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damouthy1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 663
   Posted 7/5/2010 8:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Dani,
 
I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your post to me yesterday. I did see it before you deleted it, then one of my kiddo's needed the computer and it was gone when I came back on to reply. Your story sounds exactly like my situation! The things you said made so much sense and opened my eyes to what is really going on with my son. I felt so much better after reading it, Thank you again for taking the time to explain such a crazy situation to me. He is my oldest, so the first to go through anything like this. I am so hurt for him but angry too and you understood that and made me feel like it was ok. You are one awesome lady! Thank you again you made a big difference in my way of thinking. Take care.
 
 
Gentle Hugs,
Shannon
 
Fibromyalgia, Chronic daily headaches, Migraine disorder (with and without aura), GERD, High blood pressure, Depression and Anxiety
Oxycontin, Flexeril as needed, Lopressor, Lexapro, Omeprazole, Clonazepam as needed, Promethazine as needed for nausea from migraines


Mrs. Dani
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 2787
   Posted 7/5/2010 10:08 AM (GMT -7)   
 
 
   Dear Shannon,
 
     I emailed it to you because I thought you might be busy with 4th of july celebrations. Here it is again~~>
 
    *WARM HUGG*
          dani
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
***I saw you deleted your post while I was replying, so I hope you dont mind my responding! ***
 
Dear Shannon,
 
     Goood morning! *warm hugg* It is always good to hear from you! What are your planns for tonight??? More importantly how are you feeling today?
 
     Ahh, your son... bless his heart. So, I am gonna talk about a few things. But, first I want you to know a little background.
 
      ...I ran away from home 2 weeks before I turned 15. For good reason, and goodness it was the best thing I ever did. I was able to accomplish so much in life. .... but around the time I had my oldest daughter (was 21) I got word from one of the much older biological family members. We began talking when I was 20. She lets me know who has died, who is in prision, etc. Our relationship is secret. I cannot be near or around my biological family for... serious reasons. Anycase, she called letting me know my cousin had run away and she was asking for help. So, I flew out to the state where my aunt was, obtained custudy with a little strong arming (she is addicted to many druggs). Got him out of hiding, and got him into school. He deserved a chance. I didnt care what he ended up doing in life, but he deserved a chance. It only took 3 months of excess work to give him that chance. And boy did he take that chance and run with it. I would have never guess in a million years that he literally was an academic genius. Amazing.
 
     ...so, a few years later when he was oh.. Id say about 18 or maybe just about to turn 18 he met a young girl. She was a looker, no doubt. ...She was also very manipulative, demanding, verbally and physically abusive, controlling.... Sound about like your young mans girl friend?
 
     ...when he came over for supper (by this time he was in community college and had a little apartment close to the bus stop) it hit me like a 10 ton brick to the head! How could I have missed something so obvious?!?! She is on the phone, I can hear her screaming away. Angry he wasnt with her (he had just saw her an hour prior) and raving mad he was at my house. And that is when it HIT ME!
 
          ...He is addicted to the emotional high she brings him. You heard me right. He was addicted to the turmoil, the conflict, emotional extreme highs. What helped the best was to allow him to make his own decisions but still provide him the means and oppertinuty to work towards becomming a independant adult.... in other words, I continued to do all the things and all the stages he needed to become independant. In the end, about a year later, she really crossed the line and he had enough. He left her.
 
     I dont think there was anything I could do or say to make them break up before that though. All I could do was make sure he was comfortable and wasnt isolated. ..But, now I wouldnt stand for drama at my home, not atall. If she wanted to have her anxiety fuled arguments they were NOT to be done in, near or around my home. But, I also didnt try to force him to stop dating her. In the end it was important that he experienced what a realtionship like that can do and problems it can cause. I think that if I was to push him or talk bad about her, it would do nothing but make him withdrawl from me. I didnt want that atall. Now..  I sure did wish! He could have had a small fender bender with her, instead of a head on collision with an abusive relationship. But, it was important that I help him to lay a foundation for his life and not give that little girl the means and motive to completly isolate him. As much as I loved him, he was addicted to the "emotional highs" that she brought, but did eventuially learn that it wasnt okay.
 
      So.. that was my little adventure in young men and their young, excitable, anxiety ridden girls. I hope more than anything that your son is able to see the relationship for what it really is. But, sometimes we have a head on collision (so to speak) before we learn. Just try to be the constant presence as you always are. Keep right on being your wonderfully support mom that you always are *hugg* but, make sure that the line is drawn for you home. That way "home" can always be a "safe haven". Your doing a great job, really you are *hugg* I am so sorry he had damaged his adult teeth already. I wish he could understand that that damamge will likly be a problem the rest of his life. But, he is, at his core, a smart young man! You did a great job!
 
     Its always so nice to hear from you! I really hope you can have a nice 4th of July celebration.
 
*warm huggs*
      dani
 
 
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
 
Chronic Pain Moderator


damouthy1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 663
   Posted 7/5/2010 11:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Awww Dani,

Tears streaming down my face while I read your wise words. I believe you hit the nail right on the head! My son is also super intelligent, he was always in the gifted program. So why do they act so dumb at times? I think that because he is so smart it bothers me even more that he is selling himself short with this girl. I will take your advise and be there for him, and I have also put my foot down. She is not allowed here. I have 4 other children and I will not allow the disruption of our lives!

Thank you again for being here for me, I had deleted my post because I wasn't sure if it was appropriate. The dentists are all closed today, so we are not sure what they are going to have to do. The doctor's office did call in some vicoden for the pain, so at least he can be somewhat comfortable. I know that he will probably always have problems with those teeth now and he had such nice teeth! I am still so sick about it.

I will talk to you again soon Dani, and I hope you know how much you helped me! I really needed to hear the things you said. Take care my new friend.
Gentle Hugs,
Shannon
 
Fibromyalgia, Chronic daily headaches, Migraine disorder (with and without aura), GERD, High blood pressure, Depression and Anxiety
Oxycontin, Flexeril as needed, Lopressor, Lexapro, Omeprazole, Clonazepam as needed, Promethazine as needed for nausea from migraines


Mrs. Dani
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 2787
   Posted 7/5/2010 11:32 AM (GMT -7)   
 
 
  Oh shannon.
 
    Anytime, friend *hugg* You know it was alot harder to raise a teenager than I thought it would be. In fact I would have never thought in a million years I would have a teenager and a new baby all in the same month.
 
    I want you to know that I did allow the young girl into my home. I was very accepting. BUT and this is a big one. No anger. No angry undertones. If they had just gotten ina  fight before comming over they were not allowed. They were NOT going to fight in, near or around my home. I told him that I was too tired and lived too much life in my short years to have that around me. I put it in his hands. He would be responsable for what he allowed to happen and when. But they were NOT to come over during arguments... which ment I only saw her 4 or 5 times a month. Hehe. smilewinkgrin
 
    You know you really are doing a wonderful job. I can tell he has your heart, no doubt. That is always a big lesson for young men learn. I sure do hope he can get into the dentist soon, bless his heart.
 
*WARM hugg*
        dani
 
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
 
Chronic Pain Moderator

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