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LLPLUV
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1158
   Posted 6/14/2009 7:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Ok I think everyone has read that we were planning on a vacation to Florida.
 
My husband came home yesterday and told me he was going to move the vacation to Thanksgiving.  It was unusal most the time he always asks me if we can do this.  I started to get annoyed but he explained his thinking.  In the end I really didn't have anything to be annoyed with.  Should I be happy with him or should I be annoyed?
 
His reasoning.....
 
End of July will be hot.  I take 4 different blood pressure meds to keep it somewhat under control.  A few of my meds say to stay out of the sun.  Heat brings my blood pressure up.  With heat you can become dehydated.  Then my kidney's will hurt worse.  I can drink a gallon of water and still get pain from to much fluid.  Drinking alot of water also increases my water retention on the heart and lungs.  (CHF)
 
He's also worried about doctors and ER trips concerning the heat reacting badly with my conditions.
 
 
These were his talking points.  He also stated we can take 4 days and go somewhere that I will be comfortable. Don't know where but us and the kids can figure it out.
 
Heres my concerns.  I feel like crap.  We have always went to Florida during the summer and sometimes during x-mas in the same year.  I feel like I am hindering my family.  I feel selfish.  I love to make my family happy but I don't want to cancel a vacation the kids really want to have because of my health.
 
I just don't know if I can handle what CP is throwing at me.  I'm always a strong person but this one is getting to me.
 
Laurie


39 yr young female with,
Chronic Kidney Stones, PKD (Polycystic Kidney Disease), Chronic Kidney Failure, Severe Hypertension, Urological RSD
Also CHF (Congestive Heart Failure) and Sleep Apnea
Hopefully NO MORE........ I think I have it all


edt
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 773
   Posted 6/14/2009 8:32 AM (GMT -7)   

Laurie,

Your husbands reasoning sounds like he is concerned and considerate of what may happen to you or what you may have to deal with should something happen.

I understand your reasons for being upset for being left out of the loop of his decision.  I used to feel like this if my husband made a decision that we couldn't partake in something because it would not be good or comfortable for me.  It used to make me so mad and was a big source of issues in our relationship....when I started voicing my anger over these decisions it was then that he revealed that he was protecting me.  After alot of chatting over similar situations, we have agreed to let me decide if its something I can do or not.  Most times, when the day arrives the situation is either a go or a cancel..which is fine either way and people understand.

Your situation is what it is, we all wish we could be different BUT DO NOT beat yourself up over this.  We create our own guilt.  I've found that my family accepts my situation better then me. 

Think of it this way, what if your husband had your issues?  Knowing you as we do I feel you would ALWAYS think of his comfort first.  I venture to bet you will enjoy even a 1, 2 or 4 day event as long as you are together with your family!  Kids adjust and have fun, some of our best memories were created on a 1 or 2 day outing.

Give yourself a break, my favorite motto is enjoy the day, second to second, minute to minute...don't worry about what happened 5 minutes ago or what may happen 5 minutes from now....enjoy the moment right now!

So my answer is thank him for being considerate and share how what he did made you feel!  We can't help how we feel, sharing how we feel well that can be tough alot of the time! Once you tell him how you feel, I believe you will feel much better and more accepting of the decision he made!

Enjoy your time with your family no matter what you end up doing!

(((((((((((((((((((((Laurie)))))))))))))))))))

XXOO
Patti

 


LLPLUV
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1158
   Posted 6/14/2009 8:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Patti....

Thank you for your response it really did help. When you stated I would do the same if it were reversed. You are so right. I am so into my family they are my life.

Like everyone says on here you will have a New Normal. I'm just having a hardtime letting go of the old normal. I was such an active person. Always planning everything, doing everything, packing for 5 people. Now I need help with these tasks. I know my family will jump right in and help but its just so different.

I guess everything takes time. It took time for the progression of my illness now its going to take time to get used to the limitations...

Once again thank you for responding

Laurie
39 yr young female with,
Chronic Kidney Stones, PKD (Polycystic Kidney Disease), Chronic Kidney Failure, Severe Hypertension, Urological RSD
Also CHF (Congestive Heart Failure) and Sleep Apnea
Hopefully NO MORE........ I think I have it all


edt
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 773
   Posted 6/14/2009 8:59 AM (GMT -7)   

Laurie,

I've been where you are, acceptance comes with time!  I wasted so much time in the "what if mode" and resentment mode....that when the lights came on I realized it was ME hindering myself.  Hope that makes sense!

We are here for you Laurie with our love and understanding.  Have a good day!

XXOO
Patti


PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 6/14/2009 10:48 AM (GMT -7)   
Laurie,
You aren't alone in hanging onto the "old normal" and trying to get it back. I think for many of us the ends of our fingernails are somehow glued to the vision of how we saw our life. Mine still are. And it's like crazy glue. Very hard to detach. But not impossible.

Although don't look to me as a role model!

Hugs!

PaLady

straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 13451
   Posted 6/14/2009 11:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Laurie, Edt gave the very best answer than any of us could. I too will say be very, very glad your husband has the insight to take your health into consideration. You have no idea girl how lucky you are. My husband after 7 yrs of seeing me endure and go thru some of the things I have, still refuses to accept to my situation. I think most of it is plain ole denial. He cannot accept his own health problems and they are very serious ones.

One of the key words here is you say "your condition has worsened as it progressed along." He has seen that progression and he has your best interest at heart.

Acceptance is hard with CP. My only words on that one is don't spend alot of precious time over the past. It really takes away from your today and tomorrow. Hugs, Susie


crohns disease dx 2002 & small bowel resection, still looking for remission whatever that is, chronic pain 22 yrs, added ulcerative colitis 6-05 to the mix, high blood pressure 28 yrs, aortic heart valve insuffiency, peripheral neuropathy hands & feet, COPD & on oxygen therapy, lupus & decreased circulation in both legs. Too many surgeries to list and too many medications to list. Currently on 16 different daily medications. Intrathecal pain pump implanted June 05.

Post Edited (straydog) : 6/15/2009 2:16:18 AM (GMT-6)


anice
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 536
   Posted 6/14/2009 11:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Laurie, You have been given some great advice. I can understand how you feel. I think your husband has your best interests at heart and he is looking out for you and your health. Few husbands would do that. I know it is hard to move forward with how things used to be to how things are. You are still that same person. You love your family, it shows. And you know that as long as you are all together on vacation, it doesn't really matter where you go. New memories will be made. And wonderful family fun will be part of that time. I does matter more the quality of time that you have than where you go. Relax. And allow yourself to enjoy your vacation wherever it may be. I think getting away will be wonderful and such a well deserved time!!! You deserve to get away whether it is now or when the temps are cooler. Now sure would be nice , wouldn't it!!! Sit down with your husband and together you will make the right decision. And please don't think you are hindering your family. They love you and want to  be with you. They also want you to be able to enjoy yourself too. Your husband does have some good and valid points. He is concerned about your comfort and your health. He wants what is best for you. Truly few husbands really feel that way.( no disrespect to the husbands out there. I don't mean that applies with all husbands)
Anice

Post Edited (anice) : 6/15/2009 1:00:54 AM (GMT-6)


LLPLUV
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1158
   Posted 6/15/2009 6:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all! I know I have a wonderful and caring husband. We seem to have spend the last 18 yrs taking care of each other and our whole family that includes parents, sisters and brothers. For my husband to make this decison is HUGE. He NEVER makes decisions without my input. Plus hes giving up seeing his mother and step father another 5 months. He did listen to my input in the end but in all acuality he had already made the decision. Over the 18 yrs when he has pulled the man of the house trump card (not common) I go along without with it. For I get the mom trump card that I can use. It might sound strange to have TRUMP cards you can pull but it acually works for us.

I think this vacation has brought to my attention how things have acually changed for me in lifestyle. I can accept that I hurt so bad all week while I work. Accepting someday soon I will have to medically retire. That I can handle. Working gives me some kind of control high. I know this sounds bad but I feel as long as I can keep working I at least have some control over the pain and what it can do to me. But to have CP effect issues with my family is harder to except. I have no control over that aspect of CP.

Once again I have to say this forum has done me wonder. I love everyone on here with all my heart. In the time of need there is so much support here.

Laurie
39 yr young female with,
Chronic Kidney Stones, PKD (Polycystic Kidney Disease), Chronic Kidney Failure, Severe Hypertension, Urological RSD
Also CHF (Congestive Heart Failure) and Sleep Apnea
Hopefully NO MORE........ I think I have it all


edt
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 773
   Posted 6/15/2009 10:27 PM (GMT -7)   

Laurie,

I so understand your comments about working, sooooo true! 

((((((((((((((((((((Laurie)))))))))))))))))))

XXOO
Patti


White Beard
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3610
   Posted 6/16/2009 6:05 AM (GMT -7)   
LLPLUV
 
I should not be posting I have so many other things I need to be doing, and so little time to do it in, before I leave on my trip!  Chutzie thanks for posting for me, but with that said, I just can not let this thread go by without my comment!
 
 This time I dissagree with most everyone else! I feel,  it  is not alright, for one spouse to make decisions like that, without,  at the very least, consulting  with the other! Especially when you are supposedly the reason or excuse for the decision! It sets up a dangerous and unhealthly precedent, in ones marriage! One spouse should not be making decisions for the other ( with only rare exceptions) You are not a child, and I feel you should not set your self up to be dependent on your spouse to make decisions for you!  It is to easy, especially when you don't feel good, to relinquish your share of control and responsibility in a marriage, and once you do that,  it can be really tough getting it back! In your situation Laurie, if you have always went on vacation in the summer before, what is so different now?  or  what has changed  to cause your husband to not want to go on a summer vacation? I am not saying you should or shouldn't go, or even that your husbands decision is wrong or right, I just don't think he should of made the decision without you! And especially if it affect the whole family and how they might view it!
I have got to go,  I have so much going on right now I can't post any more. But remember Laurie,  there is TWO people in a marraige, and both should be equally involved!
That is my two Cents! Good Luck to You!
 
White Beard
Moderator Chronic Pain
 
I'm Retired USAF, went back to school and became an RN, and now am on full disalbility!--Degenerative Disc (affecting mostly the thorasic disc but all levels involved), C6/7 laminectomy/diskectomy& fusion, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!) Medications: Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV


edt
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 773
   Posted 6/16/2009 7:46 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi WhiteBeard,

I agree with your posting to a point.  I think we are all speaking from our own personal experiences in our comments.  I have found over the years that my husband has said things and I have said things that were harmless comments or decisions, believing them to be right.  There was a time when I first entered the CP world that my confidence was down and I was floating in a sea of denial and sorrow, when comments were made I took them out of context and did not speak up!  I was hurt beyond words and somehow deep inside felt I deserved what was happening because look at me, I am only half the person I used to be. 

When the fog lifted and I began asking for the meanings and voicing my concerns, I found out that what I thought was meant was not even close.

SO I agree NO ONE has the right to make decisions for us, but I do believe if we communicate, it does clear the misunderstanding that occured.   Husbands and wives tend to take each other for granted and some never grow together with the changes that come with life.  

I always appreciate another point of view to ponder, makes me realize we don't all see things the same.....isn't life great lol.

Have a good trip, we will miss you!

XXOO
Patti

 

 


skeye
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 2976
   Posted 6/16/2009 8:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Laurie,

I'm sorry that I'm posting a bit late. I've had a hard time keeping up with my reading because of all the issues that I've had going on myself. I think that you are absolutely right to be upset. I'd certainly be upset - both about not being able to go/losing something you love, and about the way in which it came about. I agree with White Beard that I don't think that it is right for your husband to have made this decision without your input. Granted, he did it with the best intentions, but I think that you should have a say in the matter. It is one thing for him to give you his opinion & to try to talk you out of going, but it's another to cancel the trip all together without first asking you. I know he wasn't trying to hurt you - in fact, quite the opposite, but I think that you should have had the opportunity to talk things over before any decision was made. I do know that it is hard, learning to give up the things that we used to be able to do pre-CP. And often times we do need a little help, or support making that decision/realization. But I just don't think that anyone (perhaps with the exception of a doctor) should be able to tell you that you must/are going to give up something you love. At least you have a loving, supportive husband who clearly puts your health & wellbeing at the top of his list. You are very lucky to have someone that loving & supportive.

hugs,
Skeye

Post Edited (skeye) : 6/16/2009 9:42:15 PM (GMT-6)

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