To make a long story short, I am a 30-year old father of four children (one stepson and three that I fathered with my wife). I decided to have a vasectomy back in June of 2008. The procedure was anything but uneventful and the doctor caused damage to my ilioinguinal nerve. I am moderate to severe pain every minute of every day ever since.
The pain radiates into my upper groin/lower abdominal region and extends down my inner thigh and stops above the knee. My testicles are EXTREMELY tender and susceptible to severe shots of pain if they are even barely grazed. It feels at times like someone is holding a cigarette lighter to me where my genitals meet my leg.
I have been to a half dozen urologists (including Johns Hopkins University who has the top urology in the country for 18 straight years) and all I hear is "the nerves down there are too small to see." I have been seeing a pain management doctor for about four or five months and he tried a nerve block which caused more pain and different medications.
Opiates are the only thing that has been tried that provides me with relief but my tolerance grows quickly and the doc seems unwilling to up the doses and has recently referred me to a different pain doc that does not accept my insurance. I was told to go to the ER if I need to because he would not change my meds. I have four kids (ages 9, 6, 3, and 1) to take care of while my wife of seven years works, and I just can't do it when I'm on meds that are not as effective as they need to be. Speaking of my wife, this leads me to a HUGE stressor I am going through right now.
Our relationship is on the rocks right now. She does not empathize with my situation and provides me with no moral support. I used to be the breadwinner and she'd stay at home with the kids. But the roles have since been reversed and she's not respecting me the way I respect her.
One very big issue that is upsetting me is our current lack of a sex life. Getting a vasectomy was supposed to enhance it, but the few times when I am feeling well enough to do something, I get rejected. I wonder why in the world I got the vasectomy in the first place.
To make things more difficult to deal with, I started back at school in January -- six months before the vasectomy -- and was studying journalism. I became editor of the college newspaper. I had a hockey website that was linked to by an NHL team's official website and received a letter from the owner about it. But between the pain and the effects the meds are having on my mind, I have given up the website, I am failing in school, and am on the verge of quitting my role as newspaper editor.
I feel like I have no future and I am just a useless lump that is taking up space. My wife makes me feel worse and she has been mentioning that she doesn't love me like she used to and she thinks that breaking up may be a necessity at some point in the near future. My parents help, especially my mom who is dealing with pain herself, but I want my wife and my kids. If we break up, I won't see them regularly, and I am currently home with them all the time. IT WOULD ABSOLUTELY DESTROY ME IF SOMETHING HAPPENS.
I am hoping someone here is able to give me some moral support that I am not getting from my wife. At least until we get to a marriage counelor. Thanks for listening.
Post Edited (Been Butchered) : 3/29/2009 8:37:21 AM (GMT-6)
I'm going to try and help you with this. Its a subject I NEVER talk about. But my heart went out to you when I read this it seemed so close to home.
I'm married to a wonderful man would give me the world. In most respects he has. 19 years ago he came back from the First Desert Storm in Iraq. We married 3 months after he came back. The first 5 years we privately fought about how much sex we should have. I wanted it twice a week but he said once a week was good enough that I was making him feel like a sex toy. I know it does now seem really really funny
Slowly time went on and it was decreased slowly. Until about 3 years ago it was gone! After 14 years or marriage. Well lets just say it was once in 6 months. He never winked at me, never showed any interest in me other than a wife and mother to his three children. We fought on a daily basis, he would blame me, I would blame him, we said things we will never forget. Separations occured alot, sleeping apart was getting to be normal. Last resort we went to couples therapy at church. After our first meeting the preacher wanted to see my husband alone. After that meeting my husband really got depressed and cried alot!!! My husband crying it not normal at this point I had never seen him shed a tear other than his father and my mother dying.
One night he was on the back porch crying I went to him. He opened up to me as if the flood gates exploded. Our preacher had convinced him that he views about our sex life were out of wack. Wow I was finally proven right!!!??? It was not a good feeling with what came next. He had went to the doctor. His testosterone was under 100, think of it like this a normal man would be around 500 - 800 I believe. He started injections, didn't work, did the patch, no luck there, tried the gel once again nothing helped. We found out his body refuses to absord any kind of hormone.
Now we have been married for 18 years, yes sex is VERY limited. Yes I hurt at times I understand where your wife is coming from. I really feel in my heart she really doesnt mean to be so mean about this its her emotions coming out. Wrong maybe but its the way shes feeling. We at times you feel like you might yes she is not going to respond. I know this for a fact I deal with it every. If my husband doesn't show me affection, other then his normal I love yous and kisses when he comes home from work. But attraction attention thought that day. Or even an hour or so ahead of going to bed. You just cant expect her to jump at command once in a blue moon women are priceless you can never understand them..lol
But I also know where you are coming from. My husband at times feels less than a man. And to me hes all man. I'm talking about a man who shaves his head, goatee, earrings and built like a mack truck. He looks great on stage playing his drums. I try and make sure that if there is anything in my power to help him feel whole I will. I baby him, pamper him, but this is after alot of communications. I chose to stay with him and understand, I love him more now then ever we have alot more late night talks cuddling in bed that doesn't led to you know what. We touch eachother all the time in loving affection. I guess you can call it that we have decided our love is based more love then sex. But I will tell you SEX is important. We still have issues I wish he would at least think about it more but with the hormone so low it rarely comes to his mind.
I could go on forever on the things that is so wrong with learning to deal with this. But it took a preacher to open our eyes that this is something that is out of our control. If you ever want to talk about this or if your wife needs to vent I would be more than happy to listen to her. I fully UNDERSTAND!!!!
LLPLUV and Been Butchered
The only question I have, is when your married ( or even if youare not!) if you really Love a person, should you not want to at least make sure that the person you Love is happy and their needs an desires are satisfied and fullfilled? I mean even if your not in the "mood" for what ever the reason, if you really Love the person, shouldn't you ( instead of thinking about your self) think about that person you Love and shouldn't you want to please that person?
LLPLUV I understand what you are saying, but it frustrates me, because it comes off to me like you are the one making the sacrifice, and caring for your spouse, but it doesn't sound like your spouse is caring for you! Oh I feel sorry for your spouse, and I have sympathy for him. But your spouse should be thinking about you too! Even if your spouse is not "capable", that does not mean your spouse can not satisfy and fulfill your wants and desires! And that also goes for Been Butchered's spouse. I mean after all it is a two way street. Isn't the "Golden Rule" Do unto others as you would have them do unto you? But that just does not apply to one of you, it applies to both of you! You both have to look out for each other and satisfy each others needs!
I'm Retired USAF, went back to school and became an RN, and now am on ful disalbility!
Degenerative Disc (affecting mostly the thorasic disc but all levels involved), C6/7 laminectomy/diskectomy& fusion, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!)
Medications: Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV
I fully understand where you are coming from. I didn't say anything about that part of it cuz I would of filled alot more into this post
We have been dealing with this in steps as we go as a couple. I agree 100% I just haven't approached this subject with my husband yet. I think how he feels is that if he does extra for me it makes up for whats lacking. He will bring flowers to work and put them in the front seat. He will write me little notes. He will shop and cook dinner. Partly cuz I have pain alot so hes trying to help me. He even kisses me while I sleep and says I love you before he leaves for work at 4 am every AM not missing a day in a decade . I think what I'm saying is he doesn't really know how to go about this. I do not doubt he loves me with all his heart.
Part of me is kinda worried about bringing up this issue you brought up. I think that might be part of Been Butchered Spouse reactions. I beleive this is communication gaps. Sometimes as I stated above that I still have issues with this. But I'm trying to be so supportive.
But you are right! I just hope Been Butchered reads these posts with his wife. It might open a communication line between them that won't start and end with a fight.
I think many of us deal with this issues more than people realize. This was a great Post to start. I know many of us wouldn't tread this subject willing.
Kudos to you Been Butchered!!!!
Now if Whitebeard or anyone out there would help me figure out a form of words to bring whitebeard point out without feelings getting hurt.
I'm afraid to admit I am quilty of saying really hurtful things during the most explosive moments in our marriage. Ranging from him saying while looking at me from head to toe, "Why would anyone want to have sex with that?" But I will put in there I am a VERY goodlooking woman..lol To me telling him I think hes gay.. Ok don't hate me I already hate myself about saying that. I have taken it back a million times but it was said and can't come undone. Just forgiven.
I think and this is only my opinion that two people at times want to be so understood by the other that they lose track of learning to listen. If both of you listen then both sides are being understood. I know it seems like it can't be done. But it can happen.
But for now yes you do need support. Mentally and physically. Having chronic pain has to make it worse. I have read alot of Whitebeards posts from the past. Read them he is very knowledgable.
Its a compliment whitebeard There are many others that post alot here that understand how chronic pain interfers with our relationships. There is a threat going right now started by fatherjohn I believe that deals with many of our relationships. I havent had the guts yet to post there its such a tear jerker.
I wish you well....
Hello Been Butchered,
Welcome to Healing Well, although I am very sorry to see a new face in the chronic pain world. There just seems to be so many of us out there , many, many more that do not know about this wonderful place. You landed in the right spot because we all have one thing in common chronic pain. We have the best group of caring, compassionate, understanding folks that you would ever want to run across. Our pain may be in different parts of the body, or a different type of pain but it doesn't matter, pain is pain.
I am so very sorry to hear about your botched surgery. I can't even begin to fathom what you are going thru.
I really hate to hear of the troubles that you and your wife are going thru. Perhaps with counseling you & your wife can get past all of this and come to a better understanding in all aspects and get your marriage on an even keel. But, it will most likely be a long hard road. I will say this, probably more times than any of us want to admit, that due to our CP there has been arguments, hurtful things said to each other, resentments for whatever reason, lack of understanding, support, oh the list could go on forever. Please do not think for one moment you are the only one that has had his/her upsides. Chronic pain is a hard life to live. It can put the best of them to test.
I just wish for now that you and the wife could call a truce of some sort. Maybe tell her its time to put the boxing gloves up that you both need a break from the sparring match. Each time those stinging words fly out of mouths its like pouring salt on an open wound that never gets a chance to heal, instead it just gets bigger with time. Your wife sounds like she is harboring alot of resentment. All I can say is marriage is a two way street, not 60/40 or any of those numbers. Alot of people don't realize when you are married you have to work at that marriage every day. Its not a once in awhile deal, its every day. There is no magic year that you say oh, we have been together this long so we don't have to try as hard, oh yes you do. Its probably the hardest job I have ever had.
I know I really have not been able to say much to help your situation, but I do want you to know that you have found a great place to hang out and we support each other the very best we can. Keep us posted on how you are doing....Susie
Post Edited (TonyMcGuire) : 3/29/2009 5:49:04 PM (GMT-6)
Sorry, Tony. I've been dealing with this pain for so long that I forgot what it's like to be a normal (somewhat) man! I'll use a disclaimer in the future.
I also want to thank everyone for welcoming me to this discussion board. Hearing from people who know what I'm going through is giving me a little bit of the support that I've been lacking at home. I will continue to read other's stories and suggestions while I wait for my wife to become supportive as well.