PAlady, I am not feeling guilty for the meds. I think I am beyond that point. My pcp thinks the PMS is under medicating me and as you well know that can be a touchy subject to bring up to your PMS. As I don't have another option for a PMS except move back to Montana, I am carefull but I think its time to have the discussion with him, at least for something to handle those break through times. You mentioned the issue of being in too much stress so I can get a real rear on the effectiveness of the trial. That is what I am looking at as I am still registering pretty high on my pain scale and sitting in a seminar for 1 1/2 days before having the stim put in on top of where I am now could be a major mistake.
Char, I am hoping that by June, we have either the stim or a pump set up so the last few days in June will be a restful time. I find that a trip like that and sitting in seminars or even lecturing takes a toll and then it takes several days to recover. At least my wife will be in a warm climate and can worship the sun as Oregon is not known for its sunny days.
I am back in bed trying to manage the pain that is exercising its wild side. I hope that mother's day has been good to all of you. Blessings!
Post Edited (Frances_2008) : 5/10/2009 11:16:41 PM (GMT-6)
I enjoyed your post and how you named it, very appropriate lol. You did it, you pulled off the big fund raiser and it was a big success. I know you were sweating bullets over this too. Kuddos to you.
However, in all of the goodness you do, it is really sad to see a person get spread as thin as you do and take yourself to such inhuman limits. I am not sure there is much in the medical field that will ever improve your physical health because of the extremes your body is pushed to. Our medications, SCS's, intrathecal pain pumps, Tens Units, things like this are nothing more than tools to help with our pain. If our bodies are not given proper rest and nourishment it needs to function all the extras in the world are really not going to help us as much as much as they normally would. Frances brought up some excellent points on what we have to do in order to make these tools work and be a success.
You mentioned in a previous post the organization you work for is a large well known one. You have obviously made your school a tremendous success. What I guess I don't understand is, if the higher ups in this organization have acknowledged your work and what you have done for this school to be a success, why do they think this can be a one man show only. I am looking at it from a management angle when I ask this question. What if something happened to you and you were not able to be there, are there no other people in this large organization that can be put in a post. Expecting one person to be there 24/7 is not realistic from a management point of view, its just not good business. I understand the part about alot of the money for the school is raised by fund raisers, donations and things of this nature. I am sure that I am missing something here and thats why I am so confused lol.
I really hope you will follow thru with taking the time off before the trial. Otherwise, I see an exhausted, pain wracked body not being able to really know if something is giving some relief because the pain levels are too far out of control.
You know, I am sure your family really does not care if you don't stand in the kitchen turning out some special dinner for them. If anything you probably make them feel guilty because you push beyond reason with this super human nature that just does not exist in a normal body. They would probably much rather see you sit down in a chair with your propped up relaxing for change. Why can you not allow yourself this simple little luxury? You know when our bodies are spent, our emotions are spent and we really are not much use to anyone. I know in my mind what your family see's you go through is not what they want to see.
I wish I had answers for you, maybe wave that magic wand we all talk about and look for, that will make things right in our lives some how. I see you in my mind as a very caring, compassionate soul, trying to make this world a better place for many people, giving to everyone, except yourself. Why can you not give to yourself some of the very thngs you give to others? You deserve it and you must stop this guilt you place on yourself, its just not good for the soul.
I worry about you.
Thanks every one for the words of encouragement and concern. It was a long day as I spend the day in meetings (sitting for long periods of time is so good for us). I advised them that I would be leaving early tomorrow. The comment was made, "So your surgery is at 2:00 PM and it is 45 minutes away, that means you can stay until at least 1:00. I am glad that I do this work for the students who are making such great changes in their lives and not for others who only administrate. Those people are needed but I have too much compassion. Enough of that.
I am hoping that the trial will go well, meaning that there will be some relief as to be pain free has not been in my vocabulary for too many years. I am not sure if I will be taking off for a few days or not. I have more than enough sick leave and vacation time. I am thinking that taking the rest of the week off would not be a bad thing.
Susie, those to whom I am accountable to know that having one person working so hard is not good. Th funds must be raised for staff and that is my responsibility which I don't have the time to do and the organization is not going to help as that is why I am here. Maybe not the best organizational plan but I am working hard at changing what I can. I know they wonder if my physical limitations are causing the problem but when I put in 60 plus hours a week, I think I can prove my physical limitatin is not the problem. If I did not believe in what I do, I would be looking for something else. There are some personal issues that I am not able to disclose as I support those who I am responsible to even if I don't always agree with them. Some people are business minded and others are people minded. I'll bet you cound point out which one I am. I tell people that I am not a workaholic, but a ministeraholic. The difference is the way we justify it. (still not right, ok)
Anyway, I am looking forward to a good day tomorrow and I will log in after I get home tomorrow to share all the good news with you.
Here is to that big lunch you will need to eat lol, loved that idea. I do hope this is going to be the answer to some of your pain, I am praying for it anyway as many of us are. We can't help but worry about you and these insane hours you work and knowing you just trudge along at best sometimes. I truly worrry about your body quitting on you. By the way, has your BP droppped down any. Hope this does not become an issue tomorrow with the trial. I have a long standing history of high BP. Pain can send your BP right to the moon. Keep an eye on the BP thing. Took me 3 months to get mine down & stable to have an endoscopy last Dec. The facility refused to allow it until I provided them with a letter from my dr.
Take the rest of the week off, what a wonderful idea-but will you do it? Do it for the sake of needing some down time to see if the SCS is helping.
Please let us know how things are going.....Susie