Sometimes I gotta wonder......

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Scarred_for_life
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1559
   Posted 8/31/2009 2:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Is this it???  Is this my life??  Am I ever going to get better??  On days like today I have to really look at the big picture and wonder if my life is going to ever get better.  The pain in my legs is just killing me.  Raging at a 9 today just isn't what I call uplifting, if you know what I mean.
 
I hate this feeling too!!  I am usually a very upbeat person and happy, but all the pain is really getting to me.  I'm sure that each of you have these moments.  How do you handle them? 
 
Your friend,
The desperate and in pain Scarred
What doesn't kill us only makes us fight back harder! :P


fatherjohn
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 999
   Posted 8/31/2009 2:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Scared, almost 3 in the morning and no sleep in sight. In order not to lose focus I have to find my significance in other ways and in different places than before. Yes, we probably all ask the big question, is this all there is? The reality might be yes, this is how it is going to be. The difference for me is how I look at it. There are times when the pain and its limiting force is all I can see. I have to chose to focus somewhere else and find something else to do to take the attention off the pain. This is not easy and indeed there are days, or late nights that you can't wait until they are over so a new day can start and possibly something besides pain will be there. Blessings and sorry to see you at this hour but glad to find you.

Scarred_for_life
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1559
   Posted 8/31/2009 3:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you so much FJ! You always seem to find the right words to keep me sane LOL. I'm trying to concentrate on other things to keep my mind from going to that time and place. God willing I shall overcome this once again!

By the way.....I start my life without cigs sometime today. Just opened my last pack and I am sooooooo ready to keep the quit going for a long time!

Hugssssssssssssss

Scarred

P.S. Sorry that you too are not sleeping. I slept for awhile anyway.
What doesn't kill us only makes us fight back harder! :P


Jim1969
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 8/31/2009 4:16 AM (GMT -7)   
I can certainly empathize with you. Those same questions have haunted my thoughts and brought tears to my eyes on many occasions. In the end though I do what I can when I can and try to be grateful for what I can do instead of bitter about what I can't. Not easy by a long shot, but we do what we can.

What makes things hard for me is that I have had this great opportunity to stay home with my toddler son. I quit work when he was 6 weeks old and have been home with him since, but it gets so heart wrenching that I can't do all the things I want to do with him or that he wants me to do. If it was just me I think things would be easier to deal with, but none-the-less I would not give up what I have now if it meant being 110% healthy and 200% pain free.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.


Draka
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 256
   Posted 8/31/2009 9:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Wait... did I write that?

We all feel the same which is why it is a comfort to come here.....

One of my very good girlfriends just told me she was waiting for the old me to come back.... that really hurt my feelings.....

Best luck on stopping smoking!
Lisa


Gretchen1
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 3459
   Posted 8/31/2009 10:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Ooooh Lisa!  OUCH!  That was a very hurtful thing to say.  I think a lot of this is redefining ourselves and being ok with the new us we become.  Thank God for those canine buddies that never seem to notice changes like weight gain, or long naps, or limited abilities.  They just want lovies and food! 
Gretchen  ~  diagnosed with MS July 2006
 
I have no lesions on my soul and so I will live with no limits.


PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 8/31/2009 12:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Scarred and everyone,
Oh, yes, I can relate. I mean, who here can't? The grieving we have to do seems to never end. Like an onion one layer after another. Sometimes a good cry is what's needed.

Lisa - I think I might say to that friend that part of me is waiting for the "old me" to come back, too, and wishes it could, but then start to explain to her what this feels like to have to come to terms with the fact that won't happen. It might open up a discussion with her about what that would mean to your friendship, because if she can't stay friends with the new, still evolving you (as we are all still evolving each day), then maybe that friendship won't last. But IMHO she needs to know what it feels like from your standpoint, that it's hard for you, too, and that hopefully your friendship can evolve. To hear those words on a regular basis, though, and know you were with someone who was just waiting for you to get better when you're not going to, would be very painful.

Gretchen - I loved your words. Yes, redefining ourselves. Fatherjohn had started a thread on this awhile back. Sometimes it's almost too much to think about.

Thank goodness for this place, where we know others will understand!

Hugs to everyone,

PaLady

uniquelyme
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1037
   Posted 8/31/2009 2:26 PM (GMT -7)   
 
 
OMG!!! I feel that way most days...I mean, what do I have to look forward to?  Being able to walk up the steps without having to lean on the railing?  Not much...But, I want something to look forward to... I really do.... I don't want this to be IT!!!
 
I don't think any of us wants the pain to be our lives...So, how do we make it better?
 
Me.

I have been a spectator for so long..Now it's time to participate.......
 
Post Lamenectomy Syndrome, Spinal Stenosis, DDD....
1999 Hemi Lamenectomy/2005 Spinal Fusion(L4-S1)
Methadone 120 mg. a day/  30 mg. Oxycodone as needed(up to 4 x a day)
High Blood Pressure: Lisinopril HCTZ 10 mg. daily
Type 2 Diabetes: (March 16, 2009)
Metformin HCL ER 1000 mg. at night..Glipizide 10mg. 2X in the morning
Lantus 35 units at bedtime with Solostar Pen                                                                   

 


straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 13481
   Posted 8/31/2009 3:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Scared I do hate to hear you are in such bad shape. It seemed as if there for awhile you were doing somewhat better. The new medication seemed to be helping out some what and you were taking small walks again and even doing some painting. Lets hope this is just a temporary setback. Hugs,
Straydog/Susie
Moderator Chronic Pain
 
crohns disease dx 2002 & small bowel resection, still looking for remission whatever that is, chronic pain 22 yrs, added ulcerative colitis 6-05 to the mix, high blood pressure 28 yrs, aortic heart valve insuffiency, depression, osteoarthritis, osteoporosis lumbar spine, scoliosis lumbar spine, peripheral neuropathy hands & feet, COPD & on oxygen therapy, lupus & decreased circulation in both legs. Several other health issues just not enough room to list it all. Too many surgeries to list and too many medications to list. Currently on 16 different daily medications. Intrathecal pain pump implanted June 05.


LLPLUV
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1158
   Posted 8/31/2009 5:32 PM (GMT -7)   
For about a month I have been working so much I'm finding myself not even looking toward tomorrow only focusing on getting through the day. The pain levels get so high I catch myself thinking, can I take another pill.. hmmm nope can't do not until the 4 hours is over.

I find myself thinking when will the day come that I can sit or stand without the pain. hmmm not happening. But I put a smile on my face and start another day. I thought I was the only one in my world, in my thoughts until Saturday morning. It was my first two days off in a row. I have been working 65 to 72 hours a week. My husband caught onto my thoughts and took me away for the weekend.

Now I find myself thinking again about getting through the day without thinking of tomorrow hoping this crazy cycle will end soon.

So I understand as I think most of us do. This is our life, the hand dealt to us, so lets see how it plays out.

Laurie
Kidney Diseases and Disorders
              Moderator
 
39 yr young female with,
Chronic Kidney Stones, PKD (Polycystic Kidney Disease), Chronic Kidney Failure, Severe Hypertension, Urological RSD

Also CHF (Congestive Heart Failure) and Sleep Apnea

Hopefully NO MORE........


skeye
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 2976
   Posted 8/31/2009 7:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Scarred,

I find myself asking those questions all the time. The other day, in the middle of the night, I was bothered so much by these types of questions that I found a piece of paper & wrote them all down - just to get them out of my head. I was going to rip it up, but I didn't. In fact, it's sitting on top of my dog's crate right next to my bed, with the rest of my meds & things. I don't know why I kept it. I guess it's kind of like having written in my journal. I haven't done that in a few months. Maybe I should start again. It was a good way to get out some of the anger, frustration, fear, and sadness associated with CP.

Skeye

White Beard
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3611
   Posted 8/31/2009 8:36 PM (GMT -7)   

Scarred

You wrote: ("Is this it???  Is this my life??  Am I ever going to get better?? ") How many times have I asked myself these same exact questions? I empathize with you Scarred! I sense the desperation in these questions! I know how I have felt, The hope that there has got  to be more to life than just this pain! The wish that my  life was not this way, the endless waiting  for the day, that I will get better and  I will be my old self again! But yet knowing deep down that, that will never happen! But longing to have the pain ease up for at least,  just a little while and give me a reprieve, that I so desperately want!

 I wish I had some magic words that could give you the answers that I know that you want to these questions.  But alas, I am afraid there is none! I guess if there was,  then none of us would be here at this forum! But know when you are hurting and feel down and ask these questions,  that you are not alone, we are all here with you!  I do hope you get to feeling better soon, and your pain eases up at least a little!

White Beard 


Moderator Chronic Pain
 
I'm Retired USAF, went back to school and became an RN, and now am on full disalbility!--Degenerative Disc (affecting mostly the thorasic disc but all levels involved), C6/7 laminectomy/diskectomy& fusion, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!) Medications: Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV


golitho
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 1670
   Posted 8/31/2009 9:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Scarred so sorry to hear that everything is getting too much. I have real low days where I can really relate and its when you're in them its the hardest to find the motivation to do anything proactive!!! I love to find a beautiful view, usually with water,there's something very restful about waves lapping on the shore, but even rivers have a healing calmness. Sometimes its just the beauty of the world around us that can lift my mind set. If the weather is awful then beautiful music can do it too. But in the meantime we're all here for you, best wishes, golitho

Scarred_for_life
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1559
   Posted 9/1/2009 9:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone. I wanna thank you for the wonderful help and thoughts that you all have offered to me. I figured out what was wrong. For three days I have just been in a funk. Just mad at the world, angry at everything and sad at the same time. Crying at every little thing (I burnt my grilled cheese sandwiches yesterday and all I could do was cry)and being so whiny and kinda mean to hubby. I didn't mean to and I couldn't for the life of me figure out what was wrong. But then yesterday it dawned on me, I had been out of my lexipro for the past three days and ran out of my new new one the other night.

Could it be that these two medications were causing my crankiness??? Well duh!!!! I recalled that I was feeling like I was coming down with a cold or the flu. Dizzy, lightheaded, cranky and moody with a boost of achyness to boot. Duh your going through withdrawls dummy!!!!! Well, I went down to the pharmacy and picked up both meds...they were due anyway three days before and I spaced it.

Now....I'm not one to run out of meds. In fact I am almost compulsive about ensuring that I do not run out. I keep a running list of all my meds and when they are due each month. I also have it tagged on my cell phone, calander in the kitchen and in my purse calendar. But this time I slacked just a bit and BOOM I get caught in a trap with nowhere to run.

LESSON: Keep a running track of your meds and when there due. Don't let this happen to you!!! hehehehe

Hugssss

Scarred

P.S. Today I am much better and feel 75% better.
What doesn't kill us only makes us fight back harder! :P


PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 9/1/2009 10:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Scarred,
It's good you figured out a clear reason. Yep, just running out of the lexipro would do it. I know with many (most?) of us on multiple medications keeping track gets harder and harder. I'm just starting to apply to the pharmaceutical companies for their medication programs for people without insurance. And I'm sorting through all the different programs (there are many!) to see which ones may offer free meds, which are only discount programs, etc. Yesterday I got my application in the mail for my nexium for my Barrett's esophagus (precancerous stuff). Interesting how that has become priority number one. It's also prohibitively expensive; there's no way I could afford it. So cross your fingers they accept me (I meet the income guidelines with my pathetic income) and give me free meds until I get some sort of insurance.

An intersting tidbit. I had to go get a prescription for nexium to attach to the application. I couldn't help noticing how EASY it was to get that versus any pain med. Just called the nurse, got a script for 90 days WITH 3 refills to take me through a year! And then picked it up within a day. Imagine doing that with percocet???? Life could be so much easier....

Sigh.

Anyway, got off track Scarred! I am so glad you're feeling better!

Hugs,

PaLady

LLPLUV
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1158
   Posted 9/2/2009 7:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Scarred......... Yes that was what got ya!!! Been there done that!! and try never to do it again

I'm just glad you figured it out

Laurie
Kidney Diseases and Disorders
              Moderator
 
39 yr young female with,
Chronic Kidney Stones, PKD (Polycystic Kidney Disease), Chronic Kidney Failure, Severe Hypertension, Urological RSD

Also CHF (Congestive Heart Failure) and Sleep Apnea

Hopefully NO MORE........


Scarred_for_life
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1559
   Posted 9/3/2009 4:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Much better now. Its a wonder any of us can recall our meds let alone how much we are on or which one goes with what. The sleepless nights and constant pain has made me quite nutty lately and its a wonder that I don't forget my meds more often LOL.

Hugssss

Scarred
What doesn't kill us only makes us fight back harder! :P

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