update; Son stole meds

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Sam Roberson Jr
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 59
   Posted 4/28/2009 8:54 PM (GMT -7)   
We have gone to our second meeting with the consular an things are going well, my son has admitted that he stole my meds to take them to a skittles party where he was promised sex with a girl that he has a crush on, it was very hard for him to admit that and he has assured me that he has learned his lesson and that something like this will never happen again and I believe him and so does the consular, she believes that my son is being truthful in this matter and that he is truly sorry for what he has done, also she has told me that my loss of respect and trust in him is very difficult for him to come to terms with, now she wants us to put this episode behind us and start working on our trust issues, I have lost trust in my son and I am not sure exactly what we can do to repair that trust she has given me some suggestions and I am going to put those into action but any advise you can give will be of help. I have never had to deal with something like this before and if anybody has been through something similar please let me know how you dealt with it, I want to trust my son again but I am not sure how I can accomplish this. Thanks for all of your support.
                                                                                               Sam
tying to make it one day at a time....corney right


mrsm123
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 1228
   Posted 4/28/2009 9:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Sam,
I haven't had to deal with my children stealing my pain meds, but I have dealt with them taking money without permission, typical kid stuff.....and as I told them, it took years for them and us , as their parents to establish that level of trust and it took seconds for them to destroy it by doing what they did. When they asked how they could re-establish trust, I simply told them that their actions would speak volumes for them. That meant that their actions had to match their words. I'm sorry wasn't enough- they had to work around the house to re-earn that money they stole -5.00 one took and the other took 10.00- not much in the big picture, but it was still stealing.....
Once they did that, then it was checking up on them, not something that my husband relished doing, but by doing that, and them doing what they said they were going to do, showing us that they could make the right decisions, and some time, they eventually re-established trust again.
There is no easy way for you to be able to trust your son again.....except by watching his actions from here on out. I'm sorry is the easy part....it's his actions, that are going to matter from here on out. Have you asked him what he feels he needs to do to prove to you that he is trustworthy and that he won't do this again? You might be surprised at his answers. I think you might find out more than you think you might by listening to his replies.
We've tried to teach our kids that they should hold in the highest regard their last name......and their honor. Both of those things are worth far more than just about anything, in the world....a man and a woman are often judged by how their last name is held in repute in this world, and a man's honor or a woman's for that matter are not something to play with. I'm sure that you understand exactly what I mean and hopefully, your son learned this valuable lesson through this situation.
Sandi
PLIF/TLIF Fusion w/Instrumentation L4-5 Spondololysthesis L4-5.Laminectomies L4-5, foraminal stenosis L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, herniations L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, central canal stenosis L3-4, L4-5 and L5-S1
POST OP CES 3/30-06
Neurogenic Bladder and Bowel, bilateral numbness legs and feet
Revision for failed Back surgery, pseudoarthrosis L4-5, hemilaminectomies L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, bmp added to revision fusion, replaced two bent screws that were reversing out of vertebrae - August 2, 2007
On going back pain and neuropathic pain, failed back surgery, consult for scs, decided not to do that at this point.
Adhesive Arachnoiditis also......just what I didn't need..9/08- adding bilateral ulnar neuropathy with severe compression to the mix. They want me to see a surgeon for ulnar nerve surgery, but I'm not biting.
I've seen enough surgeons over the last few years.


angel8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 109
   Posted 4/29/2009 3:11 AM (GMT -7)   

I believe time heals all wounds and this is certainly one of those times. I think if he continues to work at regaining your trust you will know when and if your ready to do that.

It seems you both are on the right path and counseling is working issues maybe that were there before and most likley some he had you never even relaized,this life of ours as CPers is not easy on those we love by any means and I recall the biggest fear my kids had once I found out was the fear I was going to die and leave them and I never even realized this was a thought for them.

Good luck and keep at it and I think before long you will find yourself showing you can trust him when he shows he has earned it.


Gretchen1
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 3459
   Posted 4/29/2009 6:41 AM (GMT -7)   

Kids can cause us the most pain and lift us to the highest heights.  It is an amazing thing to be a parent.  It is like becoming bipolar!!  One moment they say or do something that melts you to the core and the next .....you are so truly frightened for them by their own choices, actions or thoughts!! 

I have to constantly remind myself that my boys are their own people......I cannot control them.  They are going to make their own decisions, mistakes and choices.  God bless us!!!

Sam, sometimes it is one day at a time.....sometimes it is one breath at a time!!!  Not  corney at all!!



Gretchen       co-moderator MS board       diagnosed with MS July 2006
 
I have no lesions on my soul and so I will live with no limits.


Sam Roberson Jr
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 59
   Posted 4/29/2009 5:37 PM (GMT -7)   
I agree that time heals all wounds, I just want so much to trust my son again and to be truthful I was hoping that someone had a quick fix so that we could pick our life up where it ended on that day, but I have come to the conclusion that it will take time and that I will never truly trust my son the way I used to. I hope that no one ever has to go through what I have gone through with my son. I am thankful to everyone for their support.
                                   Sam
tying to make it one day at a time....corney right


Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9622
   Posted 4/30/2009 12:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Sam, quick fixes sure would be nice, but alias they are few are far between...
Hopefully with time and help (what your son needs) you'll be able to trust him again,
just cause it's not a quick fix, keep the hope there....
just wanted to offer up my prayers and hugz to you for now.....
((((((((((((Sam)))))))))))))))))))
**********************************************
* Asthma, Allergies, Osteoarthritis, Spinal Stenosis, Degenative Disc, Fibromyalgia, Gerd,
Enlarged Pituitary Gland, Sjogren's and Ocular Migraines

********>^..^<********>^..^<********>^..^<********


PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 4/30/2009 1:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Sam,
I have been biting my tongue but really feel there's something missing from your updates. I am glad you and your son are going for counseling. I hope it helps both of you. But there's been no mention of your behavior in these updates.

Sure, you've lost trust for your son, and it shouldn't be regained easily or quickly. That takes time. But you also abused your own medications as well as used your mother's medications. That seems to have been brushed aside with one conversation with your doctor. As a CPP who has had challenges obtaining pain relief (as many of us here have) because the actions of people who abuse prescription drugs affect us all, I am angry that you appear to take your actions so lightly.

As I recall in the thread (which was locked for probably good reason) you asked us all for advice on what to do with your pain - whether you should go to the E.R., call your doctor, or tough it out - I believe those were even questions in your poll. But after you had called your doctor and he gave you advice and that didn't ease your pain you choose to use some old meds prescribed to you. When those didn't work you took some of your mother's medications. Then, and only then, did you end up in the E.R. and reported they nearly threw you out. And "red flagged" you. These are the type of actions that hurt all of us CPP's. But I feel your focus has been totally on your son's behavior, as least as far as what you've reported in your updates. I can't help having strong feelings about that.

IMHO - and I know I might be beaten up for saying this - there are other forums for you to utilize if you want support dealing with your son's behaviors, and aren't going to be addressing your chronic pain issues. I'm not trying to be disrespectful or start a war here. I would have let it drop but every time I see an update that ignores your behavior choices it stirs up my feelings. Your behavior choices, as well as your sons, are part of what make it so difficult for so many of us.

Please understand, this isn't meant as an attack on you as a person, but it is focused on your behavior.

PaLady

Post Edited (PAlady) : 4/30/2009 2:12:14 PM (GMT-6)


Sam Roberson Jr
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 59
   Posted 4/30/2009 2:26 PM (GMT -7)   
you are right I haven't been addressing my lack of judgment when I was out of my pills, I have never been through anything like that before in my life and I was desperate to get some relief, any kind of relief. I know what I did was wrong and that I made some bad choices we have discussed that in our sessions and god forbid if I ever have to go through it again I will have the experience of what happened the last time to deal with it. I know now that my actions were wrong and that I set a bad example for my son and my other children by doing what I did but we have all sat down and talked it through and we all understand the mistakes that were made, also we all now know what to do in the case of this was ever to happen again. The most important thing is my son and the reason he took my pills and the help that he needed. This experience has opened my eyes and taught me several things I should have already known. I appreciate your concern for my well being but I assure you that even though I am old I can still be taught and I most definitely learned some very valuable lessons from this episode. again thanks for all of your support.
                                                                   Sam 
tying to make it one day at a time....corney right


Pete trips again!
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1899
   Posted 4/30/2009 3:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Sam,
You sound like a good parrent and a descent guy! I aplaud you for what you are doing with your son and how you just appologized to our forum for your bad judgement when you were in withdrawl. We all make mistakes, heaven knows I've made more than most but it's what we learn from them is what makes us better people. I have been in your shoes and much worse with my son and to be truthful, even though he is doing great in the Navy, I'm still terrified that some day I'll get another phone call. I still don't trust him and I hate myself for not being able to!!! I can't forget what happened, I'll never forget. What my son did to our family will haunt me forever but I never stopped loving him. He is an addict and always will be one. He's one pill, puff or snort away from starting the whole ball rolling out of control again. What your son did was tragic but you will forgive him and learn to trust him IF>>>> and thats a very big IF!!! If he is able to stay away from illegal drugs and all the thing that go along with them which for a kid in this day and age is not an easy thing to do. I pray that he does but for now, I think it's way too soon for you to "trust" him. I'm sorry if I sound hard, I guess I'm just gun-shy with kids, drugs and the truth!
Sam, I hope you stick around as I think you will be a valluble member of our little family! Thank you for posting!!!
Your Friend,
Pete
56 years old, Surgury, Radical Prostatectomy 8/20/03, PSA 6.6, Gleason 3 + 3 = 6, Adenocarcinoma extent (moderate) Stage & Margin:T2NOMX, No Metastases, Organ Confined, bone scan: Neg. 3 1/2 years of depression after surgery prior to Hypogonadizm DX, Testosterone Theropy> new 2/6/09> 400mg injections once a month. 56 and so glad to still be here to see my two sons grow up to be fine young men. They are both serving in the US Navy, one on the aircraft carrier USS John Stennis in port in Singapor and the other on a Gator Freighter USS Bataan stationed in Norfolk, Va. to be deployed to the Middle East in early May. I am one very proud (what they call me)> Big Pops! 


PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 4/30/2009 3:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Sam,
Thank you for posting that. It helps me to see that you are facing all aspects of the situation.

I do hope you stay with us, including struggles with managing your own pain. You will see we all have those times when we can't find relief, and the challenges are many. So I hope you come here if you ever have to face that again, but I hope that you won't. Meaning I hope you doctor will be able to find a regimen that helps you manage your pain as best as possible.

Your post showed your character, and again, I thank you for it.

As far as your son, there are so many pressures with younger people these days...I wonder how I would have done growing up in these times. Unfortunately, peer pressure can alter behavior and what someone wouldn't do normally can be changed. There's no greater time for peer pressure than youth. So in learning to trust your son it will be important to see how potent those outside forces are - let alone the forces of "romance". So the trust may have to be tempered with reality, kind of like Pete is saying. Doesn't mean you don't love your son, but that as you say you're coming to learn a lot.

Us old dogs can learn new tricks, eh? LOL

PaLady

nurse2
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 229
   Posted 4/30/2009 9:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Sam,
I know a little about what you are going through with trust issues. I have three daughters. One of my twins got mixed up witht the wrong boy her senior year and totally changed. She got mad and basically told us to kiss off and moved into her own apt. the day after she turned eighteen in March. She skipped a lot of school, got messed up in a lot of things, made life miserable for her twin sister at school. The heart ache goes on and on. She then married a real winner at nineteen and was abused and we moved her out of that situation fast. She joined the Army and loved it but she got hurt and they had to discharge her with a disability. She went through a few other heart wrenching things and now has a beautiful daughter that she is raising as a single mother. She is working full time and just went back to college and is doing great. Do I trust her or believe everything she says? Unfortunately, no. We went through such a bad time and trust is very hard to regain with me. She is working very hard and we help raise her daughter with her going to school. She is a beautiful and extreamly smart woman with a wonderful work ethic and to say that I don't totally trust her is sad. I know it's something that I have to work on daily. I wish there was an easy answer when it comes to raising kids but I've helped deliver thousands of babies and none of them ever came out with a book around their necks! I guess prayer is the best thing that we have. Good luck to you.
Nurse2
Degenerative disc disease,osteoarthritis, status post 4 cervical spinal surgeries with plate insertions and fusion, Lupus, Sjogren's Disease, Fibromyalgia, chronic heacaches and chronic pain.


fatherjohn
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 999
   Posted 4/30/2009 10:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Sam, I have not posted much for awhile but as I read this I want to add a few things. I have had a son who stole my credit card, stole my meds, lied to me, and the list could go on. I found out that he wanted me to forgive him and when I did not right away, because he saw the lack of trust as not forgiving him. It ended whith him leaving and getting into trouble. I lost contact for awhile and I did not give up. He finally called me and wanted help. I helped him get home, handled a leagal matter for which he had a warrant out for him on and told him I wanted to build trust but it was earned and we would work on it together. I found the more I showed my trust in him, the more he realized that the trust could be rebuilt. He knew that I loved him and wanted the best for him. We set the rules down together and when he came up short I confronted him. It never went back as far as it did before. He was not perfect but neither was I. I had to fight myself at times because I did not want to extend the opportunities for him to build trust but as I did, he responded. He is now in the Army and I just visited him as he graduated from boot camp. What I have found by extending the opportunity for him to earn that trust, he even trusted me more and now he has turned his finances over to me to help him get out of a hole he dug. He hugged me and told me how much he loved me. He knows that I trust him because I showed him I did by extending small things to him and then increasing it. It has rebuilt our relationship. What he did hurt me deeply but I had to work through that hurt to rebuild the relationship. I know he has the opportunity to mess up again and if he does, I will start over with him. I love him to much to close it off. I guess I treasured the relationship with him more than I did the things he cost me. My meds are locked up - my responsibility. I took a chance with him and it paid off. Each situation and each person is different. What works with one may not work with another.

I am adding this beacause it has to do with the CP. Because I have spent the time and effort to rebuild the relationship, my son gives me more support in my pain. Before he left for boot camp he tried to do things for me that he knew I would not be able to do. When I saw him last week, he said he is looking forward to coming home in about 6 weeks and wants to help me more so that I can have some things done without paying the price with more pain. It has been a possitve thing for me in that respect.

Post Edited (fatherjohn) : 4/30/2009 11:28:58 PM (GMT-6)

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