I truly get where your coming from. After all the years of trial and errors I have gone back to my Mothers way of thinking!
She told us throughout or lives that if we expect nothing then we are never disappointed. It works for me. By keeping my expectations to a minimum I dont seem to suffer the great let downs anylonger.
Anything I deem as a good result from a drug or therapy comes as a surprise and makes my day you might say but without the huge expectations, I dont let myself get excited, makes the good results that much more thrilling and the bad results just another trial and error response.
Probably not the most healthy of mental issue thinking,not allowing yourself to expect things but it was getting real tiring always being on the downside of life,seeing only the losing ends,and not the gaining as they were so few and far between they were taking a backseat to the let downs and my mental status was suffering greatly and therefore aggravating my pain issues more.
Hoping that something works but living Murphy's Law with me.
Post Edited (Chartreux) : 5/16/2009 9:08:48 AM (GMT-6)
My biggest shock came when I realized after the fusion 9 yrs ago that the pain situation was permanent. I expected to have surgery and in 6 weeks be back to work and life would be good again. Having worked in the Medical Field all my life thats how it worked, diagnosis, surgery...fixed. N O T....so along the way in my quest to find the treatment that would work, as soon as I would start the treatment I would believe it was working....after many failed treatments...my husband would remind me to be more realistic in my possible outcome! At first I thought he was being an AH and bursting my HOPE bubble, but in the end he was right, it was hard for me to admit that another treatment failed! So, over the last year, I have been very realistic and almost hesitant on what I choose to try (most are not covered by Medicare). Going into a treatment with, if I get some relief.... it is a successful treatment has saved me that big crash when I realize it didn't work. I hope I am making sense in my babbling!
I am now experiencing SOME relief from the LDN....still realistic but OH SO HOPEFUL!!
Also, in December when I did a google search and found Healing Well....I found my life preserver in a world where I thought I might drown someday all by myself....THANK YOU ALL and THANK YOU FatherJohn, you always start a thread that gets us thinking!!
Post Edited (PAlady) : 5/16/2009 8:54:58 PM (GMT-6)
I so relate to your comment about applying for SSD, when I made the decision to leave my job, I scheduled an appt with SS to file the papers. The young man who took my info was very kind, I was crying during the interview....it was the worst day of my life, in a nutshell, it made my situation REAL and I was now no longer an idependent person. Thats how I viewed it at that time! I was in a deep depression, pain was out of control (still) and DEVASTATED. That was June 2003. The day I got the call (12/19/2003) I was sitting in my car on the side of the road, SOBBING and asking God what was I supposed to do, go back to work, rely on my husband for income (after working since 14 this was unacceptable to me) why did this happen to me? After a long time I pulled myself together, came home and there was a message on the answering machine, I pushed the button and this voice who sounded like an Angel to me.... said this is Gloria from Social Security you have been approved for SSD since August (2 mos from the file date), for some reason your file was missed and we need your bank account info to deposit your 1st 2 checks.....it was a euphoric moment to say the least! Even though I had to wait 24 months for Medicare, I would be getting a check every month.....we paid into this all our working lives, I never imagined I would collect on it before age 70.....it happened at 49 instead!
Hang in there, you DESERVE SSD!
P.S. sorry I went off the subject a bit!!
I should have added we ALL DESERVE SSD, when we finally admit to ourselves that working lessens our QUALITY of LIFE! I know my friends you know what I mean!
Do it PA Lady, tears are cleansing!! Its okay to admit we aren't strong in all area's of our life especially in our biggest disappointments we have no control over!
Sending you lots of love and hugs,
Yes, I've seen myself as a Disappointment.....but not for very long, it was a devastating time for me! Some how I found the strength to realize I felt this way because of my circumstances! I had many chats with my closest friends who listened and disagreed with me wholeheartedly. I began to look at all the good I did over my lifetime and made a list of both positives and negatives. This worked for me! EVERYDAY I spend time in the morning being grateful for every single thing in my life, for what I have, for what I CAN do and especially for the people in my lives that I love and am loved by. There is just no way to stay stuck in that emotion if you do this! Hope this makes sense!
Post Edited (anice) : 5/18/2009 6:57:50 AM (GMT-6)
Skeye, I agree that we cannot stop hoping as that would probably spiral most of us into a drak pit of depression. Sometimes we feel like we are there anyway. I agree with you, none of us deserve to live with CP. If God would have put me in charge... This brings up another aspect that I deal with. That is God. I am and have been a pastor for 27 years. I travel to many churches and speak about drug/alcohol abuse and seek financial support. Some of these other pastors have known me for years. They almost always ask me how I am doing. When I share that the surgery failed and that we are just learning to live with the pain. The first thing they do is say we need to pray and have God heal you. I wish I had thought of that. (sarcasim) They at times put it on not enough faith. So when God puts me in charge ...
Patti, Anice and Skeye, the statement about is it possible to see ourselves as a disappointment was of course a retorical question. When I see myself at that point, I try and define what is truth and then I allow my mind to center there and not on the lies that creep in or are stated by others. Truth has a way of setting us free. Maybe not free from pain but from self condemnation. I have to constantly remind myself of some of these things. Skeye, if God puts me in charge, you will be one of the first on the list along with the others here. Have a blessed night.
I almost did not add the part about church/pastor because I know that can be a debatable subject for some and do not want to look like I am preaching or promoting a specific belief. But it is part of my journey and I know a part of others as well. Unfortunately, many people have been hurt or judged by "the church" whatever that means for each individual and it is unfortuanate because it could be another area of support for those who have it as part of their life.
Cshelp, you mention building a strong wall around you. Sometimes the wall can be good and sometimes it can be limiting, depends on the kind of wall and its purpose. I hope the wall that you are speaking of is a protective wall that helps you. I have shared before as well as others have that we loose support from paople around us including church, work, friends and family. I think many of us have experienced this but we still need the support so this forum helps provide us with part of that need. Thanks for sharing. (I do not believe that God is punishing you or any others here. That does not mean we don't feel that way at times.