Ladies, I really have to get this off my chest. This infection has knocked me off my feet and the huge doses of
antibiotics is kicking the crap out of me, figuratively and literally.
Watching 400 lb women strip to their underwear and duke it out with an advesary on the Jerry Springer show is about as interesting as Maury interviewing some women for the 9th time as they test men 15 & 16 to see if any of them is the baby's father.
I can only take so much of Judge Judy even thought I just love her and Burt. I'm tired of watching Jeff Corwin catch the same anaconda this week as he has for every week since August.
But, there is a series of commercials driving me up the wall. (And I don't mean "Rubberband" man. I love him.) I am talking about "that special part of a male body", an advertisement by someone who looks like an aged hooker and constantly refers to this part while trying to sell something that is "guaranteed" to work.
I'm tired of watching "Bob" tell his good friend, "Tom", that he
has to call for a free sample of "extenz". I've sat through all
I can of Tom and his wife holding up the cocktail weinies before Tom is transformed to "walking large" and "stepping easy". Will someone please tell me what it means? I can maybe see the "stepping easy" but I'll be dâmned if I can figure out the "walking large". Mybe I don't want to figure it out. I also think that the "very happy partner at the clubhouse" is an insult to women. They all remind me of Ozzie and Harriett.
Which now brings me to the absolutely stupidest of all these "special part of the male body" commercials. First, we are informed that a man cannot use this product unless he is healthy enough for sex and does not have high blood pressure or take pills for heart pain. What does this infer to men? Stop taking the needed pills and start taking these "special" pills.
And now for the lowest of the comments about these products. "Erections lasting four hours, while rare, require immediate medical attention." Answer me this, how many men has the coroner had to autopsy because of that statement? I can just picture it now:
"911 operator. What is your emergency?"
"My willie won't work."
"I beg your pardon, sir."
"I said my willie won't work. It won't wankle."
"Sir, I need to know what the emergency is."
"If you will just listen, I'll tell you what my
emergency is. MY WILLIE WON'T WORK!"
"Are you saying that your willie won't work or
wankle and you are requesting the paramedics? Please hold while I transfer you to my supervisor."
"911 Supervisor. What is your emergency, sir?"
"My willie won't wankle and I am following the
directions on the pill bottle. I called you when my
erection hit four hours and now it's four hours and
five minutes because you people are incompetent! I require
immediate medical assistance."
"Sir, according to our policy, this does not qualify as
a 911 emergency."
"What do you mean it doesn't qualify as an emergency? I
need immediate medical assistance and you are refusing to
give it to me. I am going to end up sueing all of you if
I suffer any permanent damage to my willy."
"Sir, if I dispatched the paramedics to you, what exactly
is it you would want them to do?"
"I don't know what they do for this condition but I
need immediate assistance."
"Have you called the seller of the pills?"
"Yes, you idiot, I called them. I got a taped message
saying they are in Buenos Aries. They said to
contact you. I need help immediately or I will
"Now really sir, I don't think anyone has ever died from
this particular willy wankling."
"What are you? Some kind of doctor. How do you know
how serious this situation is?"
"Well, 911 is not the answer to your problem, sir? I have
another number here for you to call for this problem."
"Listen it is now 4 hours and 15 minutes and I'm still
saluting the flagpole. DO SOMETHING!.
"Yes, sir, I do understand your concern. Please call
1-888-555-1212. Tell the woman who answers what your
situation is and she will dispatch people to take care
of you. Oh, her name is Lorraina Bobbett."
I think I need to turn the telly off more frequently.
A good friend will bail you out of jail...
but a true friend will be sitting
next to you saying,
"Dâmn... that was fun!".