need some help...not sure how much or what kind....

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dredfy
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/6/2007 8:50 AM (GMT -7)   
i was searching for some kinda relationship counseling online and came across some depression stuff which while i was reading i thought im kinda depressed but i dont know if its a problem or not....it led me here where i saw other boards and my friend is diagnosed with bp but i didnt know exactly what it is..still dont really...maybe i shouldnt be posting here if i dont know anything?i dont know...i saw a post on the gf wants space thing...which kinda reminded me of my situation...but i dont know how many posts is too much and i dont wanna take over his topic board so im starting this one..................................................i checked my email for the first time in years and i found some of my old friends...only a few still existed and one girl was so cool years ago...we started talking and i started goin to church again with her...we ended up going out...shes very distant tho...i try to talk about things and she says"thats interesting" or "cool" or "K"...weve talked a few times tho...for the most part she says then that its just hard for her to trust ppl and shes never had a  bf b4 so isnt really sure whats expected but its wierd because i went to college with her and she wont do any public affection with me in front of her guy friends at school but she jokes with them about dirty jokes all day and insinuations and they hug grab eachother like superflirting and she openly talks about our relationship problems in front of them but wont talk about thier problems with me and i feel like she is pushing me away in public and shes distant when were alone...she says its because they are all just joking around and shes serious with me,that she cares and that she wants it to be 'real' with me and i say 'well we can be serious about that but u can joke with me too'so she starts jokin about how her and another guy were playin with his monkey(stuffed animal) or how he drilled her hole(for a project)or how she cant wait to beat me into unconsiousness with a bat and make out with him over my body(joking)but am i overreacting when that crushes me?should i lighten up?...its so hard cus i would like to know how she feels about me everyonce in a while but she says now shes not sure if she ever really loved me cus she has no other relationships to compare it with and she has a feeling for me shes never had for anyone and it hurts to think of not being with me but how does she know thats love?and she knows she feels different about me cus she would never let anyone do the things she let me...but i try to talk to her about how we feel and she says im too "clingy" but when i back off i can feel her drawing in on herself again and i dont like it when shes like that....she says she doesnt think im over my ex....but she says one day she wants kids and marriage and the next its 'we're moving too fast' she just wants to go back to more than friends but less than bf/gf...then the next shes planning our life and where we'll live and finish college and looking at houses and the next its 'i think we should just be friends for awhile' and she wants to save umm getting intimate for marriage but we keep almost...ya know....sometimes i start it and sometimes she does....shes never been mad about anything actually....but she talks about how much she wants to and then we get close and i can see the hurt in her face and she said she thought she could trust me but apparently not...i told her ok then i wont let things get close again....they did last night and i always stop it b4 it goes all the way but to her what we do do is way way to far...and shes been more distant than usual...i apologized and added that i know thats not enough and i will make changes for her and she said "dont make any yet"(like she doesnt want me to be giving stuff up for her when shes not gonna be here at the end of the day)she keeps changing her mind about us and says she hates it how half the time things are perfect and shes never felt so good b4 and the other half she things we should just be friends...and she doesnt understand why she cant make up her mind and its driving us both crazy...ive been thru like 10 shrinks and theyve all said something different (and theyre crazy too)and i dont think shes ever seen one or wants too...but in a worst case scenario...we both have physical problems and possibly bp and depression for the both of us...add that to she doesnt know if she even loves me....and does anyone think this can work?i know that noone KNOWS...but has anyone made something like this work b4?i asked her right out if i still have a chance with her and she says "i dont wanna talk about it" and"i dont know"...and she just came up to me and told me i worry too much....and i said so "u think i should lighten up just a little on the trying to get for sure answers on everything?u think that would help our relationship?"and she said "maaaybe...just let it flow.things will happen how they r supposed to"so what do u suppose that means...?did i mention that for the past moth her schedule has been...5pm-5am work then 6am-3pm school except for sundays...and shes fallen asleep while driving multiple times and hit a tree and drove away and ive been keeping pretty much the same schedule to catch the wheel when she falls asleep...(never got my liscence so i cant drive)but i get a couple hours of sleep when shes at work and school and spend the rest of the time looking for jobs and now help on the computers...maybe its just sleep?but even if im just overreacting isnt that a problem in itself?i wanna save this relationship and i dont know how...i dont know whats wrong with me where i can decide absolutely that i wont do something and then be doing it a few minutes later(thinking the whole time 'this isnt what i want')and wishing i could stop but not being able to and be disgusted with myself after...but its all beginning to be way too much strain...it drives her crazy talking about our relationship and defining things and it is driving me absolutely crazy to not know where we stand...i mean ive broken down in front of her b4 because i just cant handle not knowing and i get so worried i cant breathe and i start to dry heave and i just cant handle everything...i know i cant compare my situation to anyone elses but just seeing that some ppl have kinda had similar experiences and ppl have quoted exactly what ive been going thru in their posts that i dont feel so hopeless anymore ya know?...i dont even know what i expect from this...but i do know that everytime something has been too much in my life what changes it is a persective that i never considered so im kinda hopin to get ppls perpectives....there is so much more between us good and bad but i could write a couple books with just stuff from the past month.lol...

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 12/6/2007 8:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Dredfy,

Welcome to the board. I hope you can find the support you're looking for here.

I'm not quite certain you're looking for bp support though, having read through your post. Not that it's truly going to matter all that much, but I'm not sure why we're the board you chose. What about this relationship says "bp" to you? Are you bp? Are you struggling with it?

Since you asked...as to your description of your girlfriend's behavior, I'm going to be frank. No, she doesn't sound nearly as committed to the relationship as you are. She's flirting around with other people, dropping subtle hints about how she'd rather be making out with them, dodging questions about the longevity of your relationship, and she won't talk about it. You want definitions. She wants to be left alone. Doesn't sound like a good match to me, but then -- I'm not you. But I think it's time for you to muster some self respect and cut her loose.

I hope this helps and doesn't offend,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Bipolar II
It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare


dredfy
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/6/2007 10:02 PM (GMT -7)   
im sorry,i wasnt sure if this was the right place for anything but as to social situations or even online u cant find anyone who gives a crap...if anyone knows of a more appropriate place for me to address these issues i am frankly gettin kinda desperate so i'll check out anything...just when i see ppls problems i think maybe i have something similar?im not sure...every doc says something different but ive been diagnosed with tons of things...figured its not so farfetched to think maybe one of them was right and honestly ive never really bothered to keep track of everything they say...i was looking for something that can maybe help me understand my relationship problems especially considering my insecurity in a relationship and my 100% sincere intention to respect her wishes regarding sex and then not being able to follow thru with it and feeling sick and disgusted with myself afterwords even tho shes into it and we never do it all but i know she feels the same way only to her the simplist solution would be to end the relationship which weve both said but she says its not that she wants it to end but that she cant think of any other way to keep us from premarital stuff(im not really sure what the rules are regarding talk about sex so im just keepin it vague)and honestly i cant either...when im with her im happier than ive ever been and i was almost married to someone awhile back after a 7 year relationship which i never was as happy as i am now back then...but im so happy with who im with and when she looks away for a second i am completely crushed and she looks back and im panicking about what shes gonna say and it either makes me at least be able to tolerate the uncertainty for awhile or puts me into a mood where all i can think about is a way to get a question out where the answer isnt gonna destroy me...and  i guess im not sure if its her mood that changes and i get worked up over that or if its my mood that changes because im taking things too seriously and in either case WHY would either or both of us feel random ways at random times?why we both know what we want but cant seem to follow thru and we get disapointed in ourselves and eachother?ive never needed help with anything and never really cared what anyone thought about me or anything else...but now i get so frustrated im about to break down at every little thing and i saw 2 psychiatrists lately...one who was arrested for molesting his female patients and one who just listened for the most part and when i ran into her at mcdonalds she accused me of stalking her...i cant deal with those crazy shrinks anymore and i dont know where else to go...ive never really cared about anything seriously enough that i was willing to work to be better for it and im screwing it all up and i guess i wanna know how to fix it...ive never dated for the fun of it...i find someone i really think i can be happy with...get to know them for awhile and then do a relationship...it would be hard to leave her...hurts too much...and thats my reason alone...in defense of everyother i'll be better off without her thing...id be in a homeless shelter some nights if i was lucky enough...otherwise id be in the snow...oddly enough i care about her enough where i would throw myself back into that life to give her a chance at really being happy herself and sometimes i think she would be better off without me...then i wonder who else would ever care about her so much that they would be able to make her as happy as me...and her family loves me...they say ive been the only one to make her "come out of her shell"since as long as they can remember...shes happier with me and im happier with her but we both depress the crap out of eachother and i think im goin in circles...(result of less than 8 hours of sleep in 2 weeks...)so im sorry if this is wasting anyones space or time...i just kinda hoped...maybe theres hope somewhere?

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted Today 10:08 AM (GMT -7)   
No, I don't think you're wasting space... not at all. I was just curious why you picked here as opposed to the depression board, which would seem more like your problem -- and while I'm not a doctor -- you definitely seem to at least be depressed. You say you've been diagnosed with several things lately, but both of your psychiatrists have been sincerely unreliable. Time for try #3. Do you have insurance that could give you a list of recommended names? Or do you have a general doctor who could recommend a reliable one for you -- because that's a ridiculous track record. I recommend a psych because you clearly have some serious insecurity issues and a deep depression.

The more you write, the more it seems clear that you're clinging to one another desperately, and unhealthily. That can't last. If you want to make your relationship last, you HAVE TO LOOSEN UP!!!!!
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Bipolar II
It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare

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