Don't know how to deal with major life changes

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Been Butchered
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 3/29/2009 6:11 AM (GMT -7)   

To make a long story short, I am a 30-year old father of four children (one stepson and three that I fathered with my wife). I decided to have a vasectomy back in June of 2008. The procedure was anything but uneventful and the doctor caused damage to my ilioinguinal nerve. I am moderate to severe pain every minute of every day ever since.

The pain radiates into my upper groin/lower abdominal region and extends down my inner thigh and stops above the knee. My testicles are EXTREMELY tender and susceptible to severe shots of pain if they are even barely grazed. It feels at times like someone is holding a cigarette lighter to me where my genitals meet my leg.

I have been to a half dozen urologists (including Johns Hopkins University who has the top urology in the country for 18 straight years) and all I hear is "the nerves down there are too small to see." I have been seeing a pain management doctor for about four or five months and he tried a nerve block which caused more pain and different medications.

Opiates are the only thing that has been tried that provides me with relief but my tolerance grows quickly and the doc seems unwilling to up the doses and has recently referred me to a different pain doc that does not accept my insurance. I was told to go to the ER if I need to because he would not change my meds. I have four kids (ages 9, 6, 3, and 1) to take care of while my wife of seven years works, and I just can't do it when I'm on meds that are not as effective as they need to be. Speaking of my wife, this leads me to a HUGE stressor I am going through right now.

Our relationship is on the rocks right now. She does not empathize with my situation and provides me with no moral support. I used to be the breadwinner and she'd stay at home with the kids. But the roles have since been reversed and she's not respecting me the way I respect her.

One very big issue that is upsetting me is our current lack of a sex life. Getting a vasectomy was supposed to enhance it, but the few times when I am feeling well enough to do something, I get rejected. I wonder why in the world I got the vasectomy in the first place.

To make things more difficult to deal with, I started back at school in January -- six months before the vasectomy -- and was studying journalism. I became editor of the college newspaper. I had a hockey website that was linked to by an NHL team's official website and received a letter from the owner about it. But between the pain and the effects the meds are having on my mind, I have given up the website, I am failing in school, and am on the verge of quitting my role as newspaper editor.

I feel like I have no future and I am just a useless lump that is taking up space. My wife makes me feel worse and she has been mentioning that she doesn't love me like she used to and she thinks that breaking up may be a necessity at some point in the near future. My parents help, especially my mom who is dealing with pain herself, but I want my wife and my kids. If we break up, I won't see them regularly, and I am currently home with them all the time. IT WOULD ABSOLUTELY DESTROY ME IF SOMETHING HAPPENS.

I am hoping someone here is able to give me some moral support that I am not getting from my wife. At least until we get to a marriage counelor. Thanks for listening.

Post Edited (Been Butchered) : 3/29/2009 8:37:21 AM (GMT-6)


LLPLUV
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1158
   Posted 3/29/2009 8:20 AM (GMT -7)   

I'm going to try and help you with this.  Its a subject I NEVER talk about.  But my heart went out to you when I read this it seemed so close to home.

I'm married to a wonderful man would give me the world.  In most respects he has.  19 years ago he came back from the First Desert Storm in Iraq.  We married 3 months after he came back.  The first 5 years we privately fought about how much sex we should have.  I wanted it twice a week but he said once a week was good enough that I was making him feel like a sex toy.  I know it does now seem really really funny  turn

Slowly time went on and it was decreased slowly.  Until about 3 years ago it was gone!  After 14 years or marriage. Well lets just say it was once in 6 months. He never winked at me, never showed any interest in me other than a wife and mother to his three children.  We fought on a daily basis, he would blame me, I would blame him, we said things we will never forget.  Separations occured alot, sleeping apart was getting to be normal.  Last resort we went to couples therapy at church.  After our first meeting the preacher wanted to see my husband alone.  After that meeting my husband really got depressed and cried alot!!!  My husband crying it not normal at this point I had never seen him shed a tear other than his father and my mother dying.

One night he was on the back porch crying I went to him.  He opened up to me as if the flood gates exploded.  Our preacher had convinced him that he views about our sex life were out of wack.  Wow I was finally proven right!!!???  It was not a good feeling with what came next.  He had went to the doctor.  His testosterone was under 100, think of it like this a normal man would be around 500 - 800 I believe.  He started injections, didn't work, did the patch, no luck there, tried the gel once again nothing helped.  We found out his body refuses to absord any kind of hormone.

Now we have been married for 18 years, yes sex is VERY limited.  Yes I hurt at times I understand where your wife is coming from.  I really feel in my heart she really doesnt mean to be so mean about this its her emotions coming out.  Wrong maybe but its the way shes feeling.  We at times you feel like you might yes she is not going to respond.  I know this for a fact I deal with it every.  If my husband doesn't show me affection, other then his normal I love yous and kisses when he comes home from work.  But attraction attention thought that day.  Or even an hour or so ahead of going to bed.  You just cant expect her to jump at command once in a blue moon women are priceless you can never understand them..lol

But I also know where you are coming from.  My husband at times feels less than a man.  And to me hes all man.  I'm talking about a man who shaves his head, goatee, earrings and built like a mack truck.  He looks great on stage playing his drums.  I try and make sure that if there is anything in my power to help him feel whole I will.  I baby him, pamper him, but this is after alot of communications.  I chose to stay with him and understand, I love him more now then ever we have alot more late night talks cuddling in bed that doesn't led to you know what.  We touch eachother all the time in loving affection.  I guess you can call it that we have decided our love is based more love then sex.  But I will tell you SEX is important.  We still have issues I wish he would at least think about it more but with the hormone so low it rarely comes to his mind.

I could go on forever on the things that is so wrong with learning to deal with this.  But it took a preacher to open our eyes that this is something that is out of our control.  If you ever want to talk about this or if your wife needs to vent I would be more than happy to listen to her.  I fully UNDERSTAND!!!!

Laurie


Chronic Kidney Stones, PKD (Polycystic Kidney Disease), Chronic Kidney Failure, Severe Hypertension


White Beard
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3611
   Posted 3/29/2009 11:03 AM (GMT -7)   

LLPLUV and Been Butchered

The only question I have, is when your married ( or even if youare not!) if you really Love a person, should you not want to at least make sure that the person you Love is happy and their needs an desires are satisfied and fullfilled? I mean even if your not in the "mood" for what ever  the reason,  if you really Love the person, shouldn't you ( instead of  thinking about your self) think about that person you Love  and shouldn't you  want to please that person?

LLPLUV I understand what you are saying, but it frustrates me, because it comes off to me like you are the one making the sacrifice, and caring for your spouse, but it doesn't sound like your spouse is caring for you! Oh I feel sorry for your spouse, and I have sympathy for him. But your spouse should be thinking about you too! Even if your spouse is not "capable", that does not mean your spouse can not satisfy and fulfill your wants and desires! And that also goes for Been Butchered's spouse. I mean after all it is a two way street. Isn't the "Golden Rule" Do unto others as you would have them do unto you? But that just does not apply to  one of you, it applies to both of you! You both have to look out for each other and satisfy each others needs!

White Beard


 

I'm Retired USAF, went back to school and became an RN, and now am on ful disalbility!

Degenerative Disc (affecting mostly the thorasic disc but all levels involved), C6/7 laminectomy/diskectomy& fusion, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!)

Medications: Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV


LLPLUV
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1158
   Posted 3/29/2009 12:02 PM (GMT -7)   

Whitebeard....

I fully understand where you are coming from.  I didn't say anything about that part of it cuz I would of filled alot more into this post tongue

We have been dealing with this in steps as we go as a couple. I agree 100% I just haven't approached this subject with my husband yet.  I think how he feels is that if he does extra for me it makes up for whats lacking.  He will bring flowers to work and put them in the front seat.  He will write me little notes.  He will shop and cook dinner.  Partly cuz I have pain alot so hes trying to help me.  He even kisses me while I sleep and says I love you before he leaves for work at 4 am every AM not missing a day in a decade .  I think what I'm saying is he doesn't really know how to go about this.  I do not doubt he loves me with all his heart.

Part of me is kinda worried about bringing up this issue you brought up.  I think that might be part of Been Butchered Spouse reactions. I beleive this is communication gaps.  Sometimes as I stated above that I still have issues with this.  But I'm trying to be so supportive. 

But you are right!  I just hope Been Butchered reads these posts with his wife.  It might open a communication line between them that won't start and end with a fight.

I think many of us deal with this issues more than people realize.  This was a great Post to start.  I know many of us wouldn't tread this subject willing.

Kudos to you Been Butchered!!!! yeah

Now if Whitebeard or anyone out there would help me figure out a form of words to bring whitebeard point out without feelings getting hurt.


Chronic Kidney Stones, PKD (Polycystic Kidney Disease), Chronic Kidney Failure, Severe Hypertension


Been Butchered
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 3/29/2009 12:20 PM (GMT -7)   
My wife hasn't read these posts, but in the last few days I have made her aware of my true feelings.  The problem is, she still doesn't get it.  I'm trying to talk to her so she can see what I'm going through, but I don't think she has a clue what it's like to be living in pain every day.  She hasn't been able to empathasize and that's what I really want.  When I'm feeling down and depressed, I want her encouragement but I'm not getting it. 
 
Being in this much pain as the result of a vasectomy is EXTRAORDINARILY RARE.  She has gone so far as to say that she doesn't believe I'm in pain and I'm faking just to get meds, though this only happens during an argument.  She knows how to be hurtful, but not helpful.  And I know that this is just making the whole situation that much worse.
 
I know we absolutely must get counseling so we have a mediator to help us understand each other's feelings, but it is likely going to be weeks before we make it to see somebody.  So in the meantime, I am looking for some strength and support from people who are able to understand what I'm going through since my wife clearly doesn't.

LLPLUV
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1158
   Posted 3/29/2009 12:34 PM (GMT -7)   

I'm afraid to admit I am quilty of saying really hurtful things during the most explosive moments in our marriage.  Ranging from him saying while looking at me from head to toe, "Why would anyone want to have sex with that?"  But I will put in there I am a VERY goodlooking woman..lol  To me telling him I think hes gay..  Ok don't hate me I already hate myself about saying that.  I have taken it back a million times but it was said and can't come undone.  Just forgiven.

I think and this is only my opinion that two people at times want to be so understood by the other that they lose track of learning to listen.  If both of you listen then both sides are being understood.  I know it seems like it can't be done.  But it can happen. 

But for now yes you do need support.  Mentally and physically.  Having chronic pain has to make it worse.  I have read alot of Whitebeards posts from the past.  Read them he is very knowledgable.

Its a compliment whitebeard tongue   There are many others that post alot here that understand how chronic pain interfers with our relationships.  There is a threat going right now started by fatherjohn I believe that deals with many of our relationships.  I havent had the guts yet to post there its such a tear jerker.

I wish you well....


Chronic Kidney Stones, PKD (Polycystic Kidney Disease), Chronic Kidney Failure, Severe Hypertension


Been Butchered
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 3/29/2009 12:49 PM (GMT -7)   
 My wife and I have certainly said some nasty things to each other as well.  She says that she works harder at her job than I ever did and that she busts her butt to support the family (as if I didn't).  She's been working for about 8 months now.  On the other hand, I supported the family by myself for the first 6 years of our marriage. 
 
That's just one little example, there's been plenty of other stuff said over the past week or so that really doesn't help anything so I know exactly what you're talking about.  When one person says something, you just feel the need to get them back,  especially when you all you want to hear are kind words when you're in pain but you get the exact opposite.
 
Also, thanks for the advice on the other threads to check outl LLPLUV.  I'll look at them right now.
 
BTW, I'd be curious to see a pic of you...I could tell you if you're right about him being gay! wink Anyways, thanx for sharing your story.  It's always helpful hearing what other people go through because it gives hope.

LLPLUV
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1158
   Posted 3/29/2009 1:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Your very welcome...  I know hes not gay.. smilewinkgrin   Just not interested in me or another other woman in that way.  I tell ya very low hormone levels causes severe lack of interest.
 
Just remember words that are said in a fight hurt but most the time its blown out of context.  You want to be understood and I bet she feels the same way you do.  Somewhere down the line someone is going to have to be the mature one.
 
Later today more people will be on and more than likely you will get many responses and opinions.  I hope you find more support and advice.
 
BTW whoever did your surgery needs to have their hand slapped.  Thats if they nicked a nerve.  I could never imagine the pain you feel.  My pain is in the back but I would think it would be hell for a man..... confused
Chronic Kidney Stones, PKD (Polycystic Kidney Disease), Chronic Kidney Failure, Severe Hypertension


White Beard
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3611
   Posted 3/29/2009 1:42 PM (GMT -7)   
LLPLUV
Thanks for the compliments, You know LLPLUV communication is everything in a marriage and it is especially important when it come to intimacy. But like I said you both have to take care of each other, it can't be just one sided, because if it is, not only is it not fair, but resentment can set in! You have a right to expect certain things from your spouse! Your spouse has an obligation to fulfill those expectations, we would all like to hope and think our spouses are tuned in to all our needs and expectations, but that is often not the case. But when they are not, we should be able to openly communicate to them what we want. One shouldn't have beg or anything like that. After you have let them know of your needs and expectations, that should be enough. Hopefully they will care enough about you to take it from there. And if they don't then there is a problem. If you have read my post LLPLUV you will know what I am talking about. But also realize that in my post there was allot that I did not and will not talk about. I do wish you LLPLUV all the best and hope things work out for you and your husband. And that also goes for you Been Butchered.
Good Luck to You
White Beard
 

I'm Retired USAF, went back to school and became an RN, and now am on ful disalbility!

Degenerative Disc (affecting mostly the thorasic disc but all levels involved), C6/7 laminectomy/diskectomy& fusion, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!)

Medications: Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV


straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 13470
   Posted 3/29/2009 3:03 PM (GMT -7)   

Hello Been Butchered,

Welcome to Healing Well, although I am very sorry to see a new face in the chronic pain world. There just seems to be so many of us out there , many, many more that do not know about this wonderful place. You landed in the right spot because we all have one thing in common chronic pain. We have the best group of caring, compassionate, understanding folks that you would ever want to run across. Our pain may be in different parts of the body, or a different type of pain but it doesn't matter, pain is pain.

I am so very sorry to hear about your botched surgery. I can't even begin to fathom what you are going thru.

I really hate to hear of the troubles that you and your wife are going thru. Perhaps with counseling you & your wife can get past all of this and come to a better understanding in all aspects and get your marriage on an even keel. But, it will most likely be a long hard road. I will say this, probably more times than any of us want to admit, that due to our CP there has been arguments, hurtful things said to each other, resentments for whatever reason, lack of understanding, support, oh the list could go on forever. Please do not think for one moment you are the only one that has had his/her upsides. Chronic pain is a hard life to live. It can put the best of them to test.

I just wish for now that you and the wife could call a truce of some sort. Maybe tell her its time to put the boxing gloves up that you both need a break from the sparring match. Each time those stinging words fly out of mouths its like pouring salt on an open wound that never gets a chance to heal, instead it just gets bigger with time. Your wife sounds like she is harboring alot of resentment. All I can say is marriage is a two way street, not 60/40 or any of those numbers. Alot of people don't realize when you are married you have to work at that marriage every day. Its not a once in awhile deal, its every day. There is no magic year that you say oh, we have been together this long so we don't have to try as hard, oh yes you do. Its probably the hardest job I have ever had. 

I know I really have not been able to say much to help your situation, but I do want you to know that you have found a great place to hang out and we support each other the very best we can. Keep us posted on how you are doing....Susie

 



PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 3/29/2009 3:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Been Butchered,
I just wanted to welcome you to the chronic pain forum here at Healing Well. Reading your story made me want to cry, as you're so young, and it's was so unecessary, yet in some ways I guess all our stories fit part of that description, although I'm about twice your age.

I'm also not married so I'm not going to try to give any specific suggestions in that area, but i've got some professional background - enough to suggest you seriously consider not just a marriage counselor but a licensed therapist who is also certified in sex therapy. I know that sounds odd, and people have a lot of misperceptions about what that means, but a lot of sex is communication. In addition, though, when there are health issues involved there can be techniques and other adaptations that a certified sex therapist can help you consider. If this person is also a good marriage counselor, he/she will be able to help you evaluate the marriage itself and what the possibilities are for the future.

You went to Johns Hopkins, which was one of the places a few decades ago that started the study of sex therapy. You might contact them and ask if there is someone certified close to you. It really can make a huge difference with a trained person (this is by no means involves any type of sex with the therapist - that would be totally and completely unethical and illegal).

Anyway, I think you all have a wonderful, poignant thread going here. You've connected with some good people on this forum already. Feel free to join in anywhere.

PaLady

Tony McGuire
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 483
   Posted 3/29/2009 4:19 PM (GMT -7)   
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH! smhair

Please, MAJOR disclaimer when you are going to talk about this level of pain in this particular location. I'll hurt for hours, now, and that is just typing a description over the Internet.

I feel for you in a major way, Been Butchered. (What an appropriate name.)

Best of luck.

On the He Said, She Said front, I'm just a normal (somewhat) man and no professional.

However, what I did BEFORE getting married was set up a rule that was an absolute.

When a discussion was even heading towards what has been talked about here, I simply identified it and said that I was leaving and would come back when we could discuss it again.

We've only been married 6 years, but in that time we've probably only had 6 discussions that degenerated to that level. But then, I've got a pretty incredible wife. And through thick and thin we see things very similarly. And all I have to do is ask her to know how I see any given thing. Works out well.

(EDIT: smiley)
Wife: Liz
Dogs: Koshka & Chomp

Post Edited (TonyMcGuire) : 3/29/2009 5:49:04 PM (GMT-6)


Been Butchered
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 3/30/2009 6:24 AM (GMT -7)   

Sorry, Tony.  I've been dealing with this pain for so long that I forgot what it's like to be a normal (somewhat) man!  I'll use a disclaimer in the future.

I also want to thank everyone for welcoming me to this discussion board.  Hearing from people who know what I'm going through is giving me a little bit of the support that I've been lacking at home.  I will continue to read other's stories and suggestions while I wait for my wife to become supportive as well.


shannon1
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 3/30/2009 11:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Been Butchered...Im so sorry about the situation you are in. I have not read everyone's respones, so i hope im not going to double to much of what has already been said.

First, GO to a marriage therapist right away!!!!!! Call one TODAY!

Now, i have suffered with chronic medical issues since my marriage in 1999. This past Jan, 2009, i just had a FULL hysterectomy, not for birth control but for a TON of female problems. We have NOT been intimate since surgery. I have thankfully not had any pressure from him, however, i do try to make the effort to "help" him out often. I will also say that i delivered two preemies via csection and was unable to have intimate relations for about 9 months both pregnancies due to us chosing to have two high risk pregnancies. Those spans did cause some problems, and we did do counceling both times just to be sure we were both on the same page.

To me, it sounds like your wife is feeling like maybe u should be better than you are, and i am dealing with this right now from my hysterectomy. People who are not dealing with pain, simply do not understand it.

Anyways, i also run after two kids all day and im exhausted and in pain and get totally fustrated that my husband just does not get it......but, i am back in therapy (privatly this time) so that i can atleast get my moods undercontrol so that my husband doesn't have to deal w/ a crazy wife on top of everything else....LOL

I hope that everything works out for you and i really wish you the best!
Jan. 2009, complete hysterectomy, diagnosed stage 4 endometriosis & adenomyosis (age 36)
2003, dx moderate UC
2000, dx selective IGA deficiency w/ anti IGA antibodies
2000, dx Antipholipid Antibody Syndrome
1999-2009, chronic hemmoragic ovarian cysts, w/ partial ovary removal
1977, complete reconstruction of foot after lawnmower accident (chronic pain)
 
Meds
6mp 75mg, prednisone 40mg (just starting meds again)
percocet 5mg 3x day
potassium 3x day
 


straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 13470
   Posted 3/30/2009 12:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Tony,

I forgot to mention in my post that I did seek out the help of a very good psychologist. I did this on my ins only had a co-pay that was the only out of pocket expense that I had. I did this for me, I needed help dealing with chronic pain. As you already know people including family and friends don't always have a good concept of what we go thru on a daily basis. If my coverage had not changed I assure you I would still be going, now I simply cannot afford it. It was one of the best things I could have ever done for me. My husband to this day has no clue about CP and thats ok, I can deal with that. I know what to expect and what not to expect from him. It may sound selfish, but I am learning slowly things I can do for me, to help me because after all I count too. Don't forget that, you do count friend. It doesn't matter who goes to work, who keeps the kids, who cleans the house, it all boils down to one thing, you do count just the same as before and don't let anyone tell you any differently.

Susie


Pete trips again!
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1899
   Posted 3/30/2009 4:12 PM (GMT -7)   
B.B. > Geeze I'm sorry I didn't see this post sooner! I've had a very limmited time frame on line lately and when I am on, it's been kinda all about me which makes me feel lousy! I just had a surgery a week ago and I've been trying to answer all my friends questions about me and not doing what I should be, helping others!!! GRRRRRRR!!! How about these people, aren't they a great bunch? Alway, always trying to help others even though they have one of the worst conditions known to man>"Chronic Pain."
Now although I'm no doctor or certified in any way, Lord knows I've had alot of experiance dealing w/ this subject! As you can see under my name I had prostate cancer which was treated w/ surgery 5 years ago. I've had zero PSA tests since then which means my continued remittion may be permenant, though I don't use the word cured, heard too many heartbreaking stories!! But my pc has left me w/ some personal scares which don't heal. One is hypogonadizm or like you & LLPLUV's husband, my boys don't produce testosterone anymore. It started shortly after my surgery and I had no idea what was wrong with me for 3 & 1/2 years of castration level hell! I came so close to loosing my wife and ultimately my own life over that crap so I do know what you are going through! Everyone thought I was crazy! I couldn't stop crying, had soaking hot flashes, confused and agsausted all the time as well as all the other fun symptoms a man gets when he's turning into a woman! No one and I mean NO ONE knows how you feel! I too have and had CP at the time to make things even worse. Not only wasn't I interested in sex, I didn't even look at any women (all men do) at all, the thought of sex almost turned my stomac and I was a kindoff sexaholic prior to all this! LLPLUV, this is for you too because your husband has come a long way and from what you've told us, I'm sure he still loves you dearly!! This subject is so hard for anyone to understand because it's not just a physical ailment, the male phychy (sp?) is a crazy mixedup sensitive place and our society does not help at all! My wife and I have been married since 1981 and have had a lot of ups and downs but none like this! I thank God everyday she didn't leave me and also that I didn't leave myself, I came very close! We are still not back to where we should be and we both agree we need more counselling but our (very long story) living arangements don't allow it at this time. She is in the midst of Metapause with other "lady problems" now and with all my problems, ours is for all practical purposes a sexless marrage although I'm still very hopeful that it doesn't have to be forever!! I can't offer any more advice than the others except think before you say it!! As you both said, it's hard to take things back after they are said, And yes, get help (counselling) as soon as you can! Love and family are worth fighting for and even if it's just a flicker of the flame it used to be there's a good chance to get that fire roaring again! Not that I'm any help but if either of you, (B.B & LLPLUV) would like to e-mail me or even talk on the phone, I'd be glad to help anyway I can! My e-mail listed behind my name is my work e-mail adress so please don't use it as I'm currently not working under threats from my PEEP's here on HWCP that if I return to work too soon I'll be in deep SH**!!
My prayers and big hugzs> even Guy hugz going out to All Y'all!!!!!!!!!
Your Friend,
Pete
PS> Just let me know and I'll post my correct E-mail & phone # in my stats behind my name if you need me!!!!!!! >>> I'm here!!
56 years old, Surgury, Radical Prostatectomy 8/20/03, PSA 6.6, Gleason 3 + 3 = 6, Adenocarcinoma extent (moderate) Stage & Margin:T2NOMX, No Metastases, Organ Confined, bone scan: Neg. 3 1/2 years of depression after surgery prior to Hypogonadizm DX, Testosterone Theropy> new 2/6/09> 400mg injections every 2weeks . 56 and so glad to still be here to see my two sons grow up to be fine young men. They are both serving in the US Navy, one on the aircraft carrier USS John Stennis in port in Japan and the other on a Gator Freighter USS Bataan stationed in Norfolk, Va. I am one proud PaPa! 


Tony McGuire
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 483
   Posted 3/31/2009 6:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Well, Susie, I finally got up the strength last week to call for an appointment myself. That was on Tuesday, and a promise that if the guy tasked with answering for service requests didn't call by the end of the day he would call the next day.

And I wait. And I wait. And I wait.

Imagine, a call for help that is never answered. Kinda goes against the reason for having the help, if you ask me.

No one around me here has a clue about CP, I guarantee that. Got a call from my sister and brother-in-law last night. After explaining what has been going on for the last year, it was obvious they won't be calling any time soon either.

Well, like Pamela Neckpain said - I'm going to go make a pot of coffee and face it.

Susie, I surely hope your week turns around, and you find a way to get back to counseling although it sounds like you've been searching for a while. All the best your way.

I'm seeing a bunch of negative on the forums today. Let's keep the faith, and everybody turn it around!
Wife: Liz, the choice of a lifetime
Dogs: Koshka & Chomp


Chutz
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 9090
   Posted 3/31/2009 3:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi and welcome BB!!

I am so sorry that your life is this miserable. As you can see there are some mighty wonderful people here ready to hold you up when ever you need us. I do know a tiny bit of this topic as the pain medicine I take kills desire but...I try to talk to hubby about it and that helps. It's hard to talk about....very hard but without communication, like White Beard said, it's not going to be resolved.

I am in awe of how gentle and respectfully you all are handling this subject. Don't worry about "disclaimers"...I think Tom was trying to lighten up the subject...at least he made me chuckle.

Hugs!
Chutzie
Co-Moderator Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Forums
~~~
Fibromyalgia, Ulcerative Colitis, Insulin dependent diabetic, PTSD, dermatitis herpetiformus, osteoarthritis and a few other side dishes.
***************
Happiness is something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for."
(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")


Tony McGuire
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 483
   Posted 3/31/2009 3:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Chutzie: Tom or Tony?

When I wrote 'around me here' I meant literally people around me (physically) in my everyday life. I hope no one took any of my comments negatively. I meant nothing negative.

This is all supposition that you were addressing 'Tony'. And yes, I did mean to interject humor.

And if anyone is in doubt as to my intentions, I can tell you that if I ever am going to get rude on purpose, everyone will know my intention.
(And since I won't get rude in public on purpose, you shouldn't ever see it.)
Wife: Liz, the choice of a lifetime
Dogs: Koshka & Chomp


Chutz
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 9090
   Posted 3/31/2009 3:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for your thoughtful comments Tony!

Hugs to ya!
Chutzie

btw, I never thought I would meet someone else with a dog named Chomp!..lol We had a black cocker spaniel years ago who the kids named Chomps because of the way he ate. He chomped down everything!
Co-Moderator Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Forums
~~~
Fibromyalgia, Ulcerative Colitis, Insulin dependent diabetic, PTSD, dermatitis herpetiformus, osteoarthritis and a few other side dishes.
***************
Happiness is something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for."
(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")


Been Butchered
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 4/1/2009 7:04 AM (GMT -7)   
**UPDATE**

I think my pleads to my wife for support have struck a nerve (terrible use of the language, seeing as though I am here for nerve damage and all). We grew intimate two nights ago during which time she softly whispered a question to me while we were kissing: "what do we need to do to fix things?" My answer was simple, just appreciate each other and respect what we do for the family.

Since then, things have really turned around for the better. I have regularly asked her to gently tickle the area that feels like someone is holding a cigarette lighter to it and she had always rejected me. Her excuse is "I'm afraid I'll hurt you" or "I'm too tired." Well last night, she jumped on it and did it for 15 minutes and it seemed like she actually wanted to do and it wasn't being forced. We even laid on the couch watching "Dancing with the Stars" scantily clad. This is all the kind of stuff that means a ton to me now that sex itself has become mechanical and painful. But we even did that too, two nights ago.

I'm sorry this is getting personal, but I really feel that this website (and one other similar one that I found) has played a role in us understanding each other so quickly. Thanks to all you wonderful people who have welcomed me here and shared some wonderful advice with me. Hopefully once we make it to counseling, our marriage will as good (if not better) than ever. I'll keep you posted and I will offer suggestions to others that have been effective in my own experiences.

White Beard
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3611
   Posted 4/1/2009 7:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Good for You! Been Butchered! I hope things work out well for you! I strongly urge the two of you to get into counseling as soon as you can, it could make your marriage better and stronger!

Good Luck to both of You

White Beard
 

I'm Retired USAF, went back to school and became an RN, and now am on ful disalbility!

Degenerative Disc (affecting mostly the thorasic disc but all levels involved), C6/7 laminectomy/diskectomy& fusion, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!)

Medications: Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV


Danimal
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 80
   Posted 4/1/2009 12:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh gosh..Been Butchered...my heart simply breaks for you..and I feel like I want to cry, given how little support you've been getting from your wife. The fact that she's gone as far as to say that she doesn't believe you're in pain?! I just can't imagine how much that hurt for you to hear. Not having one's pain validated..especially by those they love is one of the worst feelings.

I imagine that there is a fair bit of resentment towards you on your wife's part. She probably resents that you aren't taking care of the family the way you used to and that she's had to step up into a different role. Is she a very traditional person? But, obviously, that does not excuse a lack of support..given the fact that you have no control over what happened to you. Obviously, you wouldn't have chosen this path for yourself.

I'm sure the lack of desire she feels stems from her resentment and general issues. Women tend to have a difficult time getting turned on if there are any major, unresolved issues in the relationship. My feeling is, if things got better between you in general, the sex and intimacy would follow.

Finally, are you in pain management?

Danimal
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 80
   Posted 4/1/2009 12:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh..just saw your update after I posted. I'm so, so glad that you were able to experience intimacy with your wife..that's so important to a marriage and also to a patient in chronic pain. I find that, when I'm in worse pain, I'm much more "needy" for hugs and physical attention from DH than otherwise.

Anyway, I'm really thrilled that you were able to snuggie on the couch and also have some time together in the bedroom.

I hope things continue to get better.

Danimal

Chronic Stimulation- a blog about being young, living with a neurostimulator and being in pain
http://chronicstimulation.blogspot.com/

White Beard
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3611
   Posted 4/1/2009 6:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Danimal I am impressed with your Chronic Stimulation blog, it was very interesting, you did a nice job with it! You are extremely well spoken and I enjoyed the visit! Your love of books rminds me of my oldest daughter! She always said she was going to be a Librarian some day, who knows maybe she will, right now she is head of the language department at a highschool and teaches 6 spanish classes a day. But she is a book-a-holic! She always has been!
Anyway you have been through so much for being so young! I do hope your neurostimulator will continue to be successful for you!

Good Luck to You

White Beard
 

I'm Retired USAF, went back to school and became an RN, and now am on ful disalbility!

Degenerative Disc (affecting mostly the thorasic disc but all levels involved), C6/7 laminectomy/diskectomy& fusion, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!)

Medications: Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV

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