Help me help my husband!

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FedUpWife10
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 7/30/2010 10:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Please, I am about to lose my mind! I promise that I am a kind, sweet, caring person. But I just can not take any more "I'm in pain" again. It's all the freakin time. I am 24, he is 28. We have a 2 month old daughter. I am bipolar and trying to deal with mood changes and recovering from childbirth as well as taking care of a baby. I can't take care of him anymore!

I'll admit that it was frustrating every day when he came home from work and was in pain before our daughter got here. Especially when I was 8/9 months pregnant and miserable and got NO support. But now we have a new baby and I'm doing all the work and having to rely heavily on my mom while trying to get my mood stabilized and my husband comes home with and aching ______ (head/back/neck/toe/finger/stomach).

I'm afraid this is destroying us. I need some help. On top of that, I need to feel loved. He doesn't feel good enough to show any affection. He is taking a pain killer and muscle relaxer and snores all night long while I stay up with the baby. I think he's depressed but he just laughs when I mention it. That's the only time he laughs though. I went to the doctor with him and tried my best to get the doctor to really do something. I can only talk for my husband so much.

Any advice? I'm about ready to say go live with your mom until you can be a good supportive part of this family! I'm trying to be understanding, but I'm sick of being the supportive wife and getting nothing back.

Retired Mom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 7/31/2010 5:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi FedUP,

I'm sorry that you are going through so much right now and I know how difficult childbirth and a new baby can be.

I noticed that you said he snores all night. Has he had a sleep study done? Sleep apnea could cause a host of problems.

Please understand that most of us on this board are chronic pain patients ourselves. We don't have medical answers, but we can give support.

I hope you rested well last night and that today will be a better one than the day before!
Retired Mom

White Beard
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3611
   Posted 7/31/2010 8:38 AM (GMT -7)   
FedUpWife

You said something very revealing, and I think you really need to push him into having this checked out, You said he snores all night long, does he also appeared tired allot in the day time and does he want to take allot of naps? You know FedUpWife, maybe he should be checked for having Sleep Apnea! This is a very serious condition, but easily treated, but if he does have it, it is important that he is diagnosed and treated for it ASAP, as this can be life threatening condition for everyone! Is he extremely tired when he is driving? Does he get up allot in the night to go to the bathroom? Is he moody and cranky allot? All these things a r symptoms of sleep apnea. I know you are concerned and it might appear that he is just not caring about you, and the baby, and maybe that might be true, but maybe it isn't that way at all, Maybe just Maybe he can not help it, and he has something wrong??? It could be??? I am including a link that you can go to, to learn more about Sleep Apnea, and see if it might apply to your husband. If it does then there are people there that can help you with getting him diagnosed and if he has it then treated! Here is the Link: http://www.apneasupport.org/index.php

I hope this might help! Good Luck to YOU and your "Lil One"

White Beard

Alcie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 4646
   Posted 7/31/2010 2:19 PM (GMT -7)   
It makes a lot of difference what the meds are. Many pain killers have bad reactions when muscle relaxers are added. What are the meds?
Alcie
 
 

FedUpWife10
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 7/31/2010 2:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Im not sure what the meds are. Thank you all for your respones. And please know that I do not mean to discredit and of your pain. I feel for all of you, I really am just a fed up wife!

He already knows that he has sleep apnea. He has had corrective surgery for it. His doctor told him that he may still suffer from it and wanted him to do another study but he said he would rather just try to lose some weight. He has about 20-25 pounds to lose. I think in his head he thinks that losing that weight is going to solve all his problems but I just don't think that is true.

He just doesn't work well with doctors. He doesn't try. The doctor suggested he get an ultrasound of his gallbladder and he's not doing it. I may be doing too much to help him, but I am just trying so hard because I need him to be better *for me and our daughter*. I am desperate for him to snap back to his old self and just don't know what more I can do.

Pebbles- I am trying to take time for myself. I am about to go out for a couple hours and go to the grocery store and shop a little. But, my husband makes me feel bad for going because he looks so pathetic all the time. He doesn't say outloud "Don't go" but he will say things like, "My neck hurts, but I'll make it" and look sad. He slept from the time he came home from work to this morning, and is asleep again now. I'm about to have to wake him up.

I'm so sick of it :( Thanks for listening to me, it does help some.

nasalady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 1176
   Posted 7/31/2010 4:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear FedUp,

I'm so sorry about your husband's pain and his lack of support for you! Many of us do understand what you're going through.

Pebbles is right, he needs to take charge of his own health issues and until he WANTS to get to the bottom of things and find the cause(s) of his pain, no one can really help him.

And it may be a tough road ahead, even if he does decide to go for it. For example, I had very serious pain problems for years, plus other health issues, including sleep apnea and gall bladder problems. I didn't know what was wrong with me...I had to go to doctor after doctor until I found some who were willing to run tests, to listen to me, to think outside the box.

As you can see from my signature I have Lyme disease, plus coinfections, plus numerous autoimmune diseases and fibromyalgia. At least I FINALLY understand WHY I feel this way! I'm on antibiotics now for the Lyme. But unraveling all of these things to come up with the diagnoses literally took years of work by the doctors and by me.

I do hope it's not THAT difficult to diagnose your husband....and I hope he becomes more willing to work with the medical profession and actively seek some answers!

Please do keep us posted!
Take care,
JoAnn
Lyme Disease, Babesiosis, Ehrlichiosis, Bartonella, EBV, CMV, AIH, Hashimoto's, lupus, fibro, RA, celiac disease, asthma, psoriasis, Raynaud's, hypertension, osteopenia, sleep apnea, RLS, GERD, DDD, L3-4 and L4-5 radiculopathy -> severe lower back pain, cubital tunnel, tarsal tunnel, IV Rocephin, Alinia, Zithromax, Prednisone, Imuran, Plaquenil, Lyrica, Cymbalta, Levothyroxine, Atenolol, Cozaar, Zyrtec, Fosamax, Albuterol, Prilosec, CPAP

autoimmunediseasesgfliving.blogspot.com

LLPLUV
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1158
   Posted 7/31/2010 6:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Fed Up I'm so sorry you have been going through this! Being a new mom it has to be frustrating. All of us with Chronic pain know that our loved ones suffer right along with us. Your husband is also very young. Everyone is right he needs to take the responisiblity of his own pain and health issues.

My husband has been dx'd with Sleep Apnea and alot of what you are saying my husband was right along those lines. He was always so tired, his muscles always hurt and he was stiff as a board every morning.

Seems to me he might need to ask for a anti-depressant. It helps with pain and mood. For all of us who have pain get frustrated and depressed.

For yourself, speak up make your concerns VERY clear. At least then you might feel good just getting it off your chest.
I wish you luck please keep us updated

Laurie
Kidney Diseases and Disorders
              Moderator
 
39 yr young female with,
Chronic Kidney Stones, PKD (Polycystic Kidney Disease), Chronic Kidney Failure, Severe Hypertension, Urological RSD

Also CHF (Congestive Heart Failure) and Sleep Apnea

Hopefully NO MORE........

Mrs. Dani
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 2787
   Posted 7/31/2010 6:40 PM (GMT -7)   
 
  Dear Fed Up,
  
     Good evening. My name is Dani and it is very nice to meet you. I am glad you came to find Healing Well. It is a great place for knowladge & support. Though I am very sorry for "why" you are here, I am glad to meet you.
 
     So, I am going to talk about a few things... but first, I want you to know that you deserve someone who takes an active role in your life. It isnt okay that he laffs at you over such dark subjects. It isnt okay to just ignore your needs. Certianly not the needs of your child. You are worth so much more than that. Emotional "withholding of effection" is very serious. I would venture to guess the two of you have probably progressed to some intense arguments. His responses to the needs of you and your child are very cold... You are worth so much more. Someone in pain, does not treat the people they love in that way. Many of us have families, and love them. Though there are days where we all want to just crawl back into bed and pray the pain goes away... many of us do what we can, as much as we can, each and every day. We still tend to our children and care for our homes. Love our families. I would venture to guess he may have other things going wrong than just pain. The sad part is... you can bring a horse to water, but you cant make them drink... he has to want to get better.
 
     OKay, now that I got that out of the way, lets get down to business. I am not sure if you are looking for resources, or understanding but I am going to give you useful information.
 
 
     Pain Management Specialists are important when dealing with chronic pain. Does he see one? Chronic pain requires multiple approaches, not just medicine. 
 
  • Injection therapy: Injections help to pinpoint the cause of pain, as well as provide pain relief. Therapies include epidural steroid, facet joint, and sacroiliac joint injections; and nerve root, medial branch, peripheral and sympathetic nerve blocks.
  • Physical Therapy: Heat/ice, massage, spinal traction, transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation (TENS), ultrasound, and therapeutic exercise.
  • Pulsed Radiofrequency Neurotomy is a minimally invasive procedure that prevents nerves from sending pain signals to the brain.
  • Rhizotomy uses heated electrodes to turn off pain signals from specific spinal nerves.
  • Spinal Cord Stimulation is an implanted device that produces electrical impulses to block pain perception.
  • Intrathecal Pumps are sometimes called pain pumps. The device is surgically implanted and dispenses measured doses of medication within the spinal canal.
  • Acupuncture is the insertion of very fine, sterile and disposable needles into any of the body's 20 Meridian points or 2,000 acupuncture points. Acupuncture is central to Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), which includes other holistic therapies.
  • Manipulation is performed by chiropractors, osteopathic doctors (DO), and some physical therapists - although the therapy varies among these professions. Manipulation is the therapeutic application of manual pressure or force to treat a musculoskeletal disorder.
  • Music and art therapy are ways to distract your thoughts away from pain. Besides a creative outlet, these therapies promote relaxation, provide a means for emotional expression, help to reduce stress, increases self-esteem, and are fun.
  •  
          Also, seeing a pain psychologist is an absolute must! He must learn to "re build" himeself from the ground up. Pain is a part of him, a part of his life. It is time that it was just a part of his life, NOT what defines him. Here is some useful information.
     
         He has depression. So, looking into a General Psychiatrist would be the best option at first. They are trained to deal with depression which is VERY different from a Pain Psychologist who just deals with the aspects of "chronic pain". We have a "depression" forum here as well.
     
     
         I really hope you are able to get some much needed help. Having an infant will take up all your time and energry for the next three years. Though they do grow up, they never stop needing your love and attention. Having your husband taking an active role in raising your child is important. Not just for you, but for your childs development as well. Please, stay strong. Know you are in our hearts here.
     
    *hugg*
       dani
        
     
        
        
        
     
    TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood
    And sorry I could not travel both
    And be one traveler, long I stood
     
    Chronic Pain Moderator

    White Beard
    Forum Moderator


    Date Joined Feb 2009
    Total Posts : 3611
       Posted 7/31/2010 10:20 PM (GMT -7)   
    FedUpWife

    I am glad you clarified some things, obviously his surgery did not completely fix his sleep apnea, and chances are him losing weight will not necessarily fix it either, he needs to have another sleep study done and be put on CPAP! Now besides that you said to Pebbles in your last post (" I am trying to take time for myself. I am about to go out for a couple hours and go to the grocery store and shop a little. But, my husband makes me feel bad for going because he looks so pathetic all the time. He doesn't say outloud "Don't go" but he will say things like, "My neck hurts, but I'll make it" and look sad. ") FedUpWife that is controlling behavior, on his part, I think he knows hes making you feel guility so you won't go and have time alone! It fits with everything else you have said about him. He is a big boy now, he needs to be responisible for his own medical care! You know you can lead a horse to water but you can not make him drink! Well you can only do so much for your husband, it is not your responsibility to baby and coddle him, and do everything for him! You need to take care of yourself and that little one! You have every right to expect his help, he's the father he should step up and be a man and take care of his wife and family! Part of doing that is taking care of himself and making sure he is healthy and is going to be around for along time to take care and support the two of you! And to do that he needs to treat his sleep apnea, and take care of his other medical problems! It sounds like you have more than enough on your plate to try and take care of. Please seek out help, counseling for yourself would be a big step in the right direction, it would give you some much need "ME" time and would help you be able to better cope with your situation. Do not try and do it all on your own! You are not super woman, and being a new mom you have allot of responsibility and it is not easy! Don't fall for those sad puppy dog looks your husband gives you, be firm set boundaries, tell him what you want and expect of him, and do not accept any more excuses! You do not have control over what he does but you do have control over what you do and what you are willing to put up with! So let him know what that is, and then if he does not change then you have a choice to make. You have control over what you do! To be honest what you have told us about your husband angers me! I know all about sleep apnea, I have it bad! It makes me extremely angery when some one knows they have it and yet refuses to accept treatment! That person not only puts their own life in danger, but also others, what happens if he falls asleep at the wheel when driving and you and the baby are in the car??? Or the other drivers in the other cars or the pedestrains on the road??? He is being irresponsible and selfish! If he wants to do himself in that is fine, but it doesn't usually happen that way! He does not need to take others with him!!!! It is the same with any and all of his other medical problems, he should be wanting to take care of himself so his lil one will have a father!

    I am sorry for carrying on and ranting like that FedUpWife but you deserve better than that! Please seek out help for you and your lil one.

    I wish you well, and good Luck to YOU

    White Beard

    FedUpWife10
    New Member


    Date Joined Jul 2010
    Total Posts : 6
       Posted 7/31/2010 11:14 PM (GMT -7)   
    Thank you SO much everyone. You have no idea how much better I feel just getting validation that I am not wrong in being upset with him. I tried to sit down with him and talk. I told him that he has been off since around the time I got pregnant, and I felt like I didn't get any support during the pregnancy. And... he rolled his eyes at me! I got pissed off and harshly said I was being serious. He said he was sorry but I can tell he didn't mean it. I tried to talk to him but you can tell he doesn't think anything is really wrong. What am I supposed to do if he wont accept there is a problem?

    Dani- I agree, it is not fair of him to ignore my needs and especially not the needs of our child. I think that is what has upset me so much, I know I deserve the best but our precious little girl deserves a father who really cares. I had a crappy father who did nothing with us and I DO NOT want that for our daughter. Thank you for the information about pain management. I will check out the links. I have tried to convince him to take an antidepressent because I am 100% positive he needs it but he is sure he doesn't. I may depend he go to therapy with me as well as on his own.

    White Beard- He is being selfish. Thank you for helping me to see that. He has a CPAP machine in his room but can't wear it because it "makes him claustorphobic". I do go to counseling and I always feel better after leaving :) Honestly at this point I am just ready to divorce him! But I want to make it work for our daughter and I *know* this is not the man I married. I just wish he could see that and want to get back to his old self.

    White Beard
    Forum Moderator


    Date Joined Feb 2009
    Total Posts : 3611
       Posted 8/1/2010 8:51 AM (GMT -7)   
    FedUpWife

    You said (" I tried to talk to him but you can tell he doesn't think anything is really wrong. What am I supposed to do if he wont accept there is a problem? ") You can't do anything, if that is his decision, you do not have control over what he does or doesn't do, You only have control over what you do, and that means you have to make the decision, on whether you can accept and live with his decision or, not, if you can then you do not have any complaints, because you have made the decision to put up with it. If you can't then you have a bunch of other decisions to make. There is no right or wrong decision for you, it is just what you want and what you want for your child. You have to look out for your child, but remember, how things affect you also affect your child! Look at this sentence that you wrote about your own up bringing. ("I had a crappy father who did nothing with us and I DO NOT want that for our daughter. ") What does that tell you?


    I do wish YOU well!

    White Beard

    LLPLUV
    Veteran Member


    Date Joined Mar 2009
    Total Posts : 1158
       Posted 8/1/2010 10:11 AM (GMT -7)   
    Whitebeard is so right.  You can't make choices for him he's the only one that can.  As my husband always says "You are the Master of your own Destiny". 
     
    The statememt You only have control over what you do, and that means you have to make the decision, on whether you can accept and live with his decision
     
    I have made the same choices in 19 yrs of marriage.  Is the fault something I can live with?  So far they all have been yes.  But your husband needs to think about his family.  If he rolls his eyes saying he doesn't think anything is wrong then you more than likely can't convince him there is.
     
    Find some time alone to do some soul searching.  I have found this is a wonderful pasttime to look within yourself to find better ways to become a better person.
     
    I hope you find some peace in the choices you make....
     
    Laurie
     
     
    Kidney Diseases and Disorders
    Moderator



    40 yr young female with,
    Chronic Kidney Stones, PKD (Polycystic Kidney Disease), Chronic Kidney Failure, Severe Hypertension, Urological RSD

    Also CHF (Congestive Heart Failure) and Sleep Apnea

    Hopefully NO MORE........

    caligirl2001
    Regular Member


    Date Joined Jan 2010
    Total Posts : 197
       Posted 8/1/2010 10:19 AM (GMT -7)   
    FedUp,

    I am so sorry that you are going through this. You are not wrong to be upset. Parental responsibility belongs to both of you, and it is very difficult when it all falls on one person, especially when it is not necessary. You are not out of line to feel that your husband is behaving in a selfish manner, as White Beard said. Not taking care of himself with his sleep apnea is a danger to everyone, not just him.

    It sounds like from what you are saying, that you have already been honest with him about your feelings and what you and your daughter need from him. You can't control what he does or does not do. He is not a child, and you do not deserve the burden of having to take care of him as if he is another responsibility for you. Marriage is a partnership. Either he is willing to do his part and participate in the family, or he isn't. It sounds like from what you say that your husband is a drastically different person than he used to be, since you say you want him back to his old self. Some people just need a wake up call to realize that they need to take the steps to getting help. If he is refusing to be an active participant in his health care, you need to put the care of your daughter and yourself first and let him take care of himself, or not, whatever he chooses. Since he is refusing to take care of himself, your mental and physical health is that much more critical to your daughter's well being.

    No one can tell you what the right thing to do is. Especially from a few internet posts. But we can tell you that you do have valid needs and feelings too, and you have the added responsibility now of making decisions for your daughter's best interest. We may be the ones with chronic pain here, but I don't think any of us believe in using our pain to manipulate our loved ones, or would refuse to treat what might be the root cause of our pain and symptoms. To the contrary, we are all desperate to treat our pain and the cause of it so that we can participate as fully as possible in our families lives and have the best life we can, be that pain treatment, or anti-depressants because chronic pain is certainly depressing! I wish you and your daughter the best, and strength for you to do whatever you feel is best for you and your daughter.
    Fibromyalgia, High BP, Migraines, anxiety, Non Celiac Gluten Intolerant
    Current medications: Topamax, Maxalt, Lotrel, Wellbutrin

    Retired Mom
    Veteran Member


    Date Joined Feb 2010
    Total Posts : 1753
       Posted 8/1/2010 10:41 AM (GMT -7)   
    Well said Cali!  I think you have a great perspective on this and hope fed-up can find peace.  This is a challenge so many of us face in our marriages.  Often there is one person (or both) who feel they are doing more, showing more affection, or giving more to the relationship.  My husband and I have had this discussion so many times and so many times each person has a valid point.  Often we feel like we are doing so much and the other person so little, when it's a smiliar feeling for them....for instance....a stay at home parent often feels secluded, exhausted, emotionally neglected, and frustrated after dealing with the home responsibilites all day.  They (including myself sometimes) feel like the other person has been gone all day and should "pitch in" when they come home.  The person out working all day feels like they have put in a full day's work and still have other things they have to do at home.  They come home to a person who is seeking love and affection, when they only want a few minutes of peace and relaxation before starting to change from the work person to the home person.  Don't get me wrong....I am not saying the husband in this case is right in any of his behavior, but perhaps he is shutting down because he feels like he is overwhelmed with his own work and pain.  Perhaps he is simply jealous of his wife's deep love for her new child and at a loss of what to do.  There are always two sides to every argument and I almost always fail to see my husband's until after the time has passed.
     
    I hope things work out for the best fed-up!  Good luck!
    Retired Mom

    LLPLUV
    Veteran Member


    Date Joined Mar 2009
    Total Posts : 1158
       Posted 8/1/2010 10:51 AM (GMT -7)   
    Retiredmom and Caligirl you both have some wonderful insights.
     
    I know that when most of us are in pain we seem to have two types of reactions.  One is the feeling of hopelessness the other an overwhelming feeling of guilt for what we put our families through.  But that is where I noticed most pain doctors prescribe antidepressents to help with these.
     
    Just like retiredmom I'm not saying what he is doing is justified.  Acually quite the opposite.  He should be doing anything in his power to try and make things right for himself and his family.  Why would anyone want to feel so blue, moody and hard to live with?  There has to be something going on with him that he is in denial over or just plain ole won't admitt it.
     
    You pointed that he wasn't the same person.  To me that triggers a concern that he's yelling out for help and has no idea how to handle it.
     
    I wish you tons and tons of luck in this situation
     
    Laurie
    Kidney Diseases and Disorders
    Moderator



    40 yr young female with,
    Chronic Kidney Stones, PKD (Polycystic Kidney Disease), Chronic Kidney Failure, Severe Hypertension, Urological RSD

    Also CHF (Congestive Heart Failure) and Sleep Apnea

    Hopefully NO MORE........

    FedUpWife10
    New Member


    Date Joined Jul 2010
    Total Posts : 6
       Posted 8/1/2010 3:57 PM (GMT -7)   
    Thanks everyone, I have a lot of thinking to do. Retired mom- I am very understanding of him working all day and me being home with our daughter. However, my job is 24/7 and his is 40 hours a week. On the weekends, we should be sharing responsibilities for sure! And some evenings as well. I understand that he is tired but there is no reason to be grouchy, selfish and unloving. Sorry, not trying to "lash" out at you or anything. I just want you to know that I do understand he is tired. But, coming home to sleep the entire afternoon and evening, and then the entire weekend is unacceptable.

    I sent him a long email last night. I know it seems naive but I couldn't get him to sit down and talk to me and I needed to get it all out. I know he's read it by now. He checks his email first thing in the morning. He was a little more helpful today but never mentioned anything. Now, of course, he's back to sleep. I am going to give him a chance to think about it and come around. I asked him to go to therapy on his own, as well as with me, and to consider taking something like Cymbalta.

    Sometimes I wonder if he thinks I dismiss his pain too much? I just get tired of hearing about it so often. There's really only so much I can do and I hate having to be the one who's always being supportive when I'm never getting supported.

    ivy6
    Elite Member


    Date Joined Sep 2005
    Total Posts : 10404
       Posted 8/1/2010 4:16 PM (GMT -7)   
    Wot, he can get up to check his email but can't muster the energy to engage with you or your daughter, or help you with even a tiny household chore? That's not right.
    Co-Moderator Crohn's Forum.

    Medications for Crohn's ~~ Diet and Nutritional Therapy for Crohn's ~~ Dealing with Abscesses and Fistulae ~~

    MMMNAVY
    Veteran Member


    Date Joined Jul 2006
    Total Posts : 6927
       Posted 8/1/2010 4:36 PM (GMT -7)   
    Fed,
    I am wondering if he is not having a major health issue. I have to admit I was one of those people who needed someone to advocate for me, because I litterly did not have the energy to do it. I did not realize that it takes even energy to cry and do doctors orders. It took years to get correctly dxed.

    I think your feelings ABSOLUTELY are valid!

    But, I am wondering if his are as well. One thing major lesson I have had repeatedly learned is that do not be dismissive. I think the question you also have to ask yourself is if he died from whatever is causing this excessive sleepiness how would you feel? I am not asking this to upset you, but given that you are ready to divorce him over this, I think you need to have a clear conscious that you did everything you could to help him.

    This may mean taking him to Mayo Clinic or whatever, but I want you to be able to look at yourself and feel that you dealt with this situation with dignity and grace, not with anger.

    Take Care,
    Navy
    Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease/Thyroid Disorders:_All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.

    I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586

    All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.

    The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life?  Has your life brought joy to others?

    Make sure your suffering has meaning…


    Retired Mom
    Veteran Member


    Date Joined Feb 2010
    Total Posts : 1753
       Posted 8/1/2010 6:31 PM (GMT -7)   
    Hi Fed-up,
     
    I did not mean to offend or to make you feel like you don't have valid feelings!  I honestly understand exactly where you are at.  My husband and I had a very difficult discussion this afternoon as well.  He's not receptive to conversation either.  This was obviously very serious or he would have avoided the conversation entirely and ignored me.  It's much better now.  We've been married a long time. 
     
    I don't dismiss your feelings at all.  I support you!  I just wanted to give perspective to the other person (as we are only hearing one side of the situation).  That is not to imply that you aren't giving the full picture, but to say that his perspective may be different.
     
    Have you tried taking the time to sit with him and the baby while he relaxes a little on the weekends?  Perhaps he needs to be adjusted in to the situation a little more slowly.  I can't imagine that he wouldn't step up to the plate if you were seriously ill and your daughter needed you.  If that is the case.....we'll....it speaks for itself.  Almost everything else has ups and downs and can be dealt with at the right time with the right attitude. 
     
    I am not in my first marriage...or even the second.  They both became more negative than positive in any way and had to be dissolved.  I do not take that lightly.  I also do not want to repeat the lessons I learned again. 
     
    I wish only the best for you and your family....only you can decide what that is. 
     
    All my best!
    Retired Mom

    FedUpWife10
    New Member


    Date Joined Jul 2010
    Total Posts : 6
       Posted 8/1/2010 8:27 PM (GMT -7)   
    I may be a little bitter because he was so unsupportive during my pregnancy. Here I was, bipolar, not on even close to my normal medication regimen, having severe mood swings and anxiety, and he hardly paid any attention to me, asked how I was doing, etc. When I was 18 weeks pregnant, he decided to tell me he was thinking about leaving me for no reason at all out of the blue. The next day he woke up and acted like everything was fine and didn't want to talk about it. He still doesn't want to talk about it, I forced him to go to therapy with me one time. Other than that, he ignores it like it's no big deal. It's a huge deal to me, it's just not a way to treat your pregnant wife. I had really severe anxiety thinking I was going to be a single mentally ill mom the rest of the pregnancy and he was no help at all. He just complained all the time about his little aches and pains (oh another headache, great).

    The night that I gave birth, to a 9 pound girl after an epidural had worn off- yes it was the absolute WORST pain of my entire life. I nearly blacked out. I'm sure all you mom's can understand. I had her at 5:30 pm. By 9:00 pm I was in the postpartum unit watching him whimper in pain about his back and the poor uncomfy pull out couch he would have to sleep on that night. HELLO? I just pushed out a watermelon in places you would never dream of after carrying it in my belly 9 whole months.

    Fastforward 4 weeks, he had to get a steroid shot in his stomach and you would have thought the world was coming to an end. He came home from the doctor and couldn't do anything he was in so much pain from it. He had the nerve to compare the needle to the epidural I had. Common. I have since had two steroid shots and while I wouldn't go have them for fun, I have to say they are no big deal.

    I have had severe hives since the birth of our little girl and the doctors have yet to figure out why, hence the two steroid shots. I have been on prednizone, benedryl, claritin, singular, zyrtec, all daily and use cortisone cream. And I still feel like my skin is burning and have whelps. He never asks about that. I have mood swings and anxiety. He never asks about that. I ask him multiple times a day how he's feeling and if there is anything I can do for him. When he is holding her I ask if there is anything that I can get him. I fill bottles and bring them to him, etc.

    Of course I would be very distraught if he died over this, but it's just not fair to me to try so hard and him not put any effort at all into getting better. He is an adult and has to put SOME effort. I don't feel great but am working hard all day every day for all of us. There is only so much I can do. I went to the doctor with him 3 weeks ago. I brought the baby along since there was nothing else to do with her. We had to wait for 2 hours so I had to feed her and walk/bounce her to stop her from screaming around sick patients. He just doesn't even talk to doctors. He can complain to me and yet when we get to the doctor it's like there's no problem?

    I kept saying "he's always in pain! He needs help for ___". My husband just won't speak up. When we left the doctor said he needed an ultrasound of his gallblader, that he was going to put him on the list for a sleep study for sleep apnea, and prescribed a pain killer and acid reflux medication, as well as topamax for migraines and a muscle relaxant for his neck.

    He went for the follow up 2 weeks later alone. Came home and had cancelled the gallbladder ultrasound and sleep study. He's still taking the medication but whenever one pain clears up another is sure to follow. I'm doing what I can but I already have my hands full. I would be happy to research some conditions online and give him the information if you all have any ideas what may be wrong. Here are his symptoms:

    constant pain- neck/back/stomach/head/legs/feet
    migraines
    always sick, sore throats
    no desire for life
    low sex drive
    always very tired
    doesn't shower much terrible hygiene
    irritable

    I realize I make him sound absolutely terrible but we have had great times, particularly before I got pregnant. I really think that it is depression, but maybe I recognize it because that is what it would be in me?

    I cannot thank you all enough for your help.

    White Beard
    Forum Moderator


    Date Joined Feb 2009
    Total Posts : 3611
       Posted 8/1/2010 8:42 PM (GMT -7)   
    FedUpWife

    Everything you describe seems to indicate that allot of his problems is his untreated sleep apnea, that would explain why he wants to sleep all the time, and since he already has been diagnosed, he needs to have another sleep study done to see what is going on and see how bad he really has it! And what type of sleep apnea he has, is his all obstructive apneas or is he having mostly central apneas, or a combination of both! It makes a difference in the type of treatment he gets, Obstructive is treated with CPAP or BiPAP where as centrals and complex is treated with an ASV machine! As for getting him to get a sleep study, and or using his PAP machine, well people can have all the excuses in the world for not using it, and I will be the first to admit that it is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to master and over come in my entire life. It is not easy going to bed at night and trying to go to sleep with a mask on, attached to a machine that is blowing a seemingly thousand mile an hour wind up your nose and mouth all night long! Even today I hate having to donn the mask to go to sleep at night! But I do! and I do it every night and I wear it all night long! My life depends on it! I know ful well what it is like to be walking around and functioning in a sleep apnea brain fog! When all you want to do is sleep, and you are cranky and you are literally not yourself anymore! Your are in a severe state of sleep deprivation! You are in a brain foggy that does not let up! Your sick! That is where your husband is! But some how, some way, he has to get help and start using his CPAP machine! You can't do that for him! But you care and want to help him, but you have needs too and a baby, and you can't do it all. I would ask you to try and read up on sleep apnea, seek out help, at the forum link I gave you in my earlier post there is a section for spouses that have problems just like yours. Yours not the only one who has had this problem. I am an old timer at that forum, and I often post there. I am a firm believer in the treatment of sleep apnea, and I will bend over backwards to help anybody to be successful with using it, but I also can be tough, and if it takes tough love and a reality check to get the person to use it, I do that too! It is just that important! But with that said, you have to take care of yourself FedUPWife, and in the end your husband is responsible for his own health and medical treatment. Maybe it is good that you are taking a firm approach, and setting up boundaries, I would also encourage you to visit that apnea support site. With everything you have said, and each of your post you have gave out just a little bit more insite to what is happening with your husband, I would just about bet if he would get his sleep apnea treated and under control, that you would see a noticable difference. It does not happen over night, and it may take a few weeks, up to 6 or more, but it will make a difference, but only if he is using it properly, and using everynight all night long. Have him go to that apnea support site, I am White Beard there too, I will try an help him if he needs help with using it.
    I wish you well FedUpWife, and take good care of that "Lil one"



    White Beard

    FedUpWife10
    New Member


    Date Joined Jul 2010
    Total Posts : 6
       Posted 8/1/2010 8:54 PM (GMT -7)   
    Thank you white beard, I'm going to head over there now. I quickly glanced at the symptoms of sleep apnea and it sounds like that could definitely be the main problem. I am going to try to get him to have the sleep study done. I appreciate it!

    MMMNAVY
    Veteran Member


    Date Joined Jul 2006
    Total Posts : 6927
       Posted 8/1/2010 9:48 PM (GMT -7)   
    No one is saying that his actions are ok. But I think we understand the perception of how it may look.
    Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease/Thyroid Disorders:_All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.

    I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586

    All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.

    The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life?  Has your life brought joy to others?

    Make sure your suffering has meaning…


    Chutz
    Veteran Member


    Date Joined Jan 2005
    Total Posts : 9090
       Posted 8/1/2010 10:00 PM (GMT -7)   
    Hi and Welcome!

    It's very nice to meet you but I do wish it was under different circumstances. There has been so much wonderful advice and conversation already there's not much I can add except a bit of my own experience that are similar to yours and one observation. And because it's similar it does get me fired up to see him treating you this way. So if I step out of line just ignore what I have to say or tell me to butt out...lol

    The one comment that concerns me is "Im not sure what the meds are. " referring to the medications your husband takes. Combine that with the fact that he's always coming up with a new pain somewhere and I would be concerned about what he's actually taking and how much. Is it possible he's using his 'pain' to get more pain medications than he needs? Is he possibly addicted to them? That could possibly explain some of his behavior. Just something to consider.

    But my experience years ago has some striking similarities to yours. My EX, or as we refer to him "the sperm donor". (sorry, that wasn't very nice, just honest..lol) was a very controlling person which is exactly what your husband is doing. He would have to get involved in whatever activity I was interested in, would never leave me alone with a friend and would even ask who had been to our house during the day when he perceived extra tire tracks in the driveway! All of this was to control and stupid me thought he was just interested in what I was doing...well, except for the tire tracks. That ticked me off. Never once did I give him any reason to doubt my integrity or loyalty. But I couldn't see what he was doing to me. Slowly and carefully he drove off all of my friends but I was so busy raising 3 children, without any help from him, that I didn't notice. But he often was "so tired", had this pain or that and was always trying to convince me to pawn off the babies so we could have time without them. That's the short version but suffice it to say the HE was the one who was dishonoring our marriage making passes and taking advantage of the mom's of our childrens' friends and also of clients of our business, a business of which he ran into the ground because he basically didn't want to work.

    Like you when any of our 3 children were born he was too tired to help and acted more like a baby than the child did. I was taking care of the children and he was an extra child just making life worse any way he could. Finally he wasn't clever enough when sneaking off for a weekend with the wife of a client that he got caught and I was so relieved and glad I could throw him out! So why share this? I wasted 21 years of my life letting this happen to me and not standing up and taking action. He treated me like dirt and was jealous of all of those children. Pretty sick for what is supposed to be an adult. Even my children at a young age could see how badly he treated me but it wasn't until they were adults that I found out how they felt. Unfortunately my oldest son was very distressed by it all and add that to depression and it was too much for him to handle. He's been gone now for 10 years and so has my life.

    But there IS some good to the story. I have been married to a wonderfully caring man for 17 years who treats me with respect and love. FedUpWife...we all deserve respect unless we don't show respect. But YOU have done more than your share to support him and try to build a marriage. Your husband needs to 'man up' and start to act like the husband you deserve. (sorry to put it so bluntly but I hate to see you hurt any more) Your thought to send him packing to his mothers home is a good one. Maybe he needs to stay there for a while and think things through. I doubt he will change while he's still in your current environment. He knows he can control you so why should he change. I would hope his mother wouldn't enable him and let him continue his bad habits.

    OK, I've said enough and probably too much but I do care very much that you and your daughter are OK. It's very sad that your father wasn't what he should have been but you can't make up for your husband's shortcomings. Nor can you 'make' him change. You can lead him to help but he is the one who has to change. In the mean time you have a lovely daughter who doesn't need this stress in her life. Even though she's very young she knows a stressful environment and it can affect her.

    Please don't let this go on like I did and waste years of your life. Get help for yourself and your husband has been given all the help he needs. Now it's time for him to move forward or move out....

    Please accept my apologies for anything I said that might have hurt your feelings. It came from my heart and with love...

    Chutz
    If you're going through hell, keep going.

    Winston Churchill

    (\_/)
    (o.o)
    (> <) Co-Moderator Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Forums
    Fibromyalgia, PTSD, UC, Diabetic on insulin, collapsed disk, arthritis scattered around and a few other delights.

    Mrs. Dani
    Veteran Member


    Date Joined Jun 2009
    Total Posts : 2787
       Posted 8/1/2010 10:07 PM (GMT -7)   
     
      Dear Fed up,
     
       I did read up on everything! Im super tired tonight and will write you in the morning. Before I forget, I wanted you to know I got hives after both of my births aswell. It ended up by chance that I came across "calendula cream" at the local health food store.  I think you should give it a try. I too went though a long series of meds, and then an allergy screening all to no avail. Who would have guessed an herbal creme took care of it. Was weird both my girls and I had odd rashes. Me, on my face, tummy and thighs. Both girls at their "sweat spots" and thighs. Weirdest thing... any case, here check it out
     
     
      Brand "weleda" makes entire series of calandula products sold at regular grocers and target, et al
     
    *warm hugg*
        dani
     
     
     
    TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood
    And sorry I could not travel both
    And be one traveler, long I stood
     
    Chronic Pain Moderator
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