I have been thinking about this issue as many of you have shared about how CP has changed your personal relationships. For those who are married it effects our spouse. It effects parents, children, other family members, boyfriends, girlfriends, significant others and close friends. It even affects pets as we can’t show affection to them the same way at times.
I end up going to bed about a half hour after getting home from work to lay down to deal with pain. I know my wife does not like the fact that she is downstairs and I am upstairs. If my daughter is home they both stay downstairs while I deal with the pain upstairs. After my wife comes to bed, I end up getting up so I will not disturb her getting to sleep. My wife is very supportive but I also know that this has changed her life as well. Everything we do has to be worked around MY CP. I could not ask for a better wife. For those who are single, divorced or not in a relationship, I don’t mean to in any way leave you out. How has CP affected you family or even your ability to have close friends? How have your relationships changed since the onset of CP?
I'm with Pete on this one, a gully washer for sure! Today is too busy to start posting right now....here we go again....a much needed deep deep topic to discuss!!
Be back later.
I'm Retired USAF, went back to school and became an RN, and now am on ful disalbility!
Degenerative Disc (affecting mostly the thorasic disc but all levels involved), C6/7 laminectomy/diskectomy& fusion, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!)
Medications: Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV
Hope I'm not imposing but I have a need to respond-my daughter was engaged to a guy then she was injured and after six months it was over with. She had not realized how much her relationship with him was so one sided-she had been doing everything he had wanted to do, with very little help from him, after her injury she just couldn't do it any more and then the verbal abuse started from him! I guess you can say she was lucky to find out how he handled his commitment to her "in sickness and in health" but I wish it had been a different way! I hear the same "guilt" in your post that my daughter expresses when she can't do the things she wants to do with her son or with our family. This is morbid but sometimes I think it would be easier for her if the pain was caused by something that people could understand, cancer, amputation, anything that could be seen --that is terrible isn't it? But at least then people would be reminded that she lives with her chronic pain 24-7 and just because they can't see it doesn't mean its not there!!
I need to tell you all that it is very important that you understand what your close family members are going through too-but I need for you to not feel guilty about it, so you can allow them to get help coping with their loss without hurting you more-you have to realize they have lost the same person you have-and you have to give them the freedom to grieve that loss without them feeling guilty about it. There is an anger (not at you), a denial and an acceptance process that they have to go through too. As frustrated with the pain you are, they can be as frustrated because what ever they can do doesn't seem to help enough.
This is so complicated and I hope it doesn't sound selfish but this is something that I have not talked to my daughter about, don't know how too and probably never will-I am afraid she will take it the wrong way and I never want her to think I am not there for her. Momcares
Post Edited (Becoming undone) : 3/18/2009 11:59:02 AM (GMT-6)
Post Edited (White Beard) : 3/18/2009 2:39:49 PM (GMT-6)
To add one more thing and perhaps clarify what I have said, The idea of being single again fightens me something fierce, it has been over 34 years since I have been single. and questions arise, Will I ever meet some one? Will I even want to? And if I did? Who would want to be with someone with that suffers from CP? This last question is a very real and serious question! Will CP even make finding or being some one even possible? There is allot of unknown ground head, and allot of change, and none of this helps the CP either! If any thing is just make it worse! But I am a man I will suck it up, because that is what men are suppose to do!
Post Edited (White Beard) : 3/18/2009 7:53:51 PM (GMT-6)
Post Edited (Pamela Neckpain) : 3/18/2009 8:42:06 PM (GMT-6)
My friends, I have been home from work only a short time. It is already 10:00 PM. I am tired, beat and not in a good mood. The pain has been more cruel than normal and there is absolutely no relief. I want to write so much to all of you. I don't have the energy to type much right now. I have another long day tomorrow and have to speak at graduation tomorrow night and celebrate with several of our students who have completed their first year at the school. When will a break come.
Enough about me. Pete, I wish I could come over to your house and talk and cry together. Lets invite White Beard also. Time changes relationships and it either makes them stronger or more distant. When you add CP into the mix, a new dimention arises and for some it shows what true love is and how that is demonstrated. In other relationships, CP is like a giant wedge that keeps driving further and further causing the separation wider and wider. For some, like White Beard said and how I feel, guilt sets in when you can't do what you feel you should do. When someone else has to pick up your share of the load it eats at the very core of your being.
I don't know if it is the pain, the tiredness or the subject or all of it poured into a blender and whipped together, but I am having a difficult time. Yes a gully washer, a big gully washer. I am sure that later tonight when I have to get up I will be able to write more. I am sorry I can't address more of your comments but will try later. I think we will be on this thread for awhile. Thank you and Blessings until then.
PA, Whitebeard, Straydog, Fatherjohn, Becoming, Pamela, Momcares and all!
I have been married 17 yrs. on the 28th...for 8 yrs. I was normal....by that I mean, work, play, clean and all the fun stuff. In 2000 came the surgery....3 more years of working. Right at the time I HAD to leave my job, my husband was in the process of starting his RE Appraisal business. When I told him I couldn't take the pain anymore and needed to quit, he said please can you just wait a little longer! I tried I really tried, but finally had to stop. From that day forward our relationship changed.....as I've posted before, applied for SSD, spent most of my days in bed and began taking PM to control the pain. I was devastated over my loss, I was now dependent on my husband, everything was out of my control. I have worked since I was 12 NEVER was I unable to support myself. I had already begun to say no to things that I loved to do. I spent 6 mos. grieving, spending most of the daytime in bed (from pain), got up cooked dinner, went back to bed. Then I made the decision to move forward with life, and did find the strength and felt good emotionally!
My husband is a very stoic man, who holds his emotions in, loves deeply, I always accepted that before, but I needed to hear his words of support. We coasted along and 4 yrs ago his Dad died, he was of course grieving....about 6 mos after, I asked him if he was okay, it seemed to me he did not talk to me except when he had something negative to say. After months of this, I confronted this and he told me that he thought he was fine over his dad, but that I had gone from 40 to 80 overnight. Crying while he said this, I was devastated, I had no clue that he felt this way. Alot of things were said, the bottom line was that we were going to work on our relationship. I hate to even put this on paper (post) but its best said. Lets say that I started to walk around on glass, all along I thought I was pretty positive about my situation, now I wasn't so sure. The one thing I did have was a husband who cared and loved me no matter what my condition. Now, I'm not secure in the one thing I felt safe in! Right after his Dad died the RE market started to crash....so now we have Grief and now income is slowly decreasing. By December of 2006 we are living on our CC and my SSD. He is working odd jobs to keep us afloat and I am feeling GUILT that I can't help our situation! Just coasting along emotionally.......coast, coast, coast. Then Feb. 2008 his Mom passes away, we flew to Colorado with our 2 grown daughters. We had a wonderful heartfelt talk and love was so strong! We come home and he shuts me out, spends most of his day in our bedroom watching TV, business is nil and I feel he is grieving. Picking fights over everything. Finally I snapped and told him I could live on welfare in an apartment and be happier then living with him like this. He told me he feels so alone, I told him he chose it to be like this, that he needs to go get help to deal with grief, over me and his parents. He told me he loved me and did not want to lose me....so we coast along working on our relationship but I always walk around on glass.....after a Dr.'s visit and added issues, I am afraid to tell him....he listens, and says don't worry we'll get through this.....but I don't really feel safe because I went from 40 to 80 overnight.....the wierd thing is he tells everyone else how much he worries about me.....he told me recently that it kills him that he can't fix me. I told him its not his job to fix me, just accept me and focus on the good in me. So, sounds to me like CP has affected the one stable for sure thing I had going for me!
My children, one of my daughters calls everyday just to check on me and UNDERSTANDS the challenges I face everday. My other daughter calls 3-4 x's a week and offers to go shopping with me, but never asks how I am, just talks around that subject which is fine!
I am very lucky to have 3 best friends, who let me talk about me when I need to and I know I am safe with them.
Overall, life is good...doesn't sound like it by this post huh?
P.S. We survived the last year because his Mom left us money....God does provide so never lose faith. As of January...business is picking up..one less stress to worry about!