Helpful ideas on slowing down, anyone?

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Chutz
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 9090
   Posted 10/10/2009 1:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi all....

Does this sound like anyone else's life??? Up in the morning and there's isn't much planned so I can finally get a few things done. Tidy up the house a bit, get the dishwasher running and pop in a load of clothes. That's maybe an hour or so. I have it all planned out...even had a weekly work sheet printed up. Make a cup of coffee...the phone rings. Need to help one of the kids or grandkids with information, arrange a ride for someone or just listen to daughter complain for as long as I can stand it...then make up some excuse to get off the phone. OK, there went my hour or so. Oops, forgot to make the bed, forgot some of my morning medications, need to get a letter out to the mail box. Another hour is gone. Pain level is rising rapidly so have to sit for a bit and fall asleep in my chair for a half hour. Jeez...it's noon already and nothing done! grrrr

Best have some lunch and I swear I'm going to leave any other clutter so I can get some of the quilting done. Those babies will be in kindergarten before they get their baby blankets...lol There goes the phone again! Littlest grandson wants to come and stay at grandma's house. I can barely take care of myself yet I usually say yes. (I know, I'm such a sucker but I love to see him) Best get something from the freezer for supper. Get online and check in with the forums and keep up on email. Need to write to a few people. Rats! 2:30 and I forgot to take out the meat to thaw for supper. Oldest grandson needs to get off to college classes, pack some food and get him out the door.

OK, peace...finally! 4:00 so I have 2 hours before hubby gets home, the best time of the day. So, time for me!! and my sewing machine. Just sit down and in walks my daughter and granddaughter. She lives next door and I guess she wasn't done complaining about the world on the phone so she hikes up to keep on her 'rant of the day.' So much for sewing. At least I hope I get some dinner ready on time.

OK, it's 7 pm, everyone is fed. I'm not sure how I'm the one who gets all of the meal chores. Anyone have an idea what it's like for someone ELSE to cook, serve you and then clean up?? All you have to do is sit down, eat and hit your easy chair.

Now I actually turn on the light on my sewing machine. Wasn't it about 10-12 hours ago I tried this? Hubby is either in front of a hockey game or in his office with his 4 computers so I barely see him. By 9 he's in bed and I'm posting and doing the last of my chores online. I have my computer in our bedroom right now so I do get to see the back of his head as he's snoozing away. OK, I can sew for a while but if I stay up too late it knocks me down the next day. I best get to bed. Wait from grandson to get home from night classes, wipe down the kitchen, check the doors, stoke the woodstove, turn off all the lights, check on cat. (I thought putting the house to bed was the man's job??? I'm doing something wrong here. My dad always did that one.)

Get ready for bed and finally get there about 11 so I'm gonna get some reading time in, at least! Can't keep my eyes open because of the darn med's. Darn!!! Forgot my night dose of insulin. Back out of bed....you see what's happening here??? Every day I swear I will break past this problem. I went to far as to spend my entire spring and most of summer deep cleaning the house partly to avoid some of this extra work but it's no help. If I clear a spot on the counter or eating bar it's like a neon sign for others to immediately cover it up with their jumk that needs to be put away and not just dropped in the kitchen!

Arrrggggggg smhair smhair smhair All I'm doing is complaining and I do appologize but I have been trying for ages to get out of this mess and I just can't succeed. When I was able to work it wasn't this bad. I ask the guys for help and I get a resounding 'sure' but when they are needed they're no where to be found. The excuse...well, what do you want me to do? GEEZZZZZ, we went over it all only yesterday!

How do I get some time for me? Time to rest? I'm on my feet going non-stop all day and have nothing to show for it. I love cooking for and taking care of hubby...and spoiling him. I can hear all of the things I 'should do' but just can't seem to do them or get them to work. I have considered going on strike but that's not really the problem. I think the problem is mostly ME! I allow it and somehow I have to change that. So many of us are perfectionists and I can't sit still unless everything is picked up and in it's proper place and that's not going to happen right now. We have an addition project that is way over due to be completed. In the mean time I have piles of stuff everywhere! My pain level is out of sight!

Is there any hope for me???
Exhausted Chutzie shakehead cry
Play fair. Don't hit people. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
~Robert Fulghum

(\o/)Co-Moderator Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Forums
(/|\)

Post Edited (Chutz) : 10/10/2009 3:41:43 PM (GMT-6)


couchtater
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 14414
   Posted 10/10/2009 2:30 PM (GMT -7)   
CCC, has got a great idea.
   Assign a room or more to each person who lives there. If you have two bathrooms let your grandson clean his bathroom and bedroom. He must take his stuff to his room and is not allowed to dump it anywhere. Same for hubby.
   Make a job list and post it for all to see. Tell them to chose at least 1/3 of the list as their everyday or weekly chore.
  Since you enjoy cooking.....cook, but have someone else clean up.
   Make a special time of the the day as totally yours to spoil yourself. Turn off the phone, let others know so they won't panic if they can't reach you, and do what you want to do. Have an understanding with your children that this is your time and they are not to disturb you except in a extreme emergency. This includes calls from grandkids.
   Talk with your husband and tell him how you're feeling at the end of the day and that you would like some help in putting the house to sleep.
   Have sandwich stuff and chips around for grandson to fix for himself to take to college. He's old enough to fix his own lunchbox.
   You may get some rebellion but stick to your guns and you'll be surprised at how they will begin to chip in.
Stop spoiling everyone all the time, it just makes things rotten.
 
 
Joy

Chutz
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 9090
   Posted 10/10/2009 2:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks CCC and Joy...you hit on what are probably the biggest problems as I read through this.

First I have to commend you and anyone else who actually reads thru the missive I wrote. I look at it now and just shake my head...lol But Joy, you are right, I spoil everyone. And don't "stick to my guns" at all. Hubby works hard and has to drive over an hour each way to work so I feel bad asking him to help...yet when I do ask he's happy to. I'm one of those silly people who hates to ask and ask and ask when it is obvious. Grandson does clean his bathroom...now and then. I refuse to. But, like hubby, any time I ask him to do something he's happy to do it...around the house that is.

I am going to have to change my thinking and attitude. I've been this way most of my life and am probably getting worse. Deep down I do have some guilt feelings because I can't work any more so I should be able to do all of the things around here...right? Wrong! But somehow I can't get my head around it. You've give me some great advice to think about. Thank you so very much!

Warm hugs,
Chutzie
Play fair. Don't hit people. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
~Robert Fulghum

(\o/)Co-Moderator Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Forums
(/|\)


opnwhl4
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 4961
   Posted 10/10/2009 4:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Chutzie-
Wow! I too was worn out reading through that. I don't have any ideas on how to slow down except delegate away some chores. That is a full time job with overtime in itself. Sure hope you find a way to slow down a bit.

Take care,
Bill

fatherjohn
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 999
   Posted 10/10/2009 7:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Chutzie, The joy of family. I am not a very good one to give advise on slowing down so I will leave that to more qualified individuals. Take care of yourself, there is only one of you.

Chutz
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 9090
   Posted 10/10/2009 9:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Bill and Father John! Your sentiments touch my heart. There are some other family stressors going on right now and that never helps Daughter is heading down a wrong path and I doubt anyone can stop her. Unfortunately it's affecting her sons/my grandsons...but that's another story for me to work on.

Thank you all for being so kind and offering great ideas. I know you are all right...I just have to have the guts to do something about changing things. Maybe that's the hardest part.

Loves!
Chutzie
Play fair. Don't hit people. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
~Robert Fulghum

(\o/)Co-Moderator Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Forums
(/|\)


Mrs. Dani
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 2787
   Posted 10/11/2009 10:06 AM (GMT -7)   
 
   Dear Chutz,
 
     Good morning! *warm huggs* How are you doing today? We are good here. The girls are making "templates?".. schematics? Of how they want their rooms done since its Winter Clean time here. I am enjoying the company *huggs* with a  warm cup of coffee. Today is my sleep in day, and I never understand why I cannot seem to sleep in much past 9:30. Maybe its the cold toes and giggles that hop into bed with me! :-)
 
     I was giggling inside when I read your post, you know it could have been me writing it! I am so glad I am not the only one who feels complete by loving others! My husband, his family and friends just don't get it! I mean, do they not realize that it is the love that is put into the home that makes them all want to be here? I hear all the time "just relax" and "you do too much" but really... I look about and truly feel I do not do enough!
 
     When I first went to the pain psychologist, she asked about a hundred questions... by the the third visit I felt "attacked" somehow, because so many were plucking apart my behaviours!!! In the end I am glad I listened and tried to change my habits. But gosh it was hard. I think what helped the most, was my husband understanding that one of my emotional needs is to have a clean home, but he is stubborn and that part took a while for him to understand. In any case, here are some of the changes...
 
     3 "times" of "me" time per day :  No phone. No requests. Only things that *I* want and that will only benefit me. (this part took a while, but, when I was told that "me" time would also benefit those I love, well... :-) )
 
     8:30am-9:30am ~Computer / morning coffee (sleep-in day 1st hour available)
     1:30pm-2:30pm~ Nap or Biofeed back
     8:45pm - 10:30pm~ Computer / social time (unless its thursday "HW Chat" night) / Jewlery
 
     "sleep-in" atleast 1 time per week. (kidds eat cereal that day)
 
     1/2 or 1 "day off" per week : My husband and children must do ATLEAST minimum house hold duties. Dishes, Order out for supper (my husband has to do "take out" for his once a week meal becuase it took a really long time for his hair to grow back after the last fire in kitchen), basic clean (putting what they see in the right bins). Nothing spectacular, just basics. No laundry, they tried last time my towels turned blue and green.
 
     Game Night~ (no phones) Wednesday is game night as it is a half day for the girls. But I make easy supper ahead of time or something simple.
 
     "project shelf & bins" all labeled. Tools. mail. completed school work. art supplies. electronic stuff. games. Etc. and then on saturday (sometiems wednesday too) I hand everyone a bin, they must put what is in their bin, away where it belongs.
 
       I also have labeled units on shelves too, where it is all put away in its area or shelving unit. "activity chest" has mini bins for pencils, markers, glue, scissors,etc.. The "game unit" has areas for puzzles, cards, outside games, adult games and childrens games. It sounds simple, but getting the shelves labeled and organized etc, everyone used to the system took a while... few months to create the areas and few months for everyone to get used to the system.  Another good one, is making everyone track their own dirty laundry. If it doesnt make from their room bins ~> laundry room bins, it doesnt get washed.
 
      I have "rules" or "goals" I had to try to achieve too that were really hard to follow at first. Only do bed linens 2x per week. Only vacume every other day (that one is hard to follow). Mop everyother day (sweep constantly thou, we live in desert). Bathrooms every other day. Was supposed to do laundry the same, but I cannot seem to achieve it. My motto! "Load a day keeps the overwhelmed monster away". Dust every other day, etc. Anything that could be done every other day instead of daily. Somethings went from weekly to monthly like base boards, outside windows, pantry, etc. I prepare the entire weeks lunches on sunday. Try to prepare wednesday night meal and freeze, if possible.
 
      One thing that I didnt expect is that they all had an area they didnt want touched. Turned out to be their desks... drives me crazy. I try not to touch those areas but 1 a week..aside from dusting...maybe just a lil straightning.
 
       So that how I keep the henson household running smoothly. I dont have any good ideas for remembering medicine thou. I always forget my morning dose, and always have to hop out of bed to take evening dose. I hope that part gets easier to remember, I am still kinda new to taking medicine. I know it seems like I have alot of "me" time.. I wake at 6:30am and close my day at 8:45pm. So it "evens out" somehow.
 
        It was really nioce to chat with you, but I have eaten up my morning hour and then some! It must be the good company *huggs* Hope you have a nice day today *warmest huggs*
 
*huggs*
   dani
 
 
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,  
And sorry I could not travel both  
And be one traveler, long I stood


Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9622
   Posted 10/11/2009 10:17 AM (GMT -7)   
Just wanted to says soft hugz and hopes you can find some free time..
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Chutz)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
**********************************************
* Asthma, Allergies, Osteoarthritis, Spinal Stenosis, Degenative Disc, Fibromyalgia, Gerd,
Enlarged Pituitary Gland, Sjogren's and Ocular Migraines

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PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 10/11/2009 11:06 AM (GMT -7)   
My Dear Chutzie,
I promise to come back and read through your entire post and this thread. But I want to do it when my mind and body are a bit more refreshed.

I drastically overdid it yesterday. And I truly want to give your post the attention it deserves!

Hugs,

PaLady

skeye
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 2976
   Posted 10/11/2009 11:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Wow, Chutzie! Sounds like you are going, going, going, going! Just reading all that you do is overwhelming! The best thing for me is to just take things one step at a time. I used to look ahead days, or even a week or more, but now it's all that I can do to only look ahead an hour & at most, to the next day. I find that lists really help me to make sense out of chaos. My desk at school is covered in post-it notes! smilewinkgrin

I don't know what more I can say, it sounds like you've gotten some good advice already. Just don't miss out on your "me" time! That seems like it's always the first thing to get cut, but it is so important!

hugs,
Skeye

edt
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 773
   Posted 10/11/2009 11:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Chutz,
I can so relate to your post....I continue to overdo, its just my nature or should I say its woman in general!
I have found it very difficult to ask for help, in the past having to ask someone to help me is admitting failure in my world.  The other reason I found was that when I did ask for help, I needed it at that moment not 10 or 15 minutes from when I asked.  If I had to wait for my husband to reach high in a cabinet for a bowl and he couldn't get it then, it would hold up cooking and become very annoying for me.  So I did it myself because when I need it I want it and need it right then!
What I did do with the help of my daughters is rearrange my cabinets, I got rid of stuff I haven't used in a year and moved everything I DO use on a daily basis to the front of the lower cabinets.
Reaching and bending are an issue for me..... I FINALLY had a family chat (4 months ago) and explained to my husband the area's of my frustration in detail.  When I took the time to explain he understood and actually has started cooking on some nights, he mops and vacuums for me.  He is much more willing simply because I verbalized and most times now I don't have to ask he just does it! 
My kids have their own houses now but still stop by for dinner and expect me to cook Holidays!  Again, I set boundaries...this year things are going to be different I am cooking the Turkey for Thanksgiving and as hard as it was I have asked everyone to bring a dish.  Everyone seemed happy to accomodate! 
What I'm saying is tell your family what would help you and I bet they will be happy to oblige.  My second guess is they have no idea how you are feeling.
It was really hard to start the conversation but once I got started it all came out easily!
You can do it Chutz!!
XXOO
Patti
 

Hello~Kitty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 610
   Posted 10/11/2009 12:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Chutz,

Sounds like we have almost the same scheadule. Except I dont have a a husband to ask to do stuff or me. I'm a single mother of 2 kids who are always on the go, and they will not pick up after themselves, no matter what I do or threaten. I'll unplug the game systems, lock up the bikes and scooters, and they just sit there and laugh. It gets so overwhelming and I cant stand to see a mess. Right now you cant even walk into my son's bedroom, it's really bad, but the rest of the place is pretty clean except for my computer desk which has big piles of bills and school papers.

Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed, I too wanna go on strike, but I know it wouldn't matter, my kids could care less. Then I have several cages that needs to be cleaned daily or my animals get mad at me (and it attracts flies and maggots if not cleaned daily, yuk!!!) so everyday with my back killing me, I have to spot clean the cage and every 3 days I have to completly clean the cage, plus as much as I love my guineas and degus and rats, I cant stand the smell of dirty cages.

Then to make matters worse, I'm always severly behind on laundry, since my apartment doesnt have washer and dryer hookups and I cant afford to use the laundry mat (plus people steal things from the laundry mat around here) so I have to use my father's washer and dryer, and that includes putting clothes into the van, driving to my dad's house, and taking down to his basement and then going up and down stairs to wash and dry then back up the stairs and into the van and back home to be carried back in and put away, it's a huge mission for me, cause then I'm out with more severe pain for days afterwards.

Well anywyas, I could go on forever about my busy days where no matter how busy it is, I never feel like i get anything done, so I know how it feels. And no matter how much I plan things, it never gets done.

-carmen

Carmen~*~*~Chronic Pain Moderator

DX-Chronic Pain due to two freak car accidents, Pancreatic Divisum,Fibromyalgia, Asthma, Depression w/anxiety, Migraines

Meds- Suboxone 16mg for pain, Cymbalta 60mg, Lyrica 50mg, Imitrex 100mg PRN,Ibprofen 800mg PRN, Ventolin Inhaler PRN, Visteril PRN

 


White Beard
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3610
   Posted 10/11/2009 10:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Chutzie
I understand when you say that you hate to ask your family members to do things, that they should know that the things need to be done! But obviously  they don't! and it might not be because they don't care, or anything like that! But maybe they see things differently, and put different priorities on those things, than what you do! But you should not feel any guilt, about asking for help! Isn't it the reason you can't work, is because of your pain and everything? Well if you can not work at your job because of that, what makes you  think, that you can do everything at home? Isn't that also work? Just because the tasks are at home, and your not getting paid to do them, like you do when your job is  somewhere else where you do get paid, does not mean it is not work! Anyway if you can not work at one why would you think you could do the other? That is what you need to not only get through to yourself! But also make your family aware of it! I am sure once they realize that you can not do all the things at home, they will be racing to be first in line to be be helping you! Heck I only know you from this forum and I want to be helping you all I can!!!!, I am sure your family who really knows you well will be more eager than I could ever dream of being to help you! I am sure they just need to know how bad you need the help! And don't under or is it over estimate yourself, You do NEED the HELP! Your family needs you! and we need you! But we need you to be Whole and as Healthy as possible, and you can not possibly be that way  if you end up doing everything all the time for everyone else!  I know! I know! I do things that I shouldn't do too! But I am getting better at that!  Please let your family  know, that you need their help! So they can have the joy of helping you, and knowing that they are doing their part!!. I am sure that, that is important for them, as I am sure they want to be as much help to you as they can be! So Please let them!
 
Chutzie I am really glad you made this Thread! I am sure everyone else is to! You are always there for all of us! Always helping us! It is such an honor to be able to, at least in some small way, be able to, be of some kind of assistance, or help and be able to provide some kind of support to you! You do know, I am always here for you, We, all, are always here for YOU!
 
I Wish you Well my Friend!
 
White Beard


Moderator Chronic Pain
 
I'm Retired USAF, went back to school and became an RN, and now am on full disalbility!--   DDD, With herniated Disk at T-12 and L4-5. C5-C6 ACDF in  Sep 2009,  C6-C7 ACDF in Mar 1985, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!) Medications: Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV

Post Edited (White Beard) : 10/11/2009 11:50:28 PM (GMT-6)


Tony McGuire
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 483
   Posted 10/12/2009 8:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Chutzie,

You are getting started all wrong.

Instead of getting the dishwasher ready and popping in a load of clothes, load it with dishes or move over to the clothes washer.

Eating off of plates is much better; trust me.

And there, my friend, is the wrong start to the whole thing.

Tony McGuire
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 483
   Posted 10/12/2009 9:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Never mind, I get the flow of the wording now.

(Wish we could edit the messages like before, to edit/add/delete)

PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 10/13/2009 1:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Chutzie,
I know I'm a bit late in reading this thread, but I did read all of it! You have been given some good and even great advice. Since I don't have children or grandchildren or a husband, I can't speak from experience. I make my own messes and I still don't get them cleaned up!

But one thing I picked up on was you used the word guilt, and White Beard's post I think hit the nail on the nead in that you need to look in the mirror and acknowledge that what you're doing at home is work, and you still have limitations. I wonder if it's facing and admitting that that's has you nearly driving yourself crazy with activity? I say that with all the tenderness I have for you, and actually feel that same struggle inside me. Still wanting to deny how my life is changing. Has changed. And keeping yourself running so fast all day doesn't give you the time to feel all that might go with acknowledging you had to give up working for GOOD reasons. And that means working at home, too.

It is the middle of the night and I make not be making any sense, but I hope some of this is relevant!

You give us all so much here. I wish I had more to offer right now.

((((((((((Chutzie))))))))))))

PaLady
p.s. Tony - you can still edit your own posts by clicking on the pencil icon in the upper right hand corner of your post. You can delete your posts by clicking on the "x" icon. However, only moderators can editor or delete the posts of others.

bsjaguar
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 974
   Posted 10/13/2009 4:24 AM (GMT -7)   
My biggest challenge is falling asleep. I'll try to sit down to take a break or read my book and next thing I know I'm falling asleep. I don't like to take naps cause I tend to over sleep and then when bedtime comes I'm not tired. My husband works days so we get up at 5am and go to bed around 9pm. If I get on a different sleep schedule it interrupts his sleep.
---Jag---
 
DDD, osteoarthritis, fusion surgeries C-5/7 & L-4/5 both in 2006, torn meniscus left knee 2000 & 2002, buldging disc L-2/3


Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9622
   Posted 10/13/2009 6:28 AM (GMT -7)   
Jag you should like me and my hubby except we go to bed at 10 p.m. and
he wakes up at 5 a.m. and I wake up at 7 a.m. but lately everything has been off
and getting to sleep has been a problem....
Chutz,
sure hope you finally got things organized better!
HUGZ
**********************************************
* Asthma, Allergies, Osteoarthritis, Spinal Stenosis, Degenative Disc, Fibromyalgia, Gerd,
Enlarged Pituitary Gland, Sjogren's and Ocular Migraines

********>^..^<********>^..^<********>^..^<********


LLPLUV
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1158
   Posted 10/13/2009 8:00 AM (GMT -7)   
I just want to climb through this computer and give you a really big REAL time HUG!!!!!! yeah
 
about 7 or 8 months ago I posted something so similar to what you did.  Wow it brought goose bumps to mind.  I believe Whitebeard and PAlady were the one who brought alot of issues to light for me.
 
I also felt like I had to do everything.  I cooked cleaned and spoiled three teenagers and a husband who works 60 to 70 hours who also deals with CP.  I have always been the one to set the table, act as the waitress and cleanup crew.  But I did it with love 100%.  I had the same feeling of GUILT!  I was the problem!!!  My days were like yours even the daughter complaining on my part was my father.  My oldest son causes insane issues in the house.  I had STRESS and Chores to do.  I took everything on my shoulders and it did feel like the weight of the world!
 
Ok what I learned.  1. Its was me causing this 2. I was acually being selfish 3. I'm not mother teresa!
 
Now its months and months later.  I cook only when I want to which is still most the time but my husband will jump right in if I look to be tired or hurting.  I do NO chores.  Well I do clean the livingroom impulsivly and make my bed.  The kids have taken over the chores.
 
But I still haven't found time to turn my sewing machine on to even start a QUILT.  Oh man I love to quilt!  I will watch your thread so I can maybe find sometime for myself we can journey together.
 
To get to where we are now was a HUGE serious family meeting.  I explained to everyone I would have a hardtime letting anyone else do anything but that caused them to ask me Can I do this MOM?  I now get asked how I feel and where the pain level is.  I made it clear to them that It was my fault because I loved them so much.  Thats all it took for me.  I even had my father in this meeting and he just ignored me but in the end I sent him on his way.  He no longer lives with me.
 
I hope you find some answers that your are looking for....
 
Laurie
Kidney Diseases and Disorders
              Moderator
 
39 yr young female with,
Chronic Kidney Stones, PKD (Polycystic Kidney Disease), Chronic Kidney Failure, Severe Hypertension, Urological RSD

Also CHF (Congestive Heart Failure) and Sleep Apnea

Hopefully NO MORE........


Chutz
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 9090
   Posted 10/14/2009 9:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Laurie!!

I DO remember your posts and especially the problems you had with your father. As I recall, didn't he end up going to live with your sister?

I'm a generation ahead of you...almost. It was hubby and me, then a year ago grandson moved it. He does help whenever I ask and cleans his bathroom, most of the time. BUT, his room looks like it threw up most of the time. So when he wants to get out of doing something he says he just has to clean his room cause he hates the way it is. Ya, right. I stripped it down and organized everything when he was gone for a week and it only took him about 36 hours and it was trashed again.

And about the meeting...I did that with hubby and grandson. Told them I would love to get up from the table and go sit in front of the TV too but someone had to pick up the kitchen, refrigerate leftovers, etc...and I was tired of being the only one who did it. Grandson puts his place setting in the dishwasher but at any given time there are at least 3-4 cups, a bowl and 2 plates in his bedroom.

OK, enough cause everyone has dealt with some of this at one time or another. I'm trying to let him be adult and have told him my exceptions for a college freshman...it's just not happening. I can't sent him back to mom, my daughter, because she's turned her back on him. No way I can.

You are right...so very right. It's mostly ME. Yes, they need to be way more thoughtful when it comes to chores around here. How many times to I have to remind someone to take out the trash that I put in front of the door so they would trip over it? Nope, they step OVER it!!! arrgghhhhh... And like you, Laurie, I do it all from my heart. I love to cook for them and serve them nice meals. I like to have the house nice when we are all home and especially when we have company. And most of all I am probably in denial that I can't do everything I want to do and used to do. That is probably my biggest fault. I have spoiled them rotten and am now paying the price...although recently hubby has been more helpful without me asking. That makes all the difference in the world! It almost makes up for him forgetting our anniversary last week...ALMOST! cry confused

Thanks for all of the comments and Laurie, we'll get through this and I'll keep watching how you do this and seem to be so successful.
Chutzie
Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them.
Richard L. Evans

(\o/)Co-Moderator Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Forums
(/|\)


PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 10/14/2009 10:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Chutzie,
Your hubby has been in my "plus" column until now! Forgetting your anniversary? Big no-no! nono He has how many computers??? Do any of them have a calendar and reminder system? mad

Ok, point made. Sort of. I'm so sorry for you - with all you do. Many, many mea culpas are in order from him. Didn't you say you wanted him to pay for several spa days for you? I swear I heard you say that! yeah wink

I also saw some kind of dog training show on animal planet and the couple hired the trainer to teach the dog to drag out the garbage bag on garbage collection morning because (ahem) for some reason her husband could no longer do it due to his long work hours - working out of their home!!! shocked smhair So hubby could also pay for a dog trainer - maybe to train him? smilewinkgrin

Hugs,

PaLady

jeffro74
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 29
   Posted 10/15/2009 10:41 AM (GMT -7)   
I get less than half of what you do done. I do one load of laundry and empty the dishwasher and I want to die! Can't just rest because I've got to chase the baby all over the house. I know it seems rough, and it is. I just wish i could get as much done as you do!
Jeffro


straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 13451
   Posted 10/16/2009 9:52 AM (GMT -7)   

It makes you tired reading Chutz's day for sure. Its just my husband and I at home but omg the messes that man can make and it drives me nuts. He is real bad about making his messes and walking off leaving me to clean up. I have been tempted to go out and turn his garage upside down and walking off to show him what its like to have to clean up after someone.

My day starts w/cup of coffee on the backporch, in between scooper pooping daily mission, two dogs can make a mess and I cannot handle it in my yard,lol. I then take care of cleaning the pool, if the yard needs mowing I get that done. I do all of the mwoing, edging and weedeating in the very early hours due to the heat. I am in the house by 10:00 am.

My indoor work is not on a schedule, its on as needed basis. I do run the sweeper daily because I have 2 indoor dogs. Mopping is done on a weekly basis, same with lemon oiling all of the furniture.

I designate one day or 2 days for cleaning the downstairs. I do laundry in the evening while he watches tv. I do not care for tv so I generally will work in the house. I try to to do laundry a load a day.

I also babysit my grandson when I am needed. That job I love but that job wears me out more than anything,lol.

Chutzie you might want to invoke the "no eating in the bedroom rule". My kids were not allowed to eat in their rooms. I wouldn't put up with finding food & dishes in their bedrooms, sent me off the edge,lol.

If the kids come to dinner they get to load the dishwasher and clean up. Its not allowed for the daughter or daughter-in-law to sit on their cans and watch me do all the work. When I am their guest I clean up their kitchen.

I think most of us hate asking anyone to for help, I know I do. Someone mentioned when you need help, you normally need it now, not next month.


Straydog/Susie
Moderator Chronic Pain
 
crohns disease dx 2002 & small bowel resection, still looking for remission whatever that is, chronic pain 22 yrs, added ulcerative colitis 6-05 to the mix, high blood pressure 28 yrs, aortic heart valve insuffiency, depression, osteoarthritis, osteoporosis lumbar spine, scoliosis lumbar spine, peripheral neuropathy hands & feet, COPD & on oxygen therapy, lupus & decreased circulation in both legs. Several other health issues just not enough room to list it all. Too many surgeries to list and too many medications to list. Currently on 16 different daily medications. Intrathecal pain pump implanted June 05.

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