Dear, dear Ellen, No one except someone who has had to make a similar decision can know what you're feeling. Even then, it's not exactly the same.
It seems to me that when you were struggling with the situation that you had a very clear grasp of the ramifications of a decision made either way. Of course, cold logic is w/out feeling and it's easy to hide behind.
Ellen, you know that I always refer to BC as "the gift that keeps on giving." Your year is a typical example of the pain, anxiety and oftentimes second-guessing this wretched disease places in our hearts and on our shoulders.
The pain will lessen with the passage of time as all pain surely does. Every time your Matthew does something especially wonderful and you are there to witness it, congratulate yourself for your bravery and your heroism. You had a difficult, difficult decision to make. You could have done nothing, but you didn't and that my friend, takes a lot of courage.
IMHO, we're all heroes on this board, but sometimes there is more demanded from some of us than we'd like. This was your year, Ellen. Give it a wave goodbye and look forward to 2006. I'm honored to be a tiny part of your life and to know that lots of what gets said and discussed here helps each one of us.
Keep strong, look forward to living the life you've chosen for yourself and your family in spite of this disease.
Hugs from here, more later....Luci
In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer. Albert Camus