Another humiliating public meltdown

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pasara
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 206
   Posted 2/2/2007 6:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Today I had my water exercise class at the Y. I do this very toned down water exercise class offered by the arthritis association and designed for people with arthritis or similar problems. It has been perfect for me, and I do in lieu of pool therapy my doctor prescribed because a lot less expensive and more convenient.

ANYWAY ...

so I went to my class today and was feeling pretty good, even more smiling and friendly, less shy, so that it was noticeable to the others there who were kind of teasing me about it in a friendly way. Then about 5 minutes into the class it was as if -- well, you know in science fiction movies when the power on the spacecraft suddenly goes out, how there is this sound effect they always use, like descending tone 'nyuuurrr..." , and the flashing lights and buttons on the control panel no longer work... yeah, Well, anyway, there wasn't actually that sound, but it was sort of a similar situation. Almost all my energy failed me in less than a minute. I thought it would pass, and just sort of stood there and rested, but it got worse, and then anxiety set in. It took everything to hold back the tears. Everyone was watching me, concerned, asking if they could help. I was so embarrassed. I wanted my husband so badly to come rescue me, but he wasn't due back to get me for another 45 minutes. I had to get out of there, which still meant I had to get out of the warm water pool, walk the length of the regular pool and through the maze of the showers and locker rooms before I could even get to my cell phone to call him. Everybody I passed was looking at me, asking me if I needed help, etc. They were well-meaning, and actually I did need help, but I was too embarrassed and panicky to deal with it.

It was so upsetting on so many levels. One, I hate having people see me and you can see on their faces how bad I look, like I'm dying or something. It's embarrassing and humiliating. Two, I just don't understand the sudden, no warning drop of energy. Usually if I don't see the warnings at the time, I can look back later and see what I had missed or been ignoring. Not this time. I did have a little bit of a busier week, but I had slept well and hadn't been particularly worn out or felt I had really pushed or overdone it except for on Wednesday maybe a little. But Thursday I had stayed home all day. It doesn't make sense. Maybe I am trying to make sense where there is none.

Now also, when I go back I will be embarrassed again, because I know people will ask if I'm better, how am I? etc, and will kind of be "watching me" if you know what I mean. This is very hard on me and my sense of self, how I see myself and want to be seen by others.

And lastly, each setback like this is so discouraging. Makes me afraid I guess, worried that things will never change, that my whole life will be this, and that is something I don't want to believe.

hippimom2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 5403
   Posted 2/2/2007 7:01 PM (GMT -7)   
pasara, I'm sorry this happened. It's terrible to be somewhere and want so badly to get out of there. I know you were embarrassed, but it sounds like you handled it well, considering how suddenly it all came on.

I don't know why that stuff happens either, but it stinks when it comes out of nowhere and hits you like a ton of bricks. It sounds like you have caring people in your water class, so my guess is that they are not judging you at all, they are probably just concerned and will be glad to see you back.

I hope that extreme fatigue passes quickly. I was wondering if you would e-mail me about something. Thanks


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Post Edited (hippimom2) : 2/3/2007 5:47:30 PM (GMT-7)


MsKittie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 789
   Posted 2/2/2007 9:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello pasara
 
Honey I'm so sorry this happened to you. Remember these people in your swimming class are just like all of us here. The only differance is you can't see our faces. Please don't let this keep you away from the *Y* these swimmers I'm sure are worried about you. Please keep us posted hun
(((HUGS)))
   MsKittie
 
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I have an illness, My illness don't have me.
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Being happy doesnt mean everything's perfect.It means you've decided to see beyound the imperfrctions!God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but HE did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears & light for the way                                        

 

 


bee33
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 2/3/2007 5:52 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm sorry that happened, and I feel for you. I can understand your embarrassment, but I'm sure you know you did nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of.

If it's any consolation, when I have a meltdown I usually go off on people and start yelling at them. When I have no reserve of strength left I find it very hard to keep an even keel or to find the patience to deal with people well and fairly. At least you didn't do that. :)

pasara
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 206
   Posted 2/4/2007 1:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks everyone. I know that my classmates are not judging me, but are just concerned and wanting to help. Still it is, like I said, my own self-image that is the problem. I have always been a very independent, powerhouse type person, so being so dependent and vulnerable is really hard for me. In my psyche is this voice that tells me it is a sign of "weakness" and shameful, even though I do not feel that way when it has to do with others. My therapist trying to help me with this. Rest assured, MsKittie, it is not something that would keep me from going back to class though.

Sunday now and still very low. Haven't seemed to recover yet.
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