I don't know how you women can hold up and bring so much faith and inspiration to all those who are inflicted with this *$^%* !!!
I am crying so hard right now I can barely type this.. I don't think I have ever cried this hard in my entire life.. I am screaming inside and out .. I HATE this.. I so hate this!!! We, ~US women are supposed to be strong and are expected to pull ourselves together and remain calm through this?? NO! no more, not today! When I got dx'd with crohn's and was told I needed surgery/and a blood transfusion or I was gonna die.. I felt soo embarrassed because of the fear, and felt so ashamed because I look around the hospital on the surgery floor and seen so many people fighting for their lives~ some so severe, some not..and I was afraid..
I was alone in the hospital and had to rely on the medical staff and have faith that they were goin to help me live.. I was so stubborn that it nearly killed me, but somehow I manage to survive that and a week later had to have another surgery.. survived that too! I have been cut open on my stomach 4x prior to those surgeries and I have NO idea how I made it through those, well yes I do...I had my ex-husband by my side and my children there to support me, when I got dx'd w/crohn's my husband filed ... Maybe it was the financial issues or the fact that he had no control over this disease or worse our love wasn't as strong as we both had thought or I pushed him away~ A question I'll never know the answer to..
I wasn't handling the news (crohns) at all, infact I denied I had it even after I was told a second time and the crush of the stress I had going on around me I think was worse than the illness.. the divorce, child custody battle.. no income`and fear of what I was gonna do with all these medical bills... *I can't even shed a tear now, anger has taken over*
Anyway this all happened within the past year and 1/2.. I asked the doctor when I first found the lump 2yrs ago (by ultrasound) to do a biopsy and she said it was nothing to worry about.. I put my tail between my legs and accepted that answer and tried to put it outta my mind, last year I started to have pain/tenderness and extreme itching so I went back again, she said 'nothin to worry about' Its good that its causing pain thats a sign it's not cancer you usually don't even know it's there..She didn't even order a mammogram It bothered me, in the back of my mind I kept questioning why doesn't she just check so at least if it isn't I can rest at night or at least be able to even wash myself without it triggering "what if" when I felt it.. All I kept hearin is most tumors found in young women are 80% b9, and that well I guess helped me IGNORE IT...
Now 2 wks ago, after having pain on the right side of my chest .. I went in to get it check after the nurse tells me on the phone " you need to go to the hospital, now! to make sure it's not a blodclot in the lung from all the surgeries.. IM thinkin????? What in the world, a blodclot?? I mean really she coulda been a bit more tactful and calm.. instead of hysterically making me hysterical!! Sometimes I wish I woulda taken nursing, you don't frighten the patient~with the worst scenerio possible!! Better yet don't say anything at all!!
So I tell my doctor while I am there, that my lump feels like it's gotten bigger, or it's moved but it hurts too.. So she says "well I can order an ultrasound too, along with the chest xray and I'll call you when I get the results"
Ok I can deal with that, fair enough.. Im not really concerned at this point just want to be able to breathe without pain, gotta pick up the kids from school..etc
I get a call, first thing in the morning from the doctor.. sayin chest xray looks good no blodclots but your ultrasound shows your 'lump' has gotten bigger and needs to be evaluated immediately, I didn't know immediately meant later in the day!! So now, ok.. they are movin pretty fast.. about time they give a little concern to this matter, reality didn't really set in I guess..
I am getting the "talk" by the PN in the little waiting room they put you in for xrays etc.. my mom's with me and we go back, radiologist comes in and looks on the ultrasound one more time.. asks me if it hurts I said "YES" so he says I'm gonna refer you to your surgeon might as well take it out, no sense in doing the biopsy..
I don't know a thing other than what the surgeon told me, nurse hands me a card and tells me to page her writes her beeper no# down on it and out I went.. I just looked down on the card today a week later and she is a nurse from the Breast Center, not my surgeon's nurse..that makes sense
Ladies, I've never really stood my ground and asked questions.. I trusted them to know what they were doing even past my better judgement and/or I never wanted to know the answers because I was scared of what they would say.. But they gave me very vague answers so far.. and I think it's time I "beep" her! I can't afford to keep worring about this as much as I am now..It's getting worse as the 31st approaches and it'll wreak havoc on my crohns if I just sit here and do nothing..
My heart flooded with prayers today for all of you courageously fighting breast cancer.. My tears today were not only shed for my selfishness and unbelieveable fear but for all the stories of what each and everyone of you are going through..
I am pullin myself together, and really going to try my $*&!@&^ to stop the self pity thing and help other women who are frightened like myself and give what I can to support them .. Whether or not there is a dx next week I am stronger than this.. just gotta find it again!
There are two days in the week about which and upon which I never worry. Two carefree days, kept sacredly free from fear and apprehension. One of these days is Yesterday... And the other day I do not worry about is Tommorrow.
~Robert Jones Burdette