get off the ground and see be very successful. So welcome….I am so glad you found us. I just know you will find the support for yourself you need here. I did. HUGS to you…LFW
Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 12/4/2007 10:46:55 AM (GMT-7)
Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 12/4/2007 1:59:26 PM (GMT-7)