sorry,one more time

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anice
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 536
   Posted 4/27/2009 7:34 PM (GMT -7)   
I was reading other posts today. I don't remember who said it, but it was how they feel like they are closer to the friends here than other friends or family. I feel the same way. It makes me almost feel better to know that I have you all somewhere out there-that you understand and care and share your thoughts and opinions. It seems like a safe place  to vent where I won't be judged or thought bad of. And I am in that place again. Please forgive me for posting so much. I don't mean to burden anyone with my problems,but it has been an unusably bad day. And there is a reason for it...
 
I posted a while back about my husband. Some may remember and there are others that will not. I will try to touch on that first. My husband had a problem helping himself to my percocet. I haven't had that to be a problem of late. What I didn't mention before is that he also has a problem helping himself to my sons' ADHD medication. This has all started since October. He doesn't have pain and he is not ADHD. He has a drug problem. We have been round and round with this since it started. We have almost seperated many times because of it. I never have been the kind of person to argue or fight. I will almost always walk away before I will do it. Well,not anymore. I am absolutely fed up. I do love him. I am not in love with this man anymore. And you know what? It is his fault. I also didn't mention that he has a problem supporting his wife and children. He is not ambitious. He will work for awhile and then just stop. If it had not been for my parents we would have nothing. They have helped me financially far beyond what they should have. I am a grown 39 year old woman. I am not their problem anymore. I did better financially when it was just my son and me and even made less money. I never have enough money anymore. And that is because he is not doing what he is supposed to be doing.
 
Well, I worked everyday is a busy pediatric office as a nurse. I missed very little work because of my herniated disc and sciatica pain. I didn't have a choice. I had to work. He would watch me leave everyday knowing how bad I hurt. Did that get him up off his...and get to work himself? No it did not. He has started working again. But he didn't work last week because of my surgery.So there was no pay check again. I knew I needed this surgery(laminectomy). I didn't want to. I knew I had too. And ofcourse he promised how different things would be and how he would take care of me and the kids. I knew beforehand how he was going into this. However, I thought to myself that I would have the surgery and let him worry about things for a change. He owed me that much. And it things didn't change then he could leave once and for all and me and the kids would get on with our lives.
 
Okay, my mom is here with me now. She came back yesterday. She was at my sisters' house because our AC wasn't doing well. She is not in good health. She has COPD,arthritis and just plain isn't doing well herself. But I am her daughter and we are very close. She agreed to HELP take care of ME not the kids or him. Evidently he has taken my son's ADHD meds again and was up for 2 nights without sleep. When I woke him up this morning to get the kids going, he almost didn't get up. I got out of bed,made coffee,woke my son up and fixed them fruit bowls for breakfast on the way. Anyway, my mom took care of me today. He didn't work,said the job cancelled for today. He did get my meds from the pharmacy,came home,ate and went to sleep. I stayed up. I woke him up to go get the kids. He did go get them. And guess what he did when he came home?back to bed to sleep.  I tried to wake him up. I hurt bad today. I needed his help. He was suposed to cook and get the kids situated. Well, he didn't. My mom and I cooked a quick dinner(salsberry steak and instant potatoes). I tried to wake him again to give my daughter a bath. He didn't. I coulldn't or my mom,so my daughter didn't get a bath today. I did get her to change her clothes and I wiped her off,she brushed her teeth and to bed. Well she is still awake(hard child to get to bed),my mom is exhausted and I hurt so bad I want to cry. I need to go to bed myself. I am so embarassed. My mom is here. She sees what is going on and she is furious at him!! And ofcourse,I am too. I am in a bad spot. My mom doesn't drive. There is no one to do and drive the children,but him. He has unfortunatly done this before. I call it crash and burn. Once he sleeps,he'll be fine in the morning and just say he was tired. It has only been 5 days since my surgery. I am not suposed to be doing all of this. I don't feel like it.  I don't know what I will do. My mom has my meds and my sons' meds. I am not worried about this happening again. But what do I do? As much as I don't want to, I am about to send my wonderful,loving mom back to my sisters' house, until her husband can come to get her. I don't want to do that. I love her being here. But on the other hand it may be what it takes to kick him in the...and make him take responsibility for me and the children.
 
And for toppers...he made my account overdrawn at the bank.It is in my name. He is not on the account. He knew we didn't have the money in the bank. My check will be direct deposited on Thurs. and midnight. But by that time the fees are paid,there once again won't be enough...I don't need this right now. I need to have a peaceful recovery. I feel anything but peaceful right now...
Anice

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2279
   Posted 4/27/2009 8:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Anice,
What a nightmare you're facing! I can't even begin to imagine.

I would humbly suggest that your dh has not stepped up in the past when you most needed him to, so I can't see any reason why this time would be different. You need someone to help you out around the house & if your mom is the only one willing to do so, I'd keep her. But it's your decision & whatever you decide I'm sure you'll make the right choice. Besides helping you out, she is also being responsible for both your meds & your son's meds so that is an additional help. Maybe at least keep her around until you can figure out another plan.

I don't understand why he is always sleeping all the time. Maybe he needs to see a doctor for that -- or a counselor. It seems like something must be wrong with him b/c either he can't stay awake & needs to address a physical problem, or he refuses to get up & be responsible which I would think would indicate something (depression?, borderline?, who knows but it doesn't seem healthy). Beyond that, can you maybe call your insurance company to see if you can get some kind of home care worker to help you out with things around the house? If not, perhaps a neighbor could take on some of those things. There are a lot of people looking for work right now so you might be able to find a Personal Care Assistant or Home Health Worker to help you out with things around the house for not too much money just until your husband can get his act together or your body has a chance to heal up a bit.

Wish I could be more helpful, but hopefully something I wrote will help a little bit.

blessings,
frances

PS -- No need to ever apologize for posting however many times needed. That's what we're all here for -- to help each other out during tough times.

White Beard
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3609
   Posted 4/27/2009 8:42 PM (GMT -7)   

Anice

I feel so very very very bad for you. I was worried about you, yes  I do feel closer to all of you here than any of my family and friends, because you all here have become my family and friends! There are a few of us that really feel this way! With that said anice, I am concerned for you, I wish your mother could stay with you a while longer, you really need the help so you can heal, and that takes time. You can't! You just can'tdo it all  yourself! It will cause you damage, and then where will you be!

 I feel uncomfortable  saying what I really think about your husband, it really isn't my place I guess, and under the circumstance with what I am going through,..... well.....all I can say is, I care about "my family" here at this forum, and that includes you! So please don't let him ruin you credit or make things worse for you anice! What ever you need  to do, to take care of yourself and your kids, do it!  I will also say this, your husband should never, ever be taking your or your childrens medications! There is no excuse for that type of behavior! My God he is your husband he should be taking care of you and his children not stealing your or their meds to get high!  I can't begin to tell you how I feel about that!  That is just not right! I am sorry I am not venting toward you anice, maybe consider it for you!  But just the idea of that upsets me so much! I actually worry for you and your children!

anice don't ever feel bad about posting your feelings and or frustrations! we will listen and support you, after all you are "family" I do wish I could be of more help to you!

I wish you all the best!

White Beard



  I'm Retired USAF, went back to school and became an RN, and now am on full disalbility!--Degenerative Disc (affecting mostly the thorasic disc but all levels involved), C6/7 laminectomy/diskectomy& fusion, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!) Medications: Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV

Post Edited (White Beard) : 4/27/2009 9:51:31 PM (GMT-6)


PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 4/27/2009 9:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Anice,
It's late and I don't have much energy but I wanted to post and at the very least tell you not to be concerned about posting too much to us here. There is no such thing.

I hope you will ask and let your Mom stay with you for awhile. Even if she's got to go back and forth to your sister's on the warm days. You need some time to heal and get your strength back, because then I think you'll be able to make the plans you know you need to make. And carry out. But right now you need to heal.

It almost seems like it would be better if HE would go stay somewhere else if he's not going to help. You know addiction isn't only about the taking of the drug; it's about how a life - and the lives of people around the addict - fall in to disarray. An addict starts to become slowy dysfunctional, so your husband's behavior may well be related to that. And you can't fix him.

Please, please try to get yourself some help now. Your Mom. Community nurses. Friends, Anyone you can depend on, until you get adequate heaing time for your back. Otherwise you won't be able to do anything. But once you get some strength back, and your doctor clears you, I think you'll have the courage to face other issues,.

Please write whenever you want!

PaLady

White Beard
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3609
   Posted 4/27/2009 10:03 PM (GMT -7)   

PALady

You said;("It's late and I don't have much energy ") are you sick? or not felling well? I haven't seen you post much today. Are you alright? Now I will worry about you too!

I hope your well!

White Beard


  I'm Retired USAF, went back to school and became an RN, and now am on full disalbility!--Degenerative Disc (affecting mostly the thorasic disc but all levels involved), C6/7 laminectomy/diskectomy& fusion, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!) Medications: Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV


Chutz
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 9090
   Posted 4/27/2009 10:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Anice,

I wish I was close enough for a big, gentle hug because you need one...but short of that I've decided to speak what's in my heart. I lived with a man who refused to work and he destroyed 20 years of my life. I was too stupid/naive'/or whatever to make the right move. He was a liar and was cheating, but at least no drugs like yours. You said if he didn't straighten up then it was all over. Well? It's time to put him on the curb my friend. He's proven to you just what he is and you do NOT deserve it. Have HIM leave and your MOM can stay. Then you will get some rest and heal. No way should you be injuring the surgery you had.

If he won't go then there's a simple solution...he apparently accessed your personal account and took money. That's stealing and the bank and police will go after him. All it takes is one phone call from you. If for some reason that doesn't work call the police and ask them to escort him out! Last resort call Crisis Center and ask to be taken to a woman's shelter. There is a lot of help out there...all you have to do is ask.

End of story. Please...PLEASE do not waste 20 years of your life like I did and your case is way worse than mine. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I have lived it. I should have thrown the ex out 19 years earlier. You are too precious and a wonderful person to tolerate this. You deserve respect...and most of all respect yourself.

Feel free to email me if you want to chat!
Chutzie

Oh, and change the locks behind him.. Ask a neighbor or friend to help. You need to rest.
Co-Moderator Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Forums
~~~
Fibromyalgia, Ulcerative Colitis, Insulin dependent diabetic, PTSD, dermatitis herpetiformus, osteoarthritis and a few other side dishes.
***************
Happiness is something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for."
(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")


BrentE1961
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 4/28/2009 12:11 PM (GMT -7)   
I had the misfortune of having a cheating wife. I discovered her adultery in May of 2007. It took me well over a year to get over the blow. I tried to work things out at first, for the benefit of my daughter. I felt that I had failed somehow if she had to grow up in a broken home. The cheater continued in her evil ways, and got even worse. I blamed myself to some degree.

Now I look back and see I was wrong. That liar I was married to was the problem, not me.

Best advice I can say is that I believe "once a liar, thief, and cheater - always a liar, thief, and cheater". You have to decide if you can live with that kind of narcissistic demon. Don't count on him changing.
47 YO Male, chronic back pain. Herniated disc L5/S1 2003. Discectomy with partial laminectomy 2004. Now told I have Failed Back Syndrome with discogenic pain.


Pain level varies from disturbing to nearly intolerable.


Ms Kitty
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 37
   Posted 4/28/2009 12:53 PM (GMT -7)   

I feel so badly for you.  You need peace and quiet to heal. It is unfortunate that you husband chose this time to show his true colors.  It is very important that he is not permitted to get to your meds or your childrens.  I would definitely speak to the bank about your missing money.

I am sure that if you called some of the churches in your area there would be some people that would be delighted to help you while you recover.  If I loved close to you I would help.  Please put that lazy, useless, thief out of your home and life  - you don't need another child to care for (even if it isn't my bneusiness.)

I will keep you in my prayers.

Ms Kitty


Severe diabetic neuropathy, 3 stents, arthritis, R/BK amputee
 
Duragesic pain patches, Vicodin ES, Elevil, insulin and lots of other meds


Becoming undone
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 927
   Posted 4/28/2009 1:12 PM (GMT -7)   
WOW!!!((((((((((((((((((((((((anice))))))))))))))))))))))))))))...you deserve so much better. I am just wondering (the cause of sleepiness), is there anything else missing(you've gotten new stuff and for some people the temptation might be high)?

I cannot add more than what has already been said. I understand about how close you can be to people here...vent and scream away...it is quite therapeutic...

Also, you may want to make an inquiry to your doc about home health nurse to help out. Oh, and I almost forgot, where you had your surgery, you can even call later, there are social workers associated with the hospital that will help provide care and services because they don't want a situation like the one you described to happen. They want your outcome to be successful. We all do...
"The earth laughs in flowers"


Pete trips again!
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1899
   Posted 4/28/2009 5:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Anice, I remember when you first posted about your husband stealing your meds. I remeber saying that he might just like to party and may not be an addict. Well obviously I was wrong about that. This guy is sucking the life out of you and your children. Anyone who could do what he is doing to you and them is a sick, sick person! I pray that it's the drugs doing the thinking for him but I doubt it. This guy is a louser with a capital L!!! I'm sorry to be so blunt but no one deserves to be treated like he is treating you when you need him the most. As for you folks asking about why is he sleeping, because the guys was on a bender! Thats the only reason for anyone who isn't terrably sick to sleep that much! He probably used your bank account $$$ for more drugs! Please, as soon as you get yourself healed up, get away from this guy! If you can like someone suggested, ask a church or shelter, explain whats going on and get the hell out of there or get him out of there! He will continue to use you if you let him untill the unthinkable happens! It's not worth risking it! It may be the hardest thing you will ever do but it's the right thing!
I'm only saying thse things because I care!
Your friend,
Pete
56 years old, Surgury, Radical Prostatectomy 8/20/03, PSA 6.6, Gleason 3 + 3 = 6, Adenocarcinoma extent (moderate) Stage & Margin:T2NOMX, No Metastases, Organ Confined, bone scan: Neg. 3 1/2 years of depression after surgery prior to Hypogonadizm DX, Testosterone Theropy> new 2/6/09> 400mg injections once a month. 56 and so glad to still be here to see my two sons grow up to be fine young men. They are both serving in the US Navy, one on the aircraft carrier USS John Stennis in port in Singapor and the other on a Gator Freighter USS Bataan stationed in Norfolk, Va. to be deployed to the Middle East in early May. I am one very proud (what they call me)> Big Pops! 


mrsm123
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 1228
   Posted 4/28/2009 6:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Anice,
I remember the post about your husband stealing meds before. I'm sorry to read that he's done it yet again, and just 5 days into your recovery period. He needs treatment, but he will only get that when he hits a bottom that takes away his ability to come home and steal your meds or your childs. And prevents him from getting the money from your account to pay for his habit. You can bet that during the times that he is not taking your meds or your sons, he is getting those drugs somewhere and that somewhere is where your money went.
Right now, you are in no position to "help" him find a bottom other than to have him leave your home. He is not safe, not to be around you, nor to be driving your children. I hate to say this, but I doubt that he is not high when he is driving your children around as well as getting high at home. Sooner or later, an addict can not control when he "needs" his high, and it becomes an around the clock getting high becomes more important than anything else, including the safety of your children. I hope , with all my heart that he truly has not driven with your children in the car while he is/has been/or remotely within any time frame taken any drug.
You just had a fusion and it needs time to heal. You aren't supposed to be doing any bending, lifting or twisting......all of which I'm sure that you have had to do to some extent with taking care of yourself and your children while he is sleeping....please be extra careful. Until that bone grows, you can really hurt yourself now.....so you need to be careful. If you talk to your surgeon, he may be able to write you a prescription for a visiting nurse, or an aide who can come and help take care of you when your mom can't be there. Even if it's just for two hours a day, she can help prepare meals that can be frozen and heated in the microwave...or on the stove or oven. Do you belong to a church? Maybe some of the ladies and gents there would be willing to do the same?
As for what to do with him? I honestly don't know what the answer is......maybe when you are healing better and doing better being on your feet, having some type of intervention for him, that says, either you get treatment and stay clean and sober and employed, or you leave permanently is something for you to consider while you heal now? I don't know how feasible his getting treatment is, but it is essential for you and your children.....especially for your children.
Sandi
PLIF/TLIF Fusion w/Instrumentation L4-5 Spondololysthesis L4-5.Laminectomies L4-5, foraminal stenosis L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, herniations L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, central canal stenosis L3-4, L4-5 and L5-S1
POST OP CES 3/30-06
Neurogenic Bladder and Bowel, bilateral numbness legs and feet
Revision for failed Back surgery, pseudoarthrosis L4-5, hemilaminectomies L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, bmp added to revision fusion, replaced two bent screws that were reversing out of vertebrae - August 2, 2007
On going back pain and neuropathic pain, failed back surgery, consult for scs, decided not to do that at this point.
Adhesive Arachnoiditis also......just what I didn't need..9/08- adding bilateral ulnar neuropathy with severe compression to the mix. They want me to see a surgeon for ulnar nerve surgery, but I'm not biting.
I've seen enough surgeons over the last few years.


bluejet2
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 487
   Posted 4/28/2009 9:40 PM (GMT -7)   

Anice:

I am so sorry for all that you are having to deal with when the only thing you should have to worry about right now is healing. 

I know the emotional torment you are experiencing because of your husband's actions.  When I was recovering from my first back surgery, my mother was stealing my pain meds, and to this day (12 years later), it pains me to think about it, and my heart aches for you!  I wish so much that there was something more I could do or say. 

Lorie  


uniquelyme
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1037
   Posted 4/29/2009 5:48 PM (GMT -7)   
 
Anice,
I remember you...How is your husband doing?  I hope that things are better. I feel like it's easier to talk to people here then to talk to my friends and family...Only because family sometimes feel like they should "fix" you...then they end up "not listening" when that's all I want in the first place.  I know I can't be "fixed", but I would like to vent... Also, everyone here has been through some degree of what I have been through, so they have great advice and experiences to throw out there.
 
These People here are my friends...I may not know you personally, but it doesn't matter, you are my friends...So, thanks friends...
 
Me.

 I hate Boats!!!!
 
Post Lamenectomy Syndrome, Spinal Stenosis, DDD....
1999 Hemi Lamenectomy/2005 Spinal Fusion(L4-S1)
Methadone 120 mg. a day/15 mg. Oxycodone as needed(up to 4 x a day)
High Blood Pressure: Lisinopril HCTZ 10 mg. daily
Type 2 Diabetes: (March 16, 2009)
Metformin HCL ER 1000 mg. at night
                                                                    

 


angel8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 109
   Posted 4/30/2009 2:55 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Anice and I have not been here long posting but lurked for a long time and sad to say I have a way of being blunt and if this offends please forgive me.

Dont expect sending away your Mom will make him wake up or give him a kick anywhere.

His drug problem is his problem but there are those who enable others to be what they are and you looking the other way and allowing him take your meds and the kids meds is well enabling him.

If he thought for one moment that the police would be called and he would be turned in for stealing meds that were not his then maybe he might think twice and if he didnt then he would sit in jail and at least you and your child wouldnt run out of meds.

You knowingly allowing him to break the law is abetting in the laws eyes. If he is taking your childs meds and these meds are controlled that is a felony and if CPS gets wind that you knew and didnt do something or report it they will hold you just as responsible as him.

He has a problem and ignoring it isnt going to make it go away or help it.

I realize you said your not in love with him anymore then maybe it is time to move on with your life and protect your child from this behavior. Doesnt seem to me like he is doing anything great to help and appears he is hurting you all more then helping.

If someone doesnt make him accountable for his actions then at least leave him to them without risking you losing your kids and everything else for him.

Sorry if this is a bit harsh but it looks to me like it needed harsh words to wake up more then him sweety. What will happen if you do nothing and one of those times he doesnt wake up mixing opiates and speed and your left trying to explain to the coroner and police just how this happened with your meds and the childs.

 


Pamela Neckpain
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1821
   Posted 4/30/2009 5:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Anice,

I wish I had words of advice for you. I don't.

All I can say is that I think I understand your problem and I would dearly love to
say just the right thing to make it all work out for you.

For now, all I can say is I hear you. Deep down you will probably come to your
conclusion of what to do. Right now that time hasn't arrived.

Keep us informed. Post as much as you want. You may find answers here even!

Your New Friend,
Pamela Neckpain

mom9mom
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 489
   Posted 5/1/2009 7:48 AM (GMT -7)   
Anice I feel so bad for you and about the only thing I can say is that your husband sounds a lot like my brother-in-law.My sister has put up with this for over thirty years and even though she has been dealing with kidney disease for the last 10 years and had to have a transplant last year he has still not changed in all of this time.So I think you must ask yourself if you want to be like my sister.Working herself into a early grave because he will not grow up and help her.I know that this sounds hard but I am sure that your family might feel the same as mine.Mad that a man who says that he loves you will not put you and your heath first.So please think good and hard about what I have said and ask yourself if you want to keep on doing this.
Lost half of my small intestineJan.2008.Ilieostomy for 5 months then reverst in June 2008,Nerve damage to right leg,part of my right hip bone removed Jan. 2008,Cronic pain,hernia,infection in my back called discites,and depression.Gallbladder removed Nov,2008.Surgery to fuse L3 and L4 vertabra Dec. 31,2008.Mother to 9 kids 7 boys 2 girls and 1 stepson.4 grandsons,9 grandaughters.4 of my grandkids I inherited from my twin sister who passed away 6 1/2 years ago from a blood clot after surgery.God has given me my life back after I almost lost it.Even though its a painful and sometimes hard road to walk I take it one step at a time and give thanks to god for every step I take.

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