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Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 9090
   Posted 4/21/2009 11:47 PM (GMT -6)   
As I look back to when I was approaching marrying age I am amazed I could walk and talk at the same time. <sheesh> I was so naive it was embarrassing. blush I wish I had someone who I respected give me some guidance back then. And I wish I would have waited. I married at 19 and not for the right reasons. At least I got it right the second time around! smilewinkgrin

If you were given the chance, what advice would you have for young couples? In my opinion I would encourage them to get themselves 'together' before they thought about living with someone else. So often immaturity causes young people to break up a marriage, when they should not have gotten married in the first place. Grow up before you marry.

Anyone else have advice for young couples today?
Co-Moderator Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Forums
Fibromyalgia, Ulcerative Colitis, Insulin dependent diabetic, PTSD, dermatitis herpetiformus, osteoarthritis and a few other side dishes.
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White Beard
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3602
   Posted 4/22/2009 12:27 AM (GMT -6)   
I do agree with you completely! Maturity makes a big difference, but at that age 19 or early twentys even if you had someone that you respected would you have listened? I know when I was that age I knew it all! I was invincible and nobody could really tell me much of anything! I think most people when they are young, are like that. Unfortunately we tend to learn from the life of hard knocks! I don't know maybe that is just how life is suppose to be. But I would also add to what you said, never fall for someone when you are on the rebound! I know everyone knows that! Everyone always says that, but how many young people practice it or actually believe it? I didn't! You know we all can look back, hind sight is 20/20, knowledge and maturity has finally settled in. I would like to think, that sharing our knowledge and maturity with young people could or would be of help to them, but I am just not sure they would listen!

White Beard
  I'm Retired USAF, went back to school and became an RN, and now am on full disalbility!--Degenerative Disc (affecting mostly the thorasic disc but all levels involved), C6/7 laminectomy/diskectomy& fusion, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!) Medications: Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV

Tony McGuire
Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 483
   Posted 4/22/2009 9:09 AM (GMT -6)   
Even if you get married, children are not an absolute necessity.
While you should agree on WHETHER you wish children, I think the idea of when is also a critical issue. Children aren't like toys or pets; one that can be discarded and the other that has a more limited lifetime.
Children are a lifelong responsibility. Be sure you are ready at the time to make that commitment.
Wife: Liz, the choice of a lifetime
Dogs: Koshka Prayer & Chomp Prayer

Becoming undone
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 927
   Posted 4/22/2009 11:17 AM (GMT -6)   
I was older when I got married, as was my husband. We both had done a lot of the growing up already (both 33 at the time)...we are both children of divorce. We talked about EVERYTHING...especially finances (my parents had way different view on this and it caused many of the other problems). I would encourage any person to do that premarital counseling thing (either with their clergy or other professional)...they came up with things about conflict resolution and expectations that helped out, and continue to this day...
"The earth laughs in flowers"

Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 487
   Posted 4/25/2009 5:06 AM (GMT -6)   

I feel very strongly that you should be friends first, maybe in a group setting, before you become romantically involved.  My husband and I were both very active in our religion from a very young age, and saving ourselves for our wedding night was extremely important to us.  We started dating when I was 14 and he was 22, but even though I was very young, I was very mature for my age because I grew up in a home with a mentally ill Mom and a very overwhelmed Dad, and it was up to me to run the household (cook, clean, take care of my siblings, etc.). 

My parents did not know that we had been dating until we had already been doing so for 2 years, and understandably they were very angry.  Even though we had very strong religious convictions we were determined to live up to, and we viewed dating as a "tool" to find a marriage mate, not just something you did for fun, and we were obviously very much in love, my parents demanded that I break it off immediately.  Thankfully, my husbands best friends Mom, who also was friendly with my Mom pulled her aside and told her that if they pushed this issue, that they were going to force my husband and I to do something really drastic like run off to another state where it was legal to marry at a younger age without parental concent. 

My parents put some very tough restrictions on us, for example, we were only allowed to see each other once a week and we had to be chaperoned everywhere we went by one of our parents, but we knew that as soon as I graduated high school (which I did a year early by "doubling up" and taking my 11th & 12th grade classes at the same time), that we would get married. 

We dated for a total of 3 years and 3 months.  We got engaged the night before I graduated from high school, and we were married 4 months later.  I know the statistics on teen marriage, but that was 23 1/2 years ago, and we are still married, very much in love, and still best friends.

I look at my kids now, and I think about my 16 year old, I was planning my wedding at his age, and I look at my 21 year old and think I was already married fo 4 years, and had a 2 year old, and I can't even imagine it because my kids are not even close to being mature enough to keep a relationship going for more than a few weeks, but my situation was somewhat unique, and it was the right choice for me.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 1713
   Posted 4/25/2009 5:28 AM (GMT -6)   
Wow bluejet, you and I are very similar in a lot of ways. My husband and I will be celebrating our fortieth anniversary this July 12 and we got married when I graduated at 17 as well. I met my husband when I was 14 and he was 18. Although there were four years apart between us and my parents had some reservations, we also had a very strong relationship, my parents and me. They trusted me implictly and allowed me to date him.

When we went to the priest to establish bans in the church,the priest started out to discourage us when he first learned my age, but when he found out we had been together for three years, he changed his mind and said,well you better get married. I feel I was very mature for my age, as was my husband. He was from another country and had to work at the age of nine and learn another language. He was in the air force at the time we married and stationed overseas, so I went to England for the first year of our marriage.

I do not think it is a good idea for someone to get married so young though and I would discourage anyone from doing so, if they asked me. It's just too difficult today. I went back to college 10 years after high school and after having my two girls. My husband was unique. He really encouraged me to go to college and went himself. I became an RN and he eventually worked as an air traffic controller for the FAA. Believe me we struggled a lot and then there was the question of my health, being laid up in bed for two years with a very bad back and then my depression years. Our marriage has seen the test of time. I thank God for the man I married. He has stuck by me through thick and thin and vice versa.

Thanks for letting me share.

Moderator Chronic Pain
Believe in yourself.  Be kind to fellow humans and animals.  Take time to smell the flowers and the coffee.
And by all means, when you are down, ask me for help.  I will be there.

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