Wifes meds reduced (unfortunately)

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familyman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 12/21/2007 3:51 PM (GMT -7)   
I saw my wifes new perscription of Topomax today.  I just had an argument with her about her not taking the proper dosage.  she was perscribed 75 mg a day on the first perscription.  She decided on her own to only take 50 mg because the meds were giving her nightmares.  As I have said on previous post, I found out recently that she is only taking 25 mg.  as is apparent from my previous post, that amount of the meds is not working.  Now her new perscription is only for 25 mg.  Now she can't cant be accused of not taking her meds as percribed because her stupid doctor gave her a perscription for 25 mg.  She has once again managed to convince her doctor that she is doing fine as she continues to deny the way she is acting.  What am i supposed to do when the doctor does not do his job?  He should know that some bp are manipulative.  She is obviously manipulating me.
 
Going to PA with her this holiday week.  Don't want to deal with her treating me like crap but I don't want to spend the holidays without my daughter again.  I am worried about telling ehr family how she is acting because they don't see her often enough to notice any different and she is always anxious when we go up there.  She has taken her rings off, so I took mine off as well.  I would work things out with her in a heart beat but I don't want to let her walk all over me any more.  She can not have a rational conversation and she continues to blame me for everything.  She even accused me of intentinally trying to drive her crazy.  I can't be committed to or relationship if she isn't committed to it.  I feel the worse about the fact that she is destroying our life and she can't even help it.  She has no idea what she is doing. sad

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 12/22/2007 12:55 AM (GMT -7)   
What's missing with her therapist is YOUR input. I am part of my H wellness team. My feedback is important and if the dx has not spoken to me, they will call in the middle of one of their sessions to check in about what I am seeing, and see if it matches my H's perspective on how he is doing. THIS is what should be taking place with your situation. Then, the dx can evaluate how the wife responds to what you say, is she on board with it or not, and then can determine the best course of treatment. Without your input, that is VERY one sided and difficult for them. It is a shame the dx is not insisting on this for your wife’s wellbeing.

Remember power comes in quite calm behavior from the spouse as it backs up the definitive statements said...i.e. "don't speak to me in that manner, that is unacceptable, I will not stand for it"...then if she does it again, give her a look of disappointment and disapproval - turn - then walk away from her without a word until she stops. All you can do is disengage from her in those moments and not give her what she wants...someone to verbally whip on. You must think of it this way...it is a fishing metaphor...she bates the hood and casts it out....if YOU do not bite, then she can't reel you into a fight. Focus solely on taking care of your daughter and do all you can to not get caught in her hook to engage you in an argument so she has a place to vent out her demons.

You are in a tough spot, and it will stay tough until YOU make some definitive decisions for yourself and not wait to see what else she is going to do. Decide what is acceptable to you, and then take action. If being treated this way is NOT acceptable, take action, say no more and mean it. Take legal action, move in next door, down the street...whatever. Focus on what is best for your daughter (and certainly a good working relationship with "mommy & daddy" on her behalf would be at the top of the list - whether you remain living together or not...married or not), and getting YOUR life happy again. Stop forgetting that YOU count too. The fact that your wife is raging ill right now, given the length of time, no longer matters; the fact is, IF she ever gets well, and is ready to behave as a true partner both in wellness and in life, there is nothing that says you can't revisit reconciliation for your family.

Hang in there. LFW

familyman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 12/22/2007 5:30 AM (GMT -7)   
I can't communicate with her doctor because she will not allow it. I called her doctor on my own to tell him what was going on . I left him a message to call me back. All he did was tell my wife I called whcih caused a huge argument between me and my wife. She has told the doctor that I am the problem, so I doubt he will be looking for my input.

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 12/22/2007 10:41 AM (GMT -7)   
This is the crux of your problem Familyman. A BP can not go this alone, and ANY really good pdoc will know that. If a patient is married, then having the spouse a part of the mix is vital for the success of the patient. Plus, during the sessions, the pdoc can get to also know the spouse and be able to determine over time if accusations such as your wife are making could be proving true - or they are not. As an example, my H's pdoc knows me well because of the work we do together as a team, he sees that I am level headed, straight up honest, when my H complains that I am meticulous about details and it drives him crazy....blah blah, the pdoc can see that that statement is true, because he has experienced me being so with him as well about details concerning my feedback, tracking meds for our S...etc. So, that would not seem like a "off reality" statement on the part of my H. But if my H says that he is fine and I am the source of all his problems, I am inconsistent, demanding, moody or lying about things, trying to drive him crazy..whatever...the pdoc knows me well enough that he would see that the problem with perception is lying with my H, and therefore would be BP related. He would have a barometer to base level on for them. Does this make sense? If your wife is working SO hard to keep you out of this, there is NOTHING you can do except realize you do NOT have a partner in this relationship and make a CHOICE if THIS is how you want to live your life forever.

Familyman, the fact that your wife has BP and it is raging right now, does not mean she is absolved from being held accountable for her actions and behavior. You do her NO favors by letting her have a free pass because of the BP. You simply create more of a monster. And all you have is the information that she is ill, treating you poorly, has been for a long time, and on the assumption it never changes back....is this how you want to live? When she got mad at you for calling you pdoc, you should have said you are her H, and what you said was important that he hears, and it is completely unacceptable that you not be part of the team for her. You should make a definitive statement and then COMPLETELY disengage. She can’t argue by herself if you remove yourself from being in the mix at that moment. Make a choice for yourself and take your own emotional power back. That is how you stop being victim to her BP. Is it sad, YES. But it IS your reality. Does that make sense? Ask yourself what are you getting out of this situation by staying in it, and what you are not. Be honest with yourself....Are you a drama junkie? Have you always been a victim - so the role comes easily to you? Were you ever abused before while growing up? The fact is, if you say yes to any of that, then you too may need some support from a therapist because then in some way, this abuse you are dealing with seems in a bizarre way can feel comfortable because it feels familiar – even if it is negative. Do you understand what I mean? There is always a pay off for the choices we make, albeit good or bad, but there is always a pay off somewhere. i.e. - A person who waits for the other to "decide" on the fate of things becomes absolved of their own responsibility to the situations outcome. They can't be 'responsible" if it wasn't their "choice". Do you see the game in that? Decide what YOU are going to do for yourself, this is how you will take your personal power back. Good luck...LFW

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 12/22/2007 12:17 PM (GMT -7)   
I gotta say, LFW, that seems a little harsh.

I don't think fighting for the health of his wife or his family makes him a drama junkie. Do I think familyman's relationship is toxic? Sure seems that way. And I do think you could use some professional help of your own to help work through this, familyman -- a therapist or counselor who could give you some professional advice on how best to proceed -- someone who knows the condition and the ins and outs of the medical system, and most importantly someone who could give you a little moral support while you're going through this tough time. But you might consider your own motives here.

I am really baffled by your wife's prescription. 25 mgs of topomax is really low. That's the starting dose and then it usually goes up from there. (Remember, I'm no doctor, just a girl with good research skills). Is she on something else as well? It's often used in conjunction with other things. Is she supposed to take is a few times a day? The doc must have put her on something else as well. He's not that stupid -- he's got to be able to see the signs. She is seeing a psychiatrist and not just a gp right?

One last thing: I am not completely sold on the idea that all spouses have access to medical data/personnel. There's a reason for HIPAA. And while I'm sure you're very responsible Familyman, I grew up in an abusive household, LFW, and some people want their medical info kept separate from their spouses for a reason. Sometimes the spouses ARE the unreliable ones, whether the patient is bp or not.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Bipolar II
It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 12/22/2007 10:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Serafena, I think you should re-read the post again. I did not say that he WAS a drama junkie/victim/or a person with past abuse issues. I said that these would be questions he should ask himself to see if HE felt he was any of those things. And IF so, then it might explain why he was having such a hard time realizing he matters too, or having such a hard time standing up for himself in this situation. I also said that if HE felt he was, that perhaps it was time that he got some support with a therapist for himself in this situation.

I do understand why HIPPA exists, and I DO agree with it in most cases. I also agree with your perspective that an abuser can be BP or the spouse of one, and therefore, in some cases, the spouse should not have access. However, if it was that kind of situation, a good pdoc would know that is going on, there is danger, and would be doing all they can to work with their patient to support them in getting away from the person perpetrating the abuse. And I do feel strongly that a spouse should be involved in the process of wellness if their partner is BP. Success comes from a team effort. Without it, I think situations loose balance and perspective. But I DO hear what you are saying, and I DO have a lot of empathy for what you had to grow up in. I wish that I could HUG all the pain and damage it caused away for you.

I hope this helped straighten out what I said for you. LFW

familyman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 12/27/2007 7:18 AM (GMT -7)   
She was originally on 75 mg of Topomax and Welbutrin. Not sure does on that. She did not like the fact that it gave her nightmares. She stopped taking it. that is when our problems started. She reduced it to 50 mg on her own. With her doctors approval. Now recently her doctor gave her a perscription for just 25 mg. My wife has a way of telling the doctors what she wants and what she thinks is working. She has done this for years. She keeps telling everyone her meds are working. They are helping but she needs to take the full 75 mg. She is in sales and the full dose makes her tired all the time. She doesn't like it. Everyone at work expects her to be miss personality and bubbly and she can't be that way when she takes 75 mg.

I have taken my ring off and am going about my business as if she is just a friend. I don't know what else I can do for her. I am trying to communicate with her family but they only see her once a year and she puts on a great show for them. she has not even told anyone that she wants a divorce except her brother.
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