I am so sorry to hear all that you are going though and I want to stress to you that there is nothing the matter with you except a broken medical system and that is soooo frustrating to us all and we all have a breaking point when dealing with CP and at times it just takes it tole and you have to let it out. I know because I am going through the same thing right now.
I to put on the face that I am ok or that I can handle whatever it is that I have to deal with and just go on day after day smiling a fake smile, doing what I have to do and no more. Then one day the exhaustion just hits you and you find that you just dont have it in you anymore to pretend to help everyone else around you to cope with what you are dealing with phyicaly, emotionaly, and spiritualy. We all do what we can I think to minamize how are CP effects others with no concern for ourselves and how we deal with it. And I dont know why it is that we feel like we have to hide what we are going through all the time. Why cant we just say its a bad day and leave it at that instead of smiling and saying its fine because its not.
When we keep it all bottled up inside always pretending it will evenually find its way out, we all have a breaking point! and when it breaks it breaks, like the crack in a dam, it starts out a slow leak then it just gushes overtaking everything in its path. YOU have every right to let it out and I think it is more healty to do so. I know we cant walk around always moaning about how much it has cost us on a daily basis and how much we have had to let go or give up because of the CP but I think with all things in life it is important to have balance. We as CP'er need to find a balance of letting out all the frustrations that we deal with befor they become so overwheleming that we just crack into piecse. I dont have any answers as to how, im trying to learn that as well.
For me I have been walking around for almost 2 weeks crying all the time over nothing and everything. I go to bed crying and wake up crying. I dont know how to deal and some days I just want to give up and say **** everyone. pardon the lanaguge, but that just how it is at times. NO ONE seems to get it! NO one seems to care how much it requires of you to just get through your day, with pain, doc appointments, pain meds, flare ups, stupid jerks that say stupid things that make you hurt because they look at you like ok right just get over it now! Then top it off with sleep depravation and wow your just a walking time bomb. Even the docs dont get it.
All I know is it is a battle everyday of our lives, and we fight they best fight we can on any given day, and just know that tomorrow is another day, and for me I hold out that at some point I will win the war and all the battles fought is just definnning me as a better person.
We need to get it out so I say cry and release and DO NOT feel quilty for it. I would say we all have good cause to be anrgy from time to time and upset and down, sometimes we have to loose our selves in order to find ourselves at times. I really hope that makes some sense to you JR.
I just wanted to share a bit of me with you so that you know that you are not alone in this and that I feel the same ways at times. I am strong and always have been, but I must say this have been the hardest thing in my life I have ever had to deal with and I have had alot or crap come my way in my life time but this at times has brought me to my knees.
Its a bit like greiving for the death of someone you love. Its a process and you go through the steps and sometimes when you think you have come through one of the steps you find yourself back at step one, just like when you loose someone, something just triggers it and its like it was in the beginning where you feel like your heart is being rectched out.
You have been strong and fought through all that you have been through and I know you will find your way back as we all do, but allow yourself to cry , sometimes it is the best thing we can do, and then we pick ourselves back up and go on to fight the battles to win the war.
I really hope you are ok, I will be praying for you and just know that you are not alone and if you wish to email me you can I do completely understand what you are going through.