i've always been a loner - both by choice and by situations. i haven't had more than a half dozen friends since i got out of high school in 1964. i know that i'm an odd duck and have fairly severe emotional problems. besides, i have a peculiar sense of humor and make references to things that almost nobody knows anything about (or even cares about). yesterday my wife and i went to an oncology open house at a hospital. something happened (i don't remember what exactly) and i said, "with all my imperfections on my head!" anyone want to guess? Hamlet, Act 1, scene 3(?) or maybe 4, the ghost of Hamlet's father on the parapets of the castle. or in a thread earlier this month, i referred to "frack" from Battlestar Galactica. WHY DO I REMEMBER THIS CR*P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i spent much of my career in "public" - i.e. in groups that knew each other by reputation. there weren't that many people in the UK when i was there who could build a system that would work for fighting WW III when the UK is a nuclear wasteland. but i did. it was just part of who and what i was back then. there never were more than 30 to 50 people in this group. i was accepted because of what experience and knowledge i brought with me and was respected for that. friends? not really. colleagues? yes. reminds me of an episode on House. . . . but that's another story.
once i was bar mitzvah and confirmed (when i was 18) i seldom ever went near a temple or schul. i spent as much time in churches with girl friends and, later, my wife. i take my religion seriously even though i don't even say kaddish (the prayer for the dead) for my parents. and there's not anyone to say kaddish for me. i offered to teach it to my step-daughter, but she said she'd only be able to do it in english. so when i die, i die. as the old rabbi's said, "the departed still live amongst us in the love that they expressed and in the kindness that they showed. my name, my eternity, will die with me. friends? h*ll, i'm being cremated because thee aren't enough people for pall bearers or to make a minion to say kaddish.
sometimes i get so lonely i could cry (reference to C&W song). for my birth family i was the "sacrificial lamb" to be blamed for all of the family's problems which gave all of them permission to abuse me however they wanted. why don't i become a christian and accept the right hand of fellowship that they would offer? because, please excuse me for saying this, but christianity doesn't make sense to me. in Judaism, it is actions that matter. in christianity it is belief. if hitler would become a born again christian he would go to heaven? i think not. every molecule in every cell of my body rejects that belief. if i stepped on any one's toes, please remember that this thread is about being alone, with religion and churches being a side issue. i am expressing a personal opinion, nothing more, and would gladly give my life defending your right to disagree with my belief.
i have reached out to people in the past, but have always been rejected. i was the Worshipful Master of my Masonic Lodge in Texas and served the normal term of one year. when it was too painful for me to attend Lodge, not one of my "brothers" ever called my to see what was wrong and to offer any help. when i attempted suicide because i couldn't stand the pain any more, not one "brother" phoned or stopped by. i didn't get one get well card to go to h*ll card from these people who all purported to being my closest "brother." not much different than a church, wouldn't you say?
i'm meandering and venting and getting very very tired. pain steals your strength and your reason. not a very compatible bed fellow, what?
there is an obscure english medieval morality play entitled "Everyman." that the people of the middle ages lacked in original titles for their plays they less than made up for in their stilted style. (that was supposed to be a joke). at any rate, Death comes to everyman and tells him that it is his time. everyman tries to take his possessions, but cannot. he tries to take his good works, but they are lost to him. he tries to take his friends, but, alas, they, too must leave everyman to his solitary journey to death. so maybe i'm so so bad off. i'm already pretty well bereft of possessions and have only had a handful of friends in the last 44 years. i might as well quit while i'm so far behind. should we tell Hillery? nahhhhhhhhhh.
With the exception of my parents, I’ve been alone for most of my life. I’ve never had a girlfriend or even been on a date, and I have no friends. I’ve had social anxiety disorder and avoidant personality disorder for most of my life. However, after developing chronic pain, my psychological disorders went from moderate to severe.
I suffer from a neck pain of an unknown etiology. Since there is no definitive proof or test that can verify my disorder, people often do not take me seriously. It is hard to explain a disorder to others that I can’t even understand myself. Because of this, I don’t try to explain nor do I expect sympathy, compassion, or even empathy. Instead of trying to explain myself or opening up to others, I just avoid people (except my parents) as much as possible. I only communicate enough to do well at work and at school.
I’m not completely alone. I have a good mother and father, and I’m thankful I have their support. Their support is what keeps me from losing my sanity and becoming severely depressed. My dad also suffers from chronic pain so he can relate. My mom doesn’t suffer from chronic pain, but she is VERY nice. I don’t think I would be alive right now if I did not have such a great mother.
Some of the things I like to do to feel less lonely are read, exercise, visit forums, and daydream about having a nice girlfriend.
thank you for your post. i didn't really expect any - i was just feeding fuel to the fire that keeps all of us burning. inn fact, kaddish is said first at the funeral and then at the house of mourning, when there is a minion. after that, by some traditions, the eldest son says kaddish on the yartzeit (anniversary) of death. no minion is required and this is a very private thing. but there are as many traditions as there are jews!!
i agree that the gods hear our every prayer and thought and respond in some fashion. no one is ever truly lost or forgotten. i remember a City and Guilds student that i had when i taught at a london borough polytechnic. she was a cute a a yorkie puppy dog - and just as chipper! she was having problems memorizing mnemonic computer languages. so i said, "STA" what does that mean?" "I don't remember, sir," she replied. "well the text book says, "store to accumulator, but i think it's more appropriate to think of it as 'stash'!" that was the end of her problems with computer languages. i suspect she still remembers me - not my name, or what i look(ed) like, or my voice. but somewhere deep inside this bright, intelligent lady is the memory that someone, somewhere, told her that "STA" means "stash."
i DO believe that prayer works. my father was in an industrial accident whilst i was living in england and was not expected to live. i was a member of an ecumenical (all faiths as opposed to non-denominational which means sharing a core of beliefs) metaphysical healing circle. his drs called it a miracle. my father was walking and out of the hospital in less than a month. somehow, i was not surprised.
being a member of a prayer circle can be an enlightening, spiritual experience. just one word of advice: never say "we" and "them." we are all sons and daughters of the universe who share time together on a small blue planet on the edges of a minor galaxy. how petty we are to make war and to murder in the name of our belief system.
i've probably said too much already. thank you, again, for thinking about be. i am grateful to receive but never expect reciprocity.
I know exactly how your feeling. When I got real sick with my Crohn's Disease about 10 years ago, I was married
to who I thought a wonderful guy. When I got sick, he couldn't handle being with someone who basically was "damaged" to him. We divorced. I don't look back though. To me, if your not going to be supportive of me for all my "issue's", then I don't want you in my life. I don't need the negitive people in my life. I need the people who are going to support me, care for me, and be understanding when I am sick. I have since found a wonderful man who has been my husband for 5 years now. We had a beautiful son 2 years ago, and I couldn't ask for a happier life!! Life is too short to allow people in your life who are going to take you down. I have lost a few friends through it all, and I have a gained many more. I have to keep life around me very postive.