How much Stress do you think your Chronic pain affect your spouse?

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ace lungger
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 12/30/2008 10:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Folks,
 It took me a long time to figure out that I was putting a great strain on my spouse, not only me being in 24/7 pain and letting everyone know about it( non intentionaly), she started going threw the change of life 1 1/2 years ago! We got married when we were kids, and have loved each other deeply for 34 years! one of my big fears is that she will come home one day, and say I am not happy here any more! I have seen this happen many times when wowen go threw the change! i have tried to stop complaining about my pain, but for I never feel like going anywhere, I think that is putting a extra stress on our marriage!
 Does any one else feel like they are in the same boat as me? and if so, what do you think you can do about it? How do you make your self go do things with your spouse, if all you want is to lay in bed, so that you are not in pain?
I would like to hear from any of you that feel you are having the same problems?
Thanks ACE

Scarred_for_life
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1559
   Posted 12/30/2008 11:32 AM (GMT -7)   
I too worry about this Ace. My husband has been very supportive over the last 8 years of our marriage as he hurt his back three days after I hurt mine and knew exactly what I am going through. But he has made many concessions for me in the past 8 years. He's taken off work to take me to my appointments, taking away from his vacation time, sick leave and personal time off. He took the days off to be with me at the hospital when I went through each surgery and sat by my bedside day in and day out through my recovery while I was in the hospital. He has waited on me hand and foot, making dinners, cleaning the house when I haven't been feeling well and waking up at night to lean over me to make sure I am ok in the middle of the night.

Yeah he has been a god send through it all and I can't help but wonder if I am not stressing him a lot. I see it in his face when I'm in pain. I can tell he is worried and wishes that he could take it all away from me. I hear it in his voice when I am in tears from the horrid pain because I over did it for the day trying to pick up my end of the housework or from helping shop, as he comforts me. I know he is worried about me and I know its causing him stress. I worry about this more now then ever as my husband gets older and is prone now to heart attacks with his weight and the fact that his dad had a heart attack when he hit 50. My husband is 42 now. So this weighs on my mind as well. Anyway....I can understand what you are fearing Ace and I too fear this.

Take care.

Scarred
HEALTH ISSUES: Herniated discs at S-1-L5, L5-L4, L4-L3. Two level fusion (2000); one level fusion (2002); Revision at L4-L3 (2003). Slight herniation at L2-3 but Neurosurgeons will not operate because of previous failed surgeries. Diagnosed with Failed Back Syndrome, Permanent Nerve damage and Chronic Pain

Medications:

Kadian, Lexipro, Percocet, Lunista, Topamax and Robaxin.


TroubleMaker
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 119
   Posted 12/30/2008 12:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Ace,  I can understand both sides of the coin.  My husband (boyfriend when wreck happen) was hit head on on a motorcycle and broke legs, ribs, jaw.  He was a mess to say the least.  Died on me 3 different times during surgery that nite.  This is 20 years ago this coming May.  He really had a hard time and I was young only 20, he was 24. But, I made the choice because I loved him I would not leave.  Not out of duty, or something like that, but because I couldn't live without him.  We've been married since 1996 and are very happy. 
 
During this time I started having problems with my back, nothing really bad, just had to watch what I did.  In 2005 it all changed, if flipped out on me.  Then in April 2007 it did it again and I ended up having a ruptured disc and had to have surgery. Woo Hoo found the problem, right???? Well, they did surgery and am suppose to be fixed.... Nope... didnt happen.  Still have pain 24-7 no matter what I do, and the doctor that did the surgery treated me like I was just after pain meds and I've never darken his door again.
 
My point is, its hard, on both parteners, I think if you can talk, even if you agree to disagree it helps.   I wish you luck, and please dont give up on each other.  My husband has good days now and bad, most of mine are bad, but I keep truckin.  I have a good attitude most of the time and he does too, but we have days we could commit harry-carry (sp) and all would be done. LOL...If one of us gets to *****y the other calls out the other.
 
I hope this might help alittle.
 
Trouble turn
Pain pain go away and never darken my door step again :)
 
 


Pete trips again!
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1899
   Posted 12/30/2008 12:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Ace Buddy,
I know exactly what your talking about! I've been married for 27 years and my wife is now 51 and in full blown metapause. She has never been very sympathetic twards my CP or PC (prostate cancer) for that matter. I know it all just gets to be too much at times and I try very hard to not complain all the time. It's just like you say, I just can't do all the things she wants me to. If I don't tell her, then she thinks I can, if I do, I'm complaining too much. I'm in that boat and I feel like it's sinking! Somebody throw me a line. Now she is blaming my testosterone gel which I have to use daily for hypogonadizm. (when a man's testicles no longer produce testosterone) It was caused from the tramma of my PC surgery, one of many uncool issues I have that demon left behind! She says all the symptoms she is having are from my gel. The thing is, all the symptoms are the same as metapause symptoms. I'm so carful not to get it on anything and am 99% sure it's not from me. I can't win for loosing right now. I feel like I'm wrong about everything no matter how trivial, it turns into an argument. If I'm quiet, I'm wrong, if I say something, I'm wrong, just call me Mr. Wrong! I'm so sorry to unload on you good folks but who else can I talk to? Oh, this story is so much more detailed and complex. Maybe I can finish in spurts if anyone is willing to listen. Man I hate to sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself but I guess I am. How did that old Otis Redding song go?" I'm Mr. Pittiful"> Thats me.
Your pitiful Friend,
Pete
55 years old, Surgury, Radical Prostatectomy 8/20/03, PSA 6.6, Gleason 3 + 3 = 6, Adenocarcinoma extent (moderate) Stage & Margin:T2NOMX, No Metastases, Organ Confined, bone scan: Neg. 3 1/2 years of depression after surgery prior to Hypogonadizm DX, Testosterone Theropy (Testim Gel)since 12/06 but switched to a higher dose of (Androgel) 6/08. I am's what I am's and that's all that I am's! (Popeye)  55 and still alive and so glad to still be here to see my two sons grow up to be fine young men. They are both serving in the US Navy, one on a ship in the Atlantic and the other on a ship in the Pacific!!! I am one proud PaPa!!!!! 


straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 13473
   Posted 12/30/2008 12:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Ace,
 
If all you want to do is lay in bed you need to get yourself into the dr and get something done. Sounds like your meds are not doing their job. Laying in bed is about the worse thing you can do. You lose all muscle strength, of course it knocks your stamina to the ground. Somehow, you have got to get out of the bed. Not preaching to ya-just concerned.
 
Yes, it affects the spouse unbelievably. I keep my mouth shut, I do not complain to him, I drive myself to all appts, he is not my chauffer, never was in the first place. I never asked him to take off work for any dr appts. I had a very good friend who is like a brother to me that hauled me around wherever I needed to go if I could not drive. I have crohns disease so I get to have some of those unworldly tests done ever year and they give light sedation so I must have a driver, but it ain't him. I do get some help from him from time to time in the house not alot but some. He is now retired so I do ask for his help where before when he worked I did not. I do my own shopping including grocery shopping. I take my own care in for inspections and that crap.I totally disassociated him with my health problems. People do not like to hear about how bad we feel or hurt.
 
All I know is you need to get medical help and you need to get yourself up motivating around the house. Its not going to be easy but its doable, ok. Make yourself a deal to do one small task a day. That task may be I will not lay in bed today. Or that task may be I will go somewhere with the wife. Its real easy for a wife or spouse to feel totally alone when the other one becomes ill and not able to participate in their lives. Thats not good. Thats hard on the best of marriages. Think about. Good luck, Susie
 
 
 
 


ace lungger
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 12/30/2008 3:06 PM (GMT -7)   
I was allways the out going one, and she never realy cared to do much going, about the only thing she likes to do is shop, and that is all she wants to do now!but i never have liked to shop, and now with the pain, I just can't go! One thing is a fact she has changed a lot since the metapause kicked in. she speaks her mind now to others, and she would of never done that! Our Son lives in Washington, here about 9 weeks ago, we had agreed to go out there when spring came and the temps were good, the cold kills me!! 6 week ago, she comes home from work one day and says, I am going to so see our son, she told me that if I didn't want to go, she would go buy her self! We have been married 33 years, and up untill just a few years ago, she would go out of town by her self.
 Since I have been off work 2 years, I have lost 14 lbs, I have no interest in eating , food just doesn't taste good! The only thing I still like is sweets! i love my wife dearly, and would do anything to make her happy, she is the only reason i endure the pain! But as i was saying when i started this this reply, it kills me to have no one to talk to all day every day.
Thanks again for all the kind words! I hope and pray that each one of us gets some sort of relief!
ACE

Scarred_for_life
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1559
   Posted 12/30/2008 4:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Ace; I am going through Menopause and from a woman's point of view you (as a man) really cannot understand what we go through when this cycle of life hits us. Not trying to sound mean or putting the male species down or anything but, the males just don't understand what it is like to suddenly be thrown into this crazy mixture of emotions and bodily changes that affects us when we go through this change in our lives. I'm crabby most of the time, which is totally unusual for me as I am mostly upbeat and don't say how I feel most of the time. I get the blues and cry at the stupidest things (like commercials that are sappy or the end of a sad movie). Not to mention that our once abundant sex drive (I know TMI) has come to a sudden stop. But the worst part is the hot flashes! One minute we are fine and the next we feel like the room is burning up!

I tell ya God played a cruel joke on women when he made us (sorry for the pun). It's not an enjoyable time of our lives and we have to put up with this for anywhere from a few months to ten years! If I go along like my mother did with hers I will be forced to deal with this for 9 1/2 years of my life. My mom laughs when I tell her I have started the "Monster" as she puts it. She tells me that it's a curse that is laid on every woman no matter their height, weight, or where they live. I cannot take the hormone replacement therapy because there is a chance of breast cancer that falls in my family, so I have to use the natural stuff which only tames the emotional things for a bit. I still have to deal with the hot flashes and when you wake up in the middle of the night and the sheets are soaked even though its 65 degrees in the house its embarrassing. Then I'm cold....then my hips hurt cause I'm cold so off to the tub I go to warm up and try to get the pain down once more. Only to have another hot flash come upon me once more while I'm soaking.

So what I'm saying Ace is don't be too hard on your wife, she is doing the best she can.

Scarred
HEALTH ISSUES: Herniated discs at S-1-L5, L5-L4, L4-L3. Two level fusion (2000); one level fusion (2002); Revision at L4-L3 (2003). Slight herniation at L2-3 but Neurosurgeons will not operate because of previous failed surgeries. Diagnosed with Failed Back Syndrome, Permanent Nerve damage and Chronic Pain

Medications:

Kadian, Lexipro, Percocet, Lunista, Topamax and Robaxin.


skeye
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 2976
   Posted 12/30/2008 5:05 PM (GMT -7)   
((((PAlady)))) Sending you lots of long distance hugs!! I wish there was more I could do...

ace lungger
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 12/30/2008 6:44 PM (GMT -7)   
I don't give my wife a hard time! I know that it is a natural thing that happens to all wowen, some it doesn't bother, some it does a lot, and I am not trying to start any fight here, But I know for FACT that 5 couples that it happened just like I said, and in fact none of the 5 wowen have ever dated, went bar hopping or nothing, just kind of locked there self up in there own world. If this offended you I am sorry, but these were very close friends that this happen to!
but i do think that those of us that live i the 24/7 pain, do cause extra stress on our spouse's wheter we know it or not! Because for the longest time I had no idea, how much I complained!
I wish you all well

Pamela Neckpain
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1821
   Posted 12/30/2008 10:26 PM (GMT -7)   
I skimmed this thread. That was enough for me. : - (

straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 13473
   Posted 12/30/2008 11:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Ace, I forgot to mention too, that some women think because they hit menopause they are suppose to do strange things. This sad but true, I think comes from some of the old wives tales,lol. The very same thing happens alot when a woman turns 40, so I think alot of it is just plain ole hype from our mothers, then their mothers ect..lol
 
I have to agree with one of the other posters, she talked about hot flashes, hell I had hot waves. The heat started from the toes and moved all the way up and it felt like a heat wave not a flash,lol. Oh god, those were awful.
 
I really doubt your wife planning a trip has a thing to do with menopause. Have you considered she may have had enough and needs a break. Every person has their breaking point you know. Since she knows the cold bothers you she may feel it would have been senseless in inviting you along. Sorry, I just don't buy into the fact menopause played a role in this sorry to bust your bubble on that one,lol. 
 
Have you noticed any change in her personality, such as being a quiet type and then suddenly she is the opposite? Any type of long term illness does affect the other close family members one way or the other. In some instances, I think at times its worse for them than us.
 
I know my husband wonders where that crazy lady is he married 21 yrs ago that went 500 MPH every single day. The one who could work 10-12 hours a day at a job then come home and start in there. The person who was packed up every Friday night and ready to hit the road for the weekend. We have a motorhome and so does our friends-we ran away from home every weekend and it was great. lol Entertain-oh I was quite the party girl, whether I was giving it or attending it. My life was full to the max. There just was not much more room left to squeeze anything else in. Unfortunately every stinking bit of this has changed. But, I have very good memories and CP has not taken those away from me.
 
PALady is so right about me-yes I do push myself, I always have long before CP came along. CP is not the only illness that has knocked my legs out from under me. Right now I am dealing with 3 auto-immune diseases that has really taken a toll on my health, two out three no remission attained at this point. I had 6 surgeries in less than 3 yrs and that was a tough cookie to bounce back from. Plus, COPD hit me hard and I have been on oxygen 24/7 for the past 2 yrs. So, yes, I do push myself and I intend to keep pushing. I feel as long as I am pushing things I am not letting my health win the war. I spent almost 2 yrs in a bed, that was no good, I had to get up.
 
Ace, you never commented on how your meds are covering your pain? I think you need some help in that area, then you will be able to move around somewhat. Hugs to all, Susie  
 
 


Scarred_for_life
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1559
   Posted 12/31/2008 7:43 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm only going to say one more thing and then I'm done posting anything more about this subject because it seems that I was right about Men just not getting it even though I tried to explain it (Hell my husband doesn't get it and he's living with me so it's a mute subject in this house that we just don't talk about). I don't think that you should blame everything your wife does or doesn't do on the fact that she is going through Menopause IMHO. Since you really don't know what changes her body is going through my suggestion would be is to read up as much as you can on the changes that menopause cause in women and maybe that will help you to understand her situation better so that you can help her through this.

Anyway, I'm done posting on this so that's my two cents.

Scarred
HEALTH ISSUES: Herniated discs at S-1-L5, L5-L4, L4-L3. Two level fusion (2000); one level fusion (2002); Revision at L4-L3 (2003). Slight herniation at L2-3 but Neurosurgeons will not operate because of previous failed surgeries. Diagnosed with Failed Back Syndrome, Permanent Nerve damage and Chronic Pain

Medications:

Kadian, Lexipro, Percocet, Lunista, Topamax and Robaxin.


ace lungger
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 12/31/2008 9:28 AM (GMT -7)   

Seems as if I have set a fire! I am sorry ladies, but I do understand your problems, and I do know my wife better than any of you, I have only been married to her since I was 19 and now I am 53. I know that the change isn't fun, and I also now that you ladies can't control what happens to you, but, you cannot In any way speak for what my wife is going threw or acting like unless you have lived with her 34 years.

 i came here to find comfort and help, and all I got in this topic is a Person that must have a PHD. in the study of wowen that have and are going threw menopause! I would like to read your book, instead of you preaching to me about something you think i know nothing about!

This is my last post, I will not be back! I don't need to feel worse than I allready do! Life is way to short to jump in and think you now ever thing about a subject, and base it on being a lone, if I didn't know better, and you know who I am talking to, I would sware you are my old boss, and she is the one that made me this way! She knew everthing about everthing, but couldn't do anything she thought she was telling you what to do!

I will pray tonight that all of you that are in chronic pain get some relief, I will also pray for those that know it all, to wake and find out there is only one person in this world, that Knows IT All.

ACE


Pete trips again!
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1899
   Posted 12/31/2008 9:56 AM (GMT -7)   

Hello Girls,

So you don't think any man can ever understand what metapause is like, mentally & physically? Well, now you have and are talking to one right now! Beleive it or not, when a man looses the ability to produse testosterone or has to take lupron to get to castration levels or testosterone for advance prostate cancer, he goes through almost idenitcal symptoms as females do during their "change." After my surgery, as I mentioned earlier, my body stopped producing testosterone and I spent 3 1/2 years trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Doctors, urologist, enocronolagist, phychiatrist, no one could tell me what was wrong with me. I was loosing my mind! The hot flashes were so bad and embaracing, I would be at work at my desk just soaking all the paperwork w/ puddles around me, my bed was never dry! My breasts were hurting & growing and something else was shrinking (use your Immajination on that one!) Sex was the last thing on my mind and had none the entire 3 1/2 years, I don't think I could if I tried.  I would start crying and not be able to stop. Big 6-3, pushing 300lbs and growing fatter every day even on diets. My wife was at witts end, everyone thought I was crazy. I was taking anti sychotic & anti depression drugs like candy but nothing helped. I came so close to ending it and would have except I couldn't do that to my family. Then one new young doc asked me if I had my "T" checked lately? Got tested and was well below castration levels. Then the doc told me, "I would put you on testosterone replacement BUT>>> giving you a prostate cancer patiant "T" would be like throwing gas on fire! PC feeds on "T"!!!" OK doc, what the ^%$(_)_^@@#_!! do I do? Deal with it! Well at least now I knew what was wrong w/ me. I went to doctor after doctor untill I finally was listening to a doc about my age talking at an "US TOO" meeting a PC support group. After talking about hormone treatments, I asked him would he ever concider giving "T" to a PC survivor? To my delight he said, "its his choice, its a quality of life issue and if he was willing to gamble his life on it, he would." I called and made an apt w/ his office the next day! I've been on TRT for a little over 2 years now and I'm still in remition and no more hot flashes! Sometimes you just have to roll the dice. So, sorry about all the dramatics but yes, I do know what Y'all are going through w/ your curse and I don't envy you!!!

Ace, I don't want to add to the others but I think they are right. When I was at my lowest, I wasn't working, couldn't walk and never thought I would be able to work or walk again I never would have beleived that I would now ghave a job working over 50 hrs a week! I like others here had to push way beyond what I believed I could do. A little at a time, yes it hurts like H*** but just giveit time. Talk to your doc, did you get a new doc yet? Wasn't it you who was looking for a better doc and fighting the state? I've got to work so I can get out of gere today, I could write for hours about all this but, no time. Good luck brother, we are all with you!

Your friend,

Pete     


55 years old, Surgury, Radical Prostatectomy 8/20/03, PSA 6.6, Gleason 3 + 3 = 6, Adenocarcinoma extent (moderate) Stage & Margin:T2NOMX, No Metastases, Organ Confined, bone scan: Neg. 3 1/2 years of depression after surgery prior to Hypogonadizm DX, Testosterone Theropy (Testim Gel)since 12/06 but switched to a higher dose of (Androgel) 6/08. I am's what I am's and that's all that I am's! (Popeye)  55 and still alive and so glad to still be here to see my two sons grow up to be fine young men. They are both serving in the US Navy, one on a ship in the Atlantic and the other on a ship in the Pacific!!! I am one proud PaPa!!!!! 


Chutz
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 9090
   Posted 12/31/2008 4:35 PM (GMT -7)   
May I ask that this discussion end before it totally breaks down and the damage is irreversible. I'm going to guess there have been things said that some regret...or maybe not...but either way I don't see any benefit to continue. If you'd like, please feel free to edit your posts if you feel you've said something unnecessary. I have heard from some and this is not the tone I know we all want.

Chutz
Co-Mod Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Forums
~~~
Fibromyalgia, Ulcerative Colitis, Insulin dependent diabetic, collapsed disk, dermatitis herpetiformus, osteo arthritis in spine and other locations.
***************

The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits. Albert Einstein: (1879-1955)


Baybreeze
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 315
   Posted 1/1/2009 10:04 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi,

I've never had a spouse (not been  married) but my last boyfriend sort of left me because of my pain. I sort of pushed him away, too, though. But he just could not understand that I could not do many things. I couldn't go walking around anywhere, couldn't go to the movies, couldn't do this and that, etc.. so he got frustrated, but I can sort of understand that. Although he kept saying my problems didn't bother him, I knew they did. And he had said to me many times "what's the matter with you??". It aggravated me as well. So to me it wasn't even worth and it was better we seperated sooner than later. Now i don't even bother anymore b/c I cannot have a normal relationship.

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