I so can relate. My heart goes out to you. I wish I'd be there to give you a hug even though we don't know each other. Not knowing you, I have to ask: are you alone? In these hours of affliction, is there anyone for you, to take care of you and make it easier on you? A husband, children...
Hopefully, or else keep on writing, vent as much as you want. I am all ears.