Q: How do two psychiatrists greet each other?A: You are fine. How am I?
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?A: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?A: They take the psycho path.
Three men died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the first man who he was. "My name is Dr. Jones. I pioneered and developed the techniques for open heart surgery. Because of my work on earth, thousands of people all around the world have lived longer, healthier lives. Surely there is a place for me in heaven."
"Yes," Peter said, "come on in."
The second man approached and said, "St. Peter, my name is Dr. Smith. I pioneered and developed techniques for premature babies. Today there are thousands of children in the world whose lives were saved at birth because of my work. Surely there is a place for me in heaven."
"Yes, come on in," said Peter.
St. Peter asked the third man who he was. "My name is Mr. Johnson. I originated and developed the idea for HMOs. Because of my ideas on managed care and the efficiencies I developed, billions of dollars have been saved in the health care industry. Surely there is a place for me in heaven."
"Yes," said Peter, "come on in. But you can only stay three days."
Post Edited (fatherjohn) : 7/30/2009 7:40:01 PM (GMT-6)
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?""I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
A man and a wife enter a dentist's office. The wife says," I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or novacaine because I am in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You are a brave woman." says the Dentist, " which tooth is it?"
The wife turns to her husband and says," open your mouth and show the Dentist which tooth it is, dear."
"...Women complain about pre menstral syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor. "Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this. "Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?" "I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought. "What would happen if I poked out the other eye?" "I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that he had just gotten his freedom. The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files. When Patty got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?" <"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?" "I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed. But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."
A short history of medicine:I have an earache.2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.