Just clutter: mammogram humor

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Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2003
Total Posts : 257
   Posted 2/13/2006 10:01 AM (GMT -6)   
OK, it's a long one but worth the payoff at the end:


I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennn slip on this gown. Everything clearrrr?

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?'

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!

"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be rightttt backkk."

Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraaordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."

"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry!" The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps....

Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2003
Total Posts : 1373
   Posted 2/13/2006 3:38 PM (GMT -6)   
Oh, Erin, this is too wierd.  I was just talking to a female patient who is afraid of Mammograms and I thought of that (you had sent it to me in an email a few months ago and I never forgot it).  I wished I had had it copied down somewhere, now I can.  That's so wierd......Just an hour ago, it came into my mind and then, here it is!
What do they call that?
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." -Confucius


Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 1294
   Posted 2/15/2006 8:15 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Erin, I too have read this before and was glad and I am again that we can find humor in this very not funny procedure.


Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: if one falls down, his friend can help him up.  Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 829
   Posted 2/15/2006 5:11 PM (GMT -6)   
It's been six years since I could have even a mimmigram (1/2 of a mammogram), and I haven't missed even one of the many pains inherent to the beast. I don't know about putting her head in a vise but I probably would have just pleaded no contest to the murder charges.

And, Ms Erin, just where have you been?

Love, Jo-Ann
A good friend will bail you out of jail...
but a true friend will be sitting
next to you saying,
"Dâmn... that was fun!".

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