Dear Scarred/PaLady, It can be very overwhelming at times. I think all of us at times feel this way, not seeing a way out of this world we live in. Sometimes everywhere you turn for help, a monster stone wall slaps you in the face. I know I have often felt surrounded on all sides by walls. It is sometimes hard, more often frustrating that we cannot perform the activities we used to do in life. I too, have also lost many friends because I am housebound. The highlight of the day for me is waiting for the postman to come, but he often delivers bad things like bills!! I have moved a bed from one of my spare rooms and placed it in the lounge room in front of the TV. I go from one to the other.
It is hard to be positive about things whilst in constant pain. I often feel extremely guilty as I stay home while my fiance goes to work to earn enough to get by, I receive workcover payments cause I was injured at work. Still not enough though. I also feel guilty cause I cannot even do some housework to help her out. She is very understanding and I love her very much.
I am rambling as well now,,,here is how I look at things,: I try not to look too much into the future and I try to live in the present time. Today is the only day we have because we may be gone tomorrow. I try so hard not to worry about things I can't control. But it is darned hard. Sorry, I am not preaching, I just wanted to share with you guys the way I try and get through each day.
Hello all thought I would chime in on this thread as well.
I know that I'm new to the thread but I feel alot of what you all are feeling I quess im just newer at this than most.
Sence my accident I have gone through a worldwind of emotions and thoughts and have already lost so much. My days used to be from 6am till 1030pm at a none stop speed of work kids sports school and just running . I have 3 teenagers and a 10 yr old.
Sence my accident I have been redused to a shell of the person that I once was. Not being able to work at first then the last 2 weeks pushing myself to work at least 2 to 3 days a week so that I dont go under completley. Im single and in one sence I think it does motivate me to do more than I thought I could and on the other hand it makes it so hard that I want to scream and hit something or someone because there are those days hours weeks that no matter what my mind set is my body just doesnt comply!
I feel like my whole identy is being stipped from me peice by peice. Loosing a peice of myself everyday. So being a fighter I think of ways to reinvent myself. This works on those days where you are mad in in those fighting mood and you think im not goin to let this beat me and take away what I have worked so hard for these last 2 yrs. But when its 8 am and you still havent slept from the night befor because the pain is so bad and you are still itching from the pain meds that they have changed already 3 times and still are having probs, well on those days its like what the use there is only one of me with a mountain of things I know I have to do today on no sleep and in exteem pain and you just sit there and cry out of frustration and anger and because you know that no matter how much you may want things to be better or like they were there not and they may never be!
Now I try not to go there because i dont like to think that because I do believe that things can get better and change and I do beilive in mircles. But sometimes its just so hard. When you sit in your house and try to explain to your kids that mom just cant today, but mom you did yesterday, yes i know but today I cant, and they look at you like you have lost your mind. Well that eats at me. When my daughter asks me for money for new close for school when i used to have it and now I dont have any and I have to ask my mom for money to get things they need, It just tears me up inside!
When i sit there and look at the mountain of bills just piling up and I think ok its time to think about what im goin to cancel this month I feel sick to my stomach. And the tought of having to tell my kids that as well sighssssss, well I quess you all get the jist.
Then there is the flip side of ok When do you make the decession that you can no longer do it by yourself. Do i send my kids to there dads in PA and upset there lives again after a nasty divore 2 yrs ago because some days i just dont think I can do this on my own and the longer I go the more I get behind. Is this denial of whats to come? Or can I fight through it and overcome?
How do you plan some sence of life when there is no consistantsy to CP. One day you can then 3 days you cant. One week you can then 2 days you cant exc.
Then lets top it all off with trying to manage you life around all your doc appointments! And trying to manage everything when you have always been the one to tow the line for everyone else and now you cant and they just dont get it!
Sorry all just a bit overwhelmed today the last 3 days have sucked and thats putting it lightly! Im hurting from overdoing it by trying to push myslef to work so I can pay some bills and eat thinking that will take some of the pressure off but you just trade pressures dont you. Now im in more pain and cant do much of anything!
I know Palady and that is sometimes my only saving grace in the scheme of things as is. And it means the world to me to have you all. The world!
Thank you all
Post Edited (Pamela Neckpain) : 8/21/2008 11:01:36 PM (GMT-6)
I'm so very sorry about your son. I know that must be so hard for you. It really is a shame maybe you can get him to read some of the post on here and maybe it will show him a side that he just cant crasp.
I would like to say something to you and I hope you know that this comes from my heart and I hope you see that.
You still have so much to offer your son and your granddaughter Pamela even if you dont see it. One thing I am beginning to realize about CP and from all there post I have read and my own experences,is so many lose site of the fact that you are still the same person in spirt even though you body isnt what it was. I think even more so because it like loosing a sense, the others just get better and I think you Granddaughter would benifit from that as well as you son.
I understand pride and degnity and wanting to cry and break where no one can see. It is your right as well as mine but you may be passing up a wonderful blessing as well and a boost to your own exsistance.
I think of the movie the notebook ( I was just watching it the other night) and if you dont know the movie the mother, wife has dementia. Her kids come and grandkids come and visit and she doesnt remember them. They all act like they have met for the first time. Its sad, but I think the point is that THEY get peace and a chance to know there mother even if its not the way they would want it...at least its something and sometimes something is more than words can manage.
Just a thought Pamela and by no means is this a judgement on you or your choices or your sons. Just a outsider looking in and trying to see a way to help or just to offer up a different way of looking at things.
Your heart is kind and generous and it would be a shame not to share it with them