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Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 536
   Posted 4/11/2009 10:53 PM (GMT -6)   
I was reading what was written on my previous post. It was all long and running together, kind of hard to keep up with.
Thank you all for your words of encouragement and support. It means so much to  me. I feel like you genuinely care. I know I am not the only person who has felt this way before. It is just so overwhelming, all these feelings. I feel like I am watching my world crumble around before me, like I am watching it in slow motion. And I  feel helpless, like I can't stop it.
I am still working. When it all first started, I went home from work a couple times from the pain. And I called in once or twice. But I have to work. The bills won't stop. The world still spins no matter how I hurt. I just make myself go, after miserable day. I work in a pediatric office as a nurse.  I love my job and that helps a little. It is embarrassing when I call my patients back to the exam room and they get there before I do. My pain is ofcourse in my lower back. But it  is worse in my left buttock,hip and the side of my left leg. I walk like my left foot is broken. I get the pins and needles sensation in my buttock and foot. It hurts all the time. Someone mentioned that it would be a good idea to take a couple days before the surgery off to get some rest. That would be great. However, I will work the day before my surgery. I don't have enough sick and vacation time accumulated. I will go into short term disability after being out for 2 weeks.  Then  I will only get 60% of my pay. And I will be out of wok atleast 6 weeks.  So financially this is going to hurt us pretty bad. But I can't put it off any longer. I can't take the pain.
Someone mentioned getting professional help. I agree. I probably do need it. I'll just have to put in on the back burner for now. I don't really have the money for it right now. I do have insurance, but we are already strapped for money. I haven't even paid this months bills yet. I don't feel like I have the energy for counseling right now... I am drained. I am taking elavil at night. The bottle says to take 1 or 2 at bedtime. I always take 1. Maybe I need to take 2 and see if it helps any.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 639
   Posted 4/12/2009 12:22 AM (GMT -6)   

We'll be here for you as long as you need us. :-) I understand what it's like to try to work and feel like you have nothing left. I'm there too. And also barely scraping by on the bills - some months not making them all. Do you go to a Pain Management Clinic? Mine has a neuropsychiatrist on staff, and seeing him is part of the multiple therapies (medical, physical, emotional, etc...) approach they take. It actually costs me less to go see him than it does to see the PM or even to refill some of my scripts! You might check with your insurance to see if you have coverage. For mine, the neuropsych fits under a different category than a traditional counselor, so it goes under the medical deductible. My back usually flares several times a year badly enough to land me in the hospital for a protracted stay, and after the first one of those I've usually met the deductible (well, not paid, but owe) and then all the visits are covered.

I wish you the best with your surgery. I'll be thinking of you on the day before & of. I had surgery this year too (not related to my back issue), and also had to work right up to the day before. I live alone, and no one else knew what was going on - I didn't tell my employer either - I took vacation days for recovery. I still remember racing home over the lunch hour to take the "cocktail" prescribed to clear the pipes & such shocked. Ugh. eyes I managed to keep it down for about 15 minutes before it all came back up, but that was long enough for it to do its thing... blush After the rather explosive and not so pleasant, but just-as-advertised result of the treatment was finally over, I managed to compose myself and somehow made it back out the door to the office to finish the work day. I still can't believe I did that! LOL I spent most of that afternoon trying to keep my stomach from rumbling and hoping I wouldn't hurl or have to run to the bathroom for other yucky reasons! smhair But I made it! If it helps, you can picture how silly I probably looked and laugh a bit at me to take your mind off things! turn

Keep us posted as you can. We'll be thinking of you.

Post Edited (ryand) : 4/11/2009 11:25:35 PM (GMT-6)

White Beard
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3602
   Posted 4/12/2009 12:51 AM (GMT -6)   
anice do you only have short term disability? I knowwhen I worked at the hospital I had both long and short term disability. Also I know it can be rough with the bills and that,

When You said:("Thank you all for your words of encouragement and support. It means so much to me. I feel like you genuinely care. I know I am not the only person who has felt this way before. It is just so overwhelming, all these feelings. I feel like I am watching my world crumble around before me, like I am watching it in slow motion. And I feel helpless, like I can't stop it.") We do care, I care, I know exactly what you mean in your statement! I have been through that when I first had to stop working and was put on disability, my world as I knew it was coming apart at the seams, as you say "crumbling around before me" that is exactly how it was, but I did survive it, but I am a different person than what I was, it changed me and maybe changed other things too! and now over ten years later it is happening again to me, but in a slightly different way, but your words capture and describe my feelings completely.

anice, You will make it through all this, You will! I know as a nurse that you want to be able to do it all, and I also know nurses often look out after, and take care of everyone, but themselves! I again say to you as one nurse to another, please take care of yourself and be good to yourself!
I wish you only the Best!
White Beard
  I'm Retired USAF, went back to school and became an RN, and now am on full disalbility!--Degenerative Disc (affecting mostly the thorasic disc but all levels involved), C6/7 laminectomy/diskectomy& fusion, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!) Medications: Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV

Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 487
   Posted 4/12/2009 7:18 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi anice:

I've been reading all your posts and I feel for your situation. I continued to work for several years after my accident, and when I had my first several surgeries, I got no pay at all. I was a teacher at a county jail, and even though they took regular taxes out, I was considered "contracted" and was not eligible for any disability. Before my first surgery, I asked my surgeon's staff several times to check into what kind of benefits I had (through my husband) for a nurse's aide ahead of time, so I could be sure to have one lined up for when I got home, but they kept telling me that that was something that was done by a social worker at the hospital. 3 days after my surgery, the social worker came to my hospital room and told me that my husband's insurance did not cover a nurse's aide at all.

I had 3 young children at home, one that was only 2 1/2 months old, so I turned to my family (my parents, and my twin sister and her husband) for help, I had always been there for them, but two weeks after my surgery they "disowned" me because they did not want to feel obligated to take care of me and they haven't spoken to me since (12 years).

As a result, my husband had to take off under the Family Medical Leave Act at 1/2 pay, so we went from 2 salary's down to half of 1. We lost our home, which we had paid 7 1/2 years of a 15 year mortgage on, never late once, and when we called the bank hoping to work something out, they refused to even discuss it, they just told us to let them know when we were out.

As awful as it all was, somehow with what I feel had to be divine intervention, we got through it and you will too. I will keep you in my thoughts and I will pray that this surgery takes care of whatever is causing your pain.

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