Bipolar IIIt is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare
I did up my dose right after I posted this morning. Hopefully that will help, but I know it was the right decision. Thank you for your support on that.
One pick me up I can count on, is seeing my family(mostly my nephew) tomorrow. We're all having Christmas dinner at my Mom's. And I am going to do some extreme relaxation tonight. Bath, candles, crochet, watch TV, have a tea...The house is half way to being done with the cleaning. My bf just went out to get our groceries.
I am starting to feel like I'm taking control over this depression. But I know that it's much worse than I thought, so I am going to take baby steps.
Thanks again for getting back to me. I am definitely in need of some support today.
It sounds like you know exactly what you have to do.
Taking a relaxing bath w/candles, working on your crochet, watching t.v. and enjoying your tea sounds like a good plan for tonight!
Sometimes we just have all these thoughts racing through our brains and it just drains us of all energy. Sometimes just writing about it, like you did here today helps us really hear/visualize what is exactly happening.
I hope the increase in your med will help you to feel better. Don't give up the fight,...just hang in there kiddo.
I have officially crashed into a major state of depression. I cannot believe this. Why is this happening? I am so frustrated. I don't want this to mean that the Lamictal is not working, b/c that's the only med I'm willing to be on.
I don't know if this is all just stemming from all the stress I am feeling with the social outings I have over the next few days, but I am really in bad shape; and did I mention frustrated?
Thank you all for posting.
I feel like I am on the verge of having a nervous breakdown. I feel like I am completely going to lose control. Bf is upset with me tonight. We're going out for his birthday tonight. I've had several panic attacks today. I've been crying off and on. I am trying really hard to do all the things that all of you have suggested, but I just can't calm down. I am totally freaking out. Breathing just isn't enough, nothing is working. I am so worried I'm not going to be okay when I have to go back to school b/c of all of this tremendous stress.
I feel so awful about myself right now. I don't remember a time where I was so overwhelmed. I am trying to invite one of my close friends over tomorrow night, but I'm not sure if I can even get through that. Maybe that's the wrong thing to do anyway; b/c I need to relax.
I am so confused.
LFW-You said it perfectly. I do need to stop. Seriously. I am going to have a talk with my bf tonight. We did get into a fight last night after we got home (really late). I ended up crying; I thought I was going to lose control, but I just stayed sort of calm and told him how I was really breaking down with all of this holiday stuff. He wants to go out for New Years' and I'm not sure what I'm going to do. The next two days I have nothing scheduled, so if I get to relax and if my mood improves, then I may go with him. If not though, I may stay home-as much as it's going to hurt not being with him on New Years', I do need to put my health first. I know he will offer to stay home with me, but I know that's not what he really wants. He really wants to go out, and if he stayed here with me, it would be very obvious that he would want to be somewhere else-and honestly if that's the case, I would rather be alone. So- I am going to try to calm down over the next two days.
And, I am making a goal LFW-I am going to do some deep breathing today.
Anyway, thanks so much for posting. I am so sorry guys to rant like I do when I'm on the edge.
I did go out the other night for my bf's bday, which is today. It was okay, we were out late. And we had a fight when we got home. So...
Then we had a friend over last night, and I am pretty sure that we're going out for New Years' tomorrow night. All I have to say is---I cannot wait until all of this holiday garbage is over!
I really have not enjoyed my time off from school; except for Christmas day with my bf. We really had a great day that day (and night). It was wonderful, the best part of my Christmas.
My mood has improved slightly since I am home today, but I am anxious about tomorrow night.
LFW-I didn't do any deep breathing yesterday. Ugh, I will try again maybe tonight. I recall saying I was going to have a bath, light candles, and have a tea--have a very quiet night to myself--about a week ago. My bf is going out again tonight for his bday with some friends, so I will have the house to myself, and I will do those soothing things to bring myself some peace.
Anyway, I appreciate you all, and you're all in my thoughts.
Michelle & Everyone,
Michelle-Thanks so much for your post, and prayers. I really need them right now. I am seriously having one of the worst times I've had in a long time. My bf and I have been fighting all day, and I honestly cannot remember all those things we (HW) were all saying over the last week about how he loves me etc. I know he does; but I feel like I constantly disappoint him, meanwhile, I am proud of myself for all the efforts I have made over the past several days with all of these outings/social gatherings.
Today, he invited a friend over for New Years' ----without even asking me first! We have had this friend over here for the last 3 days in a row and to be honest, I didn't want him here tonight, again. I wanted to be alone with my bf-either that or go to the party that we were supposed to go to. It just seems that no matter what, we can't do any of the things that are going to be less stressful for me. He offers to do that, but if I went along with it, he would make it known the entire time how he hated what we were doing.
I don't know what to do anymore. I cannot wait to go to bed tonight and for all of this holiday stuff to finally, finally end. I am at the end of my rope; I am shaking so badly, my stomach hurts, I am having constant panic attacks. I've never felt so bad physically from stress. I cannot even believe any of this.
There was nothing I could do you guys. If I said to my bf that I needed to be alone tonight with him, and we ended up doing that-it would be so miserable-he would make me feel so horrible about it. I have to go through with this tonight. I am so upset right now. I think I'll be checking in on HW for some comfort tonight, so if anyone isn't busy and wants to post, it would be much appreciated. I'll probably come and vent more as well. It is the only thing that is helping me right now.
Michelle-in answer to your question about school-the thought of going back to school while I am so absolutely stressed out is scaring me right now. I need more time off to relax. I have not relaxed almost the entire time that I have been off. That is really bothering me. I am so proud of you for looking for a job, and keeping praying that you find one soon. Thank you so much for sharing the story about your bunny to me; it really made me smile. I hope you have a good night tonight, just relax, like I said, things are going to definitely get better for you.
To all of my dear HW family-Happy New Year and I hope you all have a wonderful night & much healing for 2008.
Thank you so much for what you said. It's all so true.
I feel ashamed that I am not putting myself first, or that I am always doing what he wants. The only reason I do it, is because I don't want to have to deal with the aftermath--him being mad at me or not having a good time and making me feel bad for it etc.
But that says something right there. That's terrible that's the way it is. I should be making changes and he should be making changes. And honestly the only way I see that happening is if we go into counselling together. Because, I do try to put my foot down and tell him how I'm feeling, and therefore, I need to slow down--but it only makes him angry. And you know what, I'm not even sure counselling would help that. If he resents me for this illness (and that's truly how it feels sometimes) then how can that be turned around? Honestly I'm sure it could if he would learn more about this illness, try to understand more, if a professional counsellor would guide him to see things about this illness so he could simply have some compassion. The only problem is, is that he sees all of that as nothing more than someone blaming him or telling him he is awful, or doing wrong. That's something else that makes him so angry. It's so frustrating because when I am talking to him about all of this, I make sure that I am clear: that I am not blaming him, but that I just need some understanding or compassion from him. Because I don't really blame him; this illness is truly complicated and he's not the one suffering from it, so I don't expect him to be perfect in responding to it all. That's something else that I express to him as well.
Ugh, anyway, I am really sorry for carrying on in my previous post last night. My emotions were running high, I was extremely exhausted and just a mess. Honestly....
Serafena-Thank you so much for your post. It honestly sounds like you had a relaxing New Years' Eve. Michelle-I am thinking of you and thank you for your warmth. It means so much to me.
I am going to set things in motion for me and my bf to find a way to work through this stuff together, better. I've done a lot of reading and bipolar couples need to do the work at finding a way to live together and deal with the illness effectively. This involves routines, boundaries, communication regarding our needs etc. And this is something that is going to take a very long time to develop, but I know we can do it.
I met with my support worker yesterday and she wants me to ask my bf if we would accept a call from her sometime in the near future. The call is simply so that she can explain that her organization has counselling available to spouses of bp/anxiety. I've already mentioned counselling to him; just so he can talk about how this affects him etc. This outlet may be better b/c the counsellor is so familiar with bp and mental illness. In the past when we've talked about this, he is a little apprehensive, but not totally opposed. And when I am going to ask him about my worker talking with him, it's going to be made clear that it's a phone call for him, and that it's not something he has to decide right away. It's only so she can explain what is available.
Meanwhile, I have had terrible panic attacks all day today; at school, now at home. Ugh. Still exhausted, but I feel extremely anxious, and honestly I'm not quite sure what that's about. Maybe 'cause I'm still not feeling great I guess? I did call my pdoc yesterday....ever so patiently waiting to hear back....I left a message with his secretary about my depression, and wanting to up my Lamictal again. I will call again tomorrow to follow up. Need to get this under control.
Being back at school has been a huge struggle. Especially with this anxiety today. Anyway, thinking of you all....
Thank you LFW & Michelle.
It is a great plan of action for me and my bf, but I don't know if I'm being realistic in thinking that he will work with me on it.
I'm actually wondering today what's going to happen with us. I just don't know. I think I better stop right there, because the thoughts in my head could very well be the depression talking. Because right now, I don't see us staying together.
As for my pdoc/meds. They got back to me and I'm going up another 25mg; therefore now taking 125mg a day. We shall see. I have now been depressed for almost 4 weeks straight.