Post Edited (Falling apart in TX) : 4/22/2009 12:52:53 PM (GMT-6)
Post Edited (White Beard) : 4/22/2009 4:08:01 PM (GMT-6)
Fal-ling...I love that!
I am glad if my post has helped you somehow.
I just felt the need to get it out.
I hope you have a good, restful evening!
Post Edited (Falling apart in TX) : 4/22/2009 7:12:36 PM (GMT-6)
Falling apart, I too have danced with death far too many times in my life. Not my own death but the death of so many so loved in so little time. I felt close to death myself,too comfortable with it,too familiar,living so closely in my house my life.
In the course of 4 years I lost my husband,my child,my Mother,Father, a lifetime friend,and almost my 34 year old Brother as he fought and finally beat cancer after 2 years.
Way too many losses in so short a time.
I can say this there is nothing absolutely nothing in this life that can cause more pain then the loss of a child,anything after that even my own mortality is of no essence. I do NOT want to live long enough to bury another child so in saying that I beg for the passing of my own self long before that of my children becomes an issue.
I veiw death different after having spent so much time with it so close to my door for so long.
I know from my own experience that I wont be forgotten the memories no matter how small will always remain with my kids and those close to me just as mine do of those I have lost. There isnt a day or moment that passes when I dont remember my loved ones in some way,no I dont dwell in the grief this far out and the remembering doesnt bring profound sadness. I can think of them all and smile for those things that they left of themselves behind no matter how insignificant that might be.
It may be some thing my Mom use to say or the way she taught me to do something like make biscuits, I have to say I have become her as I grew older,that very thing we all fear as teenagers,becoming like our parents,the smell of my young daughter as a infant,so no I have no fear whatsoever I will be forgotten for a moment by those whose lives I have touched no matter how small or how short that touch might be.
I like Pete think it wont matter to me so much after I am gone for my pain will be over and my next journey will have begun. Life has a way of easing the pain for those left behind and leaving the ability to smile at those remembered times and places.
Post Edited (White Beard) : 4/23/2009 3:13:33 PM (GMT-6)
Falling Thank you for sharing!
Angel, I am so so sorry!
I wanted to say that my Mom died when I was 16, I had younger brothers who were ages 10, 7 and 6. I felt your feelings Falling....but just know that Children never forget their mothers. There is a whole in your heart and life that can never be filled by ANYONE!! I remember a few years back my youngest brother was in his 30's and he called me and said I can't remember what Mom smelled like, he said for years I felt close to her because I could smell her. He was crying....so you see what I am saying. My next to the youngest brother was in a serious Motorcyle accident when he was 25 (he also had Hodgkins at age 11 and had only a 20% chance of surviving...he DID). He hit a telephone pole head on most of the impact with his chin..every bone in his face was broken where the helmet wasn't, he bit his tongue almost off, broke many bones and no one knew for 10 days that he had a burn on his back from the tailpipe...anyway he died while in the Emergency Room and they were able to revive him... a few years back he asked me if we buried Mom in pink and I said yes, he said I knew it, it was her who pushed me back. He was scared to tell anyone of this experience but felt safe to tell me. My point is children never forget and Mothers well they never really leave us!!
You touched my heart!
Thank you all for your kindness I am humbled your words as I feel each of you as you try to imagine that pain.
It did profoundly change my life and still does each day in some way. I think it made me a better Mother,daughter,friend. I take not one moment one second of life for granted, I let not one day pass that I dont speak my mind,let the words flow to those in my life for I know first hand that tomorrow may take my chance to say them away.
I help my daughter as she left this life and her life slipped away. It had been a long hard battle for her and she was weak and tired and in far too much pain for a body so little,that moment of transition from life to death brought such peace and tranquility to her face that I knew at that very moment in time like I had never knew anything else,that yes there are some things worse then dying.
I was mad,angry,God,higher powers,whatever turned his back on me that day and took away the very essence of my being. I spoke harsh words to alot of people that day and hurt many feelings as I ranted and cursed all that I believed in and finally as I sat in the court yard at the hospital my Moms Minister of music who had been a lifelong friend of my families came and sat with me. He says to me "why are you so angry? Why are you cursing the very beliefs you have? I looked at him awed that he could ask such a thing at such a time and yet fearing if I opened my mouth I would curse a "man of God".
He went on and wouldnt stop in persistance of the whys and finally I shouted at him that I asked his God to help me and my child and got nothing,nothing,how could such a loving idol turn his back on a child in misery?
He said to me very quietly, what exactly did you ask for? I said I asked him to make this better,do something anyting. He says then what exactly do you think you didnt get from that?
My child is dead! He said you asked him to make it better,do something for you or for her? He could not undue the wrath that nature had done to her but he could do what you asked of him and make it better for her and he did just what you asked of him. She is now in no pain,she doesnt fight for each breath she takes,her kidneys are not leaking posion into her small body no longer,she is at peace and surrounded by those who love her and are here no more and cherished in the memory of those left behind,what a legacy for her.
Those words sustained me thru days and nights I thought I would lose my mind! I slept under her crib for many a night, I carried her small clothes in my purse, I heard her cries in my moments of darkness but in the end each new day brought a little more peace in my heart. One day I would smile again when I remembered her,one day I could go to the cemetary and celebrate her birthday with joy and not so much pain and one day I knew it was OK and she was better for her passing.
I guess in it all I got caught up in the make her betters that I forgot that it isnt so much as what we ask that higher power as how he responds to our asking. It simply is a matter of be careful what you ask for isnt it?
The poems are lovely and I had heard one of them before but not the other and it is so so true.
Dont ever think your words are insignificant at those times,they might not be acknowlged right then but the reciever is listening somewhere in the grief and will recall your kindness when the fog of grief lifts,you cannot ever say the wrong thing in voicing your feelings about death to someone when it comes from the heart.
It isnt a subject any of us care to think about and the contemplating of losing another child well just gives me cold chills! I know though thru it all somehow we survive one day at time,maybe the fact I had other kids that needed me,I couldnt turn away from life and leave them or their pain made those steps lighter for me then it does for some. I too PAlady seen those who stand still in those times of loss,it as though their feet are far too heavy to move and their hearts are certainly broke like nothing else can. I have no idea why some us survive and others dont fare as well but I am sure it had to do with those that held me up when I couldnt hold up myself.