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Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2280
   Posted 8/12/2009 9:04 PM (GMT -7)   
please stop posting. i wish i'd never posted this. i've asked mods to take it down, but they haven't gotten around to it yet.
Moderator -- Depression Forum

Post Edited (Frances_2008) : 8/16/2009 1:15:42 PM (GMT-6)


anice
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 536
   Posted 8/12/2009 9:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Frances, I do understand completely. I have the same problem. It seems everyone wants to know how I'm doing. And every time, I say, the same. It is frusterating for me too. I know where you're coming from with this. But I don't know what the answer is. I wish I knew myself. I try to walk right too. So much is focused on how you walk. I know the way I was treated before I had my surgery at work. And you are right, it was every day people would ask about it. I tried to not make a big deal about it. I tried to think they were just concerned and really did care. I still think that. But I do know how you feel about it. I know the same thing will happen when I go back to work. It will be the same everyday. I know this. And I don't always know what to say...We all just do the best we can do. We try. We keep going. And we always wish things were different. And we weren't faced with any of this chronic pain each and every day...Sorry, I didn't help you. But I really do completely understand this. And I do feel for you. You hang in there. And keep on keeping on. You'll make it-one small step at a time. We all will.
Anice

Splashdancer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 927
   Posted 8/12/2009 9:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Frances, I always try to approach pain, hard times, awkward situations, etc. with humor/sarcasm, so please don't think I am trying to make light of your problem/question by my response. I understand what you're saying and I am very sorry it is so upsetting to you - I don't blame you, I'm sure I would feel the same way. That being said, here is the first thing that popped into my head when I read your post. The next time one of these people do this, proceed to tell them in detail how you're feeling/what's wrong - using all the medical terminology you can think of - you know, so they can't really make heads or tails what you're saying!  smhair    They might just think twice about asking/commenting on your medical condition again!
 
Again, I am not trying to make light of this - I can see how upsetting this is to you. People can be very thoughtless and others are just plain irritating!

Chutz
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 9090
   Posted 8/12/2009 11:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Frances!

Wow, I've not encountered such rudeness but it does sound like these people need more work to do or at least to get a life! You might pick up some brochures from a local nursing home and when they ask tell them you're fine but since they are fixated on people who are morbidly ill or down with horrid medical conditions that they might call and volunteer to come in daily to chat with the patients there. Since you don't need their concern and it's none of their business, they can put their busy-body noses to some good work...lol

Chutz
Play fair. Don't hit people. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
~Robert Fulghum

(\o/)Co-Moderator Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Forums
(/|\)


PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 8/13/2009 12:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Frances,
I kind of like Chutz's idea! I know it's not easy. I don't have to be in a work situation, although the few people I do see are always asking questions, too. But with me my discomfort is generally not that obvious unless I am around someone long enough for my pain meds to wear off. I can mask well for short periods of time. So for me it's more that I get the "but you don't look sick/in pain, etc." questions. I mean, how can you have all these problems and not have them show?

I'm off the track and off your issues and I apologize. I'm exhausted. But I thought about the medical terminology thing and what if you just started making stuff up. I mean give each person different symptoms, diagnoses, etc. Have them running their little tushes off fighting over the medical dictionary. And you can come up with new combinations every day! When they start wondering how could all this be, how could it change so fast, so often, you could just smile. Think they may get the point and move on - to volunteer at the nursing home? ;-)

Tell them you have a meeting with your "death panel" coming up and you want suggestions. (borrowing from today's news)

I don't mean to be flippant in regard to your feelings; quite the opposite. More flippant in regard to THEIRS.

Hugs,

PaLady

Centurion45
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 8/13/2009 5:57 AM (GMT -7)   
My favorite answer to how I am doing is,

"Fine, under the circumstances! Sorry, I have to keep moving, see you later!" and walk away, without a smile or otherwise. Now that is fairly easy, considering the pain levels of the last number of weeks. When the horde, don't see you smile for a awhile, they start asking all kinds of wierd questions, like they care. A few genuinly do, but most are just there for social grace and gossip.

What a bunch!? Hope your doing better, Frances. I try not to let anyone wizz on my attitude or concern me.
25+ Years, Sciatica, Lumbar back pain, Severe Stenosis L3-L4, DDD, Chronic pain - because the acute pain was never treated, Duh!


skeye
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 2976
   Posted 8/13/2009 8:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Frances,

I too hate all the questions! In general, I don't talk about my pain, because I don't like to! In fact, I hate having the subject brought up. It's enough to have to deal with it every day, but to have to answer all the questions, explain everything, and think about it even more... I know that people are trying to help & show that they care, but it just makes me even more frustrated because most people don't understand...

Skeye

PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 8/13/2009 11:34 AM (GMT -7)   
You know this reminds me of how I felt many years ago when my father was dying. When I went to work (I was teaching college at the time) it was my only escape from everything that was going on with my father, my mother, etc. and everytime someone asked how my father was doing, I wanted to scream. Granted, I think most of them were sincerely asking, but I was reminded over and over and over. Had to fight tears so much while trying to do my work.

But it's not quite the same as the busybodies with you, Frances. They really have too much time on their hands, and too much empty space in their heads!

PaLady

Mrs. Dani
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 2787
   Posted 8/13/2009 6:05 PM (GMT -7)   
 
 
   Dear Francess,
 
     Good evening *huggs* I am sorry the people around you are getting weird. I have the same thing right now. Gosh it is frustraiting. Honestly, I think if one more person see me, and begins to cry imma pull my hair out. Im on the verge of tears for days now. I just *wish* people could think before they speak. smhair   For some reason , social acquaintances, for almost a week keep starting up "Life lesson" speaches with "atleast". I dont know why it bothers me. I don't mind finding a silver lining with those I care about.. But I dont need folks I barly know crying all over me and telling "atleast" everyother word... compairing my life with that of imaginary someone who is "worse off" somehow?   Sheesh. What we need is an ultimate "Mute" button.
 
*huggs*
   dani
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,  
And sorry I could not travel both  
And be one traveler, long I stood


White Beard
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3610
   Posted 8/13/2009 6:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Frances
The only thing I can tell you is: It is just the way people are! You and all the rest of us, might not like it but I dare say we sure can't change it either!. There are rude obnoxious people everywhere, and short of lowering your self down to their level and being rude back to them, there is really very little you can do about it! I guess it is just one of those things, that one just has to put up with, like they told us in the military " Grin an Bare it!" If nothing else kill them with kindness and Thank them for all their concern! Maybe one day they will get tired of asking how you are, or who knows they might even have a epiphany and actually come to realize what a pain they really are being!
Wishing you only the very very best!

White Beard
Moderator Chronic Pain
 
I'm Retired USAF, went back to school and became an RN, and now am on full disalbility!--Degenerative Disc (affecting mostly the thorasic disc but all levels involved), C6/7 laminectomy/diskectomy& fusion, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!) Medications: Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV


White Beard
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3610
   Posted 8/13/2009 9:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Frances
 
Please!  Please! Don't hide from them and eat alone, that seems to be the easy way, but by doing that you are isolating yourself, and that ( please believe me) is not the thing you want to do! When we have Chronic Pain we all tend to want to do that, and the more we isolate ourselves the more alone an isolated we become. Then all of a sudden one day you will find yourself really alone. It all starts off so  innocent and benign, and the next thing you know, ......well you really don't want to be there.  You know I really don't know if you need to become a stronger person, I have seen your post, and you do seem to have  allot of inner strength! At least I think so anyway!  Maybe you need to look at yourself and even get help if you think you need it, and try to find what it is about these people and their questions and comments that really bothers you so much!  and why!, and then try to address and problem solve  that. I don't know maybe you already have?  Anyway it is  just a thought!  Anyway I just don't think you should do the  isolation and avoidance  thing,  I have done that, and it was a terrible mistake!
 
I do hope you get it all figured out and resolved!
 
White Beard
Moderator Chronic Pain
 
I'm Retired USAF, went back to school and became an RN, and now am on full disalbility!--Degenerative Disc (affecting mostly the thorasic disc but all levels involved), C6/7 laminectomy/diskectomy& fusion, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!) Medications: Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV


fatherjohn
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 999
   Posted 8/13/2009 10:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Frances, I too am sorry that you are dealing with the lack of true compassion from other people. At the same time, we have to be careful not to expect too much out of others sometimes. I believe out society is partly to blame and some people simply don't know how to deal with people with disabilities. Disabilities make some people very uncomfortable to be around. I remember being in a wheel chair shopping with my family. I wheeled up to something, stood up and reached for something and a woman looked at me like what was I doing. I just laughed and kept wheeling.
 
We can waste a long time trying to change others but it is always easier to change ourselves. That does not mean we should not educate people about disabilities but be careful how much power you give people over you by their comments and even insensitivity. I am a person with a disability not a disability with a person. Keep facing the people, you never know which one could end up being someone who could really care. Blessings!

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2280
   Posted 8/14/2009 7:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Sorry for bothering people with this. I guess it is all on me for being such a pathetic, weak, horrible person. I feel so very ashamed.

CP Mods, please delete this entire thread.

Thank you! :)
Moderator -- Depression Forum


golitho
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 1670
   Posted 8/14/2009 8:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Francis, how can you say that about yourself. You're a wonderfully stong, resilient, caring, loving person who has just had a gutfull of the pseudo "caring " people in your workplace!!! I hate the superficial caring of some of my workmates and I can totally relate to them getting you down. I do the smile and fine thanks replies because I'm so totally over explaining anything, especially when I'm not even sure if they really care. They don't seem sincere and I'm sure that is whats bothering you too. If they were caring you can tell instantly! Please don't run yourself down. Be proud of how you're coping. Vent away. I can relate! Golitho

Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9622
   Posted 8/16/2009 11:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Frances,
First off, lots and lots of soft hugz coming your way, now,
next time they come around you, get them all together if possible and say out loud
"When you get tired of looking up my problems, maybe you should apply to medical school!"
or ask "Hey, Doc, I need your opinion"
might get them to stop and think...
I agree with WhiteBeard, don't let these few rude people take your life away from you, and don't hide...
Geezee y'all are to nice for this to be happening to you...
Maybe deep down these folks care, but don't know what else to do..
Lots of soft hugz to you..
Please keep us posted...
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Frances))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
**********************************************
* Asthma, Allergies, Osteoarthritis, Spinal Stenosis, Degenative Disc, Fibromyalgia, Gerd,
Enlarged Pituitary Gland, Sjogren's and Ocular Migraines

********>^..^<********>^..^<********>^..^<********

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