I have been eaten up by the guilt for so long. Guilt for not being the same anymore. Guilt about not working (believe me fellows I tried and I am a though cookie), Guilt about not being up to the task with my kids, Guilt about not smiling enough and be as cheerful as before. Guilt about not giving my partner enough sex (sorry but a spade is a spade ...and I'm french lol). Guilt about not doing enough in the house when my partner comes back from work. Guilt anout saying no to my mom who asked me WHY I can't help you installing your A/C on your windowsill. For the 100 times mom, my back hurts. It has been years now! Where have you been? It still hasn't sunk in. Or do you think I'm fakin't it?
Guilt, Guilt, Guilt, Guilt...
It undermines me and I am getting fed-up of it. Let's rewind a little. Oh! Guess what? I am the victim here. I am the one sleeping 3-4 hours a night, if any sometimes. I am the one undergoing pain 24 hrs a day. I am the one dealing with the side-effect of these blamin' meds.
You feel frustration because after 5 mins of listening to you, my mind seems to have drifted away? well sorry! This is as long as I can give you my divided attention. It goes bak to my pain. I know I know, everything is about my pain. Your life revolves around it and I am AGAIN sorry! But if it is hard for you guys to live around me (us) can you stop a minute and imagine what it'd be like to live like we do. Now I would like to see you my beloved ones at my place. See how you smile, be an animal in bed, listen attentively without squinting, and get on your for four to play with the kids.
This feels good (to vent) but still, it does not make me shed all the guilt I feel for not being able to live up to everybody's expectation. It is so undermining. Does anyone fell the same?
And if so, how do you guys deal with it.
Thanks for listening.