Notsofoxy, first let me welcome you to this forum. From what you have written, you are at the right place. We come to this forum to encourage, listen, advise, cry with each other and offer the stability of a caring realtionship as we know what the cost of pain is and what it has done to us. Your name, notsofoxy sounds like you are reinforcing what the man in your life tells you but may not be true. For some of us, the pain has robbed us of the emotional and physical strength and self worth that we used to rely on, but that does not mean we are fat, useless and stupid. Pain is real and so are the effects.
You have addressed many issues in your post and I won't try to address them all. You will be hearing from others who will extend to you the listening ear that you crave. Someone who will listen and not judge, critisize or demean you in any way. From what you have said, you sound like a wonderful mother who is trying to do all you can for your two children and yourself. Without making a judgement against your husband, I don't believe anyone has the right to say those kind of things about another especially if they are married and supposedly commited to each other. It sounds like he may have as many or more issues that need to be dealt with than you.
From personal experience, degenerative disc disease and arthritis don't get better all by themselves. Many of us on thei forum, myself included have had 1 or more of those big surgeries and it wasn't the cure that we hoped it would be. Instead we live our lives and look for ways to manage the pain and readjust our lives as the effects of pain require. One place you can start is by not believing what he says about you, for yourself and your children. It sounds like you are in a difficult spot but there are options and they are worth looking into. You have to weigh the presence of material things with the healthy atmosphere of a loving home. It sounds like the two of you should, could and would benefit from counseling but unfortuanely, sometimes people who display attitudes like your husband are not overly open to such avenues of help.
The other issue I would like to addresss is the difference btween addicted to medication or dependent on them. there is a big difference. Dependent to them to be able to function in even the smallest way extremely different from being addicted. I run a drug and alcohol recovery services program and there is a major difference. I want to encourage you to stay connected here and just listen to how some of us work through some of the same issues you are speaking of. You will find more caring people here than you thought was possible.
NSF, Welcome to HW. I aggree with the name change.
My first suggestion to you is to find a counselor you need to redefine whom you are and find a way to rebuild your self esteem sweety. Let NO man convince you that you are worthless ever! You are a Mother of 2 wonderful children and your there fighting for them to have a lfe and that in itself maked you something.
All of us here have pain issues and all of us here have traveled roads we never thought we would have to and many of us have made it and many more will.
You need some support in your life and someone to help you along to get out the rut you have found yourself in. Better pain management can and does make all the difference in our lives and it isnt always easy to find. You didnt say I dont think what kind of meds your taking nor if those are being prescribed regularly by your Doc and its ok if they are not but they need to be adjusted or changed and good PM can change the way you function and allow you to have a more normal life and after that all else is alittle easier to deal with.
I urge you find a good therapist soon and every city has a state funded program based on your ability or lack of to pay. If you have a Comprehensive care in your city call them and if not call a local psych Doc in the book and ask whomever answers where you can go.
You will feel so much freer to help yourself when you can stop beratting yourself for something you have no control over.
Good luck to you.
NotSoFoxy, Please do not refer to yourself that way first of all... You are better than that. I do not have the wonderful words of wisdom that you have already received. I cannot give alot of extra advice than to that of which you have already been given. I will simply add a few things.
Your testimony touched me deeply. I wish that I could be there to offer you a hug and my shoulder. I do believe that you have come to the right place for support,friendship,acceptance,understanding and compassion. This is a wonderful group of people, you will soon find that out.
You stated that you have been in several abusive relationships. And also that you became independent and never allowed another man to make you feel less that what you were. And that you never allowed another man to put his hands on you again, until now. Don't you see... You have the inner strength that you need to do all those things yet again. That is how you were able to do it before. I feel that you became strong then. You can do it again. You simply have to believe in yourself again and find that inner strength to pull yourself back up. He has brainwashed you my dear, into thinking that you are all those things he says you are. And after hearing it for so long, it has become real to you. He is also using your children to hurt you so deeply-by buying the toys,etc. that he knows you can't do right now. You and your children deserve so much more than the life he has given you. He wants you weak and dependent upon him most likely because he fears you will find someone else.
I hope that you won't allow this abuse to continue. I know it is much easier said than done. Taking the necessary action is the hard part. But that is where you will draw deep within yourself and find that spunk that you once had and go forward with your life for you and for your children.Regardless on what you decide, you will have support and acceptance here. Please feel free to post whenever you feel like it. You will not be judged or abused by anyone here on this forum.
I am sorry that you have so much on you. I am sorry about your physical condition that brought you here. And I agree with what was already said that you are not addicted to the meds you take. You need them to function in life and to help ease some of your pain. There is a big difference.
You hang in there and never allow anyone to make you lose your self-worth. You are a great person, and a loving mother. You ARE way more that what he wants you to believe you are. Always remember that. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck to you. I wish you the best.
Post Edited (anice) : 5/11/2009 7:18:50 AM (GMT-6)