When the heartache won't go away.

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Scarred_for_life
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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1559
   Posted 2/9/2009 2:17 PM (GMT -7)   
I have just been in such a funk lately that I am so sad and so broken hearted because of losing my dad that it just seems like I can't get up the strength to do anything. Several things around my house remind me of my pop....I made mom and dad a 18th year anniversary present years ago where I took a round mirror and in my photography class at the time, we were learning to etch into glass. So I etched a rose into this mirror and it has a ribbon at the top that flows down either side of the rose to the bottom of the glass. Well my dad had it in a macrame table that mom had made for many years and when the threads on the macrame finally broke dad gave me the mirror so that it wouldn't get broke and so that I could do something with it. I still can't look at it without crying so it is wrapped in tons of paper in a corner of the living room and I know some day I will have to figure out something to do with it before it gets broke. Little things like this I just cannot stand to touch or look at...pictures...a video of our wedding where my dad proudly walked me down the isle.....I just can't see these things yet cause I know the minute I do I will cry my eyes out. I haven't even deleted his phone number out of my cell phone. I guess cause I know it means that to me that means he is gone....lost forever and I don't want him to be gone yet. It just hurts so much to think that sooner or later I am going to have to let go of what is left of my physical attachments to my dad and leave it all behind.....putting them all into memories that someday I might forget myself. I feel like I can't breath....like I just want to take my pillow...grab my son's teddy bear that he gave me for those times when he told me to hug when I missed him the most and hold it so tightly and just cry. I don't think I've really truly let it all go yet but I don't think I know how to.

Hugs

Scarred
What doesn't kill us only makes us fight back harder! :P


jenpen400
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 117
   Posted 2/9/2009 2:56 PM (GMT -7)   
I so feel for you. My dad is dying and when I see something he did or gave to us it just makes me cry and he is still with us. Right now I'm just a basket case. I'm wishing you the time to care for yourself. Hugs, I'll be crying on your shoulder soon.

jennifer
Chronic pain, anxiety, PTSD, and Depression. Norco Soma Ambien Xanax Tramadol and Prozac.


kara487
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Date Joined Mar 2008
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   Posted 2/9/2009 3:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Scarred,I am sorry for what your going through. I just want to let you know your in my prayers. I also know the loss of losing someone you love . I lost a child. so I do know what you are going through. (((((hugs)))I am so sorry about the loss of your dad.
Percocet,ambien,elavil,reglan , neurontin,zyrtec and soma.
 
spinal conditions: Scolosis,herniated discs,spinal blockage,Spinal stenosis,bursitis ,Fibro,and arthritis


straydog
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Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 13451
   Posted 2/9/2009 3:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Scarred,
 
Honey you are going thru the grieving process. Don't worry about when or what you will do with the mirror. For now just put it up so that is does not get broken. There will come a time when you will know exactly where you would like that mirror to go, but for now no, put it up. People grieve in so many ways, there is not one set of grief rules, its a very indivual thing. When I lost each one of my parents it was such a rollercoaster ride of emotions. I would be crying one minute, mad the next, I mean it just happened out of the blue. But, you do need to allow yourself this time. I remember sometimes I felt so cheated. But, then when I started really getting into the funk I would call my sister and her & I would do go down memory lane, we would both be laughing and crying. It helped, mabe you can talk to your sister to see how she is handling things. One word of caution, don't allow yourself to do nothing but sit and think about it, that will drag you into a hole that you really do not need to get in. Remember, you do have some really important thing coming up in the future. Lets try to channel some energy that way. I am not saying don't grieve, not at all its perfectly normal. I know I was hit with so many emtons and I was really in a tail spin.
 
If you are ever out near a book store please go in and ask if they have this little paper book called "Good Grief". This little book is just pricelss, I told you about my friend giving me a copy when I lost my Dad. Someone she knows gave her a copy when she lost her Mom suddenly. This little book helped me understand all the emotions I was goling thhru cause I really was having a very difficult time. I was the baby of the family and I was very close to my Dad. I fought so hard for him during 6 months of hospitlaizations and heart surgery, only to lose him to a sudden unexpected mass heart attack the day before he was to be released to go home after weeks and weeks of being in the hospital. My Dad had his aortic heart valve replaced and an myriad of events took place from that point including kidney failure. The nurses was over medicating him and keeping him out of his mind, he was halucinating and finally his dr said they just could not continue to keep him in the hospital any longer. I am not going to go into all the hell we went thru with that hospital.My Dad received horrible care the entire time he was there. They told me I needed to put my Dad in a nursing home. When the dr told me that I lost it it. I knew what was wrong with my Dad and I knew I had to get him out of that hospital to prove it. So, I put in a call to a very good friend that was a neurologist. I explained everything that had happened in the previous 4 weeks. He in turn called in a favor to a friend at the Health South in patient Hospital. They sent a nurse liason to the hospital to do an evaluation to see if my Dad was a candidate for their hospital and he was accepted. My Dad was in dire need of extensive rehabilitation, he had been left laying in a bed after open heart surgery with no rehab of any kind. The only thing the the nurses did was make sure they kept my Dad knocked out or out of his mind. I got to noticing all the patients on that floor were elderly people and these people were always sleeping. I cannot tell you how many times he fell out of the wheelchair, he fell cutting his head open. I have to stop there. 
 
Anyway, the head dr put my Dad thru a very extensive evaluation and he called my brother & I in to discuss his findings. The very first thing out of his mouth was he found that our Dad had been over medicated at the hospital. I  knew this all along because the nurses were giving my Dad shots of Haldol and it made him crazy. He was one that did not tolerate medications well either, I got that from him,. He hallucinated and talked crazy on this drug. It is suppose to have a sedating effect and they gave him this crap. I ended up screaming at his dr that he was to remove this medication from his chart because of the nurses using it extensively on my Dad. The nurses had authority to use it at their discretion. They took my Dad off of all medications that he had been on except for what he needed for his heart condition and such. My Dads legs had become extremely infected from where they removed veins for the bypass surgery, it was a mess getting those healed up. I want you to know that within 3 days of being at Health South and being taken off all the medications they had him on, his mind cleared up. My Dad knew who he was and he knew who me and my brother were. Now, he had no recollection thank goodness of all the hell from the other hospital.
 
My Dad lost what kidney function he had from the dye used to do his heart cath. His kidneys shut down and he had to put on dialysis three days a week. Health South did not have dialysis machines at their hospital; so 3 evenings a week I took my Dad from there to an out patient facility for his dialysis treatments. He did great and they packed him a sack lunch to take to dailysis since he would be missing dinner at the hospital. I cannot begin to tell you what good care my Dad received at Health South. He just blossomed under the care there. He started having some kindey function to return. His kidney dr said he had about 15% that returned and he was going to take Dad off of dialysis. My Dad lived 11 days after that. His kidneys started shutting down again and his numbers were all over the place and he had a massive heart attack induced by kidney failure. I wanted to kill his kidney dr for not tapering my Dad off of the dyalysis. I felt in my heart if he had done that my Dad would not have died. I was at work when Health South called and said my Dad was enroute to the hospital by ambulance, they would not give me any further information. His kidney dr was there at the hospital and when my Dad was gone I will never forget the look on his face when he came in the family room and he was so shocked. Of course I was nuts at this point it took me quite awhile to connect all of this together. I knew alot of medical conditions and such but kidneys were totally greek to me. I knew nothing about kidney problems. I guess for about a year I was really a mess over my Dad's death. I had a very difficult time dealing with the loss.
 
Its such a hard thing for kids to have to deal with losing a parent. I lost both of mine within 18 months of each other. Allow yourself time to grieve Scarred but don't let yourself become consumed with it, I did. Its just not healthy. But, you also have a set of rotten circumstances dealing with your brother too and that has alot of bearing on your feelings too. So don't be hard on yourself ok. Your Dad made the decision on what he and who he wanted caring for him, that was totally out of your control honey. There is nothing you could have done about that decision it was not yours to make. Please no more beating yourself up over that, you had no control over that situation at all. I am sorry I have written you a long post but I thought if I did it would help you understand some of the things you are feeling cause its all new to you.
 
I will stop here,lol. Lots of gentle hugs coming your way.......Susie


Scarred_for_life
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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1559
   Posted 2/9/2009 7:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Susie and all; I want to thank you all for your posts they really comfort me today. There are days when everything seems fine and I can go about my day with little or no crying at all. Then there are days like today where all I wanna do is cry. I guess a lot of it is I feel like I should have been there more for him through the years but, my dad was very "Old school" always believed that the women should be sheltered and protected against stuff like this. He thought that us girls couldn't handle such grief but I think we are doing pretty good with it all under the circumstances. Then there are times when I blame my brother for sucking the life out of my dad and not getting him to do more. I think at times that if he would have had more incentive he would have gotten out of the house more and we would have had him longer. But then after wards I feel so guilty for thinking this that I cry too for that. It's just a whirlwind of emotions that are hitting me all at once and I've never been through this before so its all new to me. My sister seems to be going on without dad, of course they were not very close through the years and its understandable that she feels that she wasn't a big part of dad's life. Sad really that she was closer to our uncle (mom's brother) then her own father and I blame both of them for that as well as mom because each could have done their part to make an effort to tighten the relationship between the two. Mom really downed dad after the divorce and my sister took that to heart a lot throughout her life and dad didn't try to see her much and sis didn't either.

The whole situation with my brother I've pretty much put out of my mind and decided that if this is what he has decided to leave his sisters to think of him then that is up to him. He is the one that will have to live with this the rest of his life and if we do not mean that much to him then that is fine with me....at least I know where I stand and now can keep my mind on what I need to on my end. As for my mourning I know I have to go through this process and I thank you Susie for reminding me not to dwell on it. If I do it will drive me insane I know and that I do not want...I don't want this to drag me down into an abyss that I cannot get out of. I have too much at stake here with my Evaluation coming up and getting (hopefully) ready for the SCS to be placed. I have to remind myself that dwelling on my dad's death 24/7 just is not healthy and that I need to live that is what dad would have wanted me to do.

Anyway....just took my meds and I am waiting for them to kick in. Got a really good hot flash going (god I HATE Menopause!!!!) so I turned on the fan to cool me down and I'm ready to head for bed.

Hugs my dear, dear friends. May you all sleep well and have a LPN. :-)

Scarred
What doesn't kill us only makes us fight back harder! :P


straydog
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Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 13451
   Posted 2/9/2009 7:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Yes, lets get you geared up for the psych eval and the trial on the SCS. I am so excited for you and I do truly hope it works. But from what I read its a matter of getting the leads placed where the need to be. That seems to be an odd piece to the puzzle.

You know I just knew in my heart when you told us what the dr wrote to the ins company, I knew this dr would go to the mat to help you in any way possible. I don't know why its so hard to get a dr these days to take a real interest in the patient, its a rarity for sure.

My Mom lived in Kansas in a town called Garden City. I think it was kind of southwest Kansas. I too lived in Kansas a short time, maybe a year or so. It sure was flat there,lol...Susie


Scarred_for_life
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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1559
   Posted 2/9/2009 7:43 PM (GMT -7)   
That is what I am gathering from what I have read too Susie. Placement of the leads is the key in making the stimulator really work for any patient. My sis-in-law has one and she swears by hers...tells me that it is the best thing that ever happened to her. I truly believe that whatever my doctor said to Workers Comp was something that made lightbulbs go off in their heads because they did a complete one eighty from their usual negative attitude towards this treatment. Like I have said before the last two Evals were WC ordered...I saw who they wanted me to see and they usually go on the side of WC. But this time it is totally independent no influence by WC so maybe just maybe we can get this pushed through and we can get some relief so that I can give you guys some tips on how to deal with much of the red tape that we have to go through. Hell gang I'll be your advocate going to Congress and the Senate trying to push them to try some new procedures for you all how does that sound?

Susie Garden City is about 120 miles from where I live to the west. I'm thinking a nice trip over sometime when your down that way for coffee? ha ha ha

Hugsssssssssssssss

Scarred
What doesn't kill us only makes us fight back harder! :P


PAlady
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Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 2/9/2009 7:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Scarred,
Grief is so complicated, and there is no one route, like Susie said. Cut yourself a lot of slack and don't worry about the mirror or anything else right now. It's too soon. Put things safely away in a box or container and one day you'll be ready to look at them, make decisions, etc. There's no need to make hasty decisions in your case.

I do wonder if talking to a grief counselor could help you, especially with the upcoming SCS eval. That it might help process some of the more intense emotions. Just a thought.

But we're always here. I hope you get some sleep tonight!

PaLady

Chartreux
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Date Joined Aug 2006
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   Posted 2/10/2009 12:46 AM (GMT -7)   
Here take my shoulder and lean on me, you'll get through this in time,
wish I had magic to help you, cause I would, but for now, cry when ever you want,
just keep the tissues near by...
hugz and more and more hugz....
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Pamela Neckpain
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Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1821
   Posted 2/10/2009 1:34 AM (GMT -7)   
In some ways, you are blessed.
When my dad died, I didn't cry.
Pamela

Scarred_for_life
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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1559
   Posted 2/10/2009 2:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Pam if it isn't too personal....can I ask why you didn't cry? If its too hard to talk about or none of my business just tell me and I'll butt out. You know what is really weird? When my youngest son was 7 years old he got real sick and I had to come home from work to take him to the hospital. We were there for several hours before they finally let us go with a diagnosis of severe croup. Anyway my son was real scared and they gave him this little bear that he named "Squishy" cause he told me it felt all squishy inside and soft. Well....he's had the darned thing for years and when he left to go to Wisconsin he left it behind telling me "Now mom when you feel blue or miss me just a little more then normal you cuddle up to Squishy and he will make it all better." Something about this stupid bear has really got a calming effect to it. I know that may sound lame but, I feel calmer and more happier when I've got the bear in my arms. Isn't that strange or am I losing my darned mind?

Hugs

Your friend and what is left of her mind

Scarred
What doesn't kill us only makes us fight back harder! :P


Pete trips again!
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Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1899
   Posted 2/10/2009 5:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh Scarred, You are not losing your mind and thats not strange at all. My Dad died in 1973 of prostate cancer at the age of 51 and I still have a pair of his socks in my sock drawer. Way back when I put them in there, every time I saw them I would cry, but over the years it has suddally changed to a smile or chuckle every time I see them. I'll even stop what I'm doing and talk to him for a minute sometimes w/ a laugh and sometimes w/ a tear. It was just a way for me to heal. So everything that you are feeling now will slowly change. I beleive this is just the way we works
Hang in Hun,
Your Bud,
Pete
55 years old, Surgury, Radical Prostatectomy 8/20/03, PSA 6.6, Gleason 3 + 3 = 6, Adenocarcinoma extent (moderate) Stage & Margin:T2NOMX, No Metastases, Organ Confined, bone scan: Neg. 3 1/2 years of depression after surgery prior to Hypogonadizm DX, Testosterone Theropy (Testim Gel)since 12/06 but switched to a higher dose of (Androgel) 6/08. 55 and still alive and so glad to still be here to see my two sons grow up to be fine young men. They are both serving in the US Navy, one on an aircraft carrier heading for Hong Kong and the other on a Gator Freighter stationed in Norfolk, Va. I am one proud PaPa! 


straydog
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Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 13451
   Posted 2/10/2009 12:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Scarred you are so right honey, you are on an emotional roller coaster right now. Anger is good to as it is a part of grief. I had alot of anger when I lost my dad/ Just like when you feel like having a cry-do it and get it out of your system and be done with it for the time being. Please don't make the mistake I did, stop kicking yourself for hit s, that and another. Your Dad had thing set out the way he wanted it. If you had tried to hover around it may not have been very good, but you must stop blaming yourself. I blamed myself heavily for my Dad's death and for over a year I was a mess. I ended up quitting my job of nearly 18 yrs, shortly thereafter my mother was dx'd w/lung cancer and I brought her to Tx so I could get her the care she needed. It was a very difficult time in my life for sure.

I hope so badly that the trial for the SCS is a success for you. Thats awesome that your sister-in-law has one and it helps her. She will be a wealth of good info for you too. Its always better getting the info up front from someone that actually has one.They know the ins & outs with those things. Its a shame the previous drs didn't write your ins co a scathing letter, but then there is a reason for that not happening too. I think this new dr is really interested in helping you out and getting some of this pain under control. I think nerve pain is just about one of the worse type of pain that there is.

Just remember we are all here for you............Susie


Scarred_for_life
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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1559
   Posted 2/10/2009 1:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Susie; I agree totally and I have decided that I am going to let it go right now. Whatever my dad had decided to leave in his will was his decision and that is beyond my control. There is no use in dwelling on something that I have no control over, I have much more important things going on right now then to dwell upon that. For one there is the Psych Evaluation coming up and if that goes the way that I so desperately desire it to go I will have the trial to concentrate on. Then if that goes well I have the surgery to put the stimulator in to concentrate on and then healing in time to attend my sister's wedding. I have to be there for that!!!! I'm her Matron of Honor and gee no wedding can get off the ground without its Matron/Maid of Honor! That's in May so I have lots to do before May and I promised my sister that I would give her plenty of notice if I was not going to be able to make it so that she could replace me. She was a little disappointed that I might not be able to make it but she understands that if it comes down to either attending her wedding or ridding myself of some of this pain that I've been plagued with for the last 9 years that I will do what I have to. She told me "Sis I'd rather see you decreased on your pain a bunch then to have you standing there beside me in gobs of pain and knowing that you put your surgery off to accommodate my wedding plans. So do what you gotta do." God I love her so much!

Anyway......I'm hoping that things will work out that I will be approved for the stimulator before the end of March.....have the trail before the middle of April and have the whole thing done before the end of April so that I can attend her wedding the middle of May. Of course I won't be able to fly like I had planned and hubby will have to drive me out but.....he won't mind and told me that if it comes down to it that won't be a problem. God he dotes over me.....kinda like a momma bird dotes over her baby birds LOL.

Hugssssss alll

Scarred
What doesn't kill us only makes us fight back harder! :P


Pamela Neckpain
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Date Joined May 2008
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   Posted 2/10/2009 1:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Scarred ~
I didn't have the great dad that you guys did.
I really didn't even like my dad.
I don't think that's a real unusual situation ~
just a sad one.
Pamela

skeye
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Date Joined Mar 2008
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   Posted 2/10/2009 2:38 PM (GMT -7)   
((((((Scarred))))))). Death is just awful. Unfortunately there is no easy way to handle it & it takes a great deal of time to accept. I wish I could do something to ease this process for you, but the best thing that I can offer is time (and virtual hugs!).

I've been reading a book about death for one of my classes this past week & it is really NOT what I need to be reading right now. Honestly, who would read a book about dying (minus the spiritual/emotional aspects) for fun? This book is supposedly a national best seller.

Skeye

Scarred_for_life
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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1559
   Posted 2/10/2009 3:06 PM (GMT -7)   
awwww I'm so sorry Pam. I know my sister's relationship with our dad wasn't exactly a good one either so I can understand your thoughts. Hugssss


Scarred

Skeye; Susie suggested a book way back yonder and I actually found it on the net and bought it. So I will be reading that one as well. I think if I try to make to much sense out of this it will just drive me insane so on those bad days I just cuddle to my son's bear and cry and on those good days I go on. ;-)

hugssss

Scarred
What doesn't kill us only makes us fight back harder! :P


skeye
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Date Joined Mar 2008
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   Posted 2/10/2009 7:43 PM (GMT -7)   
The book Susie suggested makes sense though. The coping/emotional/spiritual books are okay, but this one is just depressing, it talks about all the things that kill you & then provides lovely examples of exactly how people die from them & what they went through in the process. So I would not suggest this one.

Skeye

Scarred_for_life
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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1559
   Posted 2/10/2009 8:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh yikes!!! Not something I want to read LOL. I'm already depressed enough as it is. I think the one that Susie recommended was more consoling and taught how to deal with the grief step by step. That is what I need to do.

Hugs wishing each of you a peaceful slumber.

Scarred

P.S. Susie? How long after the Evaluation did you know you were approved?
What doesn't kill us only makes us fight back harder! :P


ryand
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Date Joined Dec 2007
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   Posted 2/10/2009 8:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Scarred:

I haven't had the energy to read all of the replies here, so I apologize if I repeat something someone else has already said. I know the pain of losing a parent, and my heart goes out to you. I wish more than anything that I could reach out and take the ache from your heart. As I read your post about the grief you are feeling, I was struck by the wonderful memories you have of your father. The awful paradox of loving someone is that the more of your heart you give to someone the more it hurts when they are gone.

I know it seems scary to think about "letting go" and releasing some of the pent up emotion you've been holding back for so long, but you need to give yourself permission to do just that. Get that teddy bear and your dogs close by and maybe sit down to watch a "chick flick" movie with the hubs. The release will come, and here's the hard part... let it come. Tell your husband before you even start the movie that you just need a good cry and his job is to hold you and not say a word - just to let you cry until your soul finds the rest it needs.

Most of all, know that we'll be here for you too. I'm sending lots of hugs and a friendly shoulder to lean on your way too.
Ry

Scarred_for_life
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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1559
   Posted 2/11/2009 1:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you so much Ry. You don't know what help your soothing words have done for me. I have missed you soooo much. The weird part about it is........I know in my heart its closing in on the time when I must let him go. I'm not scared I feel like this is right and that its something I have to do in order to move on.

Anyway...my eyes are getting heavy again so I am going to close for now.

huggggggs

Scarred
What doesn't kill us only makes us fight back harder! :P


PAlady
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Date Joined Nov 2007
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   Posted 2/11/2009 9:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Scarred,
Don't force a "tiime" to let your father go. It will happen naturally, and in some ways you'll never let him go nor do you need to. I read once that "death ends a life not a relationship." My father died in 1982 and I still tear up when I go into card shops around father's day. But the intensity isn't there as it once was.

I drove my father's car around for awhile after he died. My mother told me I could have it if I wanted it. For awhile I literally felt like his spirit was wrapped around me when I drove it, yet I knew the car was too big for my needs. And it just wasn't "me". But I hated to let go of it because it was so much of him. Then one day I just got into the car and I no longer felt him there. I couldn't explain it, and it made me sad but it was in a weird way a release. I felt free to let the car go and I did. I used the money to put toward a car for myself. But it all happened naturally. There's no time frame. And it will come and go in waves. It's way too early now for you to worry about letting him go.

Take it easy on yourself.

Hugs,
PaLady

straydog
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Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 13451
   Posted 2/11/2009 10:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh Scarred, I am so glad you found my little book. Its such an awesome book, small thing, hit it all right on the head. You cannot believe how much that little book helped me. It made everything make sense that I was feeling. I did not understand alot of my feelings at all but once I sat down and started reading it, it all fell into place. Oh, I would go back reference the book many, many times over the months. It always gave me the edge I needed at the right time. When I lost my Mom to lung cancer I reached for my little book one more time.
 
Oh yes, this psych eval coming up, the trial and then the inplant of the SCS, whew, then a wedding on top of it,lol. Gal, I will tell you this, when you decide to do something, you do it, lol. Right over the top,lol. This is all really going to take some well thought out timing for each event. Whew, I am getting tired already,lol.  I think its great you will be the matron of honor for your sister. Hey, unless I missed something is there a particular reason you will not be able to fly?
 
I think I can fly with my pump however, the altitude may cause it to stop working temporarily, then it will reset itself from what I understand. Umh, not sure I would want to be on a plane starting to have withdrawal symptoms, lol might not be a pretty scene to say the least. But, wait, surely the dr would have a person take their orals to ward off the little green people.
 
The next time you and PA decide to go riding around with the top down give me a call. I love to feel the wind in my face. When we would take out boat out for the first time for summer I always told my husband I felt like the wind was blowing the cob webs off my brain,lol. I love to feel the wind hit my face in that boat.
 
I was on the side of the house the other day and found  a group of daffodills blooming. It was such a welcoming sight too. I planted tulip bulbs and crocus along my front walk and see some of the crocus coming up and maybe a tip of a tulip. I love tulips but here in Texas they have to be replanted every season because our winters are so mild they never go dormant for the winter. I have the hyacincths and easter lilies coming up too, can't wait, mabe spring is on its way.
 
My old golden retriever is on a new kick of getting up at about 3:30am and he wants to run in & out till it daylight. He started in this morning and got the other two roused up. The other two sleep in kennels at night. One of them is a 10 month old female golden that eats everything in sight, the other one is a two yr old Britney Spaniel that I do not trust either. Both have been very destructive pups. The female likes to drink out of the pool. She will lay down by the edge and stick her head under the water all the way up to her eye brows. My old golden boy use to do this in his water bucket-eyes wide open,lol. My animals are a great source of company and comfort to me. I guess these guys and girl are about as loyal to me as they can possibly be. Hope everyone has a lpd.....Susie
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               
 
 
.


Scarred_for_life
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1559
   Posted 2/11/2009 11:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh PA hun don't get me wrong there is no time frame that I am setting on this. Just something tells me deep inside that I am beginning to heal. I sat with the mirror in front of me on the floor last night and cried. Hubby sat behind me on the floor and held me and just let me cry. I told him that I wanted to put the mirror into a round frame and he said that he would get the dimensions and buy a frame for me to do that. Then it will go up on the wall. Wow what is going on with this post?? It keeps going instead if wrapping like it normally does. How weird. Must be something in the site today. As you can tell my thoughts are a little scattered today....I've not much sleep last night and been thinking about each one of my CPers out there, worried more like about each of you. Pa and Susie.....kara and Ry.....Pete and skeye......Char and Pam....kttn and Kitty and especially raindrop who's dad is still in the hospital and for jen who is dealing with her father dying as well. Each of you have a special place in my heart because you have in one way or another touched my soul with your stories of how you came into your pain or have given me more strength to keep fighting for a decrease in my pain because of your way that you are dealing with your pain, doctors and medical conditions. Each one of you make me laugh...cry.....sympathize with your situation and down right have considered you a friend in one way or another in the past year that I have been on HW and that is pretty darn special, as I don't usually open up to people very easily.

I can picture susie's garden filled with daffodils,hyacinths and other gorgeous blooms that make me want to fly out there and sit in her garden for hours smelling their sweet scents. I can't wait until spring Susie when I can take my raw front yard that right now is a plain palette of grass and trees and transform it into a beautiful yard filled with wonderful blooms. I plan to plant some wonderful flowers this year and put some baskets on the porch as well. I think with us CPers that if we have something to look forward to it makes the winter months so much easier to handle. Or at least with me it does. Anyway.....I'm rambling again.......back to my worries......I worry about all you. I worry about your pain. Is it getting worse?? Are you sleeping? Are your doctors doing their best? It's all in my brain and I think sometimes I worry to much LOL.

I worry about the SCS Evaluation. What if I say the wrong thing? Last time the psychologist caught me at a real bad time. I had just found out that my oldest nephew had been diagnosed with cancer. Lung and Liver and it was terminal....he was not going to get better. He was 25 years old, such a waste in my eyes. He had already lost his leg to this and now he was going to loose his life?? This was so unfair and I was angry and upset and it just all burst out at once. Everything that I had been holding back.....my mom.....my sister.....the way I was treated over the past 43 years........everything......just came out and it was as though a dam burst. Now I've just lost my dad. I'm scared to death that this is going to push me into the same direction that the last bad news did. I mean I think I got everything off my chest....but geez I thought I had before. I thought that I had no more issues that would bar me from getting through the Evaluation. Now I'm facing another evaluation and I wonder if any more demons are going to surface in front of the psychologist. I gotta tell you guys....I'm scared to death that I will end up screwing myself out of the last piece of relief that I have.

Anyway....I've talked enough. Sorry for the long post.

Hugssss and I hope you are all doing well.

Scarred
What doesn't kill us only makes us fight back harder! :P


straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 13451
   Posted 2/11/2009 4:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Scarred we are going to help you not go that direction. You did not have the HW family back then as your support group. You are going to get your little book & read it many times on & on and I promise it will help you. Then you & PA are going to flying arund in that darn red vete w/the top down. I am hoping yu girls will stop by and pick me up. Right now you are raw, your emotions are raw. Now its all going to scab over and heal. Remember an open wound is raw and it scabs over to heal and thats exactly what you are beginning to do. I know that baack there somewhere is some real funny moments with your Dad and I need for you to reach way back and grab ahold of a few of those memories and when you do, I want you to smile and laugh out loud. It hellps. My sister and I now laugh alot when we talk about our parents, oh some of the stories we dig up would just throw you for a loop. I need for you to the same and that way that wound can scab over ok? Lots of Hugs coming your way. Oh, and by the way, the pysch eval, yes you will pass it-turn your thoughts around please. You are trying to slide sideways on us, back upright please....Susie Whats up with our long thread anyway? Susie

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