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Nature's Spirit
Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2004
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 1/27/2005 2:53 PM (GMT -6)   
I don't know how you women can hold up and bring so much faith and inspiration to all those who are inflicted with this *$^%* !!!
I am crying so hard right now I can barely type this.. I don't think I have ever cried this hard in my entire life.. I am screaming inside and out .. I HATE this.. I so hate this!!! We, ~US women are supposed to be strong and are expected to pull ourselves together and remain calm through this?? NO! no more, not today! When I got dx'd with crohn's and was told I needed surgery/and a blood transfusion or I was gonna die.. I felt soo embarrassed because of the fear, and felt so ashamed because I look around the hospital on the surgery floor and seen so many people fighting for their lives~ some so severe, some not..and I was afraid.. 
I was alone in the hospital and had to rely on the medical staff and have faith that they were goin to help me live.. I was so stubborn that it nearly killed me, but somehow I manage to survive that and a week later had to have another surgery.. survived that too! I have been cut open on my stomach 4x prior to those surgeries and I have NO idea how I made it through those, well yes I do...I had my ex-husband by my side and my children there to support me, when I got dx'd w/crohn's my husband filed ... Maybe it was the financial issues or the fact that he had no control over this disease or worse our love wasn't as strong as we both had thought or I pushed him away~ A question I'll never know the answer to..
I wasn't handling the news (crohns) at all, infact I denied I had it even after I was told a second time and the crush of the stress I had going on around me I think was worse than the illness.. the divorce, child custody battle.. no income`and fear of what I was gonna do with all these medical bills... *I can't even shed a tear now, anger has taken over*
Anyway this all happened within the past year and 1/2.. I asked the doctor when I first found the lump 2yrs ago (by ultrasound) to do a biopsy and she said it was nothing to worry about.. I put my tail between my legs and accepted that answer and tried to put it outta my mind, last year I started to have pain/tenderness and extreme itching so I went back again, she said 'nothin to worry about' Its good that its causing pain thats a sign it's not cancer you usually don't even know it's there..She didn't even order a mammogram It bothered me, in the back of my mind I kept questioning why doesn't she just check so at least if it isn't I can rest at night or at least be able to even wash myself without it triggering "what if" when I felt it.. All I kept hearin is most tumors found in young women are 80% b9, and that well I guess helped me IGNORE IT...
Now 2 wks ago, after having pain on the right side of my chest .. I went in to get it check after the nurse tells me on the phone " you need to go to the hospital, now! to make sure it's not a blodclot in the lung from all the surgeries.. IM thinkin????? What in the world, a blodclot??  I mean really she coulda been a bit more tactful and calm.. instead of hysterically making me hysterical!! Sometimes I wish I woulda taken nursing, you don't frighten the patient~with the worst scenerio possible!! Better yet don't say anything at all!!
So I tell my doctor while I am there, that my lump feels like it's gotten bigger, or it's moved but it hurts too.. So she says "well I can order an ultrasound too, along with the chest xray and I'll call you when I get the results" 
Ok I can deal with that, fair enough.. Im not really concerned at this point just want to be able to breathe without pain, gotta pick up the kids from school..etc
I get a call, first thing in the morning from the doctor.. sayin chest xray looks good no blodclots but your ultrasound shows your 'lump' has gotten bigger and needs to be evaluated immediately, I didn't know immediately meant later in the day!! So now, ok.. they are movin pretty fast.. about time they give a little concern to this matter, reality didn't really set in I guess..
I am getting the "talk" by the PN in the little waiting room they put you in for xrays etc.. my mom's with me and we go back, radiologist comes in and looks on the ultrasound one more time.. asks me if it hurts I said "YES" so he says I'm gonna refer you to your surgeon might as well take it out, no sense in doing the biopsy..
I don't know a thing other than what the surgeon told me, nurse hands me a card and tells me to page her writes her beeper no# down on it and out I went.. I just looked down on the card today a week later and she is a nurse from the Breast Center, not my surgeon's nurse..that makes sense  eyes
Ladies, I've never really stood my ground and asked questions.. I trusted them to know what they were doing even past my better judgement and/or I never wanted to know the answers because I was scared of what they would say.. But they gave me very vague answers so far.. and I think it's time I "beep" her! I can't afford to keep worring about this as much as I am now..It's getting worse as the 31st approaches and it'll wreak havoc on my crohns if I just sit here and do nothing..
My heart flooded with prayers today for all of you courageously fighting breast cancer.. My tears today were not only shed for my selfishness and unbelieveable fear but for all the stories of what each and everyone of you are going through..
I am pullin myself together, and really going to try my $*&!@&^ to stop the self pity thing and help other women who are frightened like myself and give what I can to support them .. Whether or not there is a dx next week I am stronger than this.. just gotta find it again!  
There are two days in the week about which and upon which I never worry.  Two carefree days, kept sacredly free from fear and apprehension.  One of these days is Yesterday... And the other day I do not worry about is Tommorrow.  
~Robert Jones Burdette

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 2921
   Posted 1/27/2005 3:06 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey, she gave you her number so you could call her, so call!!!! Don't sit there and fuss and worry yourself to a frenzy because as you say, it does not do the Crohn's any good. Life can be so unfair sometimes, we all know that, but there is nothing we can do to make it fair. We just need to work it out and go with the flow. The waiting is the worst, believe me. One thing you will learn around here is to be an advocate for yourself. Speak up!!! Ask questions, don't take any guff from anyone. Did you read Luci's post about leaving the doctor's office after two hours and telling them she doesn't allot any more than two hours wait? I loved it. I am so much more aggressive today than I used to be. I was a doormat, but I am no longer. Now come on, pull it together, think about ghost stories and standing outside in Montana in the middle of winter in the middle of the night with no warm clothing and laugh. I am sorry about the husband deal, but you know what, he is not the first to put his tail between his legs and run when the woman he is supposed to love and honor and take care of in sickness and health needs him. You just got that part over so you don't have to deal with it now. And as I told you before, I would rather have a low grade breast cancer than deal with Crohns, and you have already been fighting that battle. Hang in there and before the kids come home, get in a place where no one can hear you and scream good and loud and get it all out. LOL. Hugs, MK

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 1106
   Posted 1/27/2005 4:03 PM (GMT -6)   
I agree with MK, make that call! That is why she gave you the card. And the scream might help you too! This waiting is the PITS I know, but unfortunately, it comes with most medical testing. My mind was in a whirlwind when I was dx. On my way home from the Dr after being told, I barely held it together till I got home. I wish I would have had someone with me, but I don't think I really expected to hear bad news. I wish I had found this board sooner, also. So many questions, but with the help of my daughter and my best friend in CA, we researched A LOT and learned so much! Knowledge really helped me to cope.
We will all be with you on the 31st, so warn the Dr to wear earplugs! We can get pretty noisy! And watch out for pink feathers floating around!
I have you in my prayers for strength and peace. Also a B-9 chant going on here!! Hang in there sweetie, you have many holding your hand. L&H, Gail
 It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth -- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.   Elisabeth Kubler Ross

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 1294
   Posted 1/27/2005 4:48 PM (GMT -6)   

You can find that strength.  It is right there, just beneath the surface.  You are allowing your fear to cover it.  Let us on the board be afraid for you so that you can pull it together.  Call the nurse ask her questions.  My breast care nurse was wonderful and to this day I count her as a friend.  She is at the testing site where I have my mammo's.  It will be good to see her in March, give her a big hug, and thank her for her knowledge, support and just plain old friendship one more time.

I am B-9 chanting and will be through Monday.  I will be there in spirit holding the hand Gail doesn't have a hold of.  I will pray for you asking for peace and strength.  Like Gail inferred KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.  The knowledge is right there, start with the nurse.  It will help erase your fears.  Truly it will.

I know where I stand with my B/C, but my diabetes is another issue all on its own.  I know that the diabetes will probably take me faster than the breast cancer and the doc gives me lots of time if I keep my sugar levels down, so remember we all have many things going on in our bodies, not just the beast and we all eventually come to grips with all the juggling we must do.  You are already on the right juggling path.  Hang in there.



Many Blessings for the New Year



Life may not be the party

 we hoped for,

but while we are here we might as

well dance.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2003
Total Posts : 1373
   Posted 1/27/2005 6:32 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm B-9 chanting, too.  I always thought a biopsy is a good idea if they have the piece, take a look, you know?  "no need to do a biopsy" sounds a little lax to me.  I'd beep and start pushing the biopsy.  Listen to the women here that have been really "assertive" with the medical profession.  (Jo-ann comes to mind)  Biopsies get the straight poop.  You'd get an answer. 
OK, You've been through enough, enough already.  Take the bull by the horns and get the answers.  it's easy to be victimized by it all if you stop and think about it.  If I had stopped and thought about what I was going through, I wouldn't have made any accomplishments these past fifteen years.  Channel that anger and frustration and turn it into fiestiness.  Do it up!!!!!
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." -Confucius


Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 2272
   Posted 1/27/2005 7:05 PM (GMT -6)   
I think I understand about not doing the biopsy....if they already know it needs to come out, why put you through an extra painful procedure? Mine was the same way...they knew from the ultrasound that it was not a cyst, and even if it was benign, she said it had to come out. So the surgery was scheduled for the next week.

The days of waiting and not knowing are definitely scary, no doubt. Your mind assumes the worst and wanders and makes it even more frightening. Try to stay busy and focus one day at a time. Worrying will not change the outcome, so try to focus on something else...

As for strength, well you find it in places where you don't think you can. It just comes, and you learn to cope. Knowing what you are fighting is empowering, whereas you are currently in the "wait and see" is not easy.

Hang in there-

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