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PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 5/1/2009 1:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Sandi,
I didn't want to sidetrack angel's thread, but I couldn't help thinking maybe it's time to forgive yourself? First, your son has turned out fine. And second, you were never doing anything wrong to begin with. You were simply trying to manage your pain, and unbenounced to you, you became pregnant.

I know it's not easy, but maybe finding a therapist or someone to help you release this unnecessary guilt that you're carrying would make life much more peaceful for you. You did nothing wrong to begin with. There's no comparison to angel's situation.

Just some thoughts I wanted to share.

Hugs,

PaLady

mrsm123
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 1228
   Posted 5/1/2009 7:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks PA. It may be, and I am so grateful that our son turned out just fine. I know that I wasn't doing anything wrong, but at the same time, it is difficult to know that you somehow were responsible for something that you believed would not have such a negative impact, only for it to have turned out that way, even if it was a short time. I don't know if I could explain it to anyone even at this point, but I will consider what you said PA Lady.
Sandi
PLIF/TLIF Fusion w/Instrumentation L4-5 Spondololysthesis L4-5.Laminectomies L4-5, foraminal stenosis L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, herniations L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, central canal stenosis L3-4, L4-5 and L5-S1
POST OP CES 3/30-06
Neurogenic Bladder and Bowel, bilateral numbness legs and feet
Revision for failed Back surgery, pseudoarthrosis L4-5, hemilaminectomies L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, bmp added to revision fusion, replaced two bent screws that were reversing out of vertebrae - August 2, 2007
On going back pain and neuropathic pain, failed back surgery, consult for scs, decided not to do that at this point.
Adhesive Arachnoiditis also......just what I didn't need..9/08- adding bilateral ulnar neuropathy with severe compression to the mix. They want me to see a surgeon for ulnar nerve surgery, but I'm not biting.
I've seen enough surgeons over the last few years.


edt
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 773
   Posted 5/2/2009 8:07 AM (GMT -7)   

Sandi,

I totally agree with PALady!  You did NOT plan your pregnancy it happened and I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason!  Focus on the end result, you have been blessed with a gift from God, your son is healthy and sounds like an ANGEL to me!  Some day when he is older you can share with him the surprise of him at a time when you were suffering pain and how he changed your life for the better!  Yes, what he endured was awful but you have given him a wonderful life and he you!!

Forgiving ourselves is indeed a task but once done, everything around you will look different.  What if your son hadn't been born?   

Start being grateful for every experience you share with him.  Sounds corny, but being grateful for all of our good, does over power the bad thoughts and memories!  Writing my thoughts in a journal is like therapy for me, once I have written my feelings it starts the process of letting it go!  You could write him a letter (but not give it to him) and tell him everything....save it and re read it or write it and burn it, just some ideas to ponder.

I for one think you are a wonderful Mother and person, you deserve to be free of this undeserved burden of guilt!  You are in my thoughts and prayers!!

XXOO
Patti

 

 

 


Danimal
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 80
   Posted 5/2/2009 5:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Sandi:

I wanted to say before that you sound like an amazing mom. I know it's really hard for you to let go of your feelings of guilt and I can empathize ( I mean...I already feel guilty and I don't even have a child yet!!!) but maybe if you start looking at it in a different way..you will start to feel less guilt. It wasn't you who made your son go through withdrawal..it was the RSD. You were on the meds. because of the RSD. You got pregnant. You could not have come off the meds. while pregnant because that would have been much more dangerous for your son, in utero. Think of it..trying to have a pregnant mother withdraw quickly is risky (my doc. already told me this). You can have flu-like symptoms, nausea, vomiting, heart palpitations...not to mention much more serious side-effects. It would have taken a really long time to wean you off of those meds. and you were already 10 weeks into your pregnancy...you just didn't have that amount of time.

So..really when you think of it, what alternatives did you have? None.

All of this happened because of the RSD..not because of any choice you made. You got dealt a sucky hand with the RSD but something good came out of it...your son! Yes, of course, you hated seeing him in the NICU and you hated to see him suffer but that is in the past and, you said yourself, that he is doing wonderfully and that there were no long-term effects.

So don't be too hard on yourself, ok? It sounds like you've been through a lot and it really sounds like you need to give yourself a pat on the back for having the strength to get through all of that. I hope I'm able to be just as strong.

Hugs,
Danimal

mrsm123
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 1228
   Posted 5/2/2009 5:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Edt,
Thank you for the kind words. My son is a gift, there is no doubt about that. He is 100% my buddy, my sunshine. He has brought me so many laughs, and so much joy. I can't imagine my life without him and don't want to even think of that.
He is a ray of sunshine and has a smile that lights up any room. I do treasure my life, and all of it's joys, and he is a large part of that.
Thank you again, Patti. You're right, it is time to let it go.
Not the lessons learned from it, by any measure, but to let that guilt go. It serves no purpose.
Sandi
PLIF/TLIF Fusion w/Instrumentation L4-5 Spondololysthesis L4-5.Laminectomies L4-5, foraminal stenosis L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, herniations L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, central canal stenosis L3-4, L4-5 and L5-S1
POST OP CES 3/30-06
Neurogenic Bladder and Bowel, bilateral numbness legs and feet
Revision for failed Back surgery, pseudoarthrosis L4-5, hemilaminectomies L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, bmp added to revision fusion, replaced two bent screws that were reversing out of vertebrae - August 2, 2007
On going back pain and neuropathic pain, failed back surgery, consult for scs, decided not to do that at this point.
Adhesive Arachnoiditis also......just what I didn't need..9/08- adding bilateral ulnar neuropathy with severe compression to the mix. They want me to see a surgeon for ulnar nerve surgery, but I'm not biting.
I've seen enough surgeons over the last few years.


mrsm123
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 1228
   Posted 5/2/2009 5:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you too Danimal. I am not sure about amazing, but I have an amazing boy out of that heartache. I wish that I could post a picture. He is just a ray of sunshine to everyone. He has so much compassion for people, he's a caring, loving little guy.
I can't think of a day when he doesn't wake up with a smile....I'll tell you all a funny story. My son was the last one on the bus earlier this year. Soon after school started, he told me that we "needed to talk" in his most serious voice. " Mom, would it be okay if I kissed you inside of the house, instead of at the bus?" So, of course, I asked him why and he replied , " well, see it's like this, I'm growing up and all, and the boys on the bus make fun of me because I kiss you every morning and tell you that I love you." I do , you know that right? but it is not nice to have them teasing me about it, so I thought that I would just give you a kiss inside the house, and then the boys wouldn't tease me anymore." Now, I'm a big ole softy and inside my heart was just breaking into a million pieces but I told him that it would be okay if that's what he wanted to do.....so that morning, off he went on the bus, and I held the tears until he was on the bus ....anyway, he came home that afternoon and told me that we needed to have another talk......oh boy, you can imagine what was going through my mind then......what else is my little guy going to cut off next? No more trips with him at school.....no more holding my hand??? What was coming now....LOL
Anyway, he told me that he knew that he hurt my feelings that morning and that he had given it some thought and he told those boys on the way home that he does love his mom, and he doesn't care if they make fun of him because he was going to kiss me no matter what they thought......needless to say, I was happy....and my son learned something that we have always tried to teach him and that is that it really doesn't matter what others think of you, as long as you are doing the right thing and making the right choices..
To this day, my son gives me a hug and a kiss every day before he leaves, and he proudly shouts out as he gets on the bus, I love you Mom.....answered by my own, I love you too buddy, see you later......
Sandi
PLIF/TLIF Fusion w/Instrumentation L4-5 Spondololysthesis L4-5.Laminectomies L4-5, foraminal stenosis L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, herniations L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, central canal stenosis L3-4, L4-5 and L5-S1
POST OP CES 3/30-06
Neurogenic Bladder and Bowel, bilateral numbness legs and feet
Revision for failed Back surgery, pseudoarthrosis L4-5, hemilaminectomies L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, bmp added to revision fusion, replaced two bent screws that were reversing out of vertebrae - August 2, 2007
On going back pain and neuropathic pain, failed back surgery, consult for scs, decided not to do that at this point.
Adhesive Arachnoiditis also......just what I didn't need..9/08- adding bilateral ulnar neuropathy with severe compression to the mix. They want me to see a surgeon for ulnar nerve surgery, but I'm not biting.
I've seen enough surgeons over the last few years.


PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 5/2/2009 6:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Sandi,
What a beautiful story! And made me chuckle, too! So like a boy on his way to growing up. Just may be faster than what you want!

PaLady

edt
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 773
   Posted 5/2/2009 10:05 PM (GMT -7)   

Ahhhh Sandi,

He is so SWEET, I love that you shared this with us!! 

XXOO
Patti


White Beard
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3610
   Posted 5/2/2009 10:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Is there anything greater or stronger than the love between a mother and her son? Sandi you are indeed blessed!

Thank-You for that Post

White Beard
  I'm Retired USAF, went back to school and became an RN, and now am on full disalbility!--Degenerative Disc (affecting mostly the thorasic disc but all levels involved), C6/7 laminectomy/diskectomy& fusion, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!) Medications: Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV


mrsm123
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 1228
   Posted 5/2/2009 11:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all. He is a sweet young man.....he cracks me up, tells me silly jokes, and we are best buddies.
What more can a mom ask for?  He tells me that when he grows up , he wants to marry someone like me.
I hope he feels that way when he is an adult, not that he needs to be in any hurry to get married, but it's a nice compliment.
 I am in no rush to see him grow up .....I can wait a few decades...LOL
Sandi smilewinkgrin
PLIF/TLIF Fusion w/Instrumentation L4-5 Spondololysthesis L4-5.Laminectomies L4-5, foraminal stenosis L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, herniations L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, central canal stenosis L3-4, L4-5 and L5-S1
POST OP CES 3/30-06
Neurogenic Bladder and Bowel, bilateral numbness legs and feet
Revision for failed Back surgery, pseudoarthrosis L4-5, hemilaminectomies L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, bmp added to revision fusion, replaced two bent screws that were reversing out of vertebrae - August 2, 2007
On going back pain and neuropathic pain, failed back surgery, consult for scs, decided not to do that at this point.
Adhesive Arachnoiditis also......just what I didn't need..9/08- adding bilateral ulnar neuropathy with severe compression to the mix. They want me to see a surgeon for ulnar nerve surgery, but I'm not biting.
I've seen enough surgeons over the last few years.


anice
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 536
   Posted 5/3/2009 8:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Sandi, what a beautiful story about your son. How old it he? I have an 11 y/o son and we are real close too. I know you are proud of him.
Anice

mrsm123
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 1228
   Posted 5/3/2009 12:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Anice,
He's 9, in fact just turned 9 on April 29th. I am proud of him........very proud. He's going to make some young woman a fine husband some day.
Sandi
PLIF/TLIF Fusion w/Instrumentation L4-5 Spondololysthesis L4-5.Laminectomies L4-5, foraminal stenosis L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, herniations L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, central canal stenosis L3-4, L4-5 and L5-S1
POST OP CES 3/30-06
Neurogenic Bladder and Bowel, bilateral numbness legs and feet
Revision for failed Back surgery, pseudoarthrosis L4-5, hemilaminectomies L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, bmp added to revision fusion, replaced two bent screws that were reversing out of vertebrae - August 2, 2007
On going back pain and neuropathic pain, failed back surgery, consult for scs, decided not to do that at this point.
Adhesive Arachnoiditis also......just what I didn't need..9/08- adding bilateral ulnar neuropathy with severe compression to the mix. They want me to see a surgeon for ulnar nerve surgery, but I'm not biting.
I've seen enough surgeons over the last few years.

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