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tom inpain
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 239
   Posted 8/3/2008 11:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Last night was filled with disappointments, anger,pain, and extreme flustration leading to the dark world of Depression. I am shaking inside and do not know how to stop it. My mind is filled with flashbacks so it is hard to concentrate please forgive me for my spelling and grammar.
I believe that the dark road to Depression is long and unending unless You pull over and ask for direction---You my fellow members know the pain and discomfort and of course the mental torment of living in pain thus You are my Peers and I am reaching out to You as I have been betrayed and need help from only those who walk in my shoes.
Years ago I lost my Step Brother to a illegal prescription drug overdose. My Brother addressed His suicide note only to me and not my other family members. He expressed his sorry in lying to me, he expressed his sorrow for leaving me so early in life and then went on to give me a i felt was a pep talk telling me to keep up making people laugh and how I could cure our families loss of Him by my use of my humor.
Some time went by and I had my accident and once I could walk and talk I joined a gym where I could use their swimming pool during the cold months. My first day in the pool I over did my excercise's and my legs were very weak. I made it into the Showers/ dressing room where I tried to get my bathing trucks off. I was able to get them down to my feet but being wet they felt like the suit was glued to my ankles so there I sat pantless and helpless. The showers have doors and inside one of the showers I heard a man falling and struggling and quite honestly did not know what to think, minutes later the door opened and out fell a man my age trying to get his shorts on also ! Now you have two grown men naked from the waist down with no idea how we were to get dressed. Instead of being depressing I made some comment which resulted in both of us laughing for what seemed like hours as we helped each other get dressed. That day that other man who i will call for now was Buddy.
We became "brother" like friends sharing tons of laughter and pain. Buddy had numerous failed back surgeries and suffered from unending pain just like us --so we had a lot in common.
I was to go to his home at the Shore today for two weeks as my wife and I have down for the past several years. Buddy and His Wife were to join my Wife and I this fall at our vacation home in upstate Pa.
Early this morning I recieved a telephone call from Buddy the tone of his voice bought back the memory of my step-brothers last call to me, buddy
said Tom ( He always called me Tommy ) I know it;s hard for You but I need You right away please hurry then Buddy hung up. As i worked my way to His home I called and called not recieving any answer.
When I arrived Buddys garage door was open, there was a tv with a dvd player the tv was on and a dvd was playing a recording of a "roast" that I
had given for Buddy on his birthday where we all (friends and family) roasted him, we all had great time.
Buddy had a table out in the middle of his garage floor filled prescription bottles, His gun safe door was open and inside were tons of pharmacy bottles. On the table in front of Buddy were prescriptions from all different doctors from all over the tri-state area
Buddy was slumped over and had left this world. Again there was a note addressed to only me.
While I am new to this forum I feel close to many of You and need advice from my peers, my family is coming up my driveway and soon will be
trying to help me make sense of this ? They are all healthy ( Thank God ) they do not understand how to deal with me. I could never accept a therapist who was trying to help me deal-- how can a therapist help when they do not personally know pain ?
Any thoughts suggestions, how do i stop shaking ?? thanks for letting me share. If I were reading this post like You I would not know what to say
to me ?? Sorry, shame, ? right now these words are nothing but words. Ever hear the expression "tears of a clown" I now know what it means.
Tom Lasko


mrsm123
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 1228
   Posted 8/3/2008 11:48 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Tom,
I don't know if anything that any of us can say is going to ease your pain today. I'm truly sorry about the loss of Buddy, both for you and your wife and for Buddy's family.
I don't know why people choose suicide as an answer to their problems, but I do know that it causes such pain in those left behind, with so many unanswered questions and no means of getting the answer to the one that most want most......why?
I can feel the depth of your pain through your words, and I wish that there were some way to ease it, today and in the coming days and weeks ahead of you.
I don't know why Buddy chose today to end his life, but I imagine that something happened or he just felt that he couldn't live any longer with the pain. I'm sorry that you were the one that he called to find him, that is a tremendous burden to put on someone, and I don't think that Buddy realized he would be doing by making that call. I'm pretty sure that Buddy's choice today has brought up those painful memories of your brother's death as well, and I'm sorry for that.
I hope in the coming days and weeks Tom, that we can support you, and offer you a place to talk if you feel the need to.
Grief is something that you have to work your way through Tom, as I'm pretty sure that you know already.
Sending you comforting hugs,
Sandi M
PLIF/TLIF Fusion w/Instrumentation L4-5 Spondololysthesis L4-5.Laminectomies L4-5, foraminal stenosis L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, herniations L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, central canal stenosis L3-4, L4-5 and L5-S1
POST OP CES 3/30-06
Neurogenic Bladder and Bowel, bilateral numbness legs and feet
Revision for failed Back surgery, pseudoarthrosis L4-5, hemilaminectomies L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, bmp added to revision fusion, replaced two bent screws that were reversing out of vertebrae - August 2, 2007
On going back pain and neuropathic pain, failed back surgery, consult for scs, decided not to do that at this point.
Adhesive Arachnoiditis also......just what I didn't need..


ryand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 639
   Posted 8/3/2008 12:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh, Tom! sad My heart just aches for you right now. There are no words.

(((((hugs)))))

Ry

PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 8/3/2008 1:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Tom,
You do have my deepest sympathies. This is an extraordinarily difficult challenge for you to deal with. We can be here for support, but I really do encourage you to try to accept help from professionals in addition to your family, friends, and us here. Notice I said "in addition". Therapists can help you deal with your grief, and make sure your depression doesn't get any deeper. We don't want anything to happen to you! Please, don't turn your back on those trained to help!

PaLady

cliff
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 8/3/2008 1:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Tommy, I am so sorry for your loss and the first thing that came to my mind was to tell you a joke, to cheer you up. Then I realized the letters were left for you because you are the rock, thats right YOU. you are strong and the proof of that is you took the time to express how you are feeling. Listen to what we are saying go to a Therapist its not like it will put you in any more pain than you are already in. Trust us, lean on us, and let us take some of your pain from you. I am crying right now and will help you carry the load. You are going to be OK, start by making buddy's wife and your wife laugh today.
cliff
spelling doesn't count

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2279
   Posted 8/3/2008 1:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Tom,
I'm so incredibly sorry to hear about your loss. It sounds like Buddy was a really good friend & great encouragement. I wish I knew what to say to help you through this sad time. If there's anything you can think of, please let me know -- in the meantime I will keep you & everyone else touched by this in my thoughts & prayers.

love and prayers,
frances

worsenow!!!
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 208
   Posted 8/3/2008 1:57 PM (GMT -7)   

Tom you are obviously a tremendously caring person. The letters left to you on both occasions lead me to believe that you meant a lot to your brother and your friend. It may not be as obvious to you but i am an outsider and I think both occasions have been left for you because you would know what to do. They trusted you but at the same time broke your heart. But please take solace from these facts that you are highly respected, from both people. I don't know you, but I would like to. Your wife and friends wife are very lucky to have you in theirs. Everyone here will always listen, and help if they can, but I think that this is something that you and only you can deal with, but we will be here ready and willling to listen, or even try and cheer you up. You probably won't want to laugh but think of all the funny moments you had with both people, and know that you got through it once and you can sure as hell do it again!!! Be strong, and be as kind and caring as you sound you always have been. Thinking of you and your family

amanda xx


worsenow!!!
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 208
   Posted 8/3/2008 1:58 PM (GMT -7)   
also meant to say I am sorry for your loss, but I think those words won't bring any comfort. xxx

Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9622
   Posted 8/3/2008 2:19 PM (GMT -7)   
Awe Tom, so sorry for your losses, wish I knew what to say.
Prayers and soft Hugz to you,
************************
* Asthma
* Allergies
* Osteoarthritis
* Spinal Stenosis
* Mild DDD
* Enlarged
Pituitary Gland
* Fibromyalgia
*************************

Patient: "I always see spots with my eyes"
Doctor: "Didn't the new glasses help?"
Patient "Yes, now I see the spots clearer"


Lindaloo
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 1713
   Posted 8/3/2008 2:42 PM (GMT -7)   
We want to be supportive of you Tom and consider you one of he "family" but please be advised that you are treading on rule #1 .

No discussion of any illegal activity or threats of violence. (ie. illicit drug use, including medical marijuana use, threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm). Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted.

We know you are depressed but these descriptions of this kind do not belong on this forum in the future.

Lindaloo
Moderator Chronic Pain
 
Believe in yourself.  Be kind to fellow humans and animals.  Take time to smell the flowers and the coffee.
And by all means, when you are down, ask me for help.  I will be there.
 
Linda


Scarred_for_life
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1559
   Posted 8/3/2008 2:47 PM (GMT -7)   
awww Tom, I too am sorry for this loss. I have no words to comfort you as I have lost family members as well and I was in a very dark place for a long time just a few years ago. The only thing that I can suggest is to get help in dealing with this loss and I hope that soon you will be back to your old self laughing and joking with us about things. My prayers are with you through your struggles and I truly hope that you can find a way out of this depression.

I lost my nephew to bone cancer three years ago and I know the emotional roller coaster that accompanies this horrid experience in life. David was a strength that I can never replace, he was always there encouraging me to find a way to work through the pain and helped me gobs when it came to understanding why I was in so much pain. I got into a car accident three years ago and was on my way to say goodbye to him before the cancer took his body. Ten minutes before the accident David died and his last words to his mother was "Mom I gotta go....aunt needs my help." then he passed. It was so hard for me to realize this but I believe that David was there comforting me through the accident and keeping me safe from harm. I recall hearing his voice in my head saying "not your time yet auntie....need you to help mom and dad through my death and you are the strength of this family so you cannot die."

Anyway hun....hope you are ok and things will be ok soon I promise. Your friend in pain....

Scarred
HEALTH ISSUES: Herniated discs at S-1-L5, L5-L4, L4-L3. Two level fusion (2000); one level fusion (2002); Revision at L4-L3 (2003). Diagnosed with Failed Back Syndrome, Permanent Nerve damage and Chronic Pain

Medications:

Kadian, Lexipro, Percocet, Temazapim, Lunista, and Robaxin.


CPnewbie
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 38
   Posted 8/3/2008 3:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Tom, I am so sorry for your loss. Words are not enough at this time I am sure, but know you are in our thoughts and prayers and may your friend Buddy be in a better place for knowing you and may he now be at peace.
CP
CPnewbie
 
 


Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9622
   Posted 8/3/2008 7:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Tom, just wanted to say that it might take awhile but there are pain management psychologist out there that've experienced pain issues, mine has, but it took a long time for me to find one. Keep looking they are out there.
Continued prayers and well wishes to you........
ya know we all luv ya........
************************
* Asthma
* Allergies
* Osteoarthritis
* Spinal Stenosis
* Mild DDD
* Enlarged
Pituitary Gland
* Fibromyalgia
*************************

Patient: "I always see spots with my eyes"
Doctor: "Didn't the new glasses help?"
Patient "Yes, now I see the spots clearer"


tom inpain
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 239
   Posted 8/3/2008 8:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Chartreux: So many thanks for You courtesy and prayers, many things have changed since this post. Depression has been replaced with rage.
Sorry i cannot comment more for I believe me and my goat are on double secret probation !
Tom Lasko


tom inpain
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 239
   Posted 8/3/2008 9:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Frances_2008 said...
Tom,
I'm so incredibly sorry to hear about your loss. It sounds like Buddy was a really good friend & great encouragement. I wish I knew what to say to help you through this sad time. If there's anything you can think of, please let me know -- in the meantime I will keep you & everyone else touched by this in my thoughts & prayers.

love and prayers,
frances

Hi there Francis: My life got flushed down the toilet and some people is lookin to flush this old pain filled guy & my trusty Goat " Fruit Loops" into cyper- space.
What You can do for me is get better and never loose touch and most of all get Yourself better don't worry about me. Cause of the stress i have been thru just like You my head is exploding. Thank you for Your thoughts and prayers ! What else could i ever ask for ?
I am still getting feedback on Your medical condition but my brain is mush. Once I un much I'll email Ya. Your always on my mind, Tom
" Your always on my mind" did I steal that from someone ?? ooooooooohhhhhhhh- is there a flush a coming?
Tom Lasko


tom inpain
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 239
   Posted 8/3/2008 9:20 PM (GMT -7)   
ryand said...
Oh, Tom! sad My heart just aches for you right now. There are no words.

(((((hugs)))))

Ry

Hi Ry: returning all the posts i got. Also got mucho personal emails ! Gonna take me a lotta time to say thanks to all.
Ry: I let no one with words to say ! Since my post a lot of information came out and I am not allowed to go into detail but my deep depression is now in need of anger management. Francis yesterday before my life got flushed yet again told me to call my Doctor and get permission to use other medication to help me thru my day and night. Why didn't I think of making a simple phone call ? that is why a group like this is so important while I was in never never land Francis had my back, slapped me in the back of my head and steered me in the right direction. My Pain Doc did call me right back after my wife told his answering service how i got flushed now i got all kinda good stuff and no pee pee worries for a month. Thanks again for Your care and understanding. I have my little Santa Clause list of all the good people in this forum and guess who is on that list ? Could it be RY ??? let me look __________________YES You are.
Tom
Tom Lasko


tom inpain
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 239
   Posted 8/3/2008 9:30 PM (GMT -7)   
mrsm123 said...
Hi Tom,
I don't know if anything that any of us can say is going to ease your pain today. I'm truly sorry about the loss of Buddy, both for you and your wife and for Buddy's family.

I don't know why people choose suicide as an answer to their problems, but I do know that it causes such pain in those left behind, with so many unanswered questions and no means of getting the answer to the one that most want most......why?

I can feel the depth of your pain through your words, and I wish that there were some way to ease it, today and in the coming days and weeks ahead of you.

I don't know why Buddy chose today to end his life, but I imagine that something happened or he just felt that he couldn't live any longer with the pain. I'm sorry that you were the one that he called to find him, that is a tremendous burden to put on someone, and I don't think that Buddy realized he would be doing by making that call. I'm pretty sure that Buddy's choice today has brought up those painful memories of your brother's death as well, and I'm sorry for that.

I hope in the coming days and weeks Tom, that we can support you, and offer you a place to talk if you feel the need to.

Grief is something that you have to work your way through Tom, as I'm pretty sure that you know already.

Sending you comforting hugs,

Sandi M
Sandi: I love hugs ! How did You know ?? You have been a God sent to me, Are You my Angel ??? My huggie Angel??

My memories are now filled with anger from betrayal and i cannot go more into it. Your comments and thoughts helped me make it thru the day. Thanks for being my Angel Today. P.S. I would not mind if You decided to hang around and Angel a little more for me ?? I'll let ya play with my pet goat Fruit Loops funny the first thing i went to for comfort were my animals ! Really felt like they ( my dogs and of course Fruit loops ) understood why Daddy was so upset. Sorry I am rambling. Tom
Tom Lasko


Pamela Neckpain
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1821
   Posted 8/3/2008 9:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Tom,
Since I arrived here on the HealingWell Forum you have been the one to
respond to me, make me laugh, make me feel better, make me feel part
of a community.
Now I will help you through the waves. Shoot! I don't know how.
You are called on by people because
they know intuitively that you can be trusted. Few people have that kind
of draw.
You do what you can. You get involved. It's a rare gift you have for all of
us. We love you!
I adore your sense of humor, Tom Robin.
Pam

Pamela Neckpain
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1821
   Posted 8/3/2008 9:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Tom Robin,
When I was in deep sorrow one time, I called the Crisis Line. The person who answered my call, listened and then she
said, "It's going to take time for you to feel better."
"How much time?" I choked out. Screamed out.
"As much time as it takes," she said.
That conversation was 35 years ago and I still remember where I was standing in my kitchen when she said that.
The words aren't the highest philosophy, but they worked for me.
I'll never get over it, of course. But it's gotten a whole lot better.
Pam

Depth of pain must be kept silent. Isn't that just the weirdest thing?

tom inpain
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 239
   Posted 8/3/2008 9:42 PM (GMT -7)   
cliff said...
Tommy, I am so sorry for your loss and the first thing that came to my mind was to tell you a joke, to cheer you up. Then I realized the letters were left for you because you are the rock, thats right YOU. you are strong and the proof of that is you took the time to express how you are feeling. Listen to what we are saying go to a Therapist its not like it will put you in any more pain than you are already in. Trust us, lean on us, and let us take some of your pain from you. I am crying right now and will help you carry the load. You are going to be OK, start by making buddy's wife and your wife laugh today.
cliff
spelling doesn't count

Hello Cliff: Another guy !!!! wow another guy not to proud to show feelings. When I read Your post I had to go by it to think about how to respond.
I loved the fact You were trying to come up with a joke ( great idea ) I got a bunch of private emails and some people ? ???? ---------well are funny as hell no matter how bad i felt I read one smiled the next I giggled ( yes men giggle) then Laughed. The people who have read my stuff knew how to get to my funny bone and You know I felt so so much better. Cliff welcome to the forum please hang around us men folk are out numbered here.
Your pain friend Tommy p.s. what brings You here? ? You helped me may I return the favor ?
Tom Lasko


tom inpain
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 239
   Posted 8/3/2008 9:49 PM (GMT -7)   
worsenow!!! said...
Tom you are obviously a tremendously caring person. The letters left to you on both occasions lead me to believe that you meant a lot to your brother and your friend. It may not be as obvious to you but i am an outsider and I think both occasions have been left for you because you would know what to do. They trusted you but at the same time broke your heart. But please take solace from these facts that you are highly respected, from both people. I don't know you, but I would like to. Your wife and friends wife are very lucky to have you in theirs. Everyone here will always listen, and help if they can, but I think that this is something that you and only you can deal with, but we will be here ready and willling to listen, or even try and cheer you up. You probably won't want to laugh but think of all the funny moments you had with both people, and know that you got through it once and you can sure as hell do it again!!! Be strong, and be as kind and caring as you sound you always have been. Thinking of you and your family

amanda xx
Hi Amanda: I do not believe I have had the real pleasure of writing or reading from You before ? I could be wrong lately I am told on this forum i have done a lot of wrong stuff ! In my defense I be a real mess, I was a mess before yesterday now i am mush mess ! ! With your kind words and support my mushing may go away and I can return to just being a mess ! ! Cool ? ? Hopefully i am not tossed into internet stranger land and can stay here with Good people like You. Thanks again Tommy
Tom Lasko


tom inpain
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 239
   Posted 8/3/2008 10:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Lindaloo said...
We want to be supportive of you Tom and consider you one of he "family" but please be advised that you are treading on rule #1 .

No discussion of any illegal activity or threats of violence. (ie. illicit drug use, including medical marijuana use, threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm). Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted.

We know you are depressed but these descriptions of this kind do not belong on this forum in the future.

I originally responded to Your post to me in anger. Today Iam madder than ever.But not at You. My old job was enforcing laws that I did not agree with but none the less I did my job. Without rules this site would be nightmare. this is my edited version, right now I am just lookin for someone / anything to take my anger out on and I know iam wrong- but I am human.
Tom Lasko

Post Edited (tom inpain) : 8/4/2008 10:24:15 AM (GMT-6)


DiLane
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 68
   Posted 8/4/2008 12:51 AM (GMT -7)   
I think you tell a good story.

worsenow!!!
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 208
   Posted 8/4/2008 4:00 AM (GMT -7)   
hi Tom, No we have not had the pleasure of chatting before as i am normally on ostomies. But couldn't help not replying to your posting. I also have to say that i don't think you broke any rules, maybe close, but then you were expressing your thoughts and feelings, and to me surely that is a positive step, to getting help. I too know all about anger and keeping my emotions locked up inside, and it does more harm than good. I know I am only 28 but have been living with health problems since i was born, parents were also heavy drinkers and i kept everything inside. Now i don't, i let the poop basically hit the fan. lol sometimes it helps, to vent. My hubby and friends understand fully when i have to have a huge moan, or a cry and they let me then comfort me after. And as for animals, well i seem to have a zoo, mainly cats but animals have calming qualties, I heard that somewhere, that hugging your pets etc... does scientifically help. So carry on with fruit loops. i hope this reply finds you better or at least in the stages of recovery. But as others have said time is the biggest healer of all, friends family and laughter. If you want a laugh look at my posting on the ibs forum under funny story. that should get the giggles going. take care tom amanda xx

kara487
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 637
   Posted 8/4/2008 4:01 AM (GMT -7)   
I am sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers.
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