Well once again I'll be offline for a few days....

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Scarred_for_life
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1559
   Posted 1/19/2009 2:45 AM (GMT -7)   
as I trudge off back home. Not looking forward to this trip home and I now know the depression is setting in. I don't think any of us want to attend our parents funeral but I dread this one pretty badly. My mom will be there and her and my father were divorced 20 some odd years ago. I am hoping that she will know her place and keep her mouth shut but something tells me that will be too much to expect and it will be a big fight over who gets what and she will feel that my baby sister is getting slighted then it will be a big fight and end in me walking out of my brother's house ticked off and ashamed once again. I've told both my sister and my brother I will not be drawn into any debut about who gets what nor will I take sides on any of this and that if that is what they expect that they might as well forget it. I am going up there to say goodbye to my dad and to honor his memory. I don't care about the will nor do I care who gets what it's all just material things as far as I am concerned and I would give it all up for one more day with my dad.

I have also asked that they not make a big deal of my birthday which will fall the day before the funeral this year. This has caused some tension between the family and I have conceded to allow them to celebrate my birthday as they see fit and I will put up with it. I'm really not in the mood to celebrate this year and its really understandable at least to my mind but my family thinks I am being selfish and immature about it and thinks that I am being a brat. Oh well guess as the old adage goes "You can't always get what you want." goes here.

Anyway hubby and I are leaving early morning Wednesday and will be back on Sat late so I will probably not post again until Monday but if I get a chance to post before that I will just to let you all know how I am fairing. Hugs and I will miss you all.

Hoping each of you are well and have a Lessen Pain week.

Scarred
HEALTH ISSUES: Herniated discs at S-1-L5, L5-L4, L4-L3. Two level fusion (2000); one level fusion (2002); Revision at L4-L3 (2003). Slight herniation at L2-3 but Neurosurgeons will not operate because of previous failed surgeries. Diagnosed with Failed Back Syndrome, Permanent Nerve damage and Chronic Pain

Medications:

Kadian, Lexipro, Percocet, Lunista, Topamax and Robaxin.


Pete trips again!
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1899
   Posted 1/19/2009 7:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Scarred,
I'm so sorry for what you know you have to do. It's bad enough that you lost your Father, now having to deal with a bunch of BS about who gets what and birthday cellabrations? I respect you greatly for what you said and how you just want to say goodbye and honor your Father. Is that too much to ask? Please if they start getting to you, don't fall into that trap or get po'ed, take a step back, take a deep breath and tell them I'll be back when you grow up! Then exit and find some place to calm down. I'm no expert and probably shouldn't be giving anyone advice but I've been in the same sittuation several times and thats what I did. Please drive carefully and get back safely.
Your friend,
Pete
PS>Big Hugs For YOU>>>>>
55 years old, Surgury, Radical Prostatectomy 8/20/03, PSA 6.6, Gleason 3 + 3 = 6, Adenocarcinoma extent (moderate) Stage & Margin:T2NOMX, No Metastases, Organ Confined, bone scan: Neg. 3 1/2 years of depression after surgery prior to Hypogonadizm DX, Testosterone Theropy (Testim Gel)since 12/06 but switched to a higher dose of (Androgel) 6/08. 55 and still alive and so glad to still be here to see my two sons grow up to be fine young men. They are both serving in the US Navy, one on an aircraft carrier heading for Hong Kong and the other on a Gator Freighter stationed in Norfolk, Va. I am one proud PaPa! 


straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 13477
   Posted 1/19/2009 9:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Scarred, Pete is so right, don't fall into any of their traps. If you see it coming, make an exit and go somewhere away from them to calm down & collect your thoughts. I can only tell you from experience, its amazing what happens when there is a death, our very own can turn into monsters. I did not speak to a sister for 6 yrs after my Dad died. It was her behavior that caused this and her daughters. They come out of the woodwork. I took care of my Dad, he moved here because he knew if he ever got sick I would be the one that took care of him and I did. My Dad had very little, so in reality there was nothing to squabble over, or so I thought, wrong, wrong was I. My goal was to pay off his debts and give him a decent burial, which I did.

I can tell you first hand its hard. But knowing what you do ahead of time is helpful, I was blindsided. As for your Mom, just try not to think about it. You have given all fair warning, stick to your guns. I am so glad your hubby will be at your side, he will be your mountain of strength, lean on him. Let him handle as much of this as possible. Hugs & prayers honey, Susie


jenpen400
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 117
   Posted 1/19/2009 10:43 AM (GMT -7)   
I hope you can get though this without too much drama. Facing my Fathers mortality and being an only child is difficult but I guess it's tough siblings or no.

Take care
jennifer
Chronic pain, anxiety, PTSD, and Depression. Norco Soma Ambien Xanax Tramadol and Prozac.


straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 13477
   Posted 1/19/2009 12:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Jennifer I was the youngest of 5 and in my 40's when my Dad passed and trust me, it makes no difference how many siblings or age, it hurts just the same. This was in 1996 and its as fresh as yesterday. I lost my Mom to lung cancer 18 months later, brought her here from Kansas to get her proper care and to be able to care for her in my home. It was awful even tho we knew it made no difference. Susie


PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 1/19/2009 12:58 PM (GMT -7)   
(((((((Scarred)))))))


PaLady

Scarred_for_life
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1559
   Posted 1/19/2009 1:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you so much everyone for your replies and thoughts. I agree with each of you and have already decided that if it happens that if it looks like anyone is going to begin their crap I will walk away and take my space to regroup. This is also my time to mourn my dad's loss and that they can not take away from me. Unfortunately it has already begun. My brother chose my husband to give a heartfelt eulogy of dad's life which both my mom and sister know about. Mom called me this morning while I was in route to my doctor appt to tell me that I was wrong about the date of her and my dad's marriage (who cares)and that she would like it to be changed. But the problem is the date that she gave me could not be right as my dad was still serving his country in that year so she began to cry and then covered it up saying that she is now just dealing with her own brother's death which happened just last month. So I told her that I will just leave the date out that really it is no big deal and it really does not matter when the two were married.

I mean come on why make a big fuss over a date if it is going to hurt someone's feelings? If my brother is right it would mean that he was conceived out of wedlock and that their marriage was because my mom was pregnant but that does not matter right at this point in time. I was told that this funeral was to be about dad and his life not about whether we were mad at one another or upset about things. It is to run smoothly and without any hurt feelings so I'm leaving the date out to keep things as smooth as I can. Anyway, that is how I am handling things..be prepared for my next post its a doosy!

Scarred
HEALTH ISSUES: Herniated discs at S-1-L5, L5-L4, L4-L3. Two level fusion (2000); one level fusion (2002); Revision at L4-L3 (2003). Slight herniation at L2-3 but Neurosurgeons will not operate because of previous failed surgeries. Diagnosed with Failed Back Syndrome, Permanent Nerve damage and Chronic Pain

Medications:

Kadian, Lexipro, Percocet, Lunista, Topamax and Robaxin.


skeye
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 2976
   Posted 1/19/2009 8:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Scarred,

I'm so sorry about everything you are going through! I hope you have a safe trip & everything goes well (you know what I mean). Hugs!

Skeye

PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 1/19/2009 10:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Scarred,
I'm so sorry things are becoming even more tense with your family, but unfortunately I think that's what happens when powerful emotions surface in different ways. I do think you're wise to leave out the date. It sounds like it has the potential to open up even more painful or confusing feelings.

Trust yourself. And do what you need to say your good-byes to your father.

My thoughts are with you,

PaLady
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