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I can really feel you suffering & feelings in your post and it pulls at my heart. I also suffer everyday from CFS/FM. I had to quit working after 19 years for the govt. because I was just to sick and it was killing me trying to work 10 hour days. My 50 year old husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer last May and had surgery in July. We are still trying to get over and cope with the lingering effects of that. I am 48 years old. I live with the pain and fatigue and mental effects of these diseases every day and it is not fun. Its horrible to say the least and most people do not understand. I try not to complain because it doesn't help me and there is nothing to be done anyway except to try and treat the symptoms. I was diagnosed in 1996 - 10 years ago. My son was 10 at the time. It does affect your ability to raise your children as far as playing ball with them and taking them places and things like that. I turned into a spectator and yes remember crying my eyes out sometimes because I felt cheated out of these things.
I believe in the evolution theory for several reasons but mostly because it just makes more sense to me. I can not believe a "GOD" would allow such suffering as goes on in this wicked world. Innocent children being abused and murdered. People starving, people killing people by the thousands and millions in the name of GOD., I can't think much of a god who would allow these kinds of things to take place no matter what the reason. Thats just my opinion and I respect the right of others to believe differently as they see fit, to each their own.
As far as having the will to go on...it can be hard. For me, I think of other people who are even worse off. Like people who are paralized. People starving who have no homes. People like my mother who enjoyed living every minute of every day and would give anything to be alive and still enjoying life. I feel to guilty feeling sorry for myself when I know that she and my only sister would love to be here still, even though she was diabetic, on dialisys three times a week, had glaucomo and had a below the knee amputation. I guess what keeps me going, is I feel like I'm living for them. Even though my life is not of much quality, it is a life and I do have moments of joy and I try to make the most of them to carry me through the rough times.
Orion, I know how hard it can be and I also get depressed, really depressed sometimes. How can we not? It is hard to live in pain every day and not get down sometimes. I guess that after dealing with this for over 10 years, I have learned that we have ups and downs. You just have to hang in there during the "down" times. You have to learn to get pleasure from the littlest things. It sounds like things have just stacked up on you at the moment and with good reason. I know when your facing a potential diagnoses of cancer how scary and intimidating and overwhelming that can be. It takes a while to learn to deal with these diseases and I think we go through the common grief stages (denial, anger, depression and finally acceptance), because we have lost are fun, carefree, and healthy way of life.
Lastly, the hope that the medical field will find an answer soon or at least better treatment.
Sending you thoughts of love and wellness and warm rays of sunshine! Also hope for your wife that all will be well.
Post Edited (Tru) : 1/31/2007 12:31:15 PM (GMT-7)
I am sorry I didn't see your post earlier. I don't have the answers about God. I'm not a believer myself and never have been.
I wish I had the answer as to how to go on. For me, somedays it is minutes at a time, until the day is over. I too am in diagnosis limboland, but for me it isn't CFS but whether or not my cancer is back, or it is MS or ???
Regardless of which conditions we are dealing with, the pain and frustration is basically the same. Added to yours is the fear for your wife's health as well. I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer with metastases to the lymph nodes 12/29/05. I started chemo in January, had surgery in July, finished radiation in November, and hopefully I am still cancer free. I am currently undergoing scans to be sure.
Breast cancer is no walk in the park, but you can get through it with your wife. The worst part is the waiting and wondering. Once you have the diagnosis, you begin to look at the treatment options and feel in control again as you decide which options are right for you. The same can work for your symptoms.
Most days now I am unable to go out, the tremors, weakness and dizziness make it difficult to plan. So on my last good day, I stocked up on supplies, for the bad days. Now on the days I can't go out, I can still make hats for chemo patients, or work on next year's Christmas presents, or write....
What do you enjoy doing that you can adapt to do now with your current limitations? Perhaps reading.....or finally beating that video game you felt guilty playing when you were 100%.
I wish I knew how to give you hope. For me, it is learning new ways to do the old things, so I have some sense of familiarity with my life. I don't know your insurance situation, but is it possible to see a different doctor, who may have different ideas as to which direction to take in testing?
I just wanted to let you know that you have many "faceless friends" all around the world who DO have hope for you and believe in you. Perhaps we need to have that hope and belief in you to carry you until you find it again in yourself.
Wishing you and your wife the very best,
P.S. If your wife has questions or needs to vent, my email is available in my profile and I would be more than happy to correspond with either or both of you.