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Monty's Mom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 664
   Posted 9/10/2010 3:11 PM (GMT -7)   
My best friend and matron of honor for my wedding just told me she no longer wants to stand with me and would rather take the pictures. She is in school for photography and I understand why, but I still feel crushed. Im not getting married til October 2011, but I wanted my best friend up there with me. Part of the reason why is my fiance's psycho sister causing trouble. She says she will still do it if I want her to, but she prefers not to. If I tell her I still want her, then I am just forcing her.
 
This sucks and makes me feel like I am not good enough again. All I will have to stand with me are my nieces. I have a few other close friends, but none like her. It seems so petty of me to be this upset, but I cant help it. If she didnt want to do it, why has she helped me make all the plans and even picked out her dress?
 
I just dont understand I guess. It hurts and feels like rejection and being told that I am not a good enough friend to her anymore!
 
Someone remind me to stop acting like a baby please?

MIKEL99
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 914
   Posted 9/10/2010 6:06 PM (GMT -7)   
   Hey Mom , thats tough for sure , its good you still have a lot of time . Its obvious to me the friend loves you a lot or she wouldn't have done all the things she did with you . You can't be responsible for people changing their mind about things and unfortunately sometimes that hurts . But don't think its because of you , you sound like a very good person , thats why she still wants to be involved , give her and yourself a chance Mom , things can change and maybe something good can come from this . Please stay strong and hang in there . Mikel 
HIV+. meds - epzicom, Kaletra . oxycontin as needed , indothemiacin . hip replacement surgery done !!! Dealing with healing now !!!

Mrs. Dani
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 2787
   Posted 9/10/2010 6:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Mindy,
 
    Gosh I am so sorry *warm hugg* You know, I just don't know why, but weddings turn normally good people in to... just at a loss of words. Here is some of the craziness I experienced....
 
     ...So about a week before I was due to leave New Mexico for Florida, the "Pastor" called and let me know he wasn't going to preform the marriage. He was a friend of my mother in laws. Because my husband doesn't believe "the rapture" in the same "context" that he did.. obviously our marriage was doomed to failure and we would not last as a couple because God wouldn't recognize us as married. Not that it mattered, we found someone else. As we had already completed our pre martial counseling with our Pastor here in New Mexico. Was a month long pre marital course. Had already received our license from the State of Florida. You want to know the funny part? He still showed up at our wedding as a guest. No kidding. rolleyes   By the way his view on what the Lord wants and what he wants of the people around him, are nearly identical... *shiver* those kinds of people scare me so badly. Honestly, David and I were relieved to "free" of our "family obligation" to use him. *shiver* His revisions to the vows were.. just insane. So glad we got someone else.
 
     Then my mother in laws, cousin in law (confused yet?), decided that if her X husband was going to be there, then she didn't want to be there either. And because she didn't want to come we had to find a new notary for the day of the ceremony. I know, I know....   smhair  
 
     When I finally get down to Florida (I had to drive a huge SUV with wedding stuffs I couldn't take care of online), I find out my father in law doesn't want to come if his girlfriend couldn't come. My mother in law wanted nothing to do with his girl friend since that relationship began while they were still married....
 
     When the rest of the family finds out that father in law and his (so to be wife) were coming, the southern ladies went into to gossip over drive and honestly tried to manipulate me in to not allowing her to come. Before I can even respond! Apparently my mother in law told the others that I would do what she wanted and that was that? Then the rest of the family responded and reacted thinking that she had already talked to me?  Sheesh.
 
      Oh and by the way the flowers were delivered (after I told everyone that my father in law and his girlfriend were coming so please stop the manipulations) and my mother in law put them all out on her patio because the smell bothered her nose. Flower crowns, bouquet, corsages, centerpieces. All of it. Didn't tell me until after they had been out side and nearly destroyed 4 days later. We had to use synthetic (silk) flowers. Only the crowns and main bouquet and braidsmaids bouquets survived.
 
     I had to rent out an entire bed and breakfast, all the rooms. For accommodations for the out of town guests. Fully paid for weekend of relaxation. The guests decided to act out appaling and disgusting behaviours for their fully paid weekend get away.....
 
     The night before the wedding the bridesmaid (Who had been quite a snit and rude for 3 whole months prior) shows up at the bachelor party (WHAT the HECK?), with her boy friend, and promptly starts to drink like a fish and rub herself all over the best man, flirting with my soon to be husband, while her boyfriend is sitting dumb founded and the rest of the guests shocked.  Her boyfriend is stuck miles away from Arizona with her for an entire weekend. The rest of the bachelor party was unable to get rid of her the entire night. Needless to say they left the day after the wedding. Apparently, the new boyfriend didn't take too kindly to the strip tease portion of her "surprise appearance". He arranged to leave on an earlier flight.
 
     The day of the wedding one of the guest was caught using methamphetamines and going through withdrawals 20 mins before the wedding was to begin. Literally freaking out. With blue and black smeared all over her face. Apparently her weekend getaway (and the reason why she was MIA) consisted of as many drugs she could get into her system and playing cat and mouse with the rest of the wedding party.
 
     ...All I wanted was a nice, quiet country wedding. Only a dozen folks were supposed to be there. Instead my wedding was filled people I didn't know and never saw again. about 3,500 cash from a "money tree" and more gifts then I could fit in the SUV. All those folks who caused so much drama? Still at the wedding. They came anyway, and to my surprise reigned in the drama for a long and beautiful day. In the end? They all felt really bad and very embarrassed for their behavior after the fact. Including the so called "family pasture" who's interpretation of the testament is askew and he himself a rather long history of VERY questionable actions / life style. Go figure.
 
    I just don't understand why weddings are filled with so much anxiety. Everyone wants to be the most important person in the Brides life. All of them want acknowledgement. All want special treatment.  My suggestion is to take your closest friend to dinner and cocktails. Give her a special gift to wear to the wedding. Something that she will love so she knows how very important she is to you. Let her know she is VERY important to you. You need her with you now more than ever.  
 
    Most of all, try to be patient. As the big day draws near, more and more problems will arise. My suggestion is to wait a full 24hrs before responding to any drama. Many times, in hind sight, the ones causing the problems know they were wrong and hopefully will change their views over time.
 
*warm huggs*
       
dani

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood

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Jim1969
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 9/10/2010 7:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Here are my thoughts.

This is YOUR wedding and you should not be feeling guilty about wanting what you want. I think you should talk to your friend and tell her exactly how you feel and how important she is to you and how important it is to you that she stand with you during the ceremony.

If your wedding is like any I have ever been to there will be plenty of time for your friend to wear out a camera or two, before and after the ceremony. Also what you could do is let her coordinate with whoever will be taking photos during the ceremony. Kind of make her your "2nd in command" when it comes to this.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.

MsBunky
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 1097
   Posted 9/10/2010 9:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Monty's Mom...it crossed my mind when I was reading your post that perhaps your friend wants to take the photos, because she wants you to have the best pictures taken of your special day. Perhaps it's like a gift she wants to give you...but maybe the way she said it, it just didn't come out right.

If she's been your best friend for years, then I think her decision to step aside and do the photos is her way of wanting to honour your marriage and give you wonderful lasting memories to enjoy. If this is the case, and she isn't stepping aside because she's not as close a friend anymore, or for any other negative reason, then please, please try to put this behind you and be thankful for the gift she's giving you as a photographer. A wedding is too wonderful an event to let small things like this become an issue.

Don't forget...a lot can change between now and next year. There's no sense stressing about anything you can't control, especially not for a whole year!

hugs,
Pam
DX: Fibro, Severe Myofascial Pain, Chronic Pelvic Pain, Surgical Adhesions, IBS, IC-PBS, Carpal Tunnel (both wrists), FAI, Reynauds, Opthalmic Migraines, Drug Related Hot Flashes, Physically Unable to Vomit due to Nissen Surgery, Extremely tiny and scarred veins (hard start for IV's)

Meds: Oxycontin, Tramacet, Cymbalta, Cesamet, Flexeril, Clonidine plus Vitamin D + Multi daily

Monty's Mom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 664
   Posted 9/10/2010 10:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Dani, Wow that is quite a wedding. I am sorry all that happened to you. It must have been stressful to say the least.
Pam, Mikel and Jim,
Thank you for a fresh perspective and the encouragement. I had my good cry, and things look clearer. I plan on clearing up the why later. It truly may be that she wants to do the pictures, Pam. It seems like her. I also think maybe she is stepping down to keep me from more stress from the families, and to help me save money since I had to buy her dress. Her daughter and son are still flower girl and ring bearer. I am not selfish and petty enough to end a good friendship over a wedding, we are more than that.
 
It may be that part of my problem is that I have been married before, and this is my first and last chance to do a traditional wedding and my mother, my fiance's sister, and my twin keep butting in their 2 cents and telling me how to do things. We are paying for our own, so we make the decisions. Dani, as you showed with your story, that isnt always the case. My friend sent me a text explaining that she wants to help, and will throw out anyone who even looks at me funny. I think she will act as referree too maybe.
 
You all helped me see things clearly. Thank you for listening to me. Now I read it and it sounds like a hissy fit! I would rather have a happy friendship, then make her stand up there beside me. She will be as she takes the photos, just not in the party.

Stac/Catz4
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 358
   Posted 9/11/2010 3:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Monty's Mom,
I'm so sorry for your issues with your BF as it hurts to the core especially when you don't completely understand. I have a suggestion if you want it, if not throw it away. Sit down to lunch with your friend and seriously ask her. Bluntly and out of the clear blue! Start it off by talking about her for a while and the nice things going on in her life, then....ASK!! I hate confrontation, most people do, and it is with that you may get the best answer out of her. And, always watch out for red flags, maybe she saw something there that you don't see??? I don't have a clue, but please sit down with her and bust it out!!! She's your friend!!! This may keep it that way from now on.
Thinking about you,
Stac
Stac/Catz4
DX’d-Syringomyelia C-1 to T-1, DDD, Diabetes Type II, Migraines, Chronic Muscle Spasms, IBS, Panic Disorder, ICC, Hypothyroidism, Bipolar Disorder, Fibromyalgia. Emergency surgery for ruptured bowel in '05 w/colostomy and takedown in '06. Frozen Shoulder and Torn Rotator Cuff in Left Shoulder. Surgery for shoulder recently, now in Physical Therapy.

straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 13473
   Posted 9/11/2010 12:13 PM (GMT -7)   
I have to agree with Ms Bunky on this. No where in your post does it sound like she is saying I don't like you and I don't want to be a part of this wedding, quite the opposite in fact. If you have someone that messes up your wedding photos you would be livid, sounds to me like she wants to insure you have the best ones possible.

Stop trying to read into something that is not there. You seem to jump before you look, need to stop this, you are bringing on way too much turmoil to yourself. That is a really bad habit and one you need to break, dealing with CP is enough without adding to it needlessly.

I think your friend should be commended for wanting to take on such an important part of your wedding the photos.

Susie

Monty's Mom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 664
   Posted 9/13/2010 6:34 AM (GMT -7)   
I was going to give talking to her a good week to think about it, but she came to me last night and apologized. She said that she thought she may have hurt me with the way she expressed her thoughts. She is willing to be in the wedding, but will not be able to listen to my family and my fiance's sister without going off. She would rather take the photos so that I have great memories to keep, and she can remove people who may be hovering or overbearing for me. Most of the family is already starting with the BS about my dress, colors, etc. She dislikes the way they treat me, like a little kid who cant make decisions or needs to be babied so I dont hurt myself.

She is a very blunt, say it like it is person, and I admire her for that. We both had bad days on Friday, and I took it wrong, I admitted it to her and myself. She still wants to do all the fun things we would do together, shopping, favors, bachelorette party, but without standing up with me. She will be standing with me anyway, snapping shots as we take our vows. We both apologized and things are better.
The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them. That's the essence of inhumanity. George Bernard Shaw


Pelvic adhesive disease, Irritable bowel syndrome, SI joint pain, 7 pelvic surgeries for pain, ovarian cysts, adhesions, and a kidney stone! Wait, future medial transcriptionist I must say ureteral calculus!
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