CP and Personal Relationships

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fatherjohn
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Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 999
   Posted 3/18/2009 12:46 AM (GMT -7)   

I have been thinking about this issue as many of you have shared about how CP has changed your personal relationships. For those who are married it effects our spouse. It effects parents, children, other family members, boyfriends, girlfriends, significant others and close friends. It even affects pets as we can’t show affection to them the same way at times.

I end up going to bed about a half hour after getting home from work to lay down to deal with pain. I know my wife does not like the fact that she is downstairs and I am upstairs. If my daughter is home they both stay downstairs while I deal with the pain upstairs. After my wife comes to bed, I end up getting up so I will not disturb her getting to sleep. My wife is very supportive but I also know that this has changed her life as well. Everything we do has to be worked around MY CP. I could not ask for a better wife. For those who are single, divorced or not in a relationship, I don’t mean to in any way leave you out. How has CP affected you family or even your ability to have close friends? How have your relationships changed since the onset of CP?


Pamela Neckpain
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Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1821
   Posted 3/18/2009 2:05 AM (GMT -7)   
I have been blessed with a husband I don't deserve. He has never failed to rub my
back when I'm in pain. He's always believed the extent of my pain.

I don't think I could be the patient kind person he is if the tables turned.

My son lives is a distant state. Unfortunately, my chronic pain has wrecked our
relationship. It's involved so I won't explain ... I'll just say that the break exists.
It makes me sad.

The relationship with my daughter has changed. We're still close but I feel she holds
back her emotions. It's almost like she can't argue politics or fashion or any of those
fun things. She's too careful. I feel like my grandaughters 2 and 4 will never be
able to know the real me. I can't play hide and go seek any more. I can't even
pick them up.

I've left most of my old relationships. It's just too hard to explain chronic pain.
When I go to the doctor's office, everyone is so friendly and I'd "do lunch" with
some of them. The other reason I've lost relationships is due to our many moves.
I tell you, I understand hermits.

Chronic Pain is a mean illness.

Pamela

Scarred_for_life
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1559
   Posted 3/18/2009 2:30 AM (GMT -7)   
I have to echo Pam's feelings about my husband as well. Hubby is my rock. When I am at my worst he will do what he can to make me feel better or just be there to brush away the tears cause it's just too much for me to handle. Hubby goes with me to every appointment and shares his feelings with the doctors about my care. I guess that Pam and I are twins for at least this point :-)

My son's try to understand but they live miles away and I know its tough for them to try and comfort me when I am in gobs of pain. But I have found that my youngest when he is home will try like hell to help me out around the house or what not when I am down.

Hugs

Scarred
What doesn't kill us only makes us fight back harder! :P


Pete trips again!
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1899
   Posted 3/18/2009 6:15 AM (GMT -7)   
Great subject F.J. but I just can't go there right now! I'm at work this AM at least untill my Neurosurgeon apt. at 11:30am. As you may know, "There's NO Crying in Construction!" For that reason, I'm unabe to respond to your question right now because I fear it's gonna be a "gully washer"!!!! A real tuff subject for me! Maybe tonight if I'm not to rung out!
love Yuse Gize!
Pete
56 years old, Surgury, Radical Prostatectomy 8/20/03, PSA 6.6, Gleason 3 + 3 = 6, Adenocarcinoma extent (moderate) Stage & Margin:T2NOMX, No Metastases, Organ Confined, bone scan: Neg. 3 1/2 years of depression after surgery prior to Hypogonadizm DX, Testosterone Theropy> new 2/6/09> 400mg injections every 2weeks . 56 and so glad to still be here to see my two sons grow up to be fine young men. They are both serving in the US Navy, one on the aircraft carrier USS John Stennis in port in Japan and the other on a Gator Freighter USS Bataan stationed in Norfolk, Va. I am one proud PaPa! 


edt
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 773
   Posted 3/18/2009 6:54 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Fatherjohn,

I'm with Pete on this one, a gully washer for sure!  Today is too busy to start posting right now....here we go again....a much needed deep deep topic to discuss!!

Be back later.

XXOO
Patti


White Beard
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3610
   Posted 3/18/2009 7:06 AM (GMT -7)   
fatherjohn what an excellent thread you have started one that hits me dead center, I would like to post on this, ( I think) but right now I have an appointment I have to go to, and I need some time to think about this! I am not at all sure I am ready for this one!

You've started another Great Thread! Thank-You

White Beard
 

I'm Retired USAF, went back to school and became an RN, and now am on ful disalbility!

Degenerative Disc (affecting mostly the thorasic disc but all levels involved), C6/7 laminectomy/diskectomy& fusion, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!)

Medications: Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV


Momcares
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 3/18/2009 7:47 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear FatherJohn,

Hope I'm not imposing but I have a need to respond-my daughter was engaged to a guy then she was injured and after six months it was over with. She had not realized how much her relationship with him was so one sided-she had been doing everything he had wanted to do, with very little help from him, after her injury she just couldn't do it any more and then the verbal abuse started from him! I guess you can say she was lucky to find out how he handled his commitment to her "in sickness and in health" but I wish it had been a different way!  I hear the same "guilt" in your post that my daughter expresses when she can't do the things she wants to do with her son or with our family.  This is morbid but sometimes I think it would be easier for her if the pain was caused by something that people could understand, cancer, amputation, anything that could be seen --that is terrible isn't it? But at least then people would be reminded that she lives with her chronic pain 24-7 and just because they can't see it doesn't mean its not there!!

I need to tell you all that it is very important that you understand what your close family members are going through too-but I need for you to not feel guilty about it, so you can allow them to get help coping with their loss without hurting you more-you have to realize they have lost the same person you have-and you have to give them the freedom to grieve that loss without them feeling guilty about it.  There is an anger (not at you), a denial and an acceptance process that they have to go through too. As frustrated with the pain you are, they can be as frustrated because what ever they can do doesn't seem to help enough.

This is so complicated and I hope it doesn't sound selfish but this is something that I have not talked to my daughter about, don't know how too and probably never will-I am afraid she will take it the wrong way and I never want her to think I am not there for her.  Momcares

 

 


My daughter has been in chronic pain for seven yrs after a work related injury that caused neuropathy pain in her thoracic vertebrae area. She has tried physical therapy, she has had 3 failed neural stimulators surgeries 2 which were implanted directly into her spine, morphine pain pump that was infected during implant -caused her to go septic and needed to be remove-took a year to heal.On Bipap w/ oyxgen. Doc has tried neurotin, lyrica, hydrocondone,methadone, percocet, etc. all with serious side effects, now on MS Contin 30mg 4x daily for pain and morphine 15mg for break through pain and proxac 40mg for depression, worker's comp wants her to try Suboxone-been through too much,not sure it won't cause severe adverse reactions and pain doc doesn't think it is a good idea. Tired of fighting it all. Momcares.


Becoming undone
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 927
   Posted 3/18/2009 8:31 AM (GMT -7)   
I have an unbelievable Dear, wonderful husband who I wish had a better life. He is my rock...If it weren't for him nor my father...yet both of them carry the world on their shoulders. They care about everybody but themselves and it nearly killed my father (He just had bipass surgery this Thanksgiving)...yet I took care of my father and my Husband's father (he has been fighting throat cancer).

Maybe I am not so different from either and that is what got me into this mess. I was (am...been out of work for 2 years but am aching to go back...)a teacher who would stay 3 hours or more after school and spent lots of my own cash (cause I'm so make so much money as a teacher...ha ha)doing whatever I had to do. After about 5 years and keeping myself up with pills (immodium, nexium, malox, add infinitum all digestive pills you want), my body gave out.

My friends...hmmmmm...me I WAS very active. So were my friends. They have such a hard time understanding that I cannot be anything at this point (pollyanna here still hoping for remission). I get tired of the "are you feeling better today?" question. And in a way, I resent it...yet they are wonderful people. They have never had to look into the life of a person who is sick (heck most of them never even seen someone die as most of their grandparents are alive and well or live far, far, away). So what to we have in common anymore?

Now my MIL...she does not want to see...the Die hard Catholic who would help those in her congregation but not her own family (Aunt, son, brothers, sisters)...Her belief is that we would not be sick if we just...ate well enough...prayed hard enough...(well you get the picture)...

So my question to you fatherjohn(and others)...do you try to ease the pain of your family and friends and make yourself worse physically or otherwise?
"The earth laughs in flowers"

Post Edited (Becoming undone) : 3/18/2009 11:59:02 AM (GMT-6)


Pamela Neckpain
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1821
   Posted 3/18/2009 10:48 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Becoming,

I've been thinking about this subject. No one but my husband & doctor
know about my pain.

I tried telling my son. He totally refused to believe me and said I was
just trying to make trouble. OMG, you can imagine how THAT hurt. We
talked on and on. I said, "Call tomorrow. Let's see if we can get this
straightened out." He called. I was pleased that he'd called to apologize.

He said, "I have nothing to apologize for." You can imagine how fast that
conversation went downhill.

My daugher has never observed pain. She's never heard me talk about it
either. I want to protect her from it. I know she's as intuitive as I am
and it just doesn't take much for her to "get it."

I've known people like your MIL, Becoming. Will you please step on her
foot next time you see that old hurtch. After that, you can get all excited
and spill your coffee all over her Easter hat. (Make sure it's not too hot!
I believe lots of sugar will make it all sticky. And a lot of cream will make
it more difficult to clean off)

Pamela

Pamela Neckpain
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1821
   Posted 3/18/2009 10:50 AM (GMT -7)   
gully washer? confused

White Beard
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3610
   Posted 3/18/2009 1:26 PM (GMT -7)   
fatherjohn CP does change relationships you know we talked about how being men we are suppose to be strong and be the bread winners, and all that, and when one becomes disabled that all changes. Now I am only talking from a mans veiw point, when I say this, I am sure women also have feelings about this and it is probably is similar, but this is my view point! I know when I see my wife out working in the yard or doing what ever, I feel I should be helping, and especially if it is hard strenuous work, I feel bad seeing her doing that by her self, so I go out and try to help, she doesn't refuse the help or say anything, and I do stuff I shouldn't be doing and I have to stop because I hurt, the pain sets in, I don't say anything, after all I am the one that was doing it and I wasn't asked!. Anyway later on, I pay the price, and we all know what that is like! But beside the CP I also hear, " Your hurting aren't you?" "You know you shouldn't have been doing that stuff you know!" "Why do you always do stuff you shouldn't be doing" "Now your hurting!" " When will you ever learn?" I don't say anything to her I don't argue with her or anything! OK I know she is right I shouldn't have been doing that stuff! But she did not once refuse the Help or say right then when I first started that I should not be doing it! Just alway after the fact!
But yet, there are other things that as a man, one is suppose to be able to do, an I do enjoy doing it, but because of my back and disc problems, some of these activities sometimes might cause me to have severe pain and or muscle spasms, and since my wife is so concerned about me and she hates to see me get the muscle spasms and see me in such pain ( which by the way I have never complained about it) so she desides, that it is best for me, if I don't indulge in those activities. Without ever consulting or asking me how I feel about it! Yes CP does affect relationships, in so many ways! ...............That's enough for me!, I have said to much now, no more...

White Beard


 

I'm Retired USAF, went back to school and became an RN, and now am on ful disalbility!

Degenerative Disc (affecting mostly the thorasic disc but all levels involved), C6/7 laminectomy/diskectomy& fusion, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!)

Medications: Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV

Post Edited (White Beard) : 3/18/2009 2:39:49 PM (GMT-6)


PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 3/18/2009 1:48 PM (GMT -7)   
White Beard, Fatherjohn and everyone,
This thread is a painful for me to post to, for different reasons, but then pain is pain. Here I'm talking about emotional pain. I am single, no children, and even though I have a large extended family, it's not the same. A number of years ago, before I was injured, I tried to get back into dating even though I was in my early 50's. I had been hurt emotionally from a previous relationship and spent a lot of my 40's alone, mostly by choice. Now I regret having isolated myself for so many years, but I did have a few friends. Even they are gone now, and I don't have to explain to anyone here why that happens with CP. I've grown tired of explaining. Even with family that occurs...events I really want to go to, knowing it will cause more pain. And trying to make decisions about when to take on that risk and extra pain anyway, because something is worth it, and when it's not.

I just got an e-mail from an old high school classmate. She married, healthy, etc. and is coming to town for our high school reunion. Wants to know if I'm going. Would love to see me, blah blah blah. Sorry for the sarcasm, but I don't feel like explaining it all to someone I might see every few years. And I live in a small town and have lost enough of my privacy. So I don't want to tell people 'how I'm doing'. And I know it's selfish but I don't want to see how well they're doing with their relatively "normal" lives. I know everyone has problems, but those of you with a supportive spouse have no idea how lucky you are! But now I don't even have the energy for a new relationship - physical or emotional. This relates to the identity issues, also, because it's having to make some peace with the fact I may be alone, in pain and in poverty. Yes, my cousin, thankfully, is about my age and maybe in time we'll live together. But to move in with her now would mean losing everything - she has a small 2 bedroom apartment and there's not even room for her stuff. i'm getting off track here. But this topic does relate to the present, and the future. I know it's best to not think about the future, but there's grief involved in not only what's been lost in the past, but what can never be attained. Oh, fatherjohn you've brought so many deep threads to us! Thank you!

Something I thought about when reading White Beard's post was that I saw Montel Williams on Oprah yesterday. He's got a new book out called Living Well Emotionally (I think), and he was very open about his pain and how it affected him. He said that even when he was doing his talk show people thought he looked ok, but no one saw how he went backstage during every commercial break to sometimes scream or cry to deal with the pain. And that some commercial breaks were extra long because of that, but viewers would have never known why. Then he said something that we all know, but it was the way he said it that struck me. He said in our society illness is perceived as weakness, so if you don't appear weak you don't appear ill. People can't compute that you can "look" strong but still be ill, in pain, etc. I think thiis applies even more to men than to women because of the way we're often socialized, but we all get a dose of it.

Ok, that's enough for now! I'll be back on fatherjohn's identity thread later!

PaLady

straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 13451
   Posted 3/18/2009 2:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Very good subject to say the least. I am married to a nearly 65 year old-old school type who had health problems before mine got bad. He chose his own route and decided drs had no clue as to how he should handle his health, in turn he has nearly killed himself in a period of 15 yrs. Its very hard watching someone you love become so self destructive, So, everything he used to do got turned over to me and he became very dependant on me. He seriously has reached a point he is unable to do much of anything. I actually have to put his shoes and socks on him every day. My story has a different twist but another person on here has crohns so she will know where I am coming from. Crohns was my first thing to pull the carpet out from under me. CP came in 6 months later to try and finish me off.
 
Husband with crohns; it can't be that bad, although I know you can' eat and keep liquids in you. But you need to eat & drink anyway. Hey lets go have Mexican food tonight. I don't like you taking that crohns medicine thats probably why you are sick. If you would stop taking all that medicine you would be just fine. Daughter & son understand no problems in that area. If I am invited to their home for dinner, very thoughtful, hey Mom what can I cook you can eat. My brother with whom I am close, well if you would eat right you would have no problems. Does not understand CP. Yelled at me Christmas to straighten up.
 
Husband & CP, I was a drug addict. Went behind my back and called both of my children and told them I was an addict. Get her off all those pills and she will be fine. Daughter worked as a pharmacy tech knew meds knew different. My daughter also knew of my pain issues for as long as I can remember and she understood. My son became very angry with me. I drew him & the husband full center court, just the two of them and I put them in a hot seat and educated them on medication. Then told my son to go and get online and learn about true addiction and then if he had questions to come see me-no don't call me, do this this the right way-face to face. No problems from him since. He is very excited about my new pain dr and the fact his Mom can stand up nearly straight most of the time. He knows my love for his little boy and how I have dreamed of playing with this little guy without spending 3 days in bed. Now, my son is almost protective of me.
 
Friends lost everyone of them except my two best friends. But thats ok, my time away from home is limited most of the time and they understand. They have carted me to more doctors appts and  admitted me to more hospitals than the law ought to allow. One took me to my Remicade infusions every 4 weeks for 3 yrs, we left my house at 6:30am and got back at 2:00pm, thats a friend. There is a great difference between a friend and an acquaintance. In reality, we really only need one good true friend, they are worth more than a 1000 acquaintances.
 
Like I said my husband is self destructive with his own health. His problems cannot be seen like an open wound so he does not get it. If I was standing in the kitchen & cut my hand on a knife he would understand why my hand hurts, he can see it. Alot of times because people cannot see an actual problem to them one does not exist. Thats his mind set.
 
In some ways I do believe since seeing my new PM doc and seeing the difference she has made in me, he has seen the difference in how I feel, how I am doing more things, being more active it has had some affect on him. I also feel because of his own health issues, the extent that he has depended on me, that he is scared when I get down. I am sure he thought who is going to take care of me. So, I think in many ways denial has been his big problem and fear.
 
He is not the man I married, I lost that man after he got sick. I have lived with 2 totally different men. The first man I was married to would have been very caring, supportive everything you would want a spouse to be in this situation. But that guy left a long time ago.
 
MomCares wrote an excellent post.....Susie


Becoming undone
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 927
   Posted 3/18/2009 2:45 PM (GMT -7)   
PAlady...I DO understand that I am incredibly and definitely unworthily lucky I am to have such a DH. I worry so much of what my DD is doing to him and his life. Like straydog, is this the woman he really wanted to marry? How did he become so unlucky, and what gods did he tick off that he ended up marrying me? I have no children (besides my hundreds of plants...and when/if I go back to work...my students). I do not want there to be ANY chance that I may pass this on.

You ladies (straydog, Palady, Ms. Neckpain, skeye, & forgive me soo many other) are soo strong. You all seem to support so many others. WOW!!! straydog...wish I could reach out and do more...but computer hugs and thoughts to the powers that be...alas, all I can offer...

As to the gentlemen, yeah, I agree, IMHO that they are not supposed to show emotion (except anger and maybe happiness) I think more men need to cry. Again, JMHO that a good cry can release some good brain chemicals and heck...my eyes and sinuses feel better too (after the inflammation has gone down).
"The earth laughs in flowers"


straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 13451
   Posted 3/18/2009 2:58 PM (GMT -7)   
I too think its wonderful we have men on our forum so they can put their perspective out there on how this disease affects men. They play a larger roll here than they realize I think...Susie


PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 3/18/2009 3:01 PM (GMT -7)   
I agree, Susie. Pete, Fatherjohn and White Beard (and I'm probably missing someone and I apologize) have added a depth and dimension I don't think we had on this forum and I for one, love it!

Hey, guys, wanna be my date? smilewinkgrin

Oops, let's make it a best male friend thing...don't want any wives angry with me!! smhair

PaLady

White Beard
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3610
   Posted 3/18/2009 4:51 PM (GMT -7)   
As per my previous post I often think CP has played a major part in the break up of my marraige! I know that there are many other factors that have led up to my pending divorce, after all I am the one that is filing, but only after exhausting every possible avenue of saving it, other than just staying in a loveless marraige and being roommates unaccountable to each other. And that I have lived like that now for to long a time already! As I have said to my counselor if I am going to be alone, I might as well be alone!

CP has changed me, and I let it isolate me, but it has also changed my wife, I don't know her any more, I do know, that right now I am the bad guy, I am the one filing for divorce, and I am turning my wifes life up-side-down! But I am also turning my life up-side-down, and like I told my counselor this morning, I can tell my wife that I just can't live like this anymore, but I can't and I won't and I refuse to tell her that this is all her fault, that I have tried everything to save this marriage, and she would not help, she would not go to counseling with or without me, she wouldn't do anything to try and save our marriage! And that what make my decision hurt so D*** bad! Because I have tried and it is not something I wanted! Now at an age of soon to be 58 I am having to learn to unisolate myself, even though with my CP I really don't know if I want to! And I have to learn how to live a new life, a new life that scares me, and I am afraid, as afraid as I have ever been in my life.

White Beard

To add one more thing and perhaps clarify what I have said, The idea of being single again fightens me something fierce, it has been over 34 years since I have been single. and questions arise, Will I ever meet some one? Will I even want to? And if I did?  Who would want to be with someone with that suffers from CP? This last question is a very real and serious question! Will CP even make finding or being some one even possible? There is allot of unknown ground head, and allot of change, and none of this helps the CP either! If any thing is just make it worse! But I am a man I will suck it up, because that is what men  are suppose to do!


 

I'm Retired USAF, went back to school and became an RN, and now am on ful disalbility!

Degenerative Disc (affecting mostly the thorasic disc but all levels involved), C6/7 laminectomy/diskectomy& fusion, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!)

Medications: Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV

Post Edited (White Beard) : 3/18/2009 7:53:51 PM (GMT-6)


straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 13451
   Posted 3/18/2009 6:44 PM (GMT -7)   
WhiteBeard please don't beat yourself up over being the "bad guy" for filing for a divorce. I know I have been that bad guy too. There is always a bad guy in this scene. I am surprised at your wife not making an effort to help save the marriage. Normally when both are wanting to keep the marriage they agree to go to counseling. Marriage as you know can't last forever when its a one sided deal. That alone tells me alot and should indicate some thing to you Even tho you are willing to take the blame on the break-up forget it, it takes two to tango and it sounds like you have been the only one dancing. I am not convinced CP caused this marriage to end, may have been the final straw but there is more here. Sounds like your wife lost alot of interest long ago. You don't just fall in love & out quickly. All I can say is life is too, we have no quarantees and we are all entitled to some happiness.

Susie


Pamela Neckpain
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1821
   Posted 3/18/2009 7:39 PM (GMT -7)   
I wrote this long post. Can't even remember what I had to say. It's gone.
Maybe I pushed DELETE. Whoooo nose?
#&(@

Grrrrrrrrrr.

Oh yes, I remember: It had to do with a dramatic change in family dynamics just
today. It wasn't for the good. shakehead It was the "Only see them on holidays
family" Still hurt.

Post Edited (Pamela Neckpain) : 3/18/2009 8:42:06 PM (GMT-6)


fatherjohn
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 999
   Posted 3/18/2009 10:51 PM (GMT -7)   

My friends, I have been home from work only a short time. It is already 10:00 PM. I am tired, beat and not in a good mood. The pain has been more cruel than normal and there is absolutely no relief. I want to write so much to all of you. I don't have the energy to type much right now. I have another long day tomorrow and have to speak at graduation tomorrow night and celebrate with several of our students who have completed their first year at the school. When will a break come. 

Enough about me. Pete, I wish I could come over to your house and talk and cry together. Lets invite White Beard also. Time changes relationships and it either makes them stronger or more distant. When you add CP into the mix, a new dimention arises and for some it shows what true love is and how that is demonstrated. In other relationships, CP is like a giant wedge that keeps driving further and further causing the separation wider and wider. For some, like White Beard said and how I feel, guilt sets in when you can't do what you feel you should do. When someone else has to pick up your share of the load it eats at the very core of your being.

I don't know if it is the pain, the tiredness or the subject or all of it poured into a blender and whipped together, but I am having a difficult time. Yes a gully washer, a big gully washer. I am sure that later tonight when I have to get up I will be able to write more. I am sorry I can't address more of your comments but will try later. I think we will be on this thread for awhile. Thank you and Blessings until then.     


PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 3/18/2009 11:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Fatherjohn,
Let's all agree to not worry when we can't post, or can't respond to each comment. We know where we are all "at" so to speak.

These are some heavy topics. Needed and worthwhile, but heavy and I think one can go too deep too many days in a row and have difficulty climbing out. And you have all that challenging work.

just want to say we all understand. I have this feeling you're trying to take care of us too?? We want you to take care of yourself!

If you want to close your eyes and fly off on a magic carpet ride, we're all riding alongside.

PaLady :-)

Pamela Neckpain
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1821
   Posted 3/19/2009 3:21 AM (GMT -7)   
White Beard.

Hmmmmm? Rethink that divorce thing. Marriage is never great after many years.
It's not so romatic, or exciting. Your wife isn't as beautiful. I'm just gonna jump
right out and say turn around. Put your arms around her. Take an extra pill (or two)
whatever is safe for you.

Take that woman out to a meal. A really nice one. White Beard: She is slipping
through your fingers. You won't be depressed forever ... You never miss the water
till the well runs dry.

Bring her a pretty bouquet from the florist shop. Splurge.

You probably could find a partner in your doctor's office. I meet people in there.
Talked to a judge with a pace maker. Hey! I would have done lunch with him.
But who wants to dance through the hoops of a new relationship.

Get her back. She ain't perfect and neither are you.

Pamela

Ut oh, Ambien started to work...it's 3:21 am
MEDICAL CONDITIONS

Osteoarthritis all levels of spine right down to Coccyx,Spondilytis,Myofascial Pain
Fibromyalgia,Bulging Discs,Spinal Stenosis,Scoliosis,Osteopenia,Chronic Constipation
Carpel Tunel Syndrome, Attention Deficit Disorder,
Depression & Anxiety

Methadone for Pain, Xanax for Anxiety, and more, of course.


edt
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 773
   Posted 3/19/2009 5:45 AM (GMT -7)   

PA, Whitebeard, Straydog, Fatherjohn, Becoming, Pamela, Momcares and all!

I have been married 17 yrs. on the 28th...for 8 yrs. I was normal....by that I mean, work, play, clean and all the fun stuff.  In 2000 came the surgery....3 more years of working.  Right at the time I HAD to leave my job, my husband was in the process of starting his RE Appraisal business.  When I told him I couldn't take the pain anymore and needed to quit, he said please can you just wait a little longer!  I tried I really tried, but finally had to stop.  From that day forward our relationship changed.....as I've posted before, applied for SSD, spent most of my days in bed and began taking PM to control the pain.  I was devastated over my loss, I was now dependent on my husband, everything was out of my control.  I have worked since I was 12 NEVER was I unable to support myself.  I had already begun to say no to things that I loved to do. I spent 6 mos. grieving, spending most of the daytime in bed (from pain), got up cooked dinner, went back to bed.  Then I made the decision to move forward with life, and did find the strength and felt good emotionally! 

My husband is a very stoic man, who holds his emotions in, loves deeply, I always accepted that before, but I needed to hear his words of support.  We coasted along and 4 yrs ago his Dad died, he was of course grieving....about 6 mos after, I asked him if he was okay, it seemed to me he did not talk to me except when he had something negative to say.  After months of this, I confronted this and he told me that he thought he was fine over his dad, but that I had gone from 40 to 80 overnight.  Crying while he said this, I was devastated, I had no clue that he felt this way.  Alot of things were said, the bottom line was that we were going to work on our relationship.  I hate to even put this on paper (post) but its best said.  Lets say that I started to walk around on glass, all along I thought I was pretty positive about my situation, now I wasn't so sure.  The one thing I did have was a husband who cared and loved me no matter what my condition.  Now, I'm not secure in the one thing I felt safe in!  Right after his Dad died the RE market started to crash....so now we have Grief and now income is slowly decreasing. By December of 2006 we are living on our CC and my SSD.  He is working odd jobs to keep us afloat and I am feeling GUILT that I can't help our situation!  Just coasting along emotionally.......coast, coast, coast. Then Feb. 2008 his Mom passes away, we flew to Colorado with our 2 grown daughters.  We had a wonderful heartfelt talk and love was so strong!  We come home and he shuts me out, spends most of his day in our bedroom watching TV, business is nil and I feel he is grieving.  Picking fights over everything.  Finally I snapped and told him I could live on welfare in an apartment and be happier then living with him like this.  He told me he feels so alone, I told him he chose it to be like this, that he needs to go get help to deal with grief, over me and his parents.  He told me he loved me and did not want to lose me....so we coast along working on our relationship but I always walk around on glass.....after a Dr.'s visit and added issues, I am afraid to tell him....he listens, and says don't worry we'll get through this.....but I don't really feel safe because I went from 40 to 80 overnight.....the wierd thing is he tells everyone else how much he worries about me.....he told me recently that it kills him that he can't fix me.  I told him its not his job to fix me, just accept me and focus on the good in me.  So, sounds to me like CP has affected the one stable for sure thing I had going for me!

My children, one of my daughters calls everyday just to check on me and UNDERSTANDS the challenges I face everday.  My other daughter calls 3-4 x's a week and offers to go shopping with me, but never asks how I am, just talks around that subject which is fine!

I am very lucky to have 3 best friends, who let me talk about me when I need to and I know I am safe with them.

Overall, life is good...doesn't sound like it by this post huh?

XXOO
Patti

P.S.  We survived the last year because his Mom left us money....God does provide so never lose faith.  As of January...business is picking up..one less stress to worry about!

 


mom9mom
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 489
   Posted 3/19/2009 11:31 PM (GMT -7)   
How has C/P effected my relationships.It is hard to even begin to answer this question.Not only is it hard to put everything into words in my case it is still changing(I have only been a C/P for 14 months).First my husband has been just great before I was in such a bad place menially from depression that I could not believe that he loved me.How could someone love me so much when I hated who and what I had become.With all the love and care he has given me in the last 14 months there is no way for me to not know that he really love`s me.I have noticed that he has seemed upset with me in the last few months and I was thinking that maybe he was getting tired of taking care of me.But I did the smart thing for once and sat down to talk to him.Turns out that he was just feeling like my body was not improving any in the last few months and it is hard for him to think that this might be the best I am ever going to be for the rest of my life.But then I reminded him of just how far I have come in the last 14 months and that by all rights I should not be alive and he agree`s with me that it is great that I have came this far and if I never get any better then that`s O.K. It`s harder with my kids since I can not clean that much thay have to do all of the work that should be my job.My youngest is only 6 and it is hard that her mom can not play with her the way I did before,and that she can not crawl up in my lap anymore because it hurts me.She likes to crawl in my bed and watch T.V. with me she always ends up hurting me by bumping my right side were all of the damage is on my body.I can not relax because of it.My 15 year old is at that horrible age when even when your mom and dad are great you hate them so this just adds to the fire.Most of my older kids are just glad that thay still have a mom.Well that is more then enough about me.One thing I would like to add is always remember to talk to your loved one`s when you feel that something is wrong it just might be something you can fix and it might be something different then you think.
Lost half of my small intestineJan.2008.Ilieostomy for 5 months then reverst in June 2008,Nerve damage to right leg,part of my right hip bone removed Jan. 2008,Cronic pain,hernia,infection in my back called discites,and depression.Gallbladder removed Nov,2008.Surgery to fuse L3 and L4 vertabra Dec. 31,2008.Mother to 9 kids 7 boys 2 girls and 1 stepson.4 grandsons,9 grandaughters.4 of my grandkids I inherited from my twin sister who passed away 6 1/2 years ago from a blood clot after surgery.God has given me my life back after I almost lost it.Even though its a painful and sometimes hard road to walk I take it one step at a time and give thanks to god for every step I take.


Diggsy
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 3/21/2009 6:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Wow, it's so nice to know I'm not alone, and sad at the same time that we all have to suffer the way we do. Then, for me, I have the added "guilt" of wanting to get better and be "my old self" I dont want to be a burden so I push and push and get things done that I need to get done (most of the time) and then I end up paying for it with severe pain and being exhausted. I had a TKR two years ago, they put in the wrong size and I had to have a second one six months later. Since that time I have had constant pain. My husband and kids are supportive but I think half the time I wont let them be. I dont want to be seen as weak or hold anyone back from doing what they want to do. I never dreamed that my life would turn out like this. I was always active, an athlete for many years which led to the TKR, and to be so limited now it breaks my heart. I need help but am not sure where else to turn. Sometimes I think people question my "pain" because I seem so "normal." That hurts too because this isn't in my head, it is very real. Anyway, I am so glad I found you guys and I look forward to talking to you more. Thanks for listening!
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