I cant take life anymore. Im on a brink of I dont know what.

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savkelchr
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 1/19/2009 8:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, Im Gwen. Im 33yo and have 3 kids. I have a multitude of health problems and mental issues as well. I know I dont have it as bad as some others do and Im grateful for that. Its sad that I have to come to a website forum board to empty my gut feelings. Im in a bad place right now. Im safe in my home but I just cant take things anymore. I dot even know if Im postng this in the right place.
 
I have crohns disease and a spastic colon. I have had 3 surgeries for it and do not respond to medications for it. It flairs evey so often. My flair started in May after 3 years in remission. I have had 3 lithotrypsy surgeries for kidney stones already this year. They keep forming due to the crohns disease. My kidney doctor wont do a 4th surgery because I have no medical insurance and no money to pay him. My stones are trivial the doctors say. They are small enough to pass but wont on their own. Its a constant pain added to other existing pain that is just mounting up. My GI doctor is a good guy and so is my general practioner. Something I need to add here is that I am a recovering drug addict and my drug of choice is narcotic pain meds and meth. I am recovered forthe last 3 plus years. I confided to my docs of the fact of my drug use. They have been very careful to avoid the narcotics. But in August the pain was unbearable. I have been on percocet since August. My doctors have been weening me off because they believe that its not doing any good. They also have been saying things to me that they think Im abusing them. This is the 1st time I have been completely honest about everything. I take them as perscribed and thats it. The pain is only getting worse and they take away the narcotics. I have been hospitalized 5-6 times since May. Either from crohns or kidney stones.
 
It takes very little to set off unbearble pain for me. I eat something wrong and it sets off the pain. I do to much in a day and it sets off the pain. I stress out to much and it sets off the pain. I live in constant pain and nothing to do about it. My doctors have been dropping me for drug test everytime I see one of them. When I was admitted to the hospital last week they dropped me for a test and said that the narcotic percocet didnt even show up. I swear I was taking them, I was tapering off like they said, but was still taking them. They dropped me an unexpected drug test a month ago and it came back positive for barbituates or whatever. I swore then that I hadnt taken anything. He was sceptical. I had it sent to a lab and it came back positive. I was angry at 1st but then I understood his point too. He is just playing it safe. Well now my GI sent a letter to my GP saying that he would not be giving me any more narcotics. He thinks I was getting them from him and my GP. The only time I would get a scrpit of Narcotics from the other doctor was when I couldnt get into see my GI. And even then I always told him. I always make sure that each doctor knows exactly what the other has perscribed. I dont play doctor shopping. I was being straight on. No lies, no BS. Just honesty.
 
Now both docs are constantly questioning my need for percocet. The pain only is getting worse and no treatment is working and they are taking away the pain medicaion. They did put me on Neurontin and Lyrica and it is helping to a degree. As long as I dont do anything, I dont hurt. When I start doing something simple like house work or grocery shopping, the pain starts coming back. Ive only been on this medicine for a week. Im giving it a try. But Im doubful as I cant sit on my butt all day. I have two teenage girls and a 4yo boy that is a extremely busy and a handful.
 
I am not one to feel sorry for my self generally but today is just mounting up to be one big pity party it seems. Im really struggling with my sobriety to just go get pills or meth illegally. Im so fed up with my life in general I just want to walk away form it all. Im tempted to go to a bigger city hospital and get different treatment. I live in a really small country community. The nurse at the emergency room even told me that she is tired of seeing me in so much pain and getting treated as I am and told me to go to the city where I would get treatment. Good Lord, I never meant for this to be so long. I just need comfort from someone who understands and can give me good advice. Maybe I need to just quit feeling sorry and resentful and suck it up and do what they say no matter what. I dont know please, please, please help me.

PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 1/19/2009 11:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, Gwen,
I posted on your other thread, but really felt the need to try to offer some support here, although it's maybe from too much of a distance. First, I am concerned if in any way you feel you may want to harm yourself, and please call the suicide hotline at 1-800-SUICIDE if you don't know your local resources. Do you have a therapist or addictions counselor or treatment program? I know you don't have insurance, but there often are some programs that serve the underinsured. Even going to AA/NA - any 12 step program would give you support for free, even if it's not your first choice.

Second, please remember the neurontin and lyrica can cause some depression, so that may be what's getting you especially down right now. I think you do need to talk to your doctor ASAP about the doses, and explain how you're feeling. Your anti=depressant may also need adjusting.

Managing chronic pain with an addiction is a challenge, no doubt about it, because of what the body does to certain substances. But it does sound like you're trying to manage it but I wonder if you're getting the right help. For most of us pain meds are managed by one doctor and one doctor only. That may solve some of your problems. Going back and forth, especially with an addiction history, I think makes it easier for problems to occur, and doctors to get suspicious even if you're doing everything ok. I don't know why your urine screens are showing what they are; sometimes tests aren't completely accurate, but you need to ask an expert who knows everything you've taken and when you've taken it whether it affects the test results.

Please use the suicide hotline even if you're only feeling kind of depressed - at least until tomorrow. They could also help you find resources in your area. Don't try to do this by yourself, ok?

Feel free to keep posting to this board, but there's also a depression part of the forum that you can post to in addition to chronic pain, and also a forum for crohn's. You may find different information at each section of Healing Well, and you can use as many sections as you like.

Please, keep reaching out for help!

PaLady

straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 13451
   Posted 1/19/2009 11:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Gwen,
 
I think I posted to you on another thread. I feel really bad for you and it sounds like you are in a terrible situation. Its awful trying to deal with more than one illness at a time, I have first hand knowledge of this as I too have crohns. I see at one point you were in remission. What is that, I have battling it for 6 yrs w/o remission, then they added UC to the mix in 1996. I have a host of several other illnesses and they all seem to want to rear their ugly heads at one time for some reason.
 
You may very well end needing to go to a big city for proper care. Its really not unusual to have to find another dr if we are not getting the proper care we need. I can see both sides of the story with the addiction issues. Drs feel you are a liability, lets face it, its very difficult to get a dr to prescribe narcotics these days because of the DEA breathing down their necks. I don't know how much information you know about this problem. Its widespread across the country, its not limited to one area. But, you should not be punished either for being honest and you are to be commended for this. I have always said honesty is the best policy and I believe that. I urge you to continue to be honest about your medication and take it as directed. One thing you might do, now, this is strictly a shot in the dark, ok, but go to your pharmacy where you get your meds and get a printout of the medication. Take this to the drs so they can see you are being honest. Since you are getting it from both as you explained, who knows they may be thinking. They may be getting scared that you are going to try and double dip by getting it from both at the same time. Your print out from the drug store is your proof. Make an appt w/them and sit down and be very candid with them and explain you are doing your very best to be a compliant patient and you understand that they have a right to be somewhat leery-but the bottom line is you still deserve to be treated appropriately. Tell your dr you have no problem getting all your meds from one dr, that it makes it much easier for everyone. Just don't get mad, its not going to get you anywhere. Drs see people every day walking in trying to get narcotics, in many instances its drug seekers, and all that does is put a sour taste in the drs mouth and we the chronic pain patients in many instances are the one that catches the brunt of this problem, by being under treated by these drs.
 
Is there a large town close to you that does not involve driving long distance? A teaching hospital may be a good place to start. Have you thought about asking your dr to ref you to a pain mgt dr if there is one in your town? Pain mgt drs are much more well versed in treating chronic pain than our PCP's. They know and are more up to date on medications sometimes, they may use a combination of medications, its just some thoughts here.
 
You are one tough lady to have managed your addiction issues. Don not let chronic pain be the booger to knock you back into that life, you have come way too far to ever go back. Keep pushing forward. Its hard, very hard mananging a life with chronic pain and other health issues  popping out there right along with it. Perhaps the nurse at ER could give you some names of places in a bigger town that may have the drs on board that you need.
 
Keep posting and letting us know whats going on. We aare all here for you. Hugs....Susie


Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2280
   Posted 1/19/2009 11:54 PM (GMT -7)   
savkelchr said...
Im really struggling with my sobriety to just go get pills or meth illegally. Im so fed up with my life in general I just want to walk away form it all.


Gwen,
Please do take PALady's advice. She is a very wise lady. Especially the part about finding an NA meeting. You really do have enough to try to deal with as it is without having to cope with an active addiction on top of it all. There are good people at NA meetings. They can help you stay sober. You're right that there are a lot of things you can't control right now, but that is the one thing you can choose.

Once you've chosen to fight for your sobriety, you can start looking for low cost or free options for medical care. A great site for that is www.pparx.org. They can refer you to programs where you can get free or very low cost medical care & prescriptions. In my case, I found a program that lets me pay $20/year and have doctor's visits for $5/visit and name brand prescriptions for $18/month or generics for $3/month. I don't know what's in your area but perhaps you could find something similar or even better. Stick with it! I know it seems hard but it is worth the fight to handle things the right way. Hopefully once you get your kidney stones treated & your diet under control things will start looking up for you. :)

good luck!
frances

savkelchr
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 1/20/2009 11:23 AM (GMT -7)   
I want to thank everyone for the replies. I am feeling better today. Im thinking the new medicine is really playing with my moods. Im also noticing to be very shaky today. I also want to reassure everyone that I am not suicidal. ANd I did call my sponsor last night and again today.

I also am keeping a record of how I feel physically and mentally at different times during the day. I make notes on questions that I want to ask and for the replies made here and on my other thread.

Today, I am going to go to the local humane society and do a little community service an play with the puppies and kittens. I love that.

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 1/20/2009 12:10 PM (GMT -7)   

Savkelchr, I'm glad you are feeling somewhat better today and keeping in touch with your sponsor.  You might ask your GI doc to prescribe something different for pain (narcotic) if the meds you are taking are not doing the job.  Sometimes it takes trying different drugs, or combinations of drugs, to hit upon something that will work for you long-term.  I used IV drugs in the 60s and have always been honest about that with my doctors.  My PMD took 10 yrs. before she trusted me enough to give me more than a 30-day supply of pain meds (no refills.)  There are doctors that specialize in pain management, and while you may need to go to a larger city to find one, it might be worthwhile.

Stress causes even more pain and makes it seem unbearable, so playing with the puppies is a great idea.  I know that petting my cats helps my BP stay down.

Hang in there!


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


bohuck2
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 196
   Posted 1/20/2009 3:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Gwen,
Please hang in there my friend. We are all here to try and help you get through whatever we have to. God Bless you and everytime you start feeling sorry for yourself, think of all of your friends you have here and please don't let us or yourself down. We love you my friend.  :-)
 
 
 
 
                                        Chuck the old man :>)
                                   AMWTP Training Instructor
                                          Idaho Falls, Idaho
                                  Diagnosed with PPMS May, 2006
                                   but still working at the present.         
                Tried just about everything there is for MS, including Tysabri
                               Waiting to start Cytoxin Treatments soon.


PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 1/20/2009 6:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, Gwen,
I'm so glad to read you are taking positive steps to keep yourself on track. It does sound like some of the medications might have made you feel depressed. You're doing well staying on top of it all.

Keep posting!

PaLady

savkelchr
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 1/20/2009 8:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you so much for the support! Really, It means alot. Thank you.
On the upside:
I did go do some volunteer at the humane society. I played with the puppies and the kitty's for 2 hours today. It was a good outlet for my emotional well being. Im not as depressed or should I really say I felt so much dispair last night.

On the down side:
My mood is somewhat stabilized. Im not so down that Im in tears as last night but Im not my usual relaxed self. I still have absolutely no motivation to do anythingeither. Not even simple things like taking a shower(but I foce myself to do it anyway), taking care of the constant needs of my 4yo, doing simple house work(Im usually pretty obssessive, so Im told) but I just dont care what goes on around me. I dont much care when the kids go to bed or what they eat. As long as I dont have to do it or get up. That is so not right for me. I get up at 6am with the kids and am usually busy busy busy till bout 11pm. I dont usually take off my sneakers till 10pm. Now Im lucky if I brush my hair or teeth. Yuck. Its like I have to FORCE myself to do anything.

Also aside from the emotional side of things, the physical isnt to great either. Everyday that I take these medicines, I starting to feel more and more pain. Im taking the medicine as prescribed. After getting out today for the few hours I did, Im really hurting and these meds arent doing much.

But lets face it, Im an addict. I may have 3 years clean but that still doesnt stop the addict cravings. I want my percocet. I dont want to hurt. And after being an addict for several years, the tolerance level is so high that they cant touch the pain with small narcotics anymore. And when I require such high doses for my tiny frame(Im 5'7" and weigh 110lbs), they think Im crazy. Sad thing is I was taking at least 3 of the 10/325 percocets every 4 hours. Thats alot. But it took away my pain. I didnt take it for the high feeling either. After taking it for so long you dont get any effect except pain relief.

After 3 years the tolerence is somewhat lower but not for long. It goes right back to where I left off. My doctor had his license taken by DEA for giving me so much and for selling scripts to kids. When I started seing this doctor I had no idea that he didnt know what he was doing. I lived in a town of less than 600 people and he was the only doctor close for me to see on a regular basis. He had me on the perc and would be mad if I tried to ween off. Told me it was part of the treatment. So I trusted in him and became addicted. When he lost his license, I turned to getting anything I could to relieve the pain. My parent were both users of meth and had cooks in my family. So it was so easy to become addcted. Getting high with your parents? Yeah what a great way to teach huh? Well I cleaned up with the push of law enforcment and child services. Its been 3 years now.

Wow, I really ramble. Didnt mean to post my life history but was just putting down my thoughts. I thought it could explain some of the addiction issues. Its so complex when I have a multitude of health problems that dont respond to a single dang treatment. The use of opiates has been the only source of pain relief. That and meth. But I WILL NOT go there ever again. I love myself to much for that and my kids too, and my friends here. So I am really hopeful that I will find a doctor soon. The one Im to see this thursday, I dont hold much hope for. But who knows, he just may be a godsend that Ive prayed for. I guess Ill see how he treats me and if he is patient enough to listen to all my issues and concerns. I understand he is on a schedule too but dont herd me like cattle in 10 minutes. I dont want to moo out the door. I still think that Id like to start with a pain management that also specializes in addiction also. I have done alot of research on the benifits of this kind of doctor.

Ok I will step off my soap box now.

PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 1/20/2009 8:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Gwen,
Yes, you're right to look for a pain management doctor who's a trained addictionologist, but that may be hard to find. The doctor who was selling scripts, though, didn't just not know what he was doing - he knew perfectly what he was doing re: selling scripts was illegal and unethical. That's different from maybe him not being as specialized in his knowledge as he needed. If you're still seeing him you need to stop.

I don't have time for a long post tonight, but remember genetics play a huge role in who becomes addicted, so you likely have that to contend with and you can't do anything about that. Methadone or suboxone may be choices for you, as they're used for pain as well as addiction treatment, but you need an specialist who knows what he/she is doing. And you shouldn't be on the percs with that. You were taking way too much percocet anyway, because the amount of tylenol you were taking (which is part of percocet) is harmful to your liver.

The neurontin and lyrica....if these are being prescribed by the doctor who lost his DEA license then I'd really question the combination. Plus, what type of pain are you trying to address? They generally address nerve pain - things like neuropathy, but not all types of pain.

Try to find out the background of this doctor you're seeing Thursday. Is he just a PCP or a pain management specialist? You need to at least start working with only one doctor for you pain needs. I know it's a challenge what with genetics that you couldn't help, as well as all the health issues with pain combined with addiction. But you're aware of things and staying connected to your 12 step program. Hang in there! If this doctor Thursday doesn't have knowledge of addictions, ask if he/she can refer you to a specialist who does. You may have to travel a bit, but it may be worth it to be evaluated by the right specialist, and then perhaps followed up by a doctor who's closer.

PaLady

savkelchr
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 1/20/2009 9:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh no.....I quit seeing him years ago! I even moved from the area to a slightly larger area. But I still think I need to go to St. Louis to get real help at Barnes.

And I just posted on my other thread here on the reason for the lyrics and others. I have no nerve pain. Its all in my abdomen and middle back. I have crohns in small intestines and IBD and spastic colon an the ever constant kidney stones. So I dont know what they were thinking. I also posted on the other thread the bad side effects Ive been having since I starte all this.

But anyway thanks for taking the time to reply back to me. Its late and I will be around tomarrow too.

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2280
   Posted 1/20/2009 9:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Gwen,
As far as the pain being completely gone, all I can share is my own story. Every doc I've ever seen, including the one I see right now who I really feel is a great doc, has told me that the purpose of pain meds is NOT to eliminate the pain, just to bring it down a little bit so that a person can minimally function. He always tells me that these are very risky medications & that while they can help with things like getting people out of bed & possibly moving around a little bit, that they should not be used to try to re-start former lifestyles. They do not treat pain, but rather cover it up. It is all too easy to cause further damage by medicating the pain away. As long as the pain can be ignored for 5-10 minutes at a time when a patient really works at it, he considers that to be a successful level of medication. He doesn't want his patients nauseous, dizzy or bed-ridden from the pain, but beyond that he expects any stronger relief to come from non-narcotic treatments.

IMO, it seems that usually people who follow those guidelines have fewer issues. I won't say it will be easy. Of course it's tempting to just want "even a few hours" of not being in crippling pain, and it's a great long-term goal to have, but I would gently suggest that you need to put it out of your mind that you can take a short cut to that goal by taking drugs, whether legal or illegal.

It sounds like you are a great mom. You are fighting an enormous temptation b/c you want to be there for your kids & I really respect you for that. Let some of that guilt go about not always being able to be as active when you're with your kids as you'd like to be. Everyone has their own difficulties & the important thing is that you are there for your children and are setting a good example for them. :)

take care,
frances

Chutz
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 9090
   Posted 1/20/2009 10:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Gwen,

I just wanted to tell you that you are an amazing woman! Yep...amazing and wonderful. By sharing your problems out in the open you are helping so many others that never join or post (lurkers) let alone the members on Healing Well. You are fighting a battle non of us can be sure we're win and you are succeeding...one day at a time. Keep it up and always feel free to email, if only to just chat.

Hugs,
Chutzie
Co-Moderator Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Forums
~~~
Fibromyalgia, Ulcerative Colitis, Insulin dependent diabetic, PTSD, dermatitis herpetiformus, osteoarthritis and a few other side dishes.
***************
Happiness is something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for."


Mamaw
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 1/21/2009 7:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Gwen:

Is it possible that the opiates are causing some of your flairs of pain? I know this sounds strange unless you read about the possible side effects of them. Do a search on Illeus. Spelling may not be correct. The short of it is that opiates can stop intestinal movement and cause pain even into your back. I get this every time I take them. I have Addisons with 3 years of chronic diahrea that goes with it, but if I take opiates the Illeus starts, blockages, inflammation, and much pain.

Lynn
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