To hell with the guilt!

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Frenchdude
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 5/20/2009 8:29 AM (GMT -7)   
 
I have been eaten up by the guilt for so long. Guilt for not being the same anymore. Guilt about not working (believe me fellows I tried and I am a though cookie), Guilt about not being up to the task with my kids, Guilt about not smiling enough and be as cheerful as before. Guilt about not giving my partner enough sex (sorry but a spade is a spade ...and I'm french lol). Guilt about not doing enough in the house when my partner comes back from work. Guilt anout saying no to my mom who asked me WHY I can't help you installing your A/C on your windowsill. For the 100 times mom, my back hurts. It has been years now! Where have you been? It still hasn't sunk in. Or do you think I'm fakin't it?
 
Guilt, Guilt, Guilt, Guilt...
 
It undermines me and I am getting fed-up of it. Let's rewind a little. Oh! Guess what? I am the victim here. I am the one sleeping 3-4 hours a night, if any sometimes. I am the one undergoing pain 24 hrs a day. I am the one dealing with the side-effect of these blamin' meds.
 
You feel frustration because after 5 mins of listening to you, my mind seems to have drifted away? well sorry! This is as long as I can give you my divided attention. It goes bak to my pain. I know I know, everything is about my pain. Your life revolves around it and I am AGAIN sorry! But if it is hard for you guys to live around me (us) can you stop a minute and imagine what it'd be like to live like we do. Now I would like to see you my beloved ones at my place. See how you smile, be an animal in bed, listen attentively without squinting, and get on your for four to play with the kids.
 
Ahhhh.
 
This feels good (to vent) but still, it does not make me shed all the guilt I feel for not being able to live up to everybody's expectation. It is so undermining. Does anyone fell the same?
And if so, how do you guys deal with it.
 
Thanks for listening.
 
Frenchdude

Tony McGuire
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 483
   Posted 5/20/2009 9:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Live up to your own expectations, knowing what you do about the limitations that you have that you can't do anything about.

Maybe you explain it to those close to you, whose opinion of you matters to you.

Most of all, don't sweat the small stuff.
Wife: Liz, the choice of a lifetime
Dogs: Koshka Prayer & Chomp Prayer
Meet My Wife And Me


Chutz
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 9090
   Posted 5/20/2009 11:54 AM (GMT -7)   
I agree with Tony on this one...you are not living to impress others. Sure we all feel some responsibilities to those we love but life is what it is. If our bodies don't work like we want they have no right to beat you down. And you have no need to feel guilty....but I do too, OK? It's very hard to push those feeling out of your head and it will take some time. I have no idea what will work for you but it is possible to do.

A couple of ideas... write a letter to your friends and family and then deliver them...mail them even if they live next door. They will see you are serious. Tell them, in writing, what you pain is about and what some of your limitations are. Assure them of your love but ask them to respect that you are not the person you once were nor want to be. Ask that they accept you the way you are.

Another idea is to ask your doc for a referral to a pain psychologist. Yep, there are such things. They can help us with just these issues...guilt, depression and even have suggestions that might ease some of the pain. I've talked to many folks who have gone this route with wonderful results.

Isn't is amazing just how people react to someone in pain vs. someone who visually has limitations. If we had a missing limb or paralyzed no one would ever consider what you are experiencing, Frenchdude. But Pain is a 'hidden disease' and hence we are left wondering about our own sanity. This leads me to another idea....get a wheelchair! To save money go to a thrift store, like the Good Will. The very often have them, just ask. Also your insurance company might be willing to get you a 'scooter'. This will not only add to your comfort but it might get the point across to the family that you DO have problems. And plus...think of all the rides and races you can have with those kids down the hall...lol I'm serious tho...

Keep in touch and let us know how you're doin...K?

Chutzie
Co-Moderator Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Forums
~~~
Fibromyalgia, Ulcerative Colitis, Insulin dependent diabetic, PTSD, dermatitis herpetiformus, osteoarthritis and a few other side dishes.
***************
Happiness is something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for."
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TroubleMaker
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 119
   Posted 5/20/2009 1:22 PM (GMT -7)   

I do believe you took the words out of my fingers.  I'm heading to the doctor in a bout 25 minutes and I was just sitting here thinking, I really really hope he's as cool still as he was the first time I saw him.  Just knowing I'm gonna have to tell him the steroids really didnt help have me nervious and I really don't know why I should be, but I feel guily cause I'm still hurting, the pain is still there.  Never thought of it being guilt I feel, but you hit the nail on the head.  It sucks!!!!!!! Pain is a word I'd love to have out of my head.

 

Thank you for explaining it so dang well.

 

Trouble :)


 
 


PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 5/20/2009 5:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Frenchdude,
I'm not sure if I've ever welcomed you but if I haven't, consider this a belated hello!

I think you did hit one of the nails on the head that many of us struggle with. I'm glad you gave it such clarity. No, it's not rational, but yes, it's there. I think venting and getting it out of our system is part of the strategy to release all that's pent up inside. So thanks for posting!

PaLady

cshelp
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 96
   Posted 5/21/2009 8:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Frenchdude,
Guilt is a heavy word that each and everyone carries upon themselves. I always hide my guilt, it weighs me down and fills me up until one day I break, cry, get angry and gets so tired and worn out. After I let it all out, sometimes I think why did this pain do this to me. I try to think of all the good things I have. You have beautiful children and they will always love you, be there for you. My youngest daughter is 8, she doesn't know everything I have been thru but she knows I hurt. i will be doing something in the kitchen and she will simply come up to me and start to give me a back rub. Sometimes they get angry because I cant take them somewhere or do something but they get over it because they are simply glad I am at home even if it means I am on the couch with the heating pad. Hang in there. i hope this helps,
cshelp
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