Post Edited (skeye) : 10/9/2008 10:28:24 AM (GMT-6)
Dear mom9mom thanks for saying it hurt you as well always nice to know your not a whimp lol..
And thanks to everyone for all your imput and friendship it means the world to me right now. I have just been going through so much this last while and I feel like im on the verge of cracking up right now. Im sitting here crying my eyes out just wrighting this. I dont know whats the matter with me any more.
How do you cope all the time when everyday seems to bring new challenges on top of the ones you already have? I cant even deal with what I have let alone the new sh** that keeps coming may way. Im just so tired and worn down to the bone. I feel a bit lifeless right now like everything is such a great effort and there just any place else to drawl from.
I struggle everyday with calling my ex and saying im dropping the kids with him and taking off to europe to be with my fiancee and saying ok you take care of me for awhile because I just cant carry it anymore. I hate this, I have never been like this in my life time and I dont know how to deal with it anymore.
When I talk with people some get it to an extent but others (most) just look at you like ok so get over it or ok what can you do to change things. Well do they not think I have already gone over what can I do to change things. grrrrrrrrrr its so frustrating and then I find myslef freaking out on everyone because these people know me and they know im not a slacker and they know im a problem solver what do they think im doing all the time. What is there to figure out. Im hurt in pain all the time, Im being used as a pin cushion, running back and forth to doc after doc to find answers, i dont sleep, I push myself to the limit everyday. My days off are spent running to doc appointments. I have to take care of my kids, I have to work, I have to do what I have to do. what is there to give up!
I talk with the docs about all this and get no where but more test, the meds im on dont work and no one will try anything else. Im on medicade and no one wants to take new medicade patients anymore because they dont pay. So its get a promise to pay from lawyer which is eating my settlement (what ever that may be) to peices. At this point who knows I might end paying out of pocket by the time its all said and done.
Im still fighting with welfare to get food stamps and they keep giving me the run around and thats been almost 7 weeks now sense I have applied. My marrige visa for my fiancee is still in the works dont know how long its gonna take till thats sorted and hey lets not forget Christmas is right round the corner and I cant even pay my bills anymore let alone think about buying presents for my kids.
What I dont get and sometimes just eats at me is why! Why me? I have worked my whole life, I have lived my life to try and make a difference in this world. I have told the truth worked hard did what I have to do and did it the right way. When i have had made mistakes, I have tried to learn from them to become a better person. I have given to everyone in my life and taken care of everyone else, why when I need help is there no one around to phycail help. My mom and dad right me a check every month sence the acc, but when I call and ask for the phyical its I cant or well why cant your kids do it, you need to make them do it. Then im like mom If I could get them to them I wouldnt be calling you. I just dont have it in me to fight that battel right now. Still nothing. Dont get my wrong im grateful they help out with paying my rent sence the acc but I need some phyical help.
I call my ex and ask him to get the kids for a while till I can get this sorted and all i get from him is excuses and reasons why i need to hold on till April. *** if I could hold on till april then I wouldnt be calling him asking for help!