Hello...I don't know how to start. Okay, Even though I take Methadone and Oxycodone among other meds for other conditions, I feel so low lately... I mean LOW. I haven't felt this bad in a long time. Not only feeling low but have no energy....none at all. I know, it sounds like depression. But since I was told I was Bipolar I don't have the depressive moods.... I have the manic ones...I haven't even had those.
I don't want to do anything. Usually when I take the methadone it gives me energy....not now. It feels like I'm not even taking it. And that scares me. What if it's not working anymore? I already tried Morphine and that was a downer... I don't want to get out of bed, if my back and knee didn't hurt so bad I would stay in bed all the time. But I can't.... I don't even want to go shopping....and that's not me at all....
I have been having issues with my "so-called, maybe ex-boyfriend" recently....I haven't talked to him since Saturday.... we were supposed to go out on Saturday....when he asked me what I wanted to do I said "I don't care" then he said "what can you afford".... HUH? He hasn't had a real job in about a year and I understand he doesn't have moolah,but come on....I haven't worked in like 8 years!!!! Why did he have to say that? Then, we were supposed to hook up about 4:00 that day and I didn't hear from him by 5 pm so I left and went out on my own...and before that he was supposed to go to Buzzfest (concert with 6 bands outside) which I bought the tickets already....then the day before the concert he bailed... He has done that before with a trip to the casino...which I also paid for....
And of course I have issues with the son....but he is doing soooooo much better now... and issues with my mother...me and son live with her in her brand new house....we live upstairs....but I hate her holding the money card over my head.... She pays for everything... I get foodstamps (378.00) and I have insurance for me and son...so I contribute what I can.... My car is junk...it won't start and the tranny is out. I need a new one but she says NO...
Can't work, Boyfriend sux, mom is a control freak, what else? Oh yes, I have many health issues including the CP which controls my life... If I'm not thinking about the pain I'm thinking about the pain meds.... OMG!!!
Sorry, I haven't ranted in a while... I don't know what to do....I am at the end of my rope and I am tired of acting like everything's peachy keen.... I need help....
I have been a spectator for so long..Now it's time to participate.......
Post Lamenectomy Syndrome, Spinal Stenosis, DDD....
1999 Hemi Lamenectomy/2005 Spinal Fusion(L4-S1)
Methadone 120 mg. a day/ 30 mg. Oxycodone as needed(up to 4 x a day)
High Blood Pressure: Lisinopril HCTZ 10 mg. daily
Type 2 Diabetes: (March 16, 2009)
Metformin HCL ER 1000 mg. at night..Glipizide 10mg. 2X in the morning
Lantus 35 units at bedtime with Solostar Pen
I am sorry you are having such a hard time rightnow. I wish I knew what to tell you that would perk you up.
I am very glad to hear your son is doing so much better. I remember you were having quite a time there for a while. That is one good point you have in your life right now is that he is doing well.
You stated you are not sure if the Methadone is working or not. Well, if its not working I would think your pain would be off the scale so, it must be doing something right?
Next statement may offend you and thats not the intention but I am a mother. You seem to be the one paying out the dough for you and the boyfriend. Well, ok, his job siutation may not be good, but are you not living on a limited income too? Your situation is a far cry from his, it sounds like you would probably would have more money if you got rid of him. you deserve someone that is good to you, not someone taking you for your money.
If your Mother is aware of this situation it may not set well with her. What is the money card your Mom is holding over your head? Can you get SSD for yourself and son?
Maybe its time to live out on your own who knows. Its always hard when two families live together. I would not be too critical if she is letting you live there rent free honey, there is a downside to it.
Sending you a big hug.
Good evening. I do hope you are able to find atleast a little rest tonight... Though I fear you will not.
My heart aches when I read your post. I am so terribly sorry that everything seems to be a viscious cycle right now. Though I know nothing and little of your relationship with your BF, I do hope you two will be able to sit and talk about your future planns together. Not just going out for an evening, but life planns. I was very sad and pushing my husband away one day last week... I went to my computer and there was the most heart warming email from him. I wont go into to much, but, perhaps, if communication is not working via telephone... maybe a letter or email would might be a good way to communicate your feelings and needs? Perhaps, it will be an outlet for him too?
Post Edited (debbieferk) : 9/19/2009 9:33:52 PM (GMT-6)
Hey everybody...today I am feeling better but only because I am getting a new car in the morning....I have been driving this crappy old Cavalier, that won't start, has transmission problems, and a long list of other troubles for about 5 years...Now, finally, after griping about it for a long time...my mom (who pays the bills) is getting me a 2003 Land Rover SUV!!! My tage are up for renewal this month and she asked me if I wanted to look at cars today....So, we went and I found this SUV and fell in love. So, we are off to the bank in the am, then to the dealer to buy my car.... I know, I know...I am 42 years old so why bam I getting excited about a used SUV? I have never had a nice vehicle....ever...so I am very happy..
But, as far as feeling down...still feeling down. I am sweating so bad and there really isn't a reason. Right now, I am just sitting in the LR and I am sweating like I've been running a marathon...oh well.
Maybe things will get better. The BF is still a jerk...but I don't consider him my BF...not anymore. I don't know what he thinks.
He is still acting the same...I just hate that he thinks he knows everything...NOT... Oh well, that's for another time.
Gotta get some sleep, gotta get up early to get my new vehicle...
Me. THanks to everyone for caring...Everytime I have a problem you are always there for me...Thanks
Thanks, I cannot wait and I only have a few more hours to go....
Yep, having CP kinda defines us unfortunatley...we try not to let it but it always creeps up on us.. The "new"car is actually a 2003 Land Rover Freelander S...it's an SUV and I do love it.... It's my birthday, gotta a new car....not really my b-day...
I don't know why I feel so bad...I hate it...really hate it. It destroys me every day...I think I'm feling better then BAM!!! Even the new car isn't getting through the fog of depression...
Maybe when I go to the PM Doc on Wed. he can help me...i think the Oxycodone isn't helping anymore for the BT pain....I even get really bad headaches now...isn't Oxycodone supposed to get rid of headaches?
Anyway, here i sit...in a fog of depression with no way out of it...what do I do now? Isn't knowing what's wrong supposed to make it easier to get out of it?