The thief called pain.

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Monty's Mom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 664
   Posted 8/13/2010 8:54 PM (GMT -7)   
I am tired of sleepless nights, struggling to get the simplest things done, and telling my sons and fiance that I can't do that today.  There is a thief living among us all, stealing our sleep, our relationships, our self-esteem, and happiness. Some days are better than others, some days are torturous. I can keep the thief at bay temporarily, but eventually it returns.
 
It doesn't want my money, although I've spent everything I have trying to keep it out of arms reach. It doesn't want the stuff I have in my home, or my car, or anything else money can buy. It wants my life. It wants to eat me alive, take everything that makes me unique and special and twist it into something completely unrecognizable as me.
 
During the day it is easier to keep this thief at bay, especially when I've had a decent night's sleep, good pain control and I feel close to human. But at night, when the only company I have is pain, the computer or book, and the sounds of everyone sleeping peacefully, I am reminded that the problem is me.
 
I don't feel anymore that the pain itself is a terrible thing. It is the way it affects every aspect of life that is terrible. When I can no longer see the goodness in myself and feel that my family doesn't need my help because I don't do anything anyway, I get angry. Not at the pain itself, or the doctors who didn't listen, or the nasty people who look at me funny when they hear I am a stay at home mom, but at myself. I allow it to invade every part of my life, I don't know how not to. Psychologists help, but what do I do when my yearly amount of visits have run out and there are four more months left in the year?
 
Fighting a silent thief is not what I want to do for the rest of my life. Is there such a thing as harmony with the thief called pain?

Pelvic adhesive disease, Irritable bowel syndrome, SI joint pain, 7 pelvic surgeries for pain, ovarian cysts, and adhesions.

White Beard
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3610
   Posted 8/13/2010 9:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Monty's Mom
 
I see one big glaring mistake that your making!  You said ("I am reminded that the problem is me. ") and also ("I don't feel anymore that the pain itself is a terrible thing. It is the way it affects every aspect of life that is terrible. When I can no longer see the goodness in myself and feel that my family doesn't need my help because I don't do anything anyway, I get angry. Not at the pain itself, or the doctors who didn't listen, or the nasty people who look at me funny when they hear I am a stay at home mom, but at myself.  ") YOU  mom are not the problem! the Pain is! The CP is a terrible thing it is the thief in the night that is robbing you of your sleep, it is the thief that is taking away your ability of seeing the goodness in yourself, it is the problem and you have every right to be angry, but don't be angry with yourself!  If you are going to be angry then be angry with the thief that is robbing you of everything that you hold dear to your heart!  It is not your fault that you have CP, I would just about bet that you did not special order it for yourself did you? Of course not! No one wants to have CP and no one likes what it does to themselves!  But you are not alone, look back on some threads done by fatherjohn and myself back in March or April (of last year 2009)I believe, there are threads about, CP and what it does to us, and the affects it has on us.    Monty's Mom  Please Please Please,  be a little more easy and gentle on yourself,  your not alone in this, we are all here with you! You have our support!
 
May Peace be always with You!
 
White Beard
 
Moderator Chronic Pain
After spending nearly 22 1/2 years in the USAF, I retired in Sept, 1991. I then went back to school and became a licensed RN in 1994, and I worked on Oncology and then a Med Surg Unit, I became disabled in late 1999 and was approved SSD in early 2002!-- DDD, With herniated Disk at T-12 and L4-5. C5-C6 ACDF in Sep 2009, C6-C7 ACDF in Mar 1985, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!) Medications:Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV I am White Beard with a White Beard!

Post Edited (White Beard) : 8/14/2010 7:50:39 AM (GMT-6)


straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 13451
   Posted 8/14/2010 1:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Monty's Mom, WhiteBeard is so right, you have done nothing wrong, you did not ask to be plagued with CP, no one in their right mind would. But, I must tell you, you are so right it is a silent thief and I never thought of it that way. Here it is 3:35am, I have been up all day, I have not slept in a bed going on two years for more than 5-6 days straight. The most I can sleep is 2-3 hours at a time. I do fall asleep or nod off sitting at this computer for short periods of time, usually when I feel the imprint of the keyboard on my forehead.

I don't really have answers for you except to tell you to stop beating yourself up over this, it is not your fault. I bet if you think about it Mom you have some very outstanding qualities, you are still that good person that your family knows, but these things are overshadowed right now. In your heart you are the same person, your body is what changed on you.

You might call your psychologists office and talk to the person in the ins. dept or even the office mgr. Let them know you are struggling and you have no more vists paid for by insurance and ask if they will give you a discount if you pay in cash for a visit. Even if its only a couple of visits a month it may help you out. A lot of drs offices offer discounts to cash paying patients, worth a phone call to them. Take care and lighten up on yourself....Susie

PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 8/14/2010 10:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Monty'sMom,
I don't know what state you live in and what the insurance regulations are, but I would definitely ask your insurance company and your psychologist if there's any way to get additional visits. In Pennsylvania we have something that was an attempt to get what's called mental health parity (mental health coverage being considered as equally important as physical health), and there are certain diagnoses that allow visits to be extended if it's part of your insurance plan. As a matter of fact for larger employers, they have to carry it and here it's called Act 150 coverage. Most therapists would tend to tell you about it if there's something in your state (if you're in Pennsylvania let me know). Otherwise, a lot of therapists should offer a discount - or at least be wiling to accept the same amount they received from the insurance company. You should be able to see this on your explanation of benefits statement (the thing most people throw away because it's not a bill!). It will list the amount billed, any amount discounted by the insurance company that they don't pay (which in essence is the discount the therapist gives them by contract) and the amount they pay the therapist. You may also have a co-pay which gets added to that to make the total amount of $$ the therapist receives. That's usually far less than what the therapist charges. Since he/she was accepting that amount from the insurance company, they should be open to an arrangement of you paying that amount to have a few extra visits if there's no way to get your insurance company to pay for them.

Your therapist should know the rules in your state if you're in the U.S. and if there's any way to get your insurance company to extend the # of visits.

Hope this helps a bit.

PaLady
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