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Falling apart in TX
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 4/22/2009 11:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Sorry this is so long. I just got on a roll!
How many here have had to look the grim reaper in the eye? I did almost two years ago, waltzed with him for three months and I didn't blink. However, that experience changed me  in ways I am still trying to understand.
 
I knew I was gaining weight, feeling like I was dying, hurting from head to toe and generally feeling crappy. I would wake up in the morning feeling like a truck had run over me in the night with a body so stiff and achy I literally couldn't move for a few minutes after standing.
 
I had spent the last 7 years going from doctor to doctor trying to get a definite Dx but one eluded me. I saw an Orthopedist about my lower back, he said, ankylosing spodylitis and herniated disc/ with degeneration... wanted to do surgery. I saw another Ortho who said my cervical spine is "a mess" (stenosis & Myleopathy) and wanted to do surgery.  Finally I went to a Rhumey who said I had Osteoarthritis and Fibromyalgia, so I got on the internet and began to read. Along the way I ran across an academic paper about the correlation between Fibro and Thyroid function.
 
I went to an Endocrinologist who thought I may have a pituitary tumor because of the weight gain, so she sent me in for an MRI. No pituitary tumor, but a HUGE (tennis ball size) Meningioma was living in my right sphenoid process and pushing into my temporal and frontal lobes. The tumor was pushing my brain way to the left an pulling on the brain stem, my brain was swelling and I could die at any time! I was in shock! What to do...what to do! I now had a new Dx's of Brain Tumor, Poly Cystic Ovary syndrome, no Hgh and generally screwed up hormones to add to my growing list of aliments.
 
Fortunatley, I live near Houston, where M.D. Anderson hospital is. My endo sent me to a great neuro who sent me to MDA and their best neurosurgeon. My life became a whirlwind of tests, mri's, ct scans and trips to the hospital. I did what I needed to do, with my husband by my side the whole time. The tumor was removed in May of 2007.
 
But in those quite moments when no one else was around, the grim reaper and I danced. It wasn't the thought of dying that I found so hard to deal with. If I died...it would simply be over for me. No pain, no thought, no nothing.
 
No, what got me was...the thought of another woman stepping into my life! How dare someone else share the best life experiences with the children I bore and raised. How could someone else live in the home I spent years decorating and gardening in. Loving my husband and being loved by him? It broke my heart! It made me angry! It was the thought of missing out on seeing my two youngest sons graduate college, get married, seeing my first grandchild born (oldest son's wife was pregnant). It was the thought of someone I love needing help and me not being there to help them. It was the fear of being forgotten.
 
It did strange things to me emotionally that I will never recover from. It made me go to places within myself, I now wish I hadn't gone. It made me look at myself and family from a position I never would have otherwise. I can't say I am better or worse off for having experienced it all, but I am profoundly changed. I can't say I have beat the reaper...I have just evaded him for awhile.
 
 

Post Edited (Falling apart in TX) : 4/22/2009 12:52:53 PM (GMT-6)


Pamela Neckpain
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1821
   Posted 4/22/2009 11:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Falling,

I love what you wrote.
I can't speak now.

Pamela

Pamela Neckpain
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1821
   Posted 4/22/2009 12:00 PM (GMT -7)   
P.S.

I've been in my chair. I've been thinking. It's a good thing to do every now and
then.

"Ah'll Be Bach," as Arnold Schwatzenager, governor of our late great state says.

hopeisreal
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 345
   Posted 4/22/2009 12:20 PM (GMT -7)   
But in those quite moments when no one else was around, the grim reaper and I danced. It wasn't the thought of dying that I found so hard to deal with. If I died...it would simply be over for me. No pain, no thought, no nothing.

No, what got me was...the thought of another woman stepping into my life! How dare someone else share the best life experiences with the children I bore and raised. How could someone else live in the home I spent years decorating and gardening in. Loving my husband and being loved by him? It broke my heart! It made me angry! It was the thought of missing out on seeing my two youngest sons graduate college, get married, seeing my first grandchild born (oldest son's wife was pregnant). It was the thought of someone I love needing help and me not being there to help them. It was the fear of being forgotten.

It did strange things to me emotionally that I will never recover from. It made me go to places within myself, I now wish I hadn't gone. It made me look at myself and family from a position I never would have otherwise. I can't say I am better or worse off for having experienced it all, but I am profoundly changed. I can't say I have beat the reaper...I have just evaded him for awhile.

THIS is exactly what I fear the most!  EXACTLY!  So, I don't know if I encountered the grim reaper as you have.  But, I am in the "we don't know what is wrong with you" phase of my pains.  So, of course, I sit here and think the worst (health anxiety)!  And, that is where my thoughts run wild with the same thoughts you wrote---someone else stepping in to take my place!  Would pictures of me be taken down?  Would my kids remember what my voice sounded like?  Would they be able to watch old videos with ME in them?  Would this 'new' person be funny like I am (that's what my kids tell me- that I am funny and fun)? Would she be a better person than me?  Would my hubby always think of me as his 'true love'- or just move on?  We have a pretty amazing connection---but, the thought is always there!
 
I feel selfish thinking those thoughts---but, can't help it!  Part of me WANTS the MDs to find something, just so I don't feel like I am crazy; so we can 'get on with it' and try to cure it!  Other parts of me want nothing to be wrong---and it's 'all in my head'.  But, mostly, I pray everyday that whatever they find---it's 'minor' and easily taken care of!
 
Thanks for posting this.....  this is exactly how I feel and think!
 
Laurel<!-- Edit -->

Falling apart in TX
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 4/22/2009 12:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Laurel,
Please continue on you search for answers to your medical questions. You have to be your own champion!
The thoughts you think aren't selfish at all. Those thoughts convey the depth of your love for your family.
There was a time when I too wondered if I was going nuts. But, perserverance paid off. Now I know what is wrong with me, I only have to find a way to cope with it. Surgery after surgery, or not? Time will tell. Living with CP is a difficult thing to do.

White Beard
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3610
   Posted 4/22/2009 3:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Falling apart in TX

I find your post very interesting and very thought provoking, maybe it is because I am a male, maybe males and females think differently? or maybe it is because I have worked in a career (Onocology Unit) that death was something that happened and all to frequently! Personally I feel it is just a transition from one state of being to another, whatever that might be! I hope this doesn't sound funny or weird, but when I worked on Onco and one of my terminally ill patients passed on I said Goodbye to them and  I wished them well on their journey!

If I die tomorrow will I be remembered? I don't know? But does it even matter? I will not be here! I will be somewhere else! Where ever that might be! My life here will be over, so why should I care? While I am here and when I think about it, YES, I get a little sad, but then I realize, that when my time, does come to leave this existence here, it will not matter! It just won't, because I won't be here! I will be gone!

I am in the process of getting a divorce, my wife could very well find another person to be with, just as some day I might find someone else. I don't know that either one of us will or won't find another person, but it is possible! What is the difference, between that?, and one of us dieing and the other finding someone else? Are we are both not going on, and continueing with our lives, in one way or another, in what ever fashion that might be?
Just my thoughts!

White Beard


  I'm Retired USAF, went back to school and became an RN, and now am on full disalbility!--Degenerative Disc (affecting mostly the thorasic disc but all levels involved), C6/7 laminectomy/diskectomy& fusion, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!) Medications: Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV

Post Edited (White Beard) : 4/22/2009 4:08:01 PM (GMT-6)


Falling apart in TX
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 4/22/2009 4:39 PM (GMT -7)   
White Beard said...
Falling apart in TX

I find your post very interesting and very thought provoking, maybe it is because I am a male, maybe males and females think differently? or maybe it is because I have worked in a career (Onocology Unit) that death was something that happened and all to frequently! Personally I feel it is just a transition from one state of being to another, whatever that might be! I hope this doesn't sound funny or weird, but when I worked on Onco and one of my terminally ill patients passed on I said Goodbye to them and  I wished them well on their journey!
 
I agree it is just a transition, I personally believe in heaven. Death is nothing more than the final step in the cycle of life.

If I die tomorrow will I be remembered? I don't know? But does it even matter? I will not be here! I will be somewhere else! Where ever that might be! My life here will be over, so why should I care? While I am here and when I think about it, YES, I get a little sad, but then I realize, that when my time, does come to leave this existence here, it will not matter! It just won't, because I won't be here! I will be gone!
 
On this I disagree. All we have of the ones who have left us are our memories and sometimes genetic coding. It is the memories that keep us tied to them, that keep them tied to us. Maybe it is a female thing, but having children and raising them is a labor of love. From the time they are born we look forward to those milestones in their lives including graduation,marriage and grandkids, the thought of being robbed of this was hard for me to bear.

I am in the process of getting a divorce, my wife could very well find another person to be with, just as some day I might find someone else. I don't know that either one of us will or won't find another person, but it is possible! What is the difference, between that?, and one of us dieing and the other finding someone else? Are we are both not going on, and continueing with our lives, in one way or another, in what ever fashion that might be?
 
I am sorry to hear of your impending divorce. It always makes me sad to hear of such things.
 
I guess the biggest difference in our perspective is not so much gender as it is choices, and the right and time to make them. If I had chosen to divorce my husband, or he me, then I am sure I would have felt differently at the time. However, we have been together for 35 years and the thought of it all of being taken away from "us" through no fault or choice of our own was just too much to bear at the time.
 
Thank you for Posting. I enjoy reading your posts very much!
 
 
 
Just my thoughts!

White Beard


Pamela Neckpain
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1821
   Posted 4/22/2009 4:45 PM (GMT -7)   
How can I go forward when I
don't know
which way I'm facing?
How can I go forward when I don't know
which way to turn
How can I go forward into
something I'm not sure of
oh no. oh no. ----------------------John Lennon "Imagine"

Fal ling,
Your post came at a good time for me, I suppose.
The other day my daughter asked me:
"How do I tell my daughters about sex?"
I told her I didn't know. I've never known. I suggested a book.
She said, "It''s too bad, Mom, you SHOULD have know"
and then I fainted <Thud>
She laughed and said, "It's not that bad. I was 16"
She has a solid warm, loving family now. She's 31.
Girls: 4, 2, and one due June 3.

Then she said, "Makena thinks YOUR mother was eating by dinosaurs."
"No way!" I said.
"Yes!" so "What do I tell her?" and "What if Ouzo dies?" <black Lab with
Cancer>
My standard answer "Get a book." but "Take ALL your dinasour books out
of your library!!"
Down deep I know she's worried about me.

So, I must get a book.
After walking in the water a little too long last summer.
the pain was so intense that I thought it was over
I think that many times.

I can take it. I'm kinda ok with it.
I look at my husband, my spirit leader.
He tried to keep me "up" He tries so hard.
I cannot leave him alone. Can't.
I can't leave them. God!

Anyway, your words have been in my mind all day.
I haven't done a thing. I'm still in my blue-green light nighty.
I NEEDED to say somethig. To get some of it out into the light of day.

Thank you, Fal ling. I hope this opens up a little. It's good for our souls.

Pamela
MEDICAL CONDITIONS

Osteoarthritis all levels of spine right down to Coccyx,Spondilytis,Myofascial Pain
Fibromyalgia,Bulging Discs,Spinal Stenosis,Scoliosis,Osteopenia,Chronic Constipation
Carpel Tunel Syndrome, Attention Deficit Disorder,
Depression & Anxiety

Methadone for Pain, Xanax for Anxiety, and more, of course.


Falling apart in TX
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 4/22/2009 5:07 PM (GMT -7)   

Pamela,

Fal-ling...I love that! yeah

I am glad if my post has helped you somehow.

I just felt the need to get it out.

I hope you have a good, restful evening!

Fal-ling. :-)


Pete trips again!
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1899
   Posted 4/22/2009 5:27 PM (GMT -7)   
I was 21 years old when my Father died. That same year, I lost several other close relatives and several more close friends. It seemed like I was going from one funeral to another which pretty much numbed me and my feelings twards death. Depression (something they knew little about back then) set in BIG TIME!!! I was in collage at the time and I developed sever bleeding ulcers while I was a nationally ranked competitive swimmer. My coach who was a former Olympic coach had some alumni who became doctors (coache's cronies) who treated me or tried to keep me well enough to swim. They gave me more drugs than anyone in this day and age would ever believe! When the season was over after I became division #2 national champion in my best event setting both New England and national records they were done with me and dropped me like a hot potato! With no more valium, phenobarbatol or seconal scripts I ended up in a hospital detoxing while my classmates were graduation. I felt so guilty for missing graduation and was in such a funk I learned how to self medicate myself w/ all manor of street drugs and alcahol and developed what I know now was a sort of death wish. I just knew and told everyone there was no way I would ever reach 30 and with everything I put myself through it's truly a miracle that I did let alone 50! I should have been killed at least 10 times over, more than any cat! I can not explain why I'm still here except there has to be a reason that I am! (My two Sons??) I am now living with the pain of all those old injuries. I can hardly name a part of my body that hasn't been broken at least once and every morning it's usually a suprise for me which part is going to hurt more although my neck has been taking top honnors for a couple months now. Hmmm my neck? was it the motorcycle crash went I flew over 100' landing on my head and split my helmut in 1/2 and breaking my neck or that head w/ a station wagon while in my best friend's porsch that cut him in 1/2 (DOA) and sent me through the pop out roof while my legs were still in the car shattering my pelvis & breaking my back & neck leaving me in a coma for 2 weeks????????? I've had two types of cancer which both were opperated on and hopefully will never return and my body is starting to resemble a roadmap from all the scars. Yep, I've danced w/ the reeper a couple times and my attitude twards deat is totally changed since I was young. I'm still not afraid to die but for me like you guys, it's my family. I never thought I could have so much love in my heart. I don't want to leave my boys the way my Dad left me! I don't want them to feel that pain! And most of all, I don't want them to end up the way I did! Sorry for the novel, it could have been alot longer> There is so much to tell but I've bored Y'all enough already!! Yes, this is one Heavy Topic!
Your (still alive) Friend,
Pete
56 years old, Surgury, Radical Prostatectomy 8/20/03, PSA 6.6, Gleason 3 + 3 = 6, Adenocarcinoma extent (moderate) Stage & Margin:T2NOMX, No Metastases, Organ Confined, bone scan: Neg. 3 1/2 years of depression after surgery prior to Hypogonadizm DX, Testosterone Theropy> new 2/6/09> 400mg injections once a month. 56 and so glad to still be here to see my two sons grow up to be fine young men. They are both serving in the US Navy, one on the aircraft carrier USS John Stennis in port in Thailand and the other on a Gator Freighter USS Bataan stationed in Norfolk, Va. to be deployed to the Middle East in early May. I am one very proud (what they call me)> Big Pops! 


Falling apart in TX
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 4/22/2009 6:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Pete,
You are one charmed fellow! I'm glad you're still here with us. It sounds like you walked on the "wild side" in your youth. I'm sure your beloved sons have benefited from your vast life experiences. It's an amazing thing, the depth and breadth of love we feel for our children, isn't it? It's like no other love we feel in our lifetimes.

Fal-ling
 
Edited for spelling.

Post Edited (Falling apart in TX) : 4/22/2009 7:12:36 PM (GMT-6)


angel8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 109
   Posted 4/23/2009 3:07 AM (GMT -7)   

Falling apart, I too have danced with death far too many times in my life. Not my own death but the death of so many so loved in so little time. I felt close to death myself,too comfortable with it,too familiar,living so closely in my house my life.

In the course of 4 years I lost my husband,my child,my Mother,Father, a lifetime friend,and almost my 34 year old Brother as he fought and finally beat cancer after 2 years.

Way too many losses in so short a time.

I can say this there is nothing absolutely nothing in this life that can cause more pain then the loss of a child,anything after that even my own mortality is of no essence. I do NOT want to live long enough to bury another child so in saying that I beg for the passing of my own self long before that of my children becomes an issue.

I veiw death different after having spent so much time with it so close to my door for so long.

I know from my own experience that I wont be forgotten the memories no matter how small will always remain with my kids and those close to me just as mine do of those I have lost. There isnt a day or moment that passes when I dont remember my loved ones in some way,no I dont dwell in the grief this far out and the remembering doesnt bring profound sadness. I can think of them all and smile for those things that they left of themselves behind no matter how insignificant that might be.

It may be some thing my Mom use to say or the way she taught me to do something like make biscuits, I have to say I have become her as I grew older,that very thing we all fear as teenagers,becoming like our parents,the smell of my young daughter as a infant,so no I have no fear whatsoever I will be forgotten for a moment by those whose lives I have touched no matter how small or how short that touch might be.

I like Pete think it wont matter to me so much after I am gone for my pain will be over and my next journey will have begun. Life has a way of easing the pain for those left behind and leaving the ability to smile at those remembered times and places.

 


Pamela Neckpain
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1821
   Posted 4/23/2009 3:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Angel,

I am sorry for your losses.

I hope this forum will help us open up. It needs to be done. You touched
briefly -as much as you could.

My best friend died about three years ago. To this day, I walk towards the
phone and briefly the thought ... "Oh Carol will really laugh over THAT one"."
crosses my mind. And then I remember.

My husband was a funeral director and we lived above two mortuaries
during our marriage. I'm not sure it helped me understand death. Maybe.
It was an experience.

One of our apartments looked so similar to the one in Six Feet Under -
especially the kitchen.

A difficult topic for sure but on we go. One voice. Another. Another.
We probably all have something we want to say but fear to say it.
If I say it, will I break?

Pamela

Falling apart in TX
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 4/23/2009 6:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Angel,
I simply cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. I am so sorry you had to go through that.

I know first hand that losing parents, siblings and close friends is a difficult thing to endure and accept. They took a part of me with them, a part of my heart that belonged to them alone. I feel diminished by the loss of them. But, losing a child has got to be the worst.

(((((Hugs)))))

Fal-ling

Pete trips again!
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1899
   Posted 4/23/2009 8:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Angel, I just can't imagine anything being more painful than loosing a child. I'm so sorry. I would take everything that happened to me over 10 times rather than loose one of my boys! Thanks for posting on such a personal subject. It makes our issues look like nothing in the big picture and brought me back to earth really fast! Hugs>>
Your Friend,
Pete
56 years old, Surgury, Radical Prostatectomy 8/20/03, PSA 6.6, Gleason 3 + 3 = 6, Adenocarcinoma extent (moderate) Stage & Margin:T2NOMX, No Metastases, Organ Confined, bone scan: Neg. 3 1/2 years of depression after surgery prior to Hypogonadizm DX, Testosterone Theropy> new 2/6/09> 400mg injections once a month. 56 and so glad to still be here to see my two sons grow up to be fine young men. They are both serving in the US Navy, one on the aircraft carrier USS John Stennis in port in Thailand and the other on a Gator Freighter USS Bataan stationed in Norfolk, Va. to be deployed to the Middle East in early May. I am one very proud (what they call me)> Big Pops! 


PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 4/23/2009 9:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Angel,
There aren't many words to say that are adequate. To say "I agree" that the loss of a child is the worst is diminishing the process itself. Yet you are testimony to the fact we can heal and go on, although not without having been profoundly and forever changed. I have worked with a lot of parents who have lost children over the years, and you're right there is nothing worse, but some are able to eventually move forward and still live, while others stand still and never believe there can be anything else for them.

Thank you for sharing, as difficult as it must have been, but it is an invaluable lesson you have shown others.

((((((((((Angel))))))))))

I wonder if that's the reason for your name choice?

PaLady

White Beard
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3610
   Posted 4/23/2009 2:10 PM (GMT -7)   
These are two of my favorite poems on this subject  I did not write them and authors are unknown, they were both printed in our local new paper a one time or the other, but they both sum up my feelings on this topic.
 
                      Do not stand at my grave and weep,
                      I am not there, I do not sleep.
                      I am a thousand winds that blow,
                      I am the diamond glints on snow.
                      I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
                      I am the gental autumn's rain.
                      When you awaken in the morning's hush,
                      I am the swift uplifting rush,
                      Of quiet birds in circled flight,
                      I am the soft star that shines at night.
                      Do not stand at my grave and cry,
                      I am not there; I did not die!
 
And this is the other poem, that I  like!
 
                      When I come to the end of the road,
                      And the sun has set for me.
                      I want no rites in a gloom filled room,
                      Why cry for a soul set free.
                      Miss me a little-but not to long,
                      And not with your head bowed low.
                      Remember the Love that we once shared,
                      Miss me-but let me go.
                      For this is a journey that we all must take,
                      And each must go alone.
                      It's all a part of the Master's plan,
                      A step on the road to Home.
                      When you are lonely and sick of heart,
                      Go to the friends we know.
                      And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds,
                      Miss me - but let me go.
 
I truely love both of these poems, because they both express exactly how I feel about death and dieing! I must admit who ever the authors are they sure had my thoughts in mind!
 
White Beard
 
 
        


  I'm Retired USAF, went back to school and became an RN, and now am on full disalbility!--Degenerative Disc (affecting mostly the thorasic disc but all levels involved), C6/7 laminectomy/diskectomy& fusion, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!) Medications: Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV

Post Edited (White Beard) : 4/23/2009 3:13:33 PM (GMT-6)


PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 4/23/2009 4:32 PM (GMT -7)   
White Beard,
I read the first poem at my mother's funeral! Thanks for posting them.

PaLady

Lindaloo
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 1713
   Posted 4/23/2009 4:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Those are truly beautiful poems. Thank you for sharing them with us.

Lindaloo
Moderator Chronic Pain
 
Believe in yourself.  Be kind to fellow humans and animals.  Take time to smell the flowers and the coffee.
And by all means, when you are down, ask me for help.  I will be there.
 
Linda


edt
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 773
   Posted 4/24/2009 6:47 AM (GMT -7)   

Falling Thank you for sharing!

Angel, I am so so sorry!

I wanted to say that my Mom died when I was 16, I had younger brothers who were ages 10, 7 and 6.  I felt your feelings Falling....but just know that Children never forget their mothers.  There is a whole in your heart and life that can never be filled by ANYONE!!  I remember a few years back my youngest brother was in his 30's and he called me and said I can't remember what Mom smelled like, he said for years I felt close to her because I could smell her.  He was crying....so you see what I am saying.  My next to the youngest brother was in a serious Motorcyle accident when he was 25 (he also had Hodgkins at age 11 and had only a 20% chance of surviving...he DID).  He hit a telephone pole head on most of the impact with his chin..every bone in his face was broken where the helmet wasn't, he bit his tongue almost off, broke many bones and no one knew for 10 days that he had a burn on his back from the tailpipe...anyway he died while in the Emergency Room and they were able to revive him... a few years back he asked me if we buried Mom in pink and I said yes, he said I knew it, it was her who pushed me back.  He was scared to tell anyone of this experience but felt safe to tell me.  My point is children never forget and Mothers well they never really leave us!!

You touched my heart!

XXOO
Patti


angel8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 109
   Posted 4/25/2009 4:08 AM (GMT -7)   

Thank you all for your kindness I am humbled your words as I feel each of you as you try to imagine that pain.

It did profoundly change my life and still does each day in some way. I think it made me a better Mother,daughter,friend. I take not one moment one second of life for granted, I let not one day pass that I dont speak my mind,let the words flow to those in my life for I know first hand that tomorrow may take my chance to say them away.

I help my daughter as she left this life and her life slipped away. It had been a long hard battle for her and she was weak and tired and in far too much pain for a body so little,that moment of transition from life to death brought such peace and tranquility to her face that I knew at that very moment in time like I had never knew anything else,that yes there are some things worse then dying.

I was mad,angry,God,higher powers,whatever turned his back on me that day and took away the very essence of my being. I spoke harsh words to alot of people that day and hurt many feelings as I ranted and cursed all that I believed in and finally as I sat in the court yard at the hospital my Moms Minister of music who had been a lifelong friend of my families came and sat with me. He says to me "why are you so angry? Why are you cursing the very beliefs you have? I looked at him awed that he could ask such a thing at such a time and yet fearing if I opened my mouth I would curse a "man of God".

He went on and wouldnt stop in persistance of the whys and finally I shouted at him that I asked his God to help me and my child and got nothing,nothing,how could such a loving idol turn his back on a child in misery?

He said to me very quietly, what exactly did you ask for? I said I asked him to make this better,do something anyting. He says then what exactly do you think you didnt get from that?

My child is dead! He said you asked him to make it better,do something for you or for her? He could not undue the wrath that nature had done to her but he could do what you asked of him and make it better for her and he did just what you asked of him. She is now in no pain,she doesnt fight for each breath she takes,her kidneys are not leaking posion into her small body no longer,she is at peace and surrounded by those who love her and are here no more and cherished in the memory of those left behind,what a legacy for her.

Those words sustained me thru days and nights I thought I would lose my mind! I slept under her crib for many a night, I carried her small clothes in my purse, I heard her cries in my moments of darkness but in the end each new day brought a little more peace in my heart. One day I would smile again when I remembered her,one day I could go to the cemetary and celebrate her birthday with joy and not so much pain and one day I knew it was OK and she was better for her passing.

I guess in it all I got caught up in the make her betters that I forgot that it isnt so much as what we ask that higher power as how he responds to our asking. It simply is a matter of be careful what you ask for isnt it?

The poems are lovely and I had heard one of them before but not the other and it is so so true.

Dont ever think your words are insignificant at those times,they might not be acknowlged right then but the reciever is listening somewhere in the grief and will recall your kindness when the fog of grief lifts,you cannot ever say the wrong thing in voicing your feelings about death to someone when it comes from the heart.

It isnt a subject any of us care to think about and the contemplating of losing another child well just gives me cold chills! I know though thru it all somehow we survive one day at time,maybe the fact I had other kids that needed me,I couldnt turn away from life and leave them or their pain made those steps lighter for me then it does for some. I too PAlady seen those who stand still in those times of loss,it as though their feet are far too heavy to move and their hearts are certainly broke like nothing else can. I have no idea why some us survive and others dont fare as well but I am sure it had to do with those that held me up when I couldnt hold up myself.


LLPLUV
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1158
   Posted 4/25/2009 7:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Ok I've had one busy week so this is my first post of the week.
 
This thread struck me when searching on where to start to catch up
.
I have looked into the grim reapers eyes twice now.  When I was 19 I found out I had cervical cancer.  I was pregnant at the time.  In my denial I let two years go by, I was young and stupid.  I was wrapped up in being a wife and mother.  I divorced that man he was evil.  Upon leaving him I had a renewed view on life.  During my marriage on two occasions he almost pulled a trigger of a shotgun.  Those moments proved to me it didn't matter what I thought, my son who was less then two weeks old needed his mother to protect herself and him.  It was my responsibility to make sure I was in his life.
 
I met my new husband when my son was two that was 18 wonderful years ago.  He married me knowing I could pass on.  He always told me one day with me was worth any loss he could ever experience.  We prayed and prayed we wanted one more child.  Drs all said NO but we did it anyways. After many visits to neo-natel ward.. Spelling sucks sorry..lol  I was in labor to 8 months.  No joke took Terbulteln (whatever) every 2 hours to keep the contractions at bay.  Steriod injects and needles stuck into my stomach for lung development.  Well Lexy was brought into the world 6 weeks early and healthy as a horse.
 
Now the hysterecomy was set up to save my life the cancer had moved up to the uterus.  Looking back now I never worried for my death.  I was worried for my husband and children.  At that point I would of let another woman come in to love them.  I just wanted them to be taken care of and cherished for the wonderful family they were and are.
I went in for my pre-opt and guess what!!!!  I WAS PREGNANT!  I wouldn't believe it we used 4 sets of protection!  My doctor called and told us his medical opinion.  MEDICAL ABORTION  We are religious people we couldn't do that.  My mother said a calm statement "You will have the baby"  My father on the other hand had a fit!  He didn't want to lose me but would rather lose a life he didnt know.  Hes a work of art!
 
Bedrest again with meds every two hours again.  Now we both had 50 50 odds. As you can tell I am here and so is my 15 yr old son CJ.
10 days after his birth I hemoraged and they did an emergency hysterectomy I was 24 yrs old.
 
Second look at Grim Reaper is right now.  I will die with my Dx.  It will take me don't know when could be 5 years could be 15 but it is my death sentence.  Its not so bad looking into the eyes of the Grim Reaper again.  Is it because I have had him over for dinner before, I don't know. 
 
This is what I worry about
 
Have I given my children and husband good memories and enough memories of me?
Will my choice of death wishes make them uneasy?  I want to be cremated and placed in a pretty Urn.  I don't want to be put into the ground until my husband is.  I dont' care if they stick me in the attic as long as I go with my husband.
Do I need to increase my life insurance again?  I know it will be very hard on my husband so I pay for an extra few years of salary from work.  They pay 3 years my yearly salary upon death I pay 2.00 a month to get him 5 yrs.  It will be a nice sum for them when I do pass.
 
Angel thank you for posting this thread it is a wonderful idea to get other views.....
Laurie
 
Chronic Kidney Stones, PKD (Polycystic Kidney Disease), Chronic Kidney Failure, Severe Hypertension, Urological RSD

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