I know I haven't posted much in a while. This post will be more or less and update. I've been having a lot of self pity parties. I had the flu or something 3 weeks ago. I feel like I may be getting a cold again The right side of my throat has been sore since Friday along with the back of my tongue hurting that when I was trying to eat Friday night I was crying at the same time everytime I swallowed. It would also reach up into my ear. It's a little better today.
There's not a week that goes by that I just wish I was dead. I'm tired of the crappy feeling in my mouth, the corners of my mouth being so sore that I can't hardly open my mouth to eat, even though I am putting vaseline or Burt's Bee's lip treatment on it, my stomach hurting. My last chemo (11/17) I was feeling sick when I left the place which has not happened before. Does it get a little worse with each chemo? My thighs have been kind of sore like someone who has been exercising (which I haven't), my right ankle swells sometimes and I don't know why. Yesterday I noticed that a couple of my fingers felt kind of numb on the ends. When I think about being hooked up to this bags getting my cocktail it almost makes me puke. I have not been handling any of this very well. I go for a mammo on Wednesday just for the diseased side. I've been feeling a little pain in that breast for some reason. And I can't help but think all the time that this is going to come back. Yes, I'm very negative and I'm sorry. I have 2 more chemos to go, 12/8 & 12/29. Who knows what will be in store for me after that. I barely feel better then I have to go for another chemo. I have been missing at least 2 days from work each time so I have had to borrow money from my boyfriend. Yes borrow, he doesn't give away crap! My mom let me use her charge card to buy some meds when I had the flu and I told her I would pay it, but she has paid most of it. I am grateful but I don't expect my mom to pay my way at 47 years old. I'm not a religious person so I don't pray for a cure or to get better. I just get angry all the time and just want this all to be over with. Other people say they pray for me.
I believe I can say, that if this happens to me again in a few years that I will not go through this again. I'll just let it take me. I feel like I'm always being punished for something. I'll do my mammo's every 6 months for the next 2 years and take whatever meds I have to take. I've just had it with this disease. I can't even look at myself in the mirror without having my head covered. I don't want to see myself bald. I hate wearing my wig, some days it feels tighter than others. I'm always tugging at the back of it, but I refuse to go out of the house without it.
Told you I have been have self pity parties. Thanks for listening. You ladies are a great bunch.
Hugs to all of you