I haven't been posting much lately but reading posts everyday! When I read your post on PA's page I just had to send my thoughts and prayers your way! You will get through this and I hope knowing we are all here with our support and love helps keep you positive and hopeful! We are here for you!!
To PALady and all my dear family here at this CP Forum
Your Love and caring compassion brings tears to my eyes! It has been a rough few days or weeks for me! As you all know I am going through a divorce, I was hoping an praying that it would be on a at least civil if not friendly basis. I guess I am abit naive about these type of things! This is all new to me, I have been married over 34 years, and this was not something I wanted, to do, I filed for the divorce, and at the advice of my lawyer I file on the grounds of mental cruelty. And I filed back in late January. My wife and I still remained in the same house, she moved up stairs, ( neither one of us I thought could afford to move out and maintain two residences, I know I could not!) During that time we split all the bills and payments we had. And since I know she would get up to half my military retirement, in the divorce, ( that is cut and dried and I have no say about it) I voluntarily was giving her that each month. ( She has a full time job, and her own medical coverage, I have my military retirement and VA disability and my SSD, and I get a small monthy amount from a private disability insurance. I also have medicare and Tricare for medical) Anyway my income is fixed and of course she has a good secure job with many chances of advancement. In June she got a place of her own in town ( we have a house at a small private lake association out in the country, although we are not right on the water) Cost are allot higher out here, even the electricity, as it is from a rural co-op, and the association fees and dues and all that. Well now that she has moved into town she does not feel that she should have to pay for any of the fees or up keep of the house. We always shared in doing everything I would mow the grass using the rider mower, and she would do all the hand mowing and trimming and edging, as I can not do that. The same with the house work, I would vacuum and dust and she would do the scrubbing of the floors in the kitchen and bathroom, I can't do that type of thing. She would work everyday, and I used to get up and make her, her lunch that she could take to work with her, I would also have supper ready for us when she came home, ( I am a pretty good cook, if I may honk my horn a bit!) and I would have the wash all done, although she would often have to help fold the cloths, as I have a hard time leaning forward to do that! When she moved out ( and she moved out on my birthday and it was ugly as I had previously posted) she said she would still help maintain the outside and do the yard work. And she would pay her half of the mortgage, and the joint loans and the association dues. Then she sends me a E-mail saying and I quote: "I will not be available to help with the lawn" she wrote nothig else, no explanation or anything, and then a few days later she tells me that she does not feel she should have to pay any thing on the mortage or anything on the house! Even though she is co-owner and and will get half of everything when the house sells. She claims I could of been the one to move out, but how could I do that? How could I pay for another place to live and still pay my share on our house and everything? She on the other hand did not even descuss with me that she was planning on moving out or anything! Just a few days before she moved, she let me know. (Well sure I now know I could have moved out if I was going to do it the way she did!) The first of July I quit giving her half of my retirement. My Lawyer said he could not understand why I was even doing that? Well it was because I care, and I thought it was the right thing to do! I have always, just wanted to do the right thing! When dividing up our stuff, I again have been to my regret maybe to generous, and she has taken advantage of it, and that hurts! I know that it is my own fault when it come to that but I have never been in a position such as this, and as I said I do not want to be enemies with her! Honestly I just could nolonger stand living in our marriage the way it has been! I tried to save our marriage and gave her every opportunity to also try and she would not!
Anyway, this past Friday we went ot court for the first time, I was sworn in and my Lawyer asked me a serries of questions, to establish the grounds for the divorce, afterward my wifes lawyer had to opportunity to ask me questions, as did the judge, they both declined to ask anything. It was very nerve racking as this was a first for me, I have never even had jury duty before and I had never been in a court room. Afterwards my lawyer and I and my wife and her lawyer, met together in a side office to try and get everything ironed out. My lawyer is to send her lawyer another proposal, and if they don't accept then we will contest it all and try and even get alimony from her. I am sure it won't happen but if they won't be reasonable then what else can we do? I have and continue to be, more than gererous, and I am the one that is losing, and I did not do anything wrong! That really does eat at me, and it Hurts! Anyway later on that evening my wife unexpectedly came over with her friend and right out in the back yard started yelling at me and saying I perjured myself in court and how I should be ashamed of myself and she really made a scene. I asked her how and what I did that was perjury and she did not answer me! I finally had to ask her to leave, then both her and her friend,( her friend is her boss and she also lives out here at the lake) they both started in on me, saying she did not have to leave because she was half owner of the house! This has really upset me, and I have slept little since this happened, and I talked to my lawyer about it, asking if I should get an order of protection or something? He is going to talk to her lawyer about about getting her under control!. I never did find out what she wanted or maybe that was all she wanted just to vent and harrass me? She is the one that left, and she is the one that would not go to counseling or do anything to save the marriage! As I said once before I should have done this ten years ago. I definitely had the opportunity and yet I let it slip by hoping that things would change and our marriage could be saved. What a fool I was! and I can't tell you how much I regret it. And with all this going on, I continue th have increased problems with my back and neck, I have an appointment with a neurosureon the first of September. and even though I don't want to have surgery, I do hope that something can be done.! As I do worry that this will get worse, and I am having allot of problems with my left arm and my neck.
I hate to sound like I am whinning, and this whole thing is very stressfull to me, I am not use to being alone ( physically) I mean my wife and I were like very distant room mates, and when she moved up stairs it was like there was no change in our relationship, she said she was uncomfortable being there since I had filed for the divorce! But for me, there honestly has been no change, this is the way it has been for many years, and other than when she moved up stairs, and we were physically separated at night as in different rooms, there was little else different! Before that time we had a big king bed ( actually two single adjustable beds in king sleigh bed frame) I sleep in a fowlers position, ( sitting up) and she doesn't. So there was no real difference there we were apart physically and emotionally! You know we had to put our dog down, in early 2008, moggie he was my buddy but it was for the best as he was really old and in pain. Anyway after that she did not want another dog or pet, and I relented, so now I don't even have a pet to keep me company. As I said I don't mean to sond like I am whinning, I am sorry if it comes off that way!
PALady and all the rest of my family here, I truely do thank you for your over whelming support and all your posts. PALady I am not upset with you starting this thread, I am glad you did! I can't begin to tell you how much this all means to me! I do wish I could tell you, and explain to you more, about all this, but I just can't! I might have said to much already. This is such a big thing in my life right now, I have told my counselor that this woman that I have spent the last 30 some years with, I do not know her any more!! I know allot of this ( or at least I think, allot of it) has been caused by my chronic pain issues. Or at least I think it was a trigger for some of it!
Anyway I don't want to come off like I am feeling sorry for myself, there are so many of you that have it so much worse than I do! And I really do feel for you and wish that I could help you!
You are all very special to me, You are Family to me!
Thank -You ALL!
Post Edited (White Beard) : 8/16/2009 7:40:58 PM (GMT-6)
My heart goes out to you! Things will get better with time, its a big adjustment going from married to alone in some respects. I was married before and initially I felt like you are describing. once the divorce is final.....from all you've posted it will be a BIG relief and weight off of you. Hang in there!
Till then we are here to listen and help in anyway we can.