I understand so much how you feel. When I stopped working I began to beat myself up, I found myself becoming bitter. I had worked since I was 14, now all of a sudden I was totally dependent on someone. In my book everything was out of control with no job I had too much time on my hands. The pain level was severe, I applied for SSD and had a 60-90 day wait to find out if I was eligible. I couldn't do household chores that so desperately needed to be done. I tried to spare my husband by not sharing how I felt. I put on a brave face and created a bad situation for myself and family. My favorite words were I'm having a bad day which over time became very annoying to everyone. When they offered help I declined. To me admitting I needed help further proved what a failure I was. I didn't realize this right away but by putting on a happy face was very self destructive. My husband began to withdraw and would make comments that hurt deep to my core. Many months ago Fatherjohn started a post of how CP has affected our relationships. I posted and it was a very healing moment for me! The responses from all of my friends here gave me the strength to have a conversation with my husband that turned our relationship back to the way it was before the fusion surgery. My husband was very frustrated because he couldn't fix me, my children felt the same. By not letting them know how I truly felt and how much pain I was in made them feel helpless to do anything for me. They all wanted to be there for me and by my actions I shut them out.
The best advice I can give is DO NOT hide your feelings from your husband! Let him know your frustration, let him comfort you! My husband told me he never ever felt angry over the financial loss when I stopped working. He was angry because of what happened to me....had I not held back my feelings I feel things would have been different and saved lots of emotional torture for us. Then again I am a believer that everything happens for a reason! At the present time my husbands business is failing but what he is doing is finding odd jobs to keep us going. I get pangs of guilt but I am on SSD so I am contributing. Since we had our BIG turn around talk, he helps me clean, cooks, does wash and many things that I was afraid to ask for help with.
Don't do what I did by putting on a brave face...you are hurting physically and emotionally, let your husband know you need him....in the end thats what we all want is to be needed!!