This time tommorrow

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Nature's Spirit
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Date Joined Aug 2004
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 1/20/2005 2:19 AM (GMT -7)   
I am going in for my biopsy at 2:30, I can't sleep, I don't really feel anything right now about what it is I have to do.. other than being numb..
 
I have soo much respect and compassion for what everyone is going through here and not knowing my condition I feel like what I'm going through is minor compared to most.. however I still have this incredible knot growing in my throat from trying not to cry..
 
I don't relate well over the internet and its hard to find the right words to show you all how I feel knowing what your going through.. my heart aches more than any physical pain I am going through, seeing so many people fight for their lives, or being stripped of enjoying the things most people take for granted.. I can't imagine the pain that those close to you are feeling also, I think about my kids and how what tommorrow actually today brings is gonna affect them.. They are my life and I don't want to disappoint them by not being brave..but I am soo scared, there is soo many things I want to do before it's my time.. So many things I want to teach them about, that life is good.. and not always filled with such evil, I want to be there to hold them when they are frightened themselves or when they get their first heartbreak... this list is so long!! I know its not right to ask "why?" because such is life.. I can't run from this or deny that this is happening for once like I have with crohn's.. still lookin for a rock tho, to crawl under and pray i fall asleep and wake up and its all gone.. the pain, sickness, etc
K.. can't type my eyes are flooding and its hard to see , so I'm gonna go lay down now and I'll post when I'm able to, later today after the biopsy.. In the meantime, keeping you all in my prayers..
 
There are two days in the week about which and upon which I never worry.  Two carefree days, kept sacredly free from fear and apprehension.  One of these days is Yesterday... And the other day I do not worry about is Tommorrow.  
~Robert Jones Burdette


Frayda
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2003
Total Posts : 248
   Posted 1/20/2005 5:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Good Luck today! The next few days will be very difficult as you await the biopsy results. Try ro find comfort in that most of the time (80%) they are benign. We all hope and pray for benign results. Hugs, Frayda

gma
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Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 2921
   Posted 1/20/2005 7:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Nature's Spirit, what is your first name? It is easier for me to relate to someone with a name and I am creating a picture in my mind....white roots and orange hair, right? LOL Just teasing. Altho by the time you read this your biopsy will possibly be over. But to answer your thoughts about the girls on this board, yes, there are some fighting some major battles. Some like myself are fighting minor ones. We have some who are far out from their diagnosis doing very well, they can give you hope. Those that are really battling can show you the positive spirit and the great attitude needed to fight the fight. We have a great group here, we have lost many over the five years many of us have been together and it has been difficult when we lost them. The important message is to keep on watching and fighting and giving of yourself to help others. I hope and pray you get good news with your biopsy, the other problems you have are enough to have to deal with. And if the biopsy is positive, I hope it is the slowest growing, smallest bit of cancer there is and easily treated. Hugs MK PS My name is Mary Kay like the cosmetics...... but people actually do call me MK which is fine with me.


Luci
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Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 892
   Posted 1/20/2005 8:20 AM (GMT -7)   
It's 7:18 PST here, so you still have a couple of hours before the bx. I hope all goes well and that your recovery is event-free. I'll be thinking of you. Luci

PS-I'm with MK, can you give us a name? I like to think about what everyone looks like and a name helps a lot.
In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer.  Albert Camus


ardee
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Date Joined Sep 2003
Total Posts : 854
   Posted 1/20/2005 11:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Yes, please, I'd love to know your name. I understand exactly how you feel. I was pretty stoic about the whole thing until my daughter called my son, who was in the waiting room with me, and he blurted out something about me having a "boob whacked off." LOL Then I lost it. My daughter got hysterical over the phone, and I nearly whacked my son, a twenty-something who should know better. Then my daughter and I cried like babies, my son was disgusted with both of us, and I cried till my biopsy was over, not because I was scared, but I didn't want to worry my daughter till there was something to definitely worry about. I look back and laugh at the whole thing now, even tho, it turns out, I did have to worry.

We all have our stories to tell. Hang in there. The really hard part is the waiting.

L&H,
Rita


Candy
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Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 1294
   Posted 1/20/2005 1:36 PM (GMT -7)   

Nature's Spirit:

We DO have many stories of how we felt/feel going through all of the stages of this THING.  Your feelings and fears are normal.  Waiting is the hardest part. 

I always felt my B/C was a blessing.  It brought me closer to my faith, my husband, children and other family members.  Friends were supportive and comforting.  I met new people in all walks of life that have enriched mine.  I am eternally grateful.  The ladies of this board are friends that I would never have had if not for the THING.  They have been a supportive loving helpful enrichment to my life.  I love them all and pray for them daily, with you included. 

Your life with your children is just that, whether it is a day or 100 years.  Make the most out of every moment.  You do not have to be brave all the time.  They want you to be you, while having joyous opportunities to help you and support you enough to be brave.  Let them.

Ask "Why?" all you want.  While you are praying for all of us and your family, include a conversation about you!!  This is when you will find the answers.  I actually do not believe in the why question (not now anyway).  I always try to ask why not.  It gives a totally different perspective to the situation and a path for me to find different answers.

I have you in my prayers and hope that we hear B-9 from you when you get results, but if not, we are here to help, support, love, listen, rant with you, whatever it takes to help you through the many, many more years you have to be with us.
 
Hugs,
 
Candy


Many Blessings for the New Year

 

 

Life may not be the party

 we hoped for,

but while we are here we might as

well dance.
   


postal2
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Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 1106
   Posted 1/20/2005 2:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Nautres Spirit, I just wanted to let you know that I am chanting the B-9 chant. You are in my prayers and I too hope you will tell us your name tongue   I agree the waiting is the hardest part. My mind jumped from one sinario to another. It was hard to NOT think about it. I hope to hear good news but if not, we are here 24/7!  L&H, Gail
 It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth -- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.   Elisabeth Kubler Ross


Ynkefan31
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Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 586
   Posted 1/21/2005 4:48 AM (GMT -7)   
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as you wait for your results.  The waiting is the hardest part. 
VICKY
YYYYYY


coopfesta
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Date Joined Sep 2003
Total Posts : 1373
   Posted 1/22/2005 2:03 PM (GMT -7)   
By now you're waiting.  I'm waiting with you.  I'm trying to send you some strength. 
 
Today is all any of us have, sometimes that helped me.  I went through similar thoughts about my son.  I really related with what you said.
 
I'm waiting with you.
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." -Confucius

Ellen


Nature's Spirit
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2004
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 1/22/2005 11:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Jenny :-)   is my name
 
UPDATE
My hair finally got to a realistic looking color.. hehe
 
Thursday I went to my appt.  The lady nurse came in to talk to me before I got undressed explaining to me she would be the one who would consult me with what my results might be, very informative and kind.. I went into the room where I waited for the radiologist and when he got there he explained what it was he was goin to do.. After he looked it over again on the ultrasound, he asked if it caused me pain.. I said 'yes!' So he recommended that I talk to a surgeon about just having the tumor removed since it was right under the skin.. That made sense to me, why go through a biopsy when its causing me pain anyways JUST TAKE IT OUT! So on Friday I went and talked to this surgeon and he agreed to take it out, so UGH I go in on the 31st.. But time is weighing down on my thoughts about the what ifs... I'm trying to keep myself preoccupied, don't think my house has ever been this clean!! heh but I am running out of things to keep my mind off of it..
 
It's interesting how detailed they are about this particular surgery, I have to take a shower the night before using a special soap they gave me and again another shower in the morning with the same soap.. Not able to wear makeup, nailpolish, lotion, perfume or deodorant<~~ I find that odd and also have to show up at 11am and my surgery is at 2pm, why I have to show up 3 hours early is mindboggling.. But at least it's sounding a bit more professional than my last experience with surgeries..
 
Thank you all for the warm thoughts and prayers, and I pray for you all just the same...
Jenny
There are two days in the week about which and upon which I never worry.  Two carefree days, kept sacredly free from fear and apprehension.  One of these days is Yesterday... And the other day I do not worry about is Tommorrow.  
~Robert Jones Burdette


gma
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Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 2921
   Posted 1/23/2005 7:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Jenny, now I seem to remember at some time maybe I knew your name is Jenny! I have a grand daughter Jenny.

It sure makes sense to me for them to remove the lump and not bother with the biopsy. Why did they not decide to do that in the first place? Who knows, maybe it is a male thing.

As for presurgical prep, fifty years ago, almost, I was in nurse's training. You should have seen the surgical prep done in the hospitals for just the very same thing as you are talking about. First of all people were admitted two days ahead of time so all the blood tests, etc. could be done. The night before surgery, a nurse or surgical technician came to your room and not only did all the scrubbing of the site, but they shaved it. Now you know how much hair is on a woman's breast, but it was shaved............. Student nurses had the pleasure of doing this job, which was not much on a female breast but we also had to shave the men for various surgeries. Now that was a lovely job, especially when they were very hairy.

The three hours in advance, is to get you settled in, they will do any last minute lab tests, possibly hook you up to an EKG, BP, etc. to make sure you are in good shape for surgery. Then most likely your anesthetist will come talk to you about his duties. Your doctor will come visit just before surgery usually with a magic marker and mark the spot, verifying with you which breast, etc., asking you questions which make you wonder if he knows what he is doing. But actually, he wants to be sure you know what he is going to do and it verifies where. When you are having some reconstructive work done it is almost fun to watch the Plastic surgeons with their magic markers. My daughter's PS actually drew on the bed sheets she told me................ I couldn't believe the hospital would let him do that, but he did. After these visits they will give you something to make you drowsy to prepare you to go to the operating room. Your surgery should be pretty simple, so you will probably not have much anesthesia, but since no one is explaining and you seem to want to know the answsers, I thought I would explain.

So now you have eleven days more to wait.................... we are here to keep you company. Waiting is so much fun.

Hugs MK


Nature's Spirit
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Date Joined Aug 2004
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 1/23/2005 10:52 AM (GMT -7)   
OH THANK YOU! The last surgeries I've had were I guess ~all~ wow come to think of it yes ALL were emergency related... I didn't know they go through that much when it's a scheduled one..

It's making so much sense right now, I can't tell you enough how grateful I am that you shared with me... unfortunately even though that doctor did his best at explaining things, it was done in under 30 mins before his next patient..

Wouldn't it be nice to have a doctor actually spend the time he needs or the patient needs to be completely thorough? Not the usual 15 min visit or in extreme cases 30 mins visits?? The nurse did write down her number on a card and told me to call if I had any questions, but that day I went in there was soooooo many people in worse situations than me that had been waiting a long time past their appts.. It makes me sad, to think first off there is so many people that need help, second that they have a such a small amount of time to give to those people :(


There are two days in the week about which and upon which I never worry.  Two carefree days, kept sacredly free from fear and apprehension.  One of these days is Yesterday... And the other day I do not worry about is Tommorrow.  
~Robert Jones Burdette


Tamaralynn59
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2004
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 1/25/2005 2:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Nature's Spirit
It's ok to cry in front of anyone, especially family. Don't try to be superwoman. Also, you can rant and rave here and we've all been there. I'm fairly new to this. I just had surgery three weeks ago. A lumpectomy and two lymph nodes removed. They got all the cancer, I do have to go thru chemo, but my prognosis is good. So even if it is malignant, it's not the end of the world. Waiting is the hardest part, but it gets easier once you know, even if it is bad. Then you at least know what you are dealing with and things will start happening and they will take care of the problem and you'll be on your way to being cancer free!!! Hugs and prayers
Tamaralynn


momtofour
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 1/25/2005 6:28 AM (GMT -7)   

I'm waiting right along with you. I have suspicious calcifications that have increased over the last 3 months and a very strong family history. I've also been having pain in that same breast and under my arms, which just started about a month ago. That really is freaking me out.

Friday at 7:00 I go to the hospital and 9:00 is my biopsy surgery. I'm so nervous and just want it over with. Good luck to you, too, I'll be thinking of you.


gma
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 2921
   Posted 1/25/2005 9:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Tamaralynn, your post really hits the nail on the head. Once you learn what you are dealing with, the fight begins and it does get easier because you know the enemy and are defending yourself.

Not to minimize any pain you feel, Momtofour, but sometimes knowing there is something going on can cause you to feel pain. When I found my first lump it was not really bothering me at all, but once the dr confirmed it was there until the time I had it removed, it hurt like crazy. I hope that is the case with you, too. My lump was benign.

Hugs MK


Nature's Spirit
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Date Joined Aug 2004
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 1/25/2005 6:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Tamaralynn59 said...
Nature's Spirit
It's ok to cry in front of anyone, especially family. Don't try to be superwoman. Also, you can rant and rave here and we've all been there. I'm fairly new to this. I just had surgery three weeks ago. A lumpectomy and two lymph nodes removed. They got all the cancer, I do have to go thru chemo, but my prognosis is good. So even if it is malignant, it's not the end of the world. Waiting is the hardest part, but it gets easier once you know, even if it is bad. Then you at least know what you are dealing with and things will start happening and they will take care of the problem and you'll be on your way to being cancer free!!! Hugs and prayers

Ya know, I try!  I have to though, even though I have my ma around that's about it.. Sooo I'm tryin to keep sane infront of my kids, they seen me cry enough when I had my surgeries from dealin with crohn's and this is just another thing I gotta try to overcome.. These last couple of days tho~ I'm either numb or just putting the 31st off my mind completely whichever it is, it's helpin! well kinda......
 
Can I ask you somethin tho? anyone of you? I've caught myself just yakkin with my kids, saying stuff.. like cant wait till summer gets here, so we can go campin, swimming etc and then immediately I get this thought... what if I'm not here? or worse I am and in chemo..  It's like reality just hits me outta the blue about how important life really is and I get choked up!!  Then it's like another switch goes off in my head, and I count my blessings for the time I have now and that I'm embarrassed of how I've spent my life, is this part of the trauma of being told you are being checked to find out if you have cancer? Or is this just a stage in life, as you get older and realize how quik life can be stripped away....
 
I understand that it's not a death sentence, well only god knows for sure but.. Is it normal to have these thoughts go in and out of your head?  YOUR RIGHT I think the worst part is not knowing!!! When I think of cancer, immediately I remember back to when my dad was alive and I watched it ~"C"~ take him slowly over 3 years.. I don't want my kids to watch me go through that if it is.. UGH... ugh ugh ugh...
 
There are two days in the week about which and upon which I never worry.  Two carefree days, kept sacredly free from fear and apprehension.  One of these days is Yesterday... And the other day I do not worry about is Tommorrow.  
~Robert Jones Burdette


Nature's Spirit
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Date Joined Aug 2004
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 1/25/2005 6:55 PM (GMT -7)   
gma said...
Tamaralynn, your post really hits the nail on the head. Once you learn what you are dealing with, the fight begins and it does get easier because you know the enemy and are defending yourself.

Not to minimize any pain you feel, Momtofour, but sometimes knowing there is something going on can cause you to feel pain. When I found my first lump it was not really bothering me at all, but once the dr confirmed it was there until the time I had it removed, it hurt like crazy. I hope that is the case with you, too. My lump was benign.

Hugs MK

I wonder too about that MK, this past week since the catscan.. I can feel the lump more than before.. and OMG the intense itching around my nipple, it's driving me crazy and it wasnt this bad 2 wks ago! At nite I am more aware it's there and toss/turn till I get comfy as if I'm tryin to protect myself... It's always hurt though, thats the reason I went in 2 years ago, they kept on testing me for pregnancy because of how swollen and how much they ached (both) all the way up into my armpits ouchhhhhhhh.. so that hasnt changed =\ 
There are two days in the week about which and upon which I never worry.  Two carefree days, kept sacredly free from fear and apprehension.  One of these days is Yesterday... And the other day I do not worry about is Tommorrow.  
~Robert Jones Burdette


gma
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Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 2921
   Posted 1/25/2005 8:01 PM (GMT -7)   
OK now wait a minute, that stuff about not being here this summer you can just cancel. Breast cancer does not work that fast even the most aggressive kind. Hey, look, you could cross the street and get hit by a truck and not be here this summer, isn't that a fact? So quit worrying about that. We have women here who are twenty years out from diagnosis and several at ten, nine eight..............and on. So just drop the dying part. Remember I told you not to worry about things until you know what you have to worry about????? So if you are doing chemo, so what? You have chemo for a few hours once every three weeks. Sure you could feel lousey for a few days, but some only feel lousey for a few hours, but not the whole three weeks. So I think you can get in some camping and other activities with the kids. It is good you are planning on it, keep your life as normal as possible. Deal with things one day at a time as they come, don't get all worked up over something that might not happen. OK? Sure women do have very aggressive breast cancer and lose the battle, but the percentage is minimal. So just relax and rest until it is time..................please. Hugs MK


Cindy802
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2004
Total Posts : 70
   Posted 1/25/2005 8:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Hon, you will never be alone. We all know exactly what you are going through. We have all been where you are, right now. We understand your fear. Your post broke my heart. Take a deep breath and calm yourself. The biopsy may not turn out to be cancer...but if it is...cancer does not necessarily mean that is going to be the end of your life. They have so many meds they can treat you with. Many women with breast cancer go on to raise their kids and have good, productive lives, for many years. You will too. Sending you giant (((((((hugs)))))), thoughts and prayers for the very best outcome with your biopsy. Please let us know how you are. Blessings.

Breast cancer has become an epidemic. After all of the these years and billions of dollars donated for research...WHERE IS THE CURE???

Nature's Spirit
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2004
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 1/25/2005 11:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Didn't mean to sound soo pessymistic, it's just a few thoughts here and there during the day, wondering if that's normal..
I guess I am gettin more nervous bout the surgery, and not knowing a thing about breast cancer~well I guess I've heard the worst cases it seems like everyone loves to share the horror stories and rarely ever tell of the positive side so thank you MK & Cindy.. I'm tryin my best =}

Even though it hurts.. I keep wondering maybe I should just did the biopsy first when I had the chance because it would be over with by now, I'd know..
At the sametime I'm wondering what it'll be like not feelin that lump no more.. kinda almost excited it's been hidin in the back of my head for the past 2 yrs wondering what it is..
There are two days in the week about which and upon which I never worry.  Two carefree days, kept sacredly free from fear and apprehension.  One of these days is Yesterday... And the other day I do not worry about is Tommorrow.  
~Robert Jones Burdette


momtofour
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 1/26/2005 6:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Nature's Spirit, I am right there with you! The dark thoughts that crowd in day and night....I'm trying to hang in there, same as you. Just know that I'm thinking of you...
 
MK, you know, I was thinking the same thing, that maybe because I'm scared it's hurting more? I can only hope so! Time will tell, I guess. Only 2 more days until my biopsy, yikes! I've never looked forward to yet dreaded something all at the same time.

gma
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 2921
   Posted 1/26/2005 6:39 AM (GMT -7)   
LOL Yes, girls, we have all been there. Looking forward to the tests or treatments, yet dreading them at the same time. You will both do fine. Just please keep the very negative thoughts at bay, really you are worrying yourself needlessly at this point. Hugs Mk

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