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familyman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 12/9/2007 3:06 PM (GMT -7)   
How rapid are the mood swings when someone is rapid cycling?  My wife seems to change moods from minute to minute but she thinks she is fine.  I can not tell her that there is a problem because she hates me and wants a divorce.  She will not believe anything I say. sad

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 12/9/2007 9:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Sadly Familyman, you can not tell someone what you see if they do not welcome the feedback and rely on it in some ways.  RR for my H & S could be multiple times a month, week, day or even hours...it all depends.  I am sorry you are in such a tough situation.  Don't forget to also take as good care of you, as you are trying to take of her.  Good luck to you. LFW

Honey Bee
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 114
   Posted 12/10/2007 5:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi familyman

LFW is right, rapid cycling can vary greatly between person to person and even with the same person at different times in their life.

My hubbie's current experience is that his mood 'changes' several times during the day, particularly we have noticed on an evening when I think he becomes tired and is almost suddenly very depressed. He never used to be this changeable and although is fully aware of it is is difficult to manage for us both. Is there a certain time of day each day when she is worse than the others that you could maybe use this as an example to highlight that there is a problem?

Unfortunately until your wife realises that her mood changes are an issue there is not much you can do. It really is up to her to see that she has a problem.

Sorry if that sounds negative.

On the positive is there anyone else in her life that you think she might listen to that you could possibly talk that might be willing to raise some of these things with her so that you can both help her - family or friends? Just a thought often people have one person who they actually do listen to and take their advice from.

Sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time.

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 12/10/2007 9:24 AM (GMT -7)   
It can get you in hot water...but, another way for her to question that she is not as stable as she thinks is to question why she is treating you the way she is. Do not be complacent and just take it. BP's ARE capable of being accountable...and should be. I sometimes don't think my H would respect me if I didn't stand up for myself with him. If you don't, it does nothing but tear down your own self esteem and build resentments between you both anyway. That isn't to say become argumentative, but you can say things like...."Why are you speaking to me in that tone? I have not done anything to warrant it. Or, Stop speaking to me so nasty...if nothing else, I expect respect in the way you speak to me - the same as I give you. Or, Why are you seeming so angry at me...what do you feel I have done, because I don't feel I have done anything that should deserve anything like that." Things like that. They are mostly statements, not open ended conversations and it points out that they are going to far, or being unfair, or coming accross in ways that perhaps they don't mean to. It becomes harder to claim things are doing just fine when they have that kind of feedback. And it has to come from a place of standing up for yourself respectfully - yet firmly - that it is NOT okay and you will not stand for it. The minute you try and be too understanding about it...it will only get worse. I sometimes think that my H is doing it just to get me to help him stop by confronting him. He can get pissed for the moment, but then he calms down. Does this make a weird kind of sense to you? When I don't do this, it is almost like he gets worse. These are just some thoughts for you. Good luck...LFW

familyman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 12/10/2007 10:29 AM (GMT -7)   
I did confront her yestereday. i asked her if there was a problem. She told me that I was in her space. She said she was uncomfortable all; the time with me around. I told her that I didn't think it was right for me to have to leave and be uncomfortable so she can be confortable. I am the one sleeping on the couch. Of course, I got angry and told her to go ***** her boyfriend that I suspect she has. She told me that I always say mean things. I explained that I am not stupid and I see the signs but I did not give her details. She of course says she is not seeing or doing anything with anyone else and ask me whjen she would have the time. I told her where there is a will there is a way. I used to be the other man before we got married. She was living with someone when I started seeing her. She was mad that I accused her but I told her I was busting my butt to be nice to her and I was trying to be her friend. I said this but I really want her to be my wife. Baby steps. She then started treating me a little better. i took our daughter away for about 4 hours and gave her the space she wanted. I don't know what to do or how to act any more. I go a long time putting up with it then I just crack and say the things that I am thinking but shouldn't say. i FEEL LIKE I AM GOING CRAZY!!!!!! ALL I WANT IS TO HAVE MY LOVING WIFE BACK OR SOMETHING FAIRLY CLOSE!!! SHE THINKS THAT HER MEDS AR WORKING. I CAN'T TELL IF SHE TRUELY HATES ME AND WANTS A DIVORCE OR IF IT IS HER ILLNESS!!! I WOULDN'T WISH THIS PAIN ON MY WORST ENEMY!!!!!!

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 12/10/2007 2:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Familyman, One of the keys to effectively working with someone with the BP condition IMO, is to STAY CALM and NOT say things that are nasty or angry and designed to hurt them back. That doesn't mean AT ALL to be a push over. Everything that needs to be said can be done with firmness and respect, but it is clear to the other person you are not messing around about what you are saying. When you do "pop", you STILL need to be responsible and not antagonistic about it. That does nothing but create a worse situation.

As to the "trust" issues you have going on with her, that is a separate story. Perhaps you can tell your wife that you want to go to see a therapist together in the hopes of working through some of your problems together. That you have a child, and therefore a responsibility to do all you can to keep your marriage strong and happy for their sake. Then, find a therapist well versed in BP issues that can also address the broad spectrum issues you both have going on. A good therapist will earn her trust, and then be able to suggest that perhaps she is not as stable as she thinks. And you will have an opportunity to share your feelings in a safer environment. You must recognize that although you wife is BP, it is not the only issue between you. And some of those other issues are yours. I am not saying it is therefore your fault. I am just saying that the issues that exist beyond the BP are not all hers. Illness or not, it always takes two to tango. So, work on the stuff you can - that would be your issues. Stand up for yourself and demand better from her. And work to get the two of you into a good therapist to work on the relationship in a safer and positive environment.

The rest, all I can share is do your best to stop feeling victimized by her and the BP. You can only be a victim if you allow it. What would you tell your child if, when she/he was older, and was in a marriage to a BP and going through what you are? Then...do that. Sit your wife down and tell her you love her and it is time you worked together on this. That you need to be able to give your feedback to the doctor, or you don't know how things will ever get better between you. It is time to be pro-active. Tell her if you are able to speak with the doctor, perhaps you will also get educated and discover that this is stable and your expectation is off. The bottom line Familyman, you need to make decisions about how you want to live, and is this IT if it never changes? Now as we all know, with BP, it eventually does change....but how long are you willing to go through it? How much damage are you willing to have take place before it crosses the line of no return for you? Are you waiting to not care anymore? The fact is, you need to take as good care of you, the way you take of her and stop putting your needs, wants and desires at the bottom of the list. That doesn't mean TAKE what you need, but it doesn't mean ignore your own needs for her either. Does this all make sense to you? Whatever you choose, do it with honor and integrity both for you, your marriage, and your child. LFW

familyman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 12/10/2007 3:42 PM (GMT -7)   
I can't get her to see a therapist together because at this point she does not want to work things out. i have gone through many years of her blaming me for all our problems but it is just recently that i discovered that a lot of it could be because of her bp. i am tired of being blamed for everything. I want this to work out but I can't do it by myself and she doesn't want to work out anything right now. I am insecure because I don't want to be alone but I also love the person I married. Unfortunately she is not the person I married. I don't want to leave her when I think it will cause her to slide without her even realizing what is going on. I n her little world everything is fine and she can make it by herself. If I leave, I have to take my daughter and I will fight for custody. she has been irrational and a danger to herself by drinking and driving. Our last big arguement was becasue I told her how I felt. She threatened violence against me and I am affraid to leave my daughter with her. I fear that taking my daughter will send her into a tail spin.

familyman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 12/10/2007 3:45 PM (GMT -7)   
i am scared to death of losing her and my daughter. I have been through a lot of stuff other than this over the last year and a half. i don't know if I can handle much more trauma in my life. I don't know what to do. I pray all the time and I am not a religious person but I don't know where else to turn.

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 12/10/2007 4:43 PM (GMT -7)   
In many ways Familyman, you already are saying you know what you need to do, but you don't want to. The thing is, while you're wife is no longer the woman you married, you either have to make peace with the person who is there now, or move on. Whether or not your wife ever emotionally returns to you can not be answered. All you can do is deal with the person she is now, and has been apparently for some time. You have to ask how much more you are willing to deal with? Is this environment good for your daughter? Perhaps you need to consult an attorney to know the best way to handle things upon leaving - so that you ensure your daughters safety and primary custody with consistent and supportive visitation for your wife? I know you are worried about her in this situation…but don’t forget to care about yourself as much too! Perhaps find a living situation where you are on one end of the block and she is on the other, or get two houses back to back and share a back yard. Something that allows good access to the daughter for both of you and yet you can oversee her safety at all times? The fact is, if this doesn't change...what do you want to do? I hear your pain, I hear your sadness, and I completely understand it. But your options are leave things as they are and you be miserable, or move forward, mourn the loss of the wife you married and separate taking and fighting for primary custody until your wife is more responsible and ready for wellness again, so you can choose to function with joint custody and work as friends for the benefit of your child. Or, wait for the miracle you are praying for that may or may not ever come. I wish I had better words of encouragement for you, but I think this is the reality you are facing, based on what you have shared. I am sorry to hear you are in such pain. Be good to yourself the way your wife would have if she were well. LFW

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 12/10/2007 7:27 PM (GMT -7)   
I understand your frustration, but please avoid writing in all caps as it denotes yelling and is potentially upsetting to readers. Thanks.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Bipolar II
It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 12/10/2007 7:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Familyman,

The one thing that is so hard for family members of bps to get is that unless she's willing to work with you, there isn't anything you can do to force her to get further treatment. Whether she's rapid cycling or not -- it doesn't matter. If she's seeing her doctor and is happy with her treatment, you can't force the issue. If her mood is swinging several times a day, she's probably rapid cycling, but didn't you also say you have a toddler? Mood swings are by nature somewhat more common in mothers of young children. Not that that makes it more fun...

I appreciate that you love the woman you married and that you don't want to leave. I notice you say you are sleeping on the couch and that you are still living at home. Does that mean there is still hope for the marriage or have you reached the stage where you have been negotiating who is to move?
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Bipolar II
It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare

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