Wow thank you too all of you, I never expected to get so many people to respond so quickly - guess I'm not alone in the being up all night department either!
All good advice, guess I am just so overwhelmed right now and have been in a deep depression the past couple of weeks. My best friend just took a break from me because she seems to think I have all this energy for all my other friends but her, what she doesn't understand is I cancel on them all too, because it's hard for to plan in advance because I just don't know if that day will be a good or bad pain day. Then lately my dad, whose been my biggest supporter, said he actually thinks part of me is just being lazy and it really hurt - I just can't seem to explain how tough it is and how much the pain takes it toll physically and emotionally. I am sick of hearing myself ***** and moan, so some days I just withdraw and find it easier to just stay in at home and watch TV all day because then I don't have to face the pain and what I can or can't do that day and don't have to deal with explaining myself to anyone else.
It just cracks me up that I actually want to try and remain working just know my limitations and don't want to set myself up for any more failures - heck if my own family and friends are questioning I may just be lazy, then deffinitly stranger and employers aren't going to understand it either and just think I'm a crap worker - bad enough this stupid accident already ruined what was a good reputation at my job. So I want to work, and yet it's still hard, because I need someone willing to cut back my hours, or give me flex time or a work from home job, then of course there is the whole health insurance nightmare and the 'pre-existing' condition and if I have to take out my own policy how the heck am I going to pay for it etc. Going home for a bit, as tough as it is to face it, I agree with all of you, sometimes you just have to ask for help, and if going backwards to go forward is what I need to do, so be it... I just wish everyone would stop acting as I am who I was prior to the accident because I am not and probably never will be again. And just because I'm not a junkie or alcoholic or have cancer or something 'real' I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. I guess part of me is still angry this even happened... and then to have ended up with a greedy surgeon first time around who never once said I should get a hand surgeon for my finger and everyone I come across that had him since isn't heeled correctly yet I coudn't get any lawyer to take the case even after he rebroke my finger in another spot doing manual manupulation and left me in tears screaming something is wrong in the ER and forget to sign the perscription and to give me a note for work and I never ever went back to him and him nor his office thought once to give me a follow up call and now 2 years later I am still all messed up... ugh doctors! Like everything thinks Angela has been out of work since April and Angela is having a grand old time with the summer off. Too bad the reality of it is Angela has been going to appointments like they are going out of style, then Angela had yet another surgery and let me tell you how fun finger OT is, seriously they could use it as a torture device! And the best part of it is, my prize if I actually ever get the thing to move again? 2 more finger surgeries yay! Then all the paperwork is like a fulltime job in and of itself if you can actually doctors to fill it out, if its not in on time then you go into suspension mode get no paycheck at all, stress over money and then there's the fun side effects of the meds... but yet these clowns think I'm at the beach, when I just want to stay in bed and hide and aren't even allowed on the beach because I am not allowed to be on uneven surfaces!
On top of it that I've been in a long distance relationship with a surgeon no less and just broke that off and we were engaged. I don't even know who I am anymore, we've been together over 2 years and my significant other still doesn't have a plan in place for us to be together and being the surgeon and dealing with this all day, doesn't really get while I'm complaining either because after all it wasn't brain surgery... I love this person, and really thought they were the one, and I know they love me, but I have been so overwhelemd I feel like I can't handle anything anymore, I am so emotional and have no patience and may have thrown away something good, but if my fiance can't even be there for me now, what's the point?
Sorry for the vent guys, guess I needed to get some of that out hehehe...
So I take it most of you are dealing with similar things? Want to share your stories, vent etc? Any tips on surviving... thank god for my kitty cat LOL some days I feel like he's the only 'person' I like :)
Again thank you all so much for all the responses and help and for making me feel welcomed. I truly appreciate it and am really glad I joined, I think it will be helpful to be around people that can relate. I wish you all well and hope you all have a pain-free night/day (depending where in the world you are hehehe), that's one thing I know we all live for... those good days :) I'm game to listening to anyone - I am much better at helping others then myself!
Not at all, did not take any offense to your post at all... guess I just didn't want to beat the dead horse and the more I look around here, the more I feel really bad that I am complaining, when it seems people are dealing with much worse -guess it just put it all into perspective for me and realized while I am dealing with chronic pain maybe its more so the depression issue that is bigger for me right now and keeping me down more so then the pain. I just don't want to say the wrong thing or offend anyone, because god knows for the little experience I have thus far dealing with this condition, not years like some people here, I am still green in some ways... I want to help others and motivate them, because I need that... but I also find in my day to day life if someone I love tries to motivate and does it in the 'wrong' way I end up getting upset with them saying they don't understand... just had this argument with my dad, and luckily we talked - in the end seems he just wants to help and doesn't know what to do and I explained to him that is how I feel most days about me! I haven't even cleaned my apartment in like 2 weeks, and if you knew me you would know it is driving me crazy because I am such the neat freak, so sitting here amongst the mess, dishes pilling up (again something I never did before) etc just makes me not care even more... I think I need to give myself the pep talk and start doing the things I know I can do and realize I do still have a chance to get better and instead of focusing on what happened to me, woe as me, fight it... it's just easier said then done. It's just scary. It's scary not knowing if I'll have a job, how I will pay my bills, and if I can ever do some of things I used to enjoy again and still enjoy them or just suffer through them to fake it... although I still have remainded hopeful that in time it will get easier, that if I listen to my drs. and learn to push myself through some of the pain, for me that is the way for me getting some of me back...
I saw it from my mom... and me and my brother dismissed it, thought some of it was in here head, couldn't understand why she didn't just get up at a normal time, and try and get out because there would be times like after I got injured and she had come up for a visit and made us get her a wheelchair delivered then took her shopping without the chair that she had more energy then me, so I just assumed she could do it when she wanted and when she felt like not, she played that card... now I see it from the other perspective and I have been feeling so bad I didn't even understand my own parent... there are other issues she has that I don't want to go into on here but I do know believe she does have pain and I have learned pain is relative to each individual.
So no you did not offend me, upset me or anything at all. No worries at all :) Just have had a lot going on, and kind of have been in my own head space as of late trying to figure it all out.