~How to respond

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Mrs. Dani
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 2787
   Posted 7/17/2009 6:34 PM (GMT -7)   
 
 
Greetings My Fellow CPers!
 
Recently I have found myself in odd situations where I don't know what to say. Or WORSE I think of something to say in my mind that isnt exactly positive. So, I learned well! Nothing nice to say be quiet and help the other party to understand.
 
What to say to accusatory , often snyde, questions like...
 
"How can you walk with chronic pain?"
"Fishing with chronic pain?"
"How can you go on vacation with pain?"
"How can you be a mom with pain?"
 
 
Now... I will confess. Only you guys! so no spillin the beans that I have a mean side.. But my FIRST thought is always...
*you go roll over and pretend like time has stopped* *poke*
 
But I dont. I am quiet. Sometime I try to give ideas how they too can enjoy life. Often to be ridiculed.  
 
..... And yes. When I can barley walk 5 mins... I spend all day working towards the car, just so I could be driven to a tree to sit. I need these things. To live. 
 
So what do you say? When someone presents a questions repeatedly in a rude, forward manner? 
 
*huggs*
dani
 
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,  
And sorry I could not travel both  
And be one traveler, long I stood


PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 7/17/2009 6:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Dani,
Please don't take this wrong but your initial response had me ROFL and I absolutely think you should use it! Telling someone to "go roll over and pretend like time has stopped" will at least get them to stop! I'm not sure about the poke, though. Is it real or virtual? :-)

I'm sorry. We get asked these things so many times that a unique response is hard to come up with on the spot. I loved yours!

Perhaps before you use it you should get others' opinions and not just mine?

Oh, I hope you don't take this wrong!

PaLady

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2283
   Posted 7/17/2009 7:16 PM (GMT -7)   
I think any response that helps you get through the day is the right one.

When I'm feeling more generous, I will tell people that chronic pain is not the same as acute pain. I can deal better with a sharp pain like a broken bone than with having a constant headache that never goes away & there is never any hope of it going away. The second kind of pain is chronic pain & it tries to suck the life out of one's soul. I do not always get to do all the things I want to do, I do not even get to do all the things I need to do (hence, the term "disability"), but I have to try to manage what little strength & energy I do have to do a few things that bring a bit of joy to my life. I'm all for trying to work enough to support myself & to give back to this world as much as I can, but when I never take a moment to do anything enjoyable, in spite of how it may take away from work or personal care activities, I find my soul consumed by depression & that only makes doing anything at all that much more difficult.

When I'm not feeling so generous, I say something snide back like "I guess I'm just a stronger person that you." ;)

Fortunately, I've been able to surround myself by mostly nice people who don't say such stupid things. But that's not to say that they don't at times still go out of their way to seek me out. Honestly, if they have time to worry about how I can have a shred of joy or dignity in my life, they obviously aren't keeping busy enough themselves. :)

keep fishin' & don't let the evil nay-sayers get you down.

hugs,
Frances
Moderator -- Depression Forum


jujub
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Mar 2003
Total Posts : 10392
   Posted 7/17/2009 7:19 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, I'm just visiting from the UC board. I have had chronic serious joint pain since 1987, and some days it is hard to do anything. But when people ask me this, I usually say "Well, my other choice is to do nothing for the rest of my life, just sit around and think about how bad I hurt. I'd rather distract myself by doing something."


Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9622
   Posted 7/17/2009 7:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Well, as I'm having an off moment I think I'd say:

"Imagine going up in a plane and coming back down and your ears don't pop and
the pressure keeps building up...having that pain every moment of the day"

It might give them something to think about..and as my ears have yet to pop, I can say
I'm living proof airplane travel hurts......

What you suggested sounds cool too, and I agree with the others on that or
maybe just ignoring this person...

Your humour is good and interesting keep it coming...

HUGZ
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Dani))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
**********************************************
* Asthma, Allergies, Osteoarthritis, Spinal Stenosis, Degenative Disc, Fibromyalgia, Gerd,
Enlarged Pituitary Gland, Sjogren's and Ocular Migraines

********>^..^<********>^..^<********>^..^<********


MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 7/17/2009 7:54 PM (GMT -7)   
There are things you have to do to keep your sanity in the face of unrelenting pain.
Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease:_All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.

I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586

All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.

The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life?  Has your life brought joy to others?

Make sure your suffering has meaning…


Jim1969
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 7/17/2009 8:28 PM (GMT -7)   
[quote]"How can you walk with chronic pain?"


I don't. I just do the hokey pokey and hope I don't turn myself inside out.

[quote]"Fishing with chronic pain?"

Simple. I cast and groan...cast and groan.

[quote]"How can you go on vacation with pain?"

I have my travel agent book an extra seat for my constant companion.

[quote]"How can you be a mom with pain?"

It's easy, but I don't have time to draw it in crayon for you right now.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.


anice
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 536
   Posted 7/17/2009 9:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Dani, As I read your post and everyones responses, I nodded my head. Frances, when I read yours, I had tears rolling down my face. I understand...

I don't know how to respond to these questions. I don't know how to respond to the one about, "Well, you had surgery. You still hurt?" And all the other insensitive remarks we all hear on a day to day basis. It all boils down to the fact that the people who don't walk in our shoes have no clue what our everyday life is like. What any of us would not give to not have to spend day after day like this!!!
Anice

Jim1969
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 7/17/2009 9:18 PM (GMT -7)   
A couple of years ago I was in the hospital with a MASSIVE sinus infection. I don't know what hurt worse. My head or my back. It was all I could do to make it the 4 hours in between pain shots. At one point I had a nurse actually say to me:

"If you are hurting as bad as you say you are how can you be making jokes."

I looked her straight in the eyes and told her it was either me cracking jokes or cracking heads...which would she prefer.

My general philosophy, as you can see by my previous post in this subject, is when confronted by a dumb azz the best way to handle it is to be a smart azz.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.


PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 7/17/2009 10:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Jim,
My problem is I can never think of the creative quips at the time. An hour later, maybe, but how I wish I could say something that made the other person just stop in their shoes and think. And it doesn't even have to make sense to them. Just make them walk away shaking their head trying to figure it out. There might be just a tad of satisfaction in that.

Some people can come up with these answers in real time. I'm just not one of them.

PaLady

ladywriter
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 112
   Posted 7/17/2009 11:05 PM (GMT -7)   
I don't have a magic answer. I (usually) patiently explain that I'm in pain no matter what I do, so I may as well be out doing something rather than staying at home with less to distract me and where it's easier to focus on the pain. For the idiots who don't understand that, I tell them to imagine they have an ice pick sticking through their skull or spine. That is usually sufficient to shut them up.

Unless you've been through it, it's easy to dismiss it in others and just think they're being hypochondriacs. When it comes down to it, once I've made the effort to explain my CP to someone, if they still don't get it, then that's their problem, not mine, and I try not to give it a second thought. I really can't afford to harbor resentments towards anyone. I just try to ignore it if it gets to that point. Fortunately for me, it rarely does. I try not to spend time around people who lack compassion. I know, easier said than done. But I try.
Rheumatoid Arthritis, Chronic Pain, Chronic Major Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Schizoaffective Disorder, Recovered Alcoholic w/15 years Continuous Sobriety


Mrs. Dani
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 2787
   Posted 7/18/2009 12:06 AM (GMT -7)   
 
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Poke is optional im thinkin HAHAH
Just stonger!! Francess! Hahahaha devil
Oh my gosh my sides hurt you guys!
HAHAHA Cast and graon!!! WORSE I use bobbers! HAHAHAHAh
 
You guys are awesome!
*BIG HUGGS*
 
      Though, seriously hehe, Francess!  devil   HAHA!Not supposed to say that out loud LOL!!!
 
   You guys do have a point. It isnt really fair of me to think someone just "understand" I think I will stick to trying to patiently to explain.. but without any expectations of understanding. Right thou, I mean I wouldnt expect one of those run way models to build a rocket and no a scientist to sell the latest Fall Fashion. Hopefully someday I wont feel so sensative in my heart about it.
 
  devil Ice pick in the spine!! Hit nail on the head!! Oh my gosh!! HAHAHAH Scare the pants right off em!!
 
 
*WARM HUGGS*
dani
 
hahahah!!!
 
 
 
 
 
 
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,  
And sorry I could not travel both  
And be one traveler, long I stood


fatherjohn
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 999
   Posted 7/18/2009 12:46 AM (GMT -7)   
How can you go fishing while in chronic pain? not a problem, I don't think the fish care one way or the other.

Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9622
   Posted 7/18/2009 8:33 AM (GMT -7)   
How can you go fishing while in chronic pain? well I usually scare the fish so bad they just jump in the boat...
**********************************************
* Asthma, Allergies, Osteoarthritis, Spinal Stenosis, Degenative Disc, Fibromyalgia, Gerd,
Enlarged Pituitary Gland, Sjogren's and Ocular Migraines

********>^..^<********>^..^<********>^..^<********


LLPLUV
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1158
   Posted 7/18/2009 9:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Most the time I get the comment of "If you hurt so bad why are you doing ______?"

My saying has and always will be, "I will hurt if I do or don't do it." That all I say.

Laurie
Kidney Diseases and Disorders
              Moderator
 
39 yr young female with,
Chronic Kidney Stones, PKD (Polycystic Kidney Disease), Chronic Kidney Failure, Severe Hypertension, Urological RSD

Also CHF (Congestive Heart Failure) and Sleep Apnea

Hopefully NO MORE........ I think I have it all


anice
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 536
   Posted 7/18/2009 11:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Dani, You sure started a good thread. People tend to just say what they thing without even considering how it sounds or how it will affect the person.

I just got off the phone with my best friend. I was talking to her about being upset about the going back to work situation. She said she didn't know why I was upset. She said that if infact I am off for the full 6 months the doctor spoke about, "well that is half a year! Be happy. I would love to be off work that long". This is my best friend. She knows me inside out. We've been friends 13 yrs. And for her to say that, it just hurt. And no, if she were in my situation, she wouldn't just love it. I haven't enjoyed one full day in so long! I am not good at responding to comments like these. I told her that it is how I feel and I can't help it.

Living with chronic pain is not pleasant of easy. And b/c we aren't "working" doesn't mean we are at home eating bon bons all day having a blast. People just have no clue what a day with this pain is like. I think if they lived it for a day, they would change their attitude about all the insensitive comments that they make!
Anice

WhiteChocChip
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 439
   Posted 7/18/2009 12:15 PM (GMT -7)   
"How can you walk with chronic pain?"
"Fishing with chronic pain?"
"How can you go on vacation with pain?"
"How can you be a mom with pain?"
 
All of these questions can be answered with the phrase, "Very carefully" or "Same way you do it without pain ... it's just a little more difficult".
 
Or you could get really sarcastic and describe the process in minute detail a la, "Well, you see, first I get in the car, then I go to the airport, then I wait for my flight, then I get on the plane ..."  or "I like to walk by putting my left foot in front of my right foot, then my right foot in front of my left, then I just keep doing that until I get where I need to go."
 
You can also suggest some ridiculous solution, a la "Once they find a way to replace my brain with a robot so I don't need rest, then  I won't have to take vacations!"
 
You're just lucky you're not Jonah ... otherwise you would really have a difficult time fishing.

White Beard
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3611
   Posted 7/18/2009 1:55 PM (GMT -7)   
MY wife would often ask me questions like that! But very accusatory! I would often ask her how should I act?, what should I do? Should I roll up in a ball and cry? Should I stay home and sit in my recliner all day long and just let the world pass by? I often feel like doing that, but I don't! At least not all the time ! If I am doing something and all of a sudden I cringe, she would say, now don't tell me leaning over folding cloths hurts you? Yes sometimes it does, Sometimes allot of things hurt to do them, but what are you suppose to do? Not do them? Give up everything? What?

I am not that way with everyone, But really how do you answer questions like that? Especially if they are accusatory, like they don't believe you ar in pain. Dani I don't have an answer, I guess so much depends on the mood your in when the question is asked! I guess this was not a good day for me to try and answer this thread!

White Beard
Moderator Chronic Pain
 
I'm Retired USAF, went back to school and became an RN, and now am on full disalbility!--Degenerative Disc (affecting mostly the thorasic disc but all levels involved), C6/7 laminectomy/diskectomy& fusion, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!) Medications: Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV


bluejet2
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 487
   Posted 7/18/2009 2:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Dani:

I don't think I can add much to these wonderful responses, but I have to wonder if a "so-called friend" asked me sarcastic questions like that if they were really a friend at all!

At least you know you have true friends here that care about you with no judgements!

Lorie

uniquelyme
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1037
   Posted 7/18/2009 3:42 PM (GMT -7)   
 
 
idea   I know when I get out of my car, in the handicapped space, I always get That Look.... you know what I am talking about....I know they're thinking...."Oh, I bet she's handicapped!!" or "If she can drive she doesn't need that parking sticker thingy." and "She's too young to be handicapped."  and my personal favorite...."She's using her grandmas car."
 
What they don't see is that when I am at home, standing at the sink, trying to do the dishes, that I have to stop and lean on the sink every 2 or 3 min.  and that I can't do housework, sit for long periods of time, stand for long periods of time, get in and out of the tub on my own, go up the stairs without stopping, sleep through the night without agonizing, jump up out of bed (I have to roll and crawl), walk for more then a few feet without my back sending me spasm signals, or go ONE STINKIN DAY without pain....
 
What they DO SEE is me walking 20 feet from the car to the store, get a buggy, and have to lean on it the entire time I am trying to shop.  I would never wish my pain on anyone....but, maybe for 10 minutes just so people would understand what I (we) go through.  No, never mind....it wouldn't matter anyway.
 
Have a good day,
Me/;

 I hate Boats!!!!
 
Post Lamenectomy Syndrome, Spinal Stenosis, DDD....
1999 Hemi Lamenectomy/2005 Spinal Fusion(L4-S1)
Methadone 120 mg. a day/15 mg. Oxycodone as needed(up to 4 x a day)
High Blood Pressure: Lisinopril HCTZ 10 mg. daily
Type 2 Diabetes: (March 16, 2009)
Metformin HCL ER 1000 mg. at night..Glipizide 10mg. 2X in the morning
Lantus 35 units at bedtime with Solostar Pen                                                                   

 


Mrs. Dani
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 2787
   Posted 7/18/2009 5:06 PM (GMT -7)   

 

:-)    Gosh, you guys make my heart smile!  :-)

*Huggs*

dani


TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,  
And sorry I could not travel both  
And be one traveler, long I stood

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